ok my vent

I do not know where you are from meaning usa or elsewhere but I can tell you I have worked in a nursing home for 15 years and although sometimes it is not the greatest place to be I can say it is not the horror you present. Placing your parent is not throwing them away , many times it is for there own protection. What about the children who have to work and there parents are home alone all day , forgetting to take there medicne, falling and getting hurt and no one around, or the ones who wonder off and cant be found for days? They forget to eat, can not bath or care for themselves properly. Are we to just ignore these things while we work? I have seen the heartbreak of children placing there parent in a home but most times it is so they can be watched and cared for 24 hours a day. Coming to sit with them at the nursing home is the same as going to there home and spending time with them, some take them out for the day, some take them out for dinner or shopping, and for some it is an inner peace that they can sleep at night knowing there parent is not alone. I can only imagine why you may have been banned from working in a home, I can say I have reported things to the state and it is done anom. Sometimes being in a home is good for the parent as many of there friends are there and they can spend time with them, where at home they could not get out and visit, also they do many things together the parent had no one to do these things with at home, play cards , do crafts, and going on outings. I could go on and on , but its your peeve not mine, i just dont agree with you . great topic tho.

I saw on the news a story about them. One woman-they showed her injury photos-"fell out of bed" but only her eyes were blackened and her throat was bruised. Her daughter was aghast but her mom is still in a nursing home! I swore my mom would never be in one of those, neither will my dad and stepmom. I couldn't live with myself. I know it's expensive to hire someone to help out but dammit, they put up with me for 18 years growing up and I can at least help them out when they can't care for themselves anymore. No way will I let them be abused. I know not all nursing homes are like that but 90% of nursing homes have violations that put their residents in danger. I'm not taking the chance of getting one of those. When my mom was injured last year and in an old folks' rehab, I had an awful time. The nurses were controlling and one refused to give Mom her pain meds on time, citing that "she might get addicted". Well, DUH! She's 83, let her have anything she wants!! I had to go to the director of the place finally. That will NEVER happen again to my mom. And this was supposed to be one of the tops in the state.

My Great Grandma had cancer and my Grandma actually had to divorce her husband whom she loved very much in order to move home and care for her. My Grandma had a stroke several years ago and has since had 4 more...she's bed ridden and wheelchair bound yet she lives with my Mom and my Mom takes care of her. One day it will be my turn to care for my Mom...although I don't know who'll take care of me b/c I don't have any kids. I see elderly ppl all the time shoved off in nursing homes and forgotten. It's one thing if your physically not able to care fo them but it's a whole other thing if it's just an inconvenience. [b]**AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]

Not all nursing homes are bad. Some are, and it's important to do a lot of research before choosing one. It's also important to keep researching, to make sure that everything really is good. I personally haven't been in the position where I needed to consider a nursing home yet, but my ex's grandmother is in one. Here's the thing, it's not that they just don't want to deal with her anymore. This is a woman who's had multiple strokes and has alzheimer's. All of her children, their spouses and any adult grandchildren work full time. No one can afford to stay home with her all day, and she is a woman who must have supervision. But she's visited almost daily by at least 1 of her children or grandchildren. She's not left and forgotten, she's there because no one can afford to hire a full time nurse/caregiver (it would cost more than the nursing home does). It's true that you don't always know what's going on, but if a person visits the nursing home frequently, they can spot subtle signs (and some obvious ones) that residents are being abused.

I live in the UK. I had to put my mother in a nusing home. I worked in several when I was working for a nursing agency and found most of them very good. I lived with my husband and son in a two bedroomed apartment up two flights of stairs with no lift. Can you suggest to me how I could have had my mother, who was in a wheel chair, live with me. She went into nursing home just up the road from me and I went in and got her up in the morning, went in again at lunch time and made sure that she got her food properly. Then I went in at tea time and then again I got her into bed at night. I spent more time with her than any of the nurses did. I think you should not critise people unless you have walked a mile in their shoes. That is my pet peeve.

i totally understand what you are saying. i think it is terrible that some people don't want to be bothered with their elderly parents, or even close family like grandparents. my grandfather is in the early stages of dementia, and he was in a recovery home for a while (for some unrelated surgery). my grandmother has a bad back and cannot drive. my husband and i talked about it, and even though we have two small children and we both work, we agreed that it was our responsibility to offer for her to come and stay with us while he was recovering. not just my responsibility- i don't want to sound like that is the only reason we offered. we are family, and i love them and would do anything to help them. the same goes without saying for my parents, even more so! now i do have to say that i know there are some people that need to have their parents in a home, due to medical conditions or needing to be watched constantly. i know someone who had to put her mother in a home because she had alzheimer's very badly, and my friend and her husband both worked. her mom would get out and wander, turn on the stove, forget to turn it off, get into things that were dangerous (like the knife drawer, etc). she was a danger to herself and they needed to have her watched every second. it would be like leaving a 2-year old at home alone almost. it really broke her heart to have to do it, but sometimes it is necessary. i don't really think of nursing homes as bad places- they are supposed to be there to help out in situations like that. another option would be a home nurse, but those get expensive. we looked into that for my grandfather. but i do agree with you on the point that those who do it for the wrong reasons are terrible! especially those who stick their parents there and just leave them. and the nurses and caretakers who take advantage of the elderly in their care are just as bad, if not worse! but i guess that is a seperate rant! :)

mommamusic, Like what you have mentioned those are the actual indirect reasons for putting aged parents into homes. However, I think the actual directs are they needed extra attention due to an illness and/or pre-existing physical handicapped conditions. I am sure if they are healthy and physically capable, then I am sure there will not be a need to send them there. Besides, even if they may be up and robust, I can imagine them in day care situations too. Why? They needed the company. I have know of certain friends whom their parents does not have any surviving friends around anymore for them to relate to. So, I am sure that these are the reasons why these homes exist in the first place. A badly managed place does not mean in general that the rest are bad. I suppose with your level of education and understanding of the system, you could at least be more resourceful to rid the evil from these withins. I will never stand still or bat an eyelid on such issues and I would not wait for these wrong doers to meet their mete. I am sure you weren't there for the paycheck and I am sure that you had a nobler purpose. However, since there is a bad apple within, then isn't it your responsibility and conscience to see to it that justice is mete and the old folks be cared for properly. I can understand your frustrations here, but I felt that your vent should not be at the end users of the system. Let it be set on the wrong doers of these noble institutions. You have the facts now, so lets do some maths here.

Raising a child and caring for an aging parent can be a similar experience, but it is also quite different. Your child is growing physically and developing mentally. He or she can be taught. You are the parent, so you make the rules. Your parent is declining physically and mentally. He may or may not be capable of learning something new. Your child falls down. You pick him up and comfort him. Your parent falls. You call EMS. To your mother or father, you are still their child, and they will resent the role reversal. Your child misbehaves; you discipline him. What can you do when your parent misbehaves, and they will deliberately act counter to your instructions. You have to go to work. There are a number of state licensed day care facilities from which to choose that will be glad to care for your child, but finding day care for Mom or Dad is a different story. Yes, there are abusive caregivers in some of the nursing homes. There are also nursing homes that are just plain bad, unsanitary and drastically understaffed. Even the best are usually understaffed. It is hard work. It takes a special person to be a caregiver in a nursing home. Private duty is better, but who can afford that? It's even harder than hiring a nanny. I agree with most of what you said, but please, don't knock the adult child who agonized long and hard but discovered that they had no alternative to placing a parent in a nursing home.

there is no way i would put my folks in a home unless they had a sever medical condition that i couldn't possibly tend to on my own... living far away from them yes without a moment's notice i'd either move them in with me or move closer to where they are. but sometimes people are forced to put their loved ones in such facilities. My husband till now is torn over the fact that they had to put his 30+ brother in such a place... his brother is blind, mentally unstable, really bad motor functions, and sadly is reliant on diapers... with most of the guys working it was real hard for his step-mom to change his diapers after he came close to 15 years old.. his mom and dad were on real bad terms so his mom tending to him was sort of out of the question... we bring him home ... well in our apartment anyways... over the 1 week off my husband has from work he feels so badly about sending his brother back but he is somewhat a hazard. his brother got mad at me why i wouldn't take him walking outside (i was scared of how to help him down the steps on my own didn't want him to slip and fall) and he tightened his grip on my arm... i opened my door and started frantically calling for my brother in law to come and help me.. my arm was badly bruised... he shoved one of his younger brothers against a wall during the 2 years i have been here. This occurrences are rare but still it is a hazard for both us and his brother. one night he opened the door and almost fell down the stairs! so please don't over generalize some people are forced to put their loved ones in such places =(