plz, can you give me some help

@Canteen (592)
China
October 26, 2008 4:33am CST
he's very very good to me, every time when i'm in trouble, he's always there and gives me good advice. i'm a kinda gloomy person, once i became so desperate about my life, it was he who let me look on the bright side. he just knows how to cheer me up, while other guys can not. maybe this is because he's much older than me, seven years older. i'm a junior in university, while he has been working for years. and we're not in the same city, acctually we're far away from each other. i used to be a very independent person, i dealt with my problems all by myself. i'm from a broken family, my parents haven't given me much love and care since i was very young. he always says let's face the problems together. these words really touch me. i think i'm so lonely and tired to be all by myself. every time i'm blue, i call him and tell him those unhappy things. then i become much better. i think i become relying on him. he says he loves me, and his actions tell me that he loves me very much. but i don't love him. tha't the biggest problem. i don't like his appearance. he's short and not good-looking. don't get me wrong, i don't mean that my partner must be tall and good-looking. but i don't why, i tried so hard to accept his appearance, just failed. i know the proverb never judge a book by its cover. and i know i like his voice and thoughts. but i still can't fall in love with him. besides, he is 27 year-old, he hopes that i can be with him after my graduation.i know he wants to marry me, but i don't want to marry him at all. now it's time to give him a certain answer, say yes or no to his love. he's such a good guy, i don't want to hurt him. and i'm afraid i can't meet anyone who loves me so like he does. and i like to be loved and cared about, but i don't love him. it's so unfair to him. what should i do? i'm in dilemma. can you give me some advice? thanks a lot.
3 people like this
14 responses
• United States
26 Oct 08
There's a lot of me me me and I I I in this little discussion. Tell me, what have you given him? Sounds to me like you are very needy and you are depressed. Perhaps ditching the guy and seeking the advice of a professional will assist you in dealing with that which ails you. You are merely using this guy and he deserves better than that, you know this. So what can you do? Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Time to grow up and take charge of your life rather than depending on someone else to get you through.
2 people like this
@Canteen (592)
• China
27 Oct 08
thank you for giving your ture feelings about this. i am using him? no, i don't think so. but it's true i am relying on him. you're right, it's time to give up.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Oct 08
it will be unfair for both of you if yo will accept his proposal and do not really love him, you will be put under compromising situation, you are putting yourself into a prison. tell him the truth, it will set you free, tell him that you cannot offer anything than pure friendship. it will break his heart but it is better to break it earlier so that he could recover soon that let him live with a lie and hurt him more in the future. if you cannot take him then do not. just tell him as nice and gentle as you could, he deserves the best respect ever, break his heart gently.
2 people like this
@Canteen (592)
• China
26 Oct 08
that's true. but saying goodbye to him also makes me very very upset. am i too selfish? maybe, i just like to be loved.
1 person likes this
@Emilyzhu (147)
• China
27 Oct 08
Um ,this seems to be a little tough .But I want to know you don't love him just by his appearance ? If so ,don't you think a beautiful heart is much more important than a good looking ? And as you said you like to be loved ,to be cared ,this is what he can give you all.He loves you so much .Of course ,you have not to love someone just because he loves you .But if you really believe that you will never love him unless he changes his appearance ,then please leave him ,give him freedom ,don't delay for his happiness ,and ,of course ,yours .
2 people like this
• Singapore
27 Oct 08
Hi friend, this seems to be a pretty tough situation that you are in. Personally in my opinion, i think you cannot choose who you fall in love with. There are many good guys out there but its impossible that you fall in love with all of them. I sueggest you to have a face to face talk with your boyfriend and hopefully he will understand you since hes a good guy that you mentioned. All the best to you
2 people like this
@shefalis (81)
• India
26 Oct 08
Well he seems to be the perfect person to take care of you.Something that you always wanted but never got. But on the other hand you dont love him. A tough decision in your situation. Let me say that this is something that you would need to decide , we all mylotters can give you pur point of view, but you are the one who has her life ahead of her. You are the one who has to make a choice. It is apparent that this person really loves you,inspite of him being aware of your feelings he has still proposed you and is looking for an answer to it. Well incase you dont want to hurt him,then you would be hurt as you say you do not love him. The situation seems quite a tricky one. I would suggest that incase you dont love him then you better say no to him and stick to it inspite of him being there or not after this. dont dilly dally the whole thing.you have to make a choice.I Its your life.So go ahead and decide dont be in a dilemma.weigh the pros and cons and be practical. There is also a saying marry someone who loves you and not someone you love. iknow m giving you a very conflicting advice. Sit and think. do not interact with him for sometime and things would be clear if you want him or not.
1 person likes this
@Canteen (592)
• China
26 Oct 08
thank you for answering. just imagine he wouldn't talk with me anymore if i said no, my heart hurts. in fact, i don't know what my exact feelings for him is. so complicated.
1 person likes this
• India
28 Oct 08
Hey! that was something which was bound to happen. Very few people can be good friends after all this. Once feelings come in friendship it is no longer a friendship then either it turns into a relationship or has to be ended. You have to think. Maybe you were to dependent on him thats why u r feeling bad. Maybe he became a habit for you to run to from all your troubles. Nothing is complicated in life unless we want it to be. So try and think rationally. Maybe try to focus on your studies or career. Incase somewhere down the line you think you feel for him,u could connect and see how things are then. Otherwise just move on. ALso remember whatever happens , happens for the best. I believe in it. I have been thru things where i thot maybe that was the best part of my life. But no the best is always there. U move on find better people and you tend to forget. Dont look for happiness outside , look inside you. And if u want to feel hurt then i suggest you feel hurt for fewdays, sulk and after that you would come out of it. Thats how we all are. We move ahead and forget the past. Just learn from it.All the best
@nana1944 (1367)
• United States
26 Oct 08
Gee, it is hard to give advice to this one. The best advice I could give is to ask him if you do say no if you can still be friends. Just tell him his friendship means a lot to you and you would like to keep him as a friend. He sounds like a wonderful person. So he really ought to understand. Tell him that you feel it would be unfair to him. Looks mean nothing in the long run but you have your own feelings about what appeals to you. My daughter's biological father was shorter than I am and my first husband was a foot taller so the height has not much to do with anything. I have had goodlooking mean and not so goodlooking so I can't, as I said, really tell you to overlook it as you are different than I. I just think you should possibly start trying to not depend on someone elase so much. Tho I can understand that it is nice to have soneone who is supportive when you need it. God bless you and may God help you to decide.
@Canteen (592)
• China
26 Oct 08
it's so nice of you to say so. thank you very much. i know it's very necessary to be independent, but sometimes it's just so hard to be all alone. i think i need to learn how to be a strong person.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16268)
26 Oct 08
To be honest it sounds like what you feel for him is more like someone would feel for a relative, a brother or something. When we have been through bad times in our life and someone is kind to us it is very easy then to feel obligated to that person and even to confuse it with love for a while. But if this is how you feel about him, if there is no love, no attraction for him from you then it is not fair to let him have false hope. It is unfair to him you are right, and no matter how hard it is you need to tell him how you feel. If you carry on with him you will end up unhappy and he will end up feeling deceived and that is no good for either of you, you both deserve a lot more. Tell him now before it goes any further and make a good and happy life for you, do what makes you happy.
1 person likes this
@Canteen (592)
• China
26 Oct 08
yeah, you're right. i always call him Gege, which in Chinese means elder brother. i think i'll be happier if he's my brother other than my lover.
1 person likes this
@061234217 (133)
• China
26 Oct 08
If I were you,I would say no.Marriage is based on love-mutual love between both of you.You know you don't love him and it is unfair to him.How can you say yes to him?And as you said,he love you very much.If so,he will respect your choice.As long as you are happy,he would happy too.I found I carried a torch for my best friend after I knew he had his own girl.At the beginning I was really very sad.But I began to wish him well immediately.Because I really love him...So,believe me,if he really love you,he won't leave you no matter what you would say.You may hurt him,but you won't lose him.
1 person likes this
@Canteen (592)
• China
26 Oct 08
yes, i'm afraid to lose him. and what's worse, now i'm in a very bad situation. other problems in my life almost drive me mad. so you can see i'm in low spirit.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Oct 08
Wow, this is a really tough situation. Listen, Canteen, you can't choose who you fall in love with. Believe me, there are plenty of great guys out there in the world--that doesn't mean that you have to fall in love with every one of them. You should talk to your boyfriend, and let him know how you really feel. You are both adults, and if he is mature, he will understand. If he's half of the good guy that you described, he will understand. You should not force yourself to be unhappy just because this "nice guy" fell in love with you. Good luck, I know it's hard.
@Canteen (592)
• China
26 Oct 08
thank you for answering. i have told him all my feelings. he knows that i don't love him. so he let me make the decision, to accpet him or to give him up. my mind is just in a mess, i don't know what to do.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164167)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Oct 08
hi c anteen well like you said its not fair to him, if you marry just because he is good to you, he deserves to be'married by someone who really does love him and cares for him, and doesnt give a tinkers damn about his looks. You sound very young and a bit immature. you do not love him so dont say yes, tell him you like him and would like to remain friends but you cannot in all conscience marry him as you do not love him. Now do grow up and realize that a good person wont necessarily be gorgeous looking on the outside, and that when you fall in love it wont be with his looks. you will know when you find the right guy.
1 person likes this
@xsquid (111)
• Indonesia
26 Oct 08
don't mess up between friendship and relationship, from what I read... you treated him as a best friend not more. And he is the one who loves you so much, but I advice you if you don't really love him than be frank with him. Yes, maybe you'll hurt his feeling for now, but time will heals his wound. Just remember a relationship without true love from both will not last for long. Regarding finding someone else, be positive there are many good guys out there, I'm sure you'll meet your true love one day.
1 person likes this
@mods196621 (3656)
• Philippines
26 Oct 08
That was the hardest question to answer my friend. If I were you according to what you have said having a guy like him who loves you so much is hard to find now a days. But if you could not love him how can you be with him for the rest ot your life? The thing your going to do is to choose between love and friends who are concern about you. Do you accept if you marry him with no love or do you accept to marry a guy who you love much. Try to balance yourself tell him to give you much time. Love is not selfish remember? tell him to let you free on your decisions and be sport minded. But it is your final descision also. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18449)
• India
27 Oct 08
actually here you are fighting with yourself. you can't get his appearance to be liking. same time you like the attitude. you have to take the call which is the priority plus the age gap.
@skysuccess (8880)
• Singapore
27 Oct 08
Canteen, There are a couple of subconscious issues that have been affecting and implicating your love life, whether or not you recognize those afflictions. Perhaps afflictions might be too harsh of an adjective to use here, but you get the gist of what I am driving at later as my post unfolds itself. Inherently, you are like a bumble bee, actively visiting from flower to flower. And a bee does what a bee does; until the bee forgets being a bee. Perhaps in all other superficial romantics that you might have in your head, you probably only learnt about what's love and passion until the day you realize the sinking feeling of its absence. It could be a change of environment that actually bonded you and him together; but when you eliminate this variable, many things will likely to change accordingly. I don't see how an aimless wait could elevate you to the next level, especially when it isn't calculated. In love, waiting is often 'abused' as a convenient excuse by people to dwell in a melancholic one-sided love affair that will amount to nothing at the end of the day. You felt that you had to wait in the 'queue' or the 'right timing' before miracle might happen, but I can tell you that fate, unlike Pizza Hut, hardly deliver your request right to your door step. Without viable strategy; it's either you know about your failure now, or you halt the revelation on a later date. But surely, it's just delaying the inevitable. Romantics, very often, are only screen in movies. Reality are usually very much harsh. I remembered a few occasions when I spoke to my "jie meis" a.k.a. sisters and they did lament about how seemingly impossible for guys to remain platonic with them. Pretty much above-average looking, all of them explained that whenever the situation is such that she gets emotionally close to a guy, he will end up falling in love with her. Why? Well, the answer is obvious, they do not want to face the fact to reveal to the other party that they have casual friendship feelings and do not have love feelings for their other halves. This is not about being logical, but rather - more about being enlightened and practical. If your esteem cannot handle rejection, failures and all sort of negativity that fear has corrupted your mindset, then forget about love altogether. Albeit love bestow great strength, simultaneously, it will revealed our vulnerability. In love, you cannot desire great strength and reject showing your vulnerability - it's impossible. It's not about what you should do; it's about what you want to do. In this post, I cannot help but feel that the lack physical attributes of the other party is causing you to waiver in your feelings towards him. Here, I believe you are really in a self denial stage where again your romantics and false expectations of love is playing your mind. I think you need to understand that the true mechanics of love is not solely dependent on physical attractions. You may deem that your good looks cannot be compatible with his lacking, then I can only tell you that these are just on the surface. These things will come to past and before you know it time will just catch up with age. It will wither and be like dust blown away by the strong winds and the heavy rains of life trials. What will prevail at the end will be the much need qualities like, unconditional love, commitment, trust, honesty, tenderness, mutual understanding, perseverance and an undying faith to stand by you at all times. You need to look beyond the laterals of romanticism and start looking deep. Love is not about looking at each other; but looking together at one collective direction. In conclusion, a relationship does not have to end up as lovers; both parties can remain as true good friends - provided both parties are mutual and honest. Take care and have a nice day.