How can I deal with the relationship with my parents?

China
November 9, 2008 7:57pm CST
There are three children in my family, me, my younger brother, and younger sister. I received the highest education, both of them quited from junior school. My parents are farmers and they are quite old. Now, it is nearly impossible for them to cultivate crops, and they don't have any endowment insurance. So, to support them has become a heavy burden. Now I work in a big city, and my salary is not that high as they expect. But I have to send money home every month, and I have no money saved for myself at all. But my parents are not satisfied, and they think I should do more all because I received the highest education. My younger brother and sister are so immature that sometimes I even have to give them money to support them. All these situations are driving me crazy. Sometimes I quarrel with them, but nothing change. When they need money, I have to give. I feel exhausted. Now I think nobody understand me, and I am hopeless even desperate, I fight I cry, I do not know what to do....................
2 people like this
22 responses
@yangshuai (136)
• China
11 Nov 08
i'm so sorry to hear that.i think your mom abandon little brother and sistre's further education,she had no choice.the heavy burden is beyond her bear.she definitely wish you have a bright future.so the miserable things happened,we should have guts to face up it.now you are the biggest hope to your mom.keep it up.i trust you,work hard,don't let your family member down.come on.
@mcraig (11)
• Australia
10 Nov 08
Supporting your own family must come out of will. If you are stressing out from their excessive demands you are actually damaging your personal life. Your brother and sister can work for themselves. Don't encourage them to be deliberately slack. Apparently, your parents must be reaching their old age so they could hardly support themselves so I would say you should help them out of love. You have to save some for yourself too so that you can continuously help your parents. Make a balance " Love God,love others and love yourself" if one of these three is gone you are in heck of a mess.
• United States
10 Nov 08
That sounds kinda rough. I mean in all honesty I would talk to them and tell them how your money situation and how it's hard for you to get ahead when you give them money. If they care about you, they'll want the best for you and do to better than they did.
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
i'm sorry that you're going through tough times. i guess this is common among families...i am sure that you have exhausted all efforts to explain to no avail---so i guess what i did might work for you too. there are people who do not digest explanationas and need something "physical" in order to fully grasp the truth...so try this tactic----give them a copy of your actual payslip together with a list of all your expenses per cut off....i know some people may find this far fetched and even feel uncomfortable about showing others their finances, but it just might help your family realise things...this might be the only way they would understand that everything you earn is well spent...it would also make them understand that you are not trying to hide anything from them and that you are not being selfish, hopefully, it would make them appreciate you even more....i hope it works for you, no harm in trying...goodluck!
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
i'm so sorry that yo're going through togh times...i understand exactly how you feel for we experience something similar with my family...it is definitely unfai that they demand for you to give more just vecause you are at a better situation than they are....i guess it's normal for people to think that you are earning millions and can afford to send all your earnings back to them....why dont you try giving them a copy of your actual paycheck together with a list of your expenses, just so they understand how much you're getting and where your money goes...that way they would pretty much see for themselves how things are...it may sound pretty far fetched and most people would feel uncomfortable that way, but it might be the only way you can make them realise things. some people need something physical to understand things, i hope this works somehow....otherwise, things will cary on and even get worse for you....goodluck!
@animeniak (425)
• United States
10 Nov 08
Umm... it's good that you are trying your best to support your parents because they raised you in the first place. But any ideas why YOU should give some of your money to your younger siblings separately? I don't think so. I am a college student right now, trying to enhance my own education, and I don't have a job. My brother works in American National Guard Headquarters, and he does make some good money, and is about to be promoted to some other rank later on (probably, if I remember correctly) but honestly, I really don't remember the times when I asked him for some money just because I want some of this and that. I do remember times when he did buy some stuffs for me because I said I wanted them, but I really don't remember when I asked my brother or my parents to buy me this and that thing over and over again. That's just WRONG thing to say to them. I should work for myself and be able to support myself, but I just can't because the unemployment rate around here is so high nowadays. Supporting your parents is good thing I guess, but ask your parents to deal with your younger siblings, because having to give some allowances to your siblings is not so necessary in my views. Tell them to get their own jobs, or just help with their parents farming -_-.. and sorry that I may sound harsh and sorry you have to live like that. Besides, receiving the highest education doesn't always guarantee you high salary, because your highest education just means you received the highest education in your family. But compared to other people's education, your "highest education" may not be so great. Don't want to say some bunch of crap about your parents now, because I don't have the right to do so. But I think they need to understand that you are having such hard time trying to support yourself with your own earnings, because your siblings are so immature and they are becoming more greedy for your earnings and not being grateful for your help.
@phoenix25 (1542)
• United States
10 Nov 08
Did your parents pay for your education? If not, you don't owe them anything. I also wouldn't give any money to my younger brother and sister that felt they didn't need to get an education. If you keep living like this, your family is going to run you into the ground.
• China
10 Nov 08
Maybe parents always think their children are best though they ignore our facts , you can explan your difficult conditions to them instead of quarrel with them . Becuase you are the oldest one among three children , so your parents certainly hope you can help them and your young brother and young sister , so don't cry any more , try your best to help your family especially surpport your parents becuase they gave birth to you and surpported you to grow up , but you needn't give yourself heavy burden , if you feel you have try your best and have done enough , that's ok then . Everyone should have a heart full with thanks whoever old or young.
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
Wow! You're in a predicament that doesn't have an easy way out my friend. You and a lot others have the same situation, and all involve parents that have far less understanding of the effects of school. Most of these parents think that just because you finished school, you are now expected to earn high and give them more. Whew! That's sad. Maybe it's a good way though to rethink your situation. You're in the city, the rent is high, and your salary ain't that much. Your parents are in the farm, cultivating land and your brother and sister are where? Why don't you let your brother and sister cultivate the land with your parents? Can you try relocating to a city that may be farther away but with lesser lifestyle and higher pay? Or somehow make a plan that could use your parents land and create it to become an earning land. Like let other rent it and the rent goes to your parents or so. On the other hand, if you can't go to another town, you can do double jobs while looking for a way to make use of their land and your brother and sister's muscles .
@blazivic (100)
• Lebanon
10 Nov 08
i agree with all the guys who responded, and i add that FAMILY is the most importing thing in life..as long as you're doing ur best, there's no need to feel bad..try to explain to them,communicate with them and tell ur younger brother to share the responsibility of bringing some cash and ur sister to stay close to them..let it be a team work, dont throw all the burden on urself..hope things work out.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
You are very lucky your parents have helped you to earn the highest education among their siblings.Don't feel exhausted in helping them.Don't feel they are a heavy burden for you.God Bless us always when we do good to our parents.Don't worry if you have no money saved for yourself God will always provide for us.Be happy as you send them money and God's grace will come pouring like rain.Quarreling your brother and sister wont do you anything good maybe it's not yet their time to have luck as you have now.Having a job now,you should feel blessed.
@mohommed (60)
• India
10 Nov 08
Hello friend ! I understand your problem.Neither you are wrong nor they.But there has to be a way out.If you have enough experience you can try for new jobs with high pay package.You can register with reputed job sites like naukri.com ,monster jobs,recruit net and shine jobs.They will difinitely be of great help apart from your search and references.But ,if you are in urgent need of huge amount of money you should go for bpo jobs as the pay packet is much much high than any other.BPO'Slike Wipro and IBM always hires customer care executives.You also just try your luck and see and for your siblings tell them it is high time and they too need to grow up as you will not be able to look after them whole life.They should also work if they are 18+.If they are living in town you can save some money and give them to start a small business there accordingly. Dont feel irritated by all this .Just think positive and be happy ,face your problems and try to solve it very carefully.There is always a way out only we waste time in thinking to avoid it rather than solve it. Best of Luck !
• India
10 Nov 08
your situation is like my fathers. My Dad is the eldest son of 7 siblings and being a son, he received the highest education among them. On dint of that, Dad got a job with Citibank. But he had to shoulder the responsibility of the entire family coz my Grandpa was becoming old and it was expected that the eldest son take up the mantle. My Dad did his best, even getting the younger sisters married off…but money was hard to come by and Dad had to accept a position abroad. He stayed abroad for about 10 yrs and my mom and me stayed back. When Dad was just saving some money and thinking of taking mom and me to his place, my grandpa expired and then my grandma became sick and there were still three sisters to be married off. My grandma wanted Dad to give up his job abroad and come back and take over his responsibilities as the eldest of the family and guardian of younger siblings. Dad came back… maybe you can take some solace from this that you are not alone in your predicament…there are many such elder siblings, who give up their happiness for their parents. Its never easy, specially as this is the time you want to enjoy life a bit. Its all the more demanding in underdeveloped nations coz there’s practically little or no social security for the aged and they fall back on their children for all the support. You cannot turn away from your family coz people will call you selfish and your own conscience will pri*ck you. I can give you no advise really but it’s a no-win situation for you. My Dad is now almost 60 and all his siblings are settled in their own family…yet even today, if required, they come to him for help as if, just because his parents gave him the highest education, it is his duty to look after his siblings throughout their life.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
10 Nov 08
its very natural they will expect from you. they provided you best education despite not being rich. a syou are doing job, they will need some help. so try to balance both
@lingli_78 (12836)
• Australia
10 Nov 08
i think you have to tell your parents honestly that you are struggling as well and can't give them as much money as they expect... just be honest to them... tell them... as for your siblings, you have to talk to them as well and tell them to take a part in helping you to support your parents as well... anyway, they have the responsibilities to do that as well as your parents are their parents as well... i hope things will get better for you... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
@ladysakurax (1163)
• Canada
10 Nov 08
that really sucks. First of all, you have done greatly for them but what they should do with the monney is not spending them but invest it. Can they save a part of that monney to open a small store or start a business? That would be somethign interesting for you to think off. SO you should suggest your parents to move in town and try to find a opportunity to make something. As for your bro and sisters, you should only give them monney if they continue their education. If don't don't intend to continue on going to school, there's no point on giving them. If you continue on sending off monney, they'll just keep on leeching off from you. When will this ever stop? You can't do this for the rest of your life. I thinkit's time you tell your sis and bro to get a job or do something productive for their own. get married or something so they can leach off from their in law family haha. Goodluck my friend
@migenKC (792)
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
i personaly dont think it is the children's duty to support the family when the parents cannot make it anymore. it is love that binds a family and not obligation. parents do not create children to feed them but it is on our hearts that we cannot just let them be alone and strugle. on your case, tell them that they did not understand your situation the way it has to be. when they were young and had the opportunity to do the most, why they did not do it? no body can pass an obligation to someone else. no matter how old their children already are, they are still the PARENTS: the person who should stand for the family. but i am not telling that you should not support them, it is your heart that should give. and dont think that no body understands you, coz i do. im working too and very lonely... im so away from my family but i always make a way to enjoy my self. be happy... no body can force u to do anything against you will.
@messageme (2821)
• United States
10 Nov 08
Sorry to hear this. You should be proud of your accomplishments. As for your other siblings you are not obligated to give them anything but advice on how to grow up. I know it's probablu hard to tell them no, but you need to or they will never grow up and always depend on you. Tell them next time they ask for money that you don't have none. If they get there phone shut off or electric whatever it may be is that your problem? I think not! As for your parents it is hard for me to say. It would be hard for me to say no, but then again I don't know your parents. Are they generally mooches? Have they worked hard in their life or just done what they had to to get by and not really try? Like I said it's harder to say no to the elders rather than siblings...You are not responsable for them at all. Do they have jobs? how old are they? do they have families? Just curious.
@nilugo (348)
• Singapore
10 Nov 08
It is wonderful that you take such good care of your family, but I think you should let them know that they also should carry some of the family burdens, not only you, even though you have had the highest education. You should cut down on your payments even though at first you may feel guilty doing that -its for their own good -ie for your brother and sister. Ask them to find jobs -make them feel that they also have a duty to look after your parents. I know it is difficult to make them understand but try and be strong. You cannot loose your control over things.
@rsa101 (23535)
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
I guess it is our duty that we provide for the welfare of our family. But I guess that is quite hard on your situation that you have to give all your earnings for them. I can only suggest that you send what you can for them but don't forget to save something for yourself because you deserve to enjoy you own earnings too. Just explain to them that is what you can provide them and tell you other siblings to start doing something for themselves too especially if they are already old to fend for themselves. You can help them perhaps in finding them a job but do not allow them to depend on you alone. I am pretty sure they can find something that could provide for their own too.