Are you a Grand Parent? What would you do???? I need you input! Long Post!

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I have a "situation" that I am not exactly sure how to handle. My Son's first child just turned a year old. He is no longer with the child's mother. We have had very little contact with the child as the mother is a bit on the crazy side and tends to keep running off to another state to be as far away as she possibly can. Not just to make it difficult for us but for one of her other children's fathers as well, not to mention the first child's family whose lives she turned upside down by claiming she was raped (which we know to be a lie as she admitted it to my daughter and her best friend, but she was afraid of her ..... less than stable ...... mother so she invented the story and ruined the boys life to save her own butt!!) Anyway, we have patiently waited for her to learn to be reasonable, seeing my Grand Daughter when we were allowed, about once every 6 weeks for the past year, and only on her terms, with her there along with whatever man she is seeing at the moment. Very uncomfortable for everyone, except her apparently! Still we asked to have my Grand daughter take part in our recent commitment ceremony and her mother agreed - as long as she was invited too, which we did. The day after we invited her she calls me and says the oldest child is upset because she didn't get a dress and wants to be part of the ceremony too. Ok, a little bold I think, but we are very fond of the older child as well and we feel very sorry for her and don't mind treating her like family too. So I go out and buy her a dress and we make her a flower girl too. No problem. The day of the ceremony everyone shows up and everything goes fine until the she decides that this is the time and place to have a chat with my son and give him a hard time for not having more to do with his daughter (mind you he is only allowed to spend time with his daughter if she is there too and his current girl friend can not be in the vacinity). After a short time the current girl friend decides she's had enough and walks over to where they are standing and the baby's mother throws a complete fit and storms off to car and peels out of the driveway! No big deal, most of our guests knew she has issues and we all continued to have a graeat day. So, this past weekend was the baby's birthday party and we were of course all invited. My son had to work (no surprise as he normally works Sat. mornings and she planned the party for noon time), so the rest of us went without him and left the new girl friend at home so there would be no issues even though she had also been invited). Everything went fairly well other than our family being completely snubbed by most of her family, but I could tell there was something secret going on and heard several comments and whispers. After the cake and Ice Cream and presents most of us left, but my daughter stayed as she is friends with the people who own the house where the party was held and often visits with them anyway. Soon even she caught on that there was something up so she sat tight and sure enough, eventually the mother's brother said "I am going to have to be going so if we are going to do this we need to get it done". The mother then sighed in disgust and asked my daughter if she was staying for the baby's Indian Naming Ceremony!! My daughter's appropriate reply was "I don't know I guess we weren't invited" to which the mother said "oh, didn't we say anything to you? Of course you are invited!" Now keep in mind that we were invited to her 2nd child's naming ceremony even though we are completely unrelated! And we were expected to and DID include her first child in our commitment ceremony last month! I am furious at getting this treatment. At this point I am feeling like "ok, if she wants to be like this and use this child as a game pawn then I want nothing to do with it". At this point I have very little feelings of attachment to this poor child and I don't want to make her life worse by allowing her to use her in her sick little games. Also don't really feel inclined to allow her to use us when it suits her to give the kids gifts and dicard us when it doesn't. A big part of me wants to just wash my hands of the situation altogether which is not like me at all. I LOVE my grandchildren and I love being with them. I just don't know how to deal with this situation. There may come a day when we sit across a court room and deal with it that way as she also does not take good care of her children at all and the state has been involved in the past. So I need your input! Are you a grand parent? What would you do? How far do I go to be fair and what is better for the child?