Ex-Bashing in front of the children

Ashlee, Thanks for the sympathy and understanding. I guess since you are in the same boat you didn't have any advice to offer? This relationship ended five or six years ago and SHE is the one who ended it. In another response I detailed why I felt she needed to villianize my husband. Mainly, he is such a fine guy that he kept her family in the divorce! She had to make up stuff about him just to get her family back and she still hasn't gotten them all on her side yet! They know she is a liar! We don't want to come right out and tell the boy that his mom is lying, because that makes the mom look bad, but Ron needs to be able to defend himself. It is very stressful. Luckily, he comes to me and feels free to talk to me about anything.

That is so sad . . . it makes me angry! I would ask her nicely, when the child is not in hearing, "How would you like it if I told her to call you by your first name?" I would say, "I am sure you would not like it one bit, so you need to stop confusing her, I am her dad and you can't change that and if you continue I will write to FOC about it." No, I think you should just write to FOC about it in the first place and they will send her a warning letter.

That's definitely good that he is able to come to you and talk to you. I really don't have advise sadly to say. Travis just leaves it alone and ignores it. With the dad thing I responded with Harley he is your dad and you should call him dad. So, she will continue calling him dad and once in a while she will say Travis. Then when her mom is around we talk nice about her mom. Her mom will say go see Travis. As opposed to Travis who will say go see your mom. It's a matter of being an adult about the situation and not to stoop to the ex wife's level I guess. His daughter's mom doesn't want Travis to see Harley and will do everything for harley to be scared of him. I think it's so Travis will get annoyed and stop seeing her, but it's not going to work. He loves his daughter too much to let her mother stand in the way.

I do not think of you as a terrible person. If I was in a situation like that I would probably feel the same way. I am all out of ideas because it seems as though your situation is a major sticky one. I do know that if it was me and I had to hear, see, or hear about how she is talking to him I would have say something. Because you are the one that takes care of him--even if it is every other weekend--and you are the one that has to not only see but hear how it affects him, then I wouldn't care about what type of relationship I had with that woman and just tell her straight that she needed to cut the crap...ya know. I completely understand your situation and how frustrating it is, but relief needs to come from somewhere and if "daddy" isn't going to do it, then I would. I guess the major question is how...but if I was at the point that you are at, then I really wouldn't care how it affects her. Sometimes being brutally honest is the only way.

Thanks for understanding and not thinking me terrible. I did say something to her. The problem is that she used an excuse to justify her actions, and an invalid one at that. "He talks bad about me all the time too." (Totally untrue) I don't think as a non-custodial step parent I would even be allowed to call his school and talk with his teacher. I think I will just have to help him as much as I can and maybe I will write a book to help kids in situations like this one. He listens when I sit down with him so maybe I can counteract the damage. I really appreciate your not thinking I am a terrible person. You got another plus.

This is a new problem. Up until now he has been with his mom and it has been fine. I am not sure the problem is of the proportion of taking him from his mom, and his huge extended family that he has with his mom. He is 10, and his mom is Mexican so there is a huge amount of family and they are close. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone suggested that we get him permanently. I will be honest, though it will probably turn everyone against me. I do not want him to live with us. My daughter is a Senior, and also in college. My husband and I do not agree on parenting ONE LITTLE IOTA and the every other weekend that his son is over is very stressful, when I say very, I mean extremely, and I cannot imagine living under that kind of stress on a daily basis. The son and I get along great when the dad is not around, but when dad is around, the son knows how to manipulate a situation and the dad is childish and the kid gets a huge payoff for misbehavior from dad and I am not willing to live that way. When that kind of stuff happens I get very upset and I hate my husband and I feel like he is not doing his kid any favors. I like him living with his mom just fine, my hubby and I are newlyweds and we get along great that way and besides, if he lived here, I would be the one who had to take care of him all the time, my hubby is never home and when he is, he is inconsistent and he actually tells his son to do things that are against the rules and he rewards him for negative behavior, and we end up fighting and it's just a situation that I am not willing to be in. I am so sorry that this had to come up, because I am sure everyone will think I am terrible, but my husband getting custody of his son is my worst nightmare. I can love the kid and be nice to him and all that, every other weekend, and that is enough parenting for me. I am too out of shape to be a parent of a ten year old boy and we don't even have any place to put him anyway. He is also living with his sister, who would miss him terribly if he moved out. I don't think his situation is bad enough to remove him. I am sure I can counter her attacks by just talking with him when he is here and making sure he understands that anything that happened regarding his parents has nothing to do with him and to just ignore such remarks. I wish I could find a good book to explain it. Maybe I should write one.

You sound like such a wonderful warm caring lady to both your step son and your husband. Your husbands ex sounds very difficult to put it nicely. I think that you are being a little bit too nice to your husband. YOu, being the caring step mom who wants to help has put yourself along with the help of your husband in a terrible position. He is a big boy and in my opinion from the sounds of it is acting like a complete child. BOTH of them need to respect eachother in front of the child. BOTH of them need to get along. He is not making things right by giving her a quick answer for something and hanging up in her face on the phone. He is not making anything easier by pushing you to be the "go in between" This is a matter of HIS child! He needs to get his act together and speak to her in matters of the child, himself. I am sure he has his reasons for being like that to her, but it does not make it right and by doing all of this he is not acting any better than she is. Here is my advice and what I would do. Put your foot down. Tell him to pick up the phone and speak to her, that you are not going to play that game so that he can avoid her. I would tell him you will not be the go in between any longer. I think it is good that you are trying to be friendly with her, but don't expect her to be too friendly back at this point. It is up to them. Just as the poster above said keep being there to listen to him. I am sure he loves you. :)

You sound like such a wonderful warm caring lady to both your step son and your husband. Your husbands ex sounds very difficult to put it nicely. I think that you are being a little bit too nice to your husband. YOu, being the caring step mom who wants to help has put yourself along with the help of your husband in a terrible position. He is a big boy and in my opinion from the sounds of it is acting like a complete child. BOTH of them need to respect eachother in front of the child. BOTH of them need to get along. He is not making things right by giving her a quick answer for something and hanging up in her face on the phone. He is not making anything easier by pushing you to be the "go in between" This is a matter of HIS child! He needs to get his act together and speak to her in matters of the child, himself. I am sure he has his reasons for being like that to her, but it does not make it right and by doing all of this he is not acting any better than she is. Here is my advice and what I would do. Put your foot down. Tell him to pick up the phone and speak to her, that you are not going to play that game so that he can avoid her. I would tell him you will not be the go in between any longer. I think it is good that you are trying to be friendly with her, but don't expect her to be too friendly back at this point. It is up to them. Just as the poster above said keep being there to listen to him. I am sure he loves you. :)

I agree with you, in part. However, I don't think you have read all the responses and realized the entire situation. I know I can't "fix" her, you can't "fix" anyone. The fact is, my husband is unavailable and unwilling to talk to her and we have a mutual respect and things have improved a lot since I have been mediator. She will call me to arrange a change in pick up schedule, I will tell him, he will answer me, I will tell her his answer, otherwise, there is just my husband telling her how it is going to be, and that is that, and it has been awful. When he needed it changed he TOLD her and then hung up but if she wanted it changed he said, "No, the original pick up time and place" and hung up on her. It was always his way and it was not working out, they were fighting in front of him when they met up. Now it is more peaceful, until this, and I opened my mouth, gently, and I think she was a little put out, but we are still communicating. My husband will not do anything about it. He won't confront her about her lies or anything. If it were not for me, the child would be dropped off without a word. It is I who tell her if he had a particularly bad weekend, depressed, puking, sick, reactions to medications, stunk, reported not having had a bath or brushed his teeth since last visit with us two weeks before, Ron won't tell her any of that, he won't communicate, not even for the sake of the child. She needs to know things like that. This last time I let her know that when we washed his hair, shampoo came out forever before we put any on his head. How would she know he is not rinsing his hair if I did not tell her? She appreciates me and she calls me his "other mother". I am just telling you all this because I don't think you fully appreciate the entire situation. Thanks, I gave you a plus.

oh i didn't realize he didn't live with you. i know alienating would be bad, however it seems as if she is being mentaly abusing to the child and any type of abuse is bad. good luck i hope you find some better answers

thank you! I gave you another plus!

Thank you for your very insightful response. We are careful not to say bad things about the child's mother but it is hard to tell him he was lied to without saying anything bad about his mother, the fact that we are telling her that what she told him is untrue is, in effect, calling her a liar. We can't just let him think the terible things she says were true, though. I agree with you completely. (On everything) Thanks.

I tried to pick you for best answer because I felt you gave the best answer, however, it only goes up to #7. How do I get to choose #16?

You are right on in most everything you said except the ex definately does not want him back. She says he beat her and stuff (He has never laid a hand on me like that) and she says a lot of other horrible stuff and she tells me she feels sorry for me because she knows how she is, she was married to him. She also has a boyfriend that she seems to be quite happy with. No, they truly hate each other. You sure hit the nail on the head in describing our situation. Thanks for your response.

I told her she should not say that stuff, that is is harming him. I have told my husband he is not doing his kid any favors when he takes his side against me! He does not belive me that disagreeing with me in front of the child is harmful. He is stubborn and childish that way, but I still love him to pieces. What he knows about parenting would fit in a thimble, but I understand that about him and I know his situation, how he was raised, so I try to be tolerant of his parenting and he is getting better about not disagreeing with me in front of the boy.

I appreciate your response, but I do not feel that two wrongs make a right and if I bash her parents it will not affect how she feels about herself as she is no longer an impressionable child. Most likely she would get angry and we would end up losing our good communication. However, thanks for your opinion, I appreciate it.

Thanks for responding. I don't really understand what you are saying. Can you be more specific please?

Very good advice, not financially possible, but good advice. Also, my husband would never go, he does not believe in psychologists. (very strongly) Thanks anyway.

Absolutely! It is abuse and it is wrong! Thank you for your participation and I have given you a plus.

I'm sorry I did not mention that he lives with his mother and we only see him every other weekend, providing he does not ask to be excused because he has plans. I love my husband, but when he is at our house, I am pretty much the one who spends time with him and plays with him most of the time. I am not trying to bash my husband, this last time he spent time with him and played games with us, but normally, he is holed up in our bedroom and I am the one who spends time with him, or my teenage daughter, who adores him to no living end. My husband works two jobs and is in two bands so he enjoys his relaxation time when he gets it, which is rare, as he works the weekends he does not have his son. He is a hard-working man. We have had a lot of arguments over his son, but other than that we get along wonderfully. I am telling you this because I don't think it is his mom he will eventually pull away from, and that is why. I know he will always come to see my daughter and I, however. I have taken him home a few times with him upset because his daddy did not spend any time with him. At least he is getting better, he spent a lot of time with him this last time.

Wow! Someone has finally answered my question! Next time I hear her call him Ron Jr. I will ask her how he is supposed to learn from his own mistakes if she is claiming they are his dad's mistakes! That makes the point without being too confrontational! I appreciate your input. You get a plus.

A very wise answer. Yes, his ex wife did cheat on him and she is the one who wanted the divorce. He was single and not dating for three years before he met me online and fell in love with me. He is a good, honest, reputable man and he does not bash her in front of his son, or even ask about her or anything. We tell his son that we don't want to hear about what is going on in her life and we don't want him telling her what is going on in our lives either, that he is not to participate in gossip of any kind. Occasionally he still breaks down crying and we find out something she said or did in the process, however. We don't pry him for information unless he is upset about something and we then just ask and he volunteers what is going on. It is a hard line to walk. He does not live with us.

You are wise, and probably right, although we are not enemies, we are cautious of each other - I am cautious of her because I know she will find out what she can and use it against me - she is cautious against me, probably because she fears I will take her son away from her, I don't know. She does not want my husband, she is the one who kicked him out. We were getting along quite well until I told her what I thought of her saying, "Ron Jr." and telling the son that stuff. I was nice about it, but she still took offense, and we ended our conversation amicably enough, but I know that it changed things a bit. We disagree on my husband and I understand she needs to villianize him because when they divorced, he kept her family! She had to make up stuff and make him look bad to get them back. He actually moved in with her parents when she kicked him out. He is still closer to some of her siblings than she is. The fact is, most of her siblings and even her parents, do not like her because they know what a liar she is. For this, I can understand why she makes up the stories about him, but when she tells them to their son, that is going too far! It is a good idea to talk to the teacher if I even knew who it was and how to contact the teacher, maybe I can find out. Thanks.

She does seem to be psychologically impaired. She is a chronic liar and a trouble maker. She cannot keep friends. She uses them until they get sick of it and dump her. She is very manipulative. I am trying to get along for the fact that there is no relationship or communication between her and my husband at all and it was making it difficult to schedule pick ups and drop offs and so forth when there is no proper communication. My husband would just tell her, "I'll be there at such and such time" and hang up on her rather it worked for her or not. He does not like talking to her at all. So, because the kid was pulling stuff and it was working, with nobody communicating, I took over as the middle-man between them for the kids sake and he now understands that if he tells her dad said this or that, she will tell me and I will tell dad and he will be dealt with if he is lying and vice versa. Things are better since I am moderating for them, but still have some wrinkles that need ironed out, mainly her, and I did try to tell her what she is doing is causing harm. Nobody so far has given me any proper wording to explain it to her though. I know the kid's opinion of himself comes from how he feels about his father and if she makes his father seem like a dirty word (calling him Ron Jr. whe she is mad at him) he will dislike his father for it and eventually dislike himself. She got very defensive when I tried to explain it to her and she got rather rude. I don't want to jeopardize our ability to communicate . . . but she needs to know she is harming him psychologically. Should I just tell FOC and let them write her a letter about it?