Anyone know how to find someone they don't even know for sure exsists?

United States
October 15, 2008 9:24pm CST
So, a few years ago, I was told that my mom was pregnant 2-3 years before she had me. She claims she had an abortion, but when I confronted her about people mistaking me constantly for someone else... I asked again. She still stuck with her story that she had an abortion, but the first thing she said to me was "Is she adopted?" Needless to say, I don't believe her. She has sworn me to secretsy and everything just isn't adding up. So anyway, I've always had this feeling (even before I knew I may have a sibling runing around) that I had a missing sibling... that something was missing. Now I have my own family... and if this sibling exsists... I would like to find them. I have no idea what the siblings name would be... or birth place... nothing. All I have is my parents names. Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks.
5 responses
@laydee (12809)
• Philippines
16 Oct 08
That's quite a difficult person to look for. Unless she looks exactly like you, all you have is the gender, nationality, possible birth year and her surname. That's quite difficult not knowing even the birthdate and the adoptive parents or something. Can you try asking your mom's siblings or bestfriends or even your grandmother and grandfather? But, If I were you, I'd just let it go and let your paths just cross if it should. The mere fact that she's sworn into secrecy means that it's something very difficult for her to endure. Maybe it's better kept unsaid.
• United States
16 Oct 08
My mom's family is full of secrets. None of them talk... and half of them wouldn't have even been in the same state when all this would have happened. There is no way that even if they did know... that they would tell me. And my mom has no friends from over the years... she walked away from all those friendships. I thought about asking my dad... but if she up and disapeared or something during that time and he doesn't know... he wouldn't handle it well. Was going to ask my grandma (dad's mom)... but timing hasn't been right. Also... she at one time was left out a lot. Anything my mom doesn't want my dad to know or brought up to my dad is a "secret." I have sat on this for a few years now... and I don't think paths will just cross if this person exsists.
@laydee (12809)
• Philippines
16 Oct 08
Well, maybe all your mother needs is time to heal her wounds. If I were in your shoes though, I'm sure I'd come looking for that sister too, but also I wouldn't insist on something that could cause my family or my mother's family to be at their 'situation' before, so I wouldn't insist. Besides, if she does exist, yes she is my half sister, but it doesn't mean that I couldn't exist in the world without knowing her.
• Philippines
24 Nov 08
Sometimes, some matters should remain secret. Your mother gave you what she think was enough for your knowing. And maybe, there is no secret at all! She told you everything. You just don't accept it that way and keep on questioning.
• United States
4 Dec 09
I did accept the answer... until some things came up that made me question her. Then her responses made me question it all more...
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
16 Oct 08
This is a very sad situation indeed. If you have your mothers name (obviously you do) and the date of birth or at least a good guesstimate, then you may want to consider hiring a professional searcher. They can be very expensive though so if you can't afford it, try finding a search angel (these people will usually help you search for a small fee or even for free). I would try confronting your mom again. Make sure to let her know that you won't judge her, but you do have the right to know your siblings. If you're persistent, she might give in. Please understand that the amount of secrecy and shame that went into unwed pregnancies and adoption from the 50's to the 70's was unbelievable. These women were told they could never tell anyone about what had happened. They needed to move on and forget. You may want to read "The Girls Who Went Away" also. It will help you understand why your mom is hiding things from you, if she indeed is. If you are interested in learning more about adoption, you can check out my profile. I've written several articles on the subject. Hope this helps and Good Luck!
• United States
16 Oct 08
Unfortunately, I have confronted her more than once... and she not only makes it clear she does not want to talk about it... she denies it and says she had an abortion. The year would have been 1982 or 1983 I believe... so she would have been out of that 60's and 70's era.
@phisha84 (286)
• United States
16 Oct 08
I would ask the people that are saying that to tell you who they are talking about and go from there...its a start...good luck
• United States
14 Dec 09
Look into the freedom of information act and see what you can do to acquire adoption records. I would also find out where she has lived during her life that may give you a few more clues as to where to look. Good luck with your journey!