I feel betrayed by my best friend....how should I handle this ?
By Rhamah
@Rhamah (42)
United States
October 5, 2008 7:32pm CST
I have been by my best friends side through thick and thin. She just recently had her first child. I was there for her throughout her whole pregnancy because the deadbeat who impregnated her denied the baby she was carrying to be his. The babys' father is a known drug dealer in the area and she even caught him cheating on her MULTIPILE times.Not to metion, he is a very slick con-artist. My friend was sooooo hurt and I was there to console her throughout it all. I took her to every doctor visit and even waited on her hand and foot toward the end of her pregnancy. She was struggling to make ends meet at the time, so I provided her with her own place to live and bought her unborn child everything from a crib,playpen,walker,.........you name....I bought it for her. He was no where to be found when the baby was born, of course. In her attempt to reach him to get information to pursue him for child support, he (the con artist) convinces her not to pursue him for child support because he wants to " work things out " . You can only guess.....yes...she fell for it. To make matters worse, when I called to check up on her and her child, she informed me that her now "Fiance" said she could have no contact with me simply because he does not like me. I am so hurt that she would ruin a 15 year friendship over something or somebody like this. I have tried to just forget about the whole thing, and forget about her as a friend but the more I do, the more angry and upset I become. People, please tell me what I should do ? Should I do anything ? What would you do ? I need closeure.
7 people like this
30 responses
@my_january (967)
• Philippines
6 Oct 08
Rhamah, people like you are rare in this world. I admire you for being so kind to your best friend and extend it to her baby as well. God will surely bless you for what you did. I feel so touched and If I am in the place of your best friend- I will learn a lot from my experience and make sure that I will stand for my baby's future and for you to be proud of me as well. I will never ever trade our friendship for that guy who left me on those times I needed him the most. Its like he is just with me during beautiful times but was nowhere to be found when I have to past through the dark. Your friend obviously doesn't want to help herself. Her man cheated on her multiple times and even left even before the baby was born and now he comes back just like that and wants to get rid of you just like that as well? Unbelievable. You don't have to do anything. You leave them alone and go on with your life as if it never happened. This will never be easy but you have to be positive on this. With who you are, I am sure a lot of people will love you and keep you as a friend.
3 people like this
@jstmarfz (1498)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Hi Rhamah, I am sorry to say this but I felt pity for you and p!ssed with your friend. It maybe because she love the guy so much for her to give up you and your friendship. I can't blame you if ever you get mad because you have the right. Just be happy for her and wish her all the happiness especially with the baby. I am sure she is very thankful for all the things you did to her it just happened she have to choose between you and the father of her child. You are a good friend with a golden heart and I know you can forgive her of what she did, in the right time. Just think that all you have done is for the sake of her baby. :) Cheer up!
3 people like this
@owlwings (43915)
• Cambridge, England
6 Oct 08
Reading between the lines, I'm afraid to say that you may be the one who has been most conned. You may have felt very sorry for her and fallen for her sob story (and a lot of it may be true, of course) but it seems that she has found someone to provide for her and doesn't want to put herself in the position of being able to pay you back what she owes you.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if she comes back at you with another 'convincing' and sad story in a few months time. When she does, be prepared to show her where she can find Social Security help and leave it at that.
3 people like this
@n30wing (4767)
• Philippines
6 Oct 08
I think when you do something good or help someone you do it voluntarily, and you want too. What is important you been a friend a real friend. I know it is hard to accept that for a long time your friend just left you like that. But your friend has a life to make. It's what makes her happy that counts a lot. All of us has a mistake in life I guess no one wants to be alone. I think your bestfriend will always think about what you did for her you just don't know that. You can't tell what will lies in the future, just let her be aslone for now. Nothing is permanent in this world just your self. Everything has a reason! Don't feel bad about it, as long as you did something good. God will give you alot of blessings! Friends do come and go. All of us is looking for our happiness, making our own life to make. Just be it! Have a nice day! God bless!
3 people like this
@sugarplum9084 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 08
You are a very good person that just got yourself mixed up with the wrong people, or in better words you got mixed up with someone who is easily fooled by others. You have to think about how your friend is probably very confused and hurt from the past, and she wants a more stable life from the father of her child, though she probably won't get that at all... She will probably be back, or maybe she will be too embarrassed to come back, though if she does come back give her sympathy and a friend's hand, but don't be as catering before, because she did hurt your trust after you gave her so much love in your friendship, you will have to rebuild the trust over time. It's a really sad thing that this had to happen, but things will change, or perhaps you will move on and find different people to be friends with.
3 people like this
@haxpak (4)
•
6 Oct 08
Dear Rhamah
Well I have a coupe of friends too.
The first rule of friendship and the Only rule is "Unconditional"
U can only give in friendship if the other person is your friend, and not ask for anything even if the friend asks for your life.
B calm, if she understands your feeling she will come back.
Dont worry, maintain the same state of love for your friend and wait.
Afterall
"When you make friends, you dont mean to meet ends!!"
@brownsuga4life (29)
• Saint Lucia
7 Oct 08
I feel your pain my sista. I attended a work-shop and the phase that your friend is going through is calledthe "Honey-Moon" stage. Right now her man is the best thing that ever happend to her.
She may not know it but he is going to hurt her again. She must realize that she now has a child in this world and for the child to be raised in an evvironment where ther is always some domestic dispute is going to be a life long scar.
Try talking to her she should be grateful that you took her in not many friends do tha for each other.
She should be giving you all the respect, love, and thanks that she can. Cause without you who would be there for them.
Talk to her.
She may not be your friend but be hers.
1 person likes this
@SeXxY_EmT (1)
• United States
7 Oct 08
first of all i was once in the same situation, i could not speak to my best friend of many years eathier just hang in there she will come around when she relises that he is a jerk she will need u yet again to see her through.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Oct 08
rhamah hi your friend really did betray you didnt she and she
should be ever so gratedful for all your help. I guess her deadbeat boyfriend can really con her into anything which is
really sad. I bet he will walkout on her just any day. He doesnt
want her being friends with you as he knows you know hes a louse and doesnt mean anything to her really. He will leave her when he gets abit teed off at her. I dont think theres much you can do
right now. I would be there for her again when he acts his true nature and again walks out on her. but I would also tell her if he walked out once to not take him back. if she does this again you will not be there topick up the pieces as she has betrayed you once but will not a second time.betray me once shame on you,betray me twice, shame on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 person likes this
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
6 Oct 08
You can only help people up to a certain point. She has made foolish decisions in the past and is choosing to do so now. The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She has not made the brightest decisions in the past. Some people never learn. She is desperate for this loser's love. You can't fill that void for her and she will soon find out that he can't either. But that does not mean that she will learn from her mistakes. She may continue in this senseless cycle for years.
You need to ask yourself, "Am I willing to be discarded and ignored like this in the future?" "Am I willing to wait till she gets a brain in her head?" If you want to risk it, hang in there. But don't feel guilty being a friend from a distance. Being a friend does not equal being a doormat. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to let them fall on their own. Otherwise, you are supporting her stupid behavior.
And remember, you did NOTHING wrong. You can be proud knowing that you were a wonderful help to her even though she does not admit it right now. We give people our help not to be appreciated, but because it's the right thing to do.
STAND TALL AND BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!
2 people like this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Very well said Rocketj1! I totally agree with what you have said. However ;-), I have probably made the same mistakes with my best friend of 20 years. And in this girls defense, if she just had a baby, she's probably not thinking straight. She's probably holding on to the fantasy in her head that he will straighten up and be the man she needs him to be. And although chances are he won't, she can't see that right now.
I don't think that the poster should just stand by and let her walk all over her, but I wish she'd be more understanding. I don't mean that she hasn't already done enough! She's been an awesome friend for what she's done already! But, the way she talks, I don't think she's ready to just walk away from this relationship. She only wants the best for her friend and I understand that. Her friend will come back, I'd lay money on it. She just needs to be honest and upfront about her feelings with her friend, so when she does come back she realizes how bad she hurt her.
@XiaXueYi (85)
• Singapore
6 Oct 08
Did you try to talk her out of it, when she said her fiance said she cannot talk to you?
I mean, 15 years of friendship over a jerk? She either must be blinded by the repeated emotional blackmail by that idiot or something.
But since you have said it's 15-year's worth of friendship, then I will offer you my comments.
You are the stronger one in this friendship. If you still really care for her/her baby (I know you do, even though you are deeply hurt), just stay out of the limelight for now and see what happens next.
If that jerk does something funny again, make sure she snaps out of her delusions about the jerk next time.
Good luck to both of you.
1 person likes this
@richamani (58)
•
6 Oct 08
Well friend I would just like to help you with one thing from my personal experience.....stop trusting everyone just trust urself ..............for everyone except u urself will betray u in life
@XiaXueYi (85)
• Singapore
6 Oct 08
I disagree. Granted that doing so may protect yourself from further pain, mental, emotional or otherwise; HOWEVER to close your heart to others would really prevent any way of establishing meaningful relationships with other people.
I have bad interpersonal skills, but I still *try* somewhat to have good relationships with other people. Even though of course, I have plenty ol' successes and failures.
And that sentence about trusting only yourself sounds like what my father say. Which reminds me of "well-meaning but disheartening" advice. While it may or may not benefit oneself in the long run, it definitely makes someone "less human".
And that, is my honest opinion.
1 person likes this
@PrarieStyle (2486)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I don't think there is anything you can do. Give her time, it probably won't be long before she catches him cheating again or he gets arrested or something. Then, she will probably call you out of the blue.
You probably won't be able to get close to her again though. As for buying all the nice things for the baby, just keep in mind that you did it for the baby.
3 people like this
@pastorkayte (2255)
• United States
6 Oct 08
What you must do is to first forgive your friend she doesnt know what to do. Love is a powerful thing whether or not you think the person is worth her time, she does. However, dont become a scape goat either, she will return and you must step away from her. If you enable her then it will become a vicious cycle. She will use you, then go back to him and ignore you. The only way she will see him for what he is, is when she actually has to suffer because of him. She knows she wont suffer much because her best friend will bail her out, if you are not available then she will learn that she is alone because he ran off her friends, doesnt way to take care of her, and generally doesnt care. When that happens she will be forced to get him to pay child support, or to be without. Learning the hard way will make her turn to you in friendship, not because she needs you.
1 person likes this
@quinnkl (1667)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I doubt you can really do anything to change the situation right now. Only she can do that. I would make sure she knows that when she needs you that you will be there. Because you know, as we all do, that the bum will not follow through. Hopefully she will see the light quickly and get help for herself and her baby. She needs to make him pay the child support, as you mentioned, etc! I am sure she knows what a friend you have been to her. I only hope she comes to her senses and finds the courage to thank you in the future!
1 person likes this
@capirani (2733)
• United States
6 Oct 08
This is a hard place to be in for you. She is going to need her real friends down the road when she gets dumped again or when things go sour for her again and they will. You can choose to wait or not. That is up to you. But she has issues she needs to deal with. And there are questions about if you have done too much for her in that she didn't seem to have to do anything for herself from what you said. She is going to need to learn to take care of herself in all ways and not lean on the kind of jerk her baby's father seems to be. It takes a lot of patience and love to be a friend to someone who is going through this kind of thing. It hurts to have a friend turn on you like that. I have been there myself. Over the years I have learned though, that they have their problems and it is those problems that seem to control the choices that they make. We cannot fix their problems for them. They have to do that for themselves. But we can let them know that we are pulling for them during the process. You have been a good friend by what you have said. But there comes a time sometimes in life that we just have to let go and turn things over to God to work out. As hard and often painful as that can be, if we hang on long enough, it is well worth it in the end.
1 person likes this
@GranTurismoGuru (504)
• Oxford, England
6 Oct 08
Hello Rhamah,
Sorry to hear of this sad situation for you both. Your friend might still love this person - they say 'love is blind' don't they. If this is the case, you will have to take a back seat for a while.
If you care enough for your friend - stay in there, take the back seat, be patient, she'll come back ... and appreciate you even more for your strength and support.
You obviously have a lot of love for her, whether it be friendship love or romantic love - so, remember that famous old saying when you feel down ... "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was".
Hope you reach a happy conclusion.
Best wishes,
GTG
1 person likes this
@eztuner (450)
• United States
6 Oct 08
Rhamah Its sad the feelings you are having with respect to this friendship. Sure you have been a sport in regards to this girl, but think in the reasons YOU did it. Maybe in that reasons you find closure to this misfortune. You are not with the problem she is the one who has problems. So close the door and open another. Friends come and go. Be happy for the opportunity you had to know yourself the things you are capable of doing and most important THE REASONS you do what you do. Our own happiness cannot relay in the responses we get from the others. If our happiness depends on how the others respond to our actions, WE ARE IN TROUBLE! So enjoy your life, for sure you most have more friends that will show you life is not all about this troubled girl!
@atenean101 (137)
• Philippines
6 Oct 08
Hi Rhamah!
Well first of all, I salute you for being great as a friend. You may not know it but someone like you is quite rare nowadays. With ragards to your problem, just like what others have already told you, there`s really nothing you can do now but to stay as what you are. I know how great a friend you are, and for sure there are still a lot of friends and happiness instore for you. Just stay as a great friend as you are but of course you need to be more wiser enough. If your bestfriend is really a true friend, there will come a time that she`ll return... coz no matter what, still friends are the one who will always be there for friends. I know for sure, your friend will realize everything sooner without you knowing it of course, that is if she`s really a true friend. But there`s no need to worry, just always remember that whatever happens, it`s still not your loss `coz you`ve just been a great friend after all. And there are still a lot of persons around who maybe best for you... I mean, who will surely treasure you the best as a great friend. I can be one of them too. Haha. Just don`t let your anger ruin you and your friendship, for I am sure that it won`t help you at all. Stay calm, be positive, stay as you are, have faith and of course, just pray and ask for God`s help and guidance. Take it from me, been there! Haha. Hope you`re somehow enlighten.
Just me,
atenean101
