Everyone we knew thought we were the perfect couple.

Were we the perfect couple? - Pic taken of me and husband last year. were we the perfect couple?
United States
November 25, 2008 12:19am CST
SO HOW DO I TELL EVERYONE NOW THAT ITS OVER! I don't let people in my personal life. And to be telling all this is a very big BIG deal for me. I let all my friends think that we got along great. Even though we haven't for some time. I feel like when the news gets out about t***** and j****** that you may as well put it in the town news paper. You know how other like to see you fail. Well we have been married for 17 years, that's a long time for people to be waiting on you to fall on your @ss. I have been hiding in my house for 5 days. Just not wanting to face the world. Even though this break-up was my choice, I'm not ready to say, I'm single yet.
10 people like this
36 responses
@jazel_juan (15753)
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
that is sad, but you do not have to be afraid, you do not have to care what other people would say, it is your life...you are not perfect nobody is...just come out whenever you think you can and when people ask you why it happened, you also do not have to answer...it is where you are happy that matters goodluck
2 people like this
• United States
25 Nov 08
Thanks for the advice. Its gonna be hard. I'm gonna wait a while telling friends. And maybe even family. But you know how rumors spread. Like wild Fire. So some family already knows. Thanks again.
2 people like this
@money1 (107)
• United States
27 Nov 08
Well I've never been married but i was in a 7 year relationship that ended 4 months ago and their were some people happy to see things fell, but that just lets you see who your real friends are including family. But don't let that get you down keep your head up even if you have to fake til you make it. This is your chance to turn a negative into a positive. Now you can get out there and date different types of guys until you figure out what you want in a man. But until then have some fun. This world is full of hot and sexy and you deserve to have one on your arm all women do.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
You know. You are absolutely right. I do deserve me a hot sexy man. Served with whipped topping. That would look funny on my arm though wouldn't it.? Thanks.
1 person likes this
• Canada
25 Nov 08
There's no rush to tell anyone anything that you are not ready to share! They need to understand that you may need some time and when you are ready you may tell them something but not before then! It's always a shock to others when a long time relationship/marriage is no more...No one expects it but then they don't live behind the closed doors either! There is no shame if you did the right thing for you! I know of a couple similar to you that divorced because he was being unfaithful online...She most definitely did the right thing in telling him to leave and he actually agrees! However, she'll never trust him again and so it has been over for many years now! They still work together at raising their boys but that is it...They live in separate homes and that is how life will always be for them now! There is no shame in what she did and he has had a huge learning experience out of this! Please take your time in this and remember there is no shame! ~Heavens~
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
Thank you for the kind words. I don't have shame. just having a hard time coming to grips with it all. I really didn't think it would be this hard. I think leaving my home is the hardest. Thanks.
2 people like this
• Canada
25 Nov 08
Why do you have to leave your home? Can't he leave? Besides, you have the children! Take Care! ~Heavens~
@busyB4 (875)
• United States
26 Nov 08
So sorry that you are having this to deal with and holidays time would not be a good time (of course no time is good, but you know what I mean). I have not been through it so I cant say I know how you feel. I know some people just having the gossip is the thing, especially alot of time in the workforce. Try to keep your chin up, as the dealing with it all with kids is not going to be easy without anyone elses input. You will truly know who your true friends are though after something like this!Good luck to you and your children.
1 person likes this
• India
26 Nov 08
Hello my dear walkthetalk Ji, I am really purturbed with your out-come and fail to understand, why it happens, and why it has not happened with us, even after double than your's married life plus five years. We are now going to start 39th year of married life, but not a single time it came for seperation. Please if there is any room now left avoid. Where and how are you going to account those 17 years loss period. may God bless you. Have a great time.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Well, I wouldn't say it is all lost years. We had some good time together. I believe he forgot how to treat me. He forgot how much I meant to him. We raised 2 wonderful, Beautiful children together. So I'll never say that it was a lost period. You may not understand. But have you ever been verbally abused day after day. If so then you would understand. This is no life for a child to live through.
2 people like this
• India
27 Nov 08
Hello my dear walkthe talk Ji, Whatever has happened, it is not favourable for both. I do understand, things must have gone beyound one's control, a point of no-return. I reall feel that as and when spouses get engaged in hot discussion in front of their children, it badly effects the life of children. It has come in our life as well, even yesterday, I had hot discussion, but my duty towards my hubby has nothing got to do with our hot-discussion. We felt very bad as our grand daughter of 8 yrs old was at fast sleep. We realized later, taht we should not do. It just get subsided. No doubt, those yrs have importance in your life. may god bless you. have a great time.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Nov 08
I still don't think you understand. Me and my daughter have been in therapy because of our arguing. Because of the way my husband talks to me. My daughter started yelling at me and her brother. Talking ugly to me. Trowing things at her brother. All this is learned behavior. She was in anger management for four months. And we took Therapy together for four months. I did not leave him over one argument. It was over many years.
2 people like this
@nilzerous1 (2435)
• India
27 Nov 08
It is so sad to learn yet another case of relationship break up. I understand the feeling you have after coming out from a 17 years long relationship; and it looks like it took sometime for you to adjust with the changed situation. But the positive side of the story is that you have never bothered people around you - you have faced it all by yourself, although you not yet ready to face the world. I believe it is quite natural for a personality like you to take some time to coup up with the situation and to tell the people around you this fact. Simply do not stress yourself, take your time and tell people around you only when you feel comfortable. Otherwise, I think they will somehow know/learn/understand that you are single again. So, if they inquire of this, communicate the message. For the time being, you need to take some time out.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Well, You see, it is taking me some time to adjust to the change. It has not been a week yet. Now not only do I have to face the world in 5 days. I'm having to deal with the fact that I left my home a week ago. I see my daughter only every other day and I think my kids believe the lies my husband tells the them. I'm not ready to come out of my hole. But I have too. I have a JOB.
1 person likes this
• India
27 Nov 08
And I know you will recover from this phase.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Thanks a lot.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (27689)
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
I truly understand your situation. 17 years of marriage is something not to be joke at. Even I would be shocked and surprised why after all these years you would suddenly decide it's over. I think it will be unavoidable when the time comes that you have to face the music and do some explaining to each and everyone you know. I do hope that soon you will find the courage to face the truth and move on with your life.
• United States
25 Nov 08
I don't feel like I have have have to explain. Since it is my life. I just really can't stand nosy people that want to get in my business. So I just dread that part of all this. Ya know.? That for your help.
2 people like this
@rsa101 (27689)
• Philippines
26 Nov 08
Well I guess, you're right in there it's your life but then there are just people concerned why? I guess you don't have to explain it to those you're not really close to but to those that will understand you. I think telling this to your very close friends you'll be released from the tensions and you can totally moved on with your situation. The reason why you don't like to go out and feel free is that you are afraid of those "nosy" people. Face them with confidence and stand by your choice then tell them the truth and you'll be fine with your life.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Well, It has been 3 days since our first discussion. I have told many of my close friends. They did understand. And when I'm ready for this to be a public matter, well I got some good advice her on mylot. Just let my friends tell there friends. It will go on from there. That way, I want have to tell anyone else. Thank you for checking back.
1 person likes this
@coffeeshot (3785)
• Australia
27 Nov 08
Everyone said my ex-fiance and I were such a perfect couple. We only lasted 2 1/2 years. I was embarrassed to tell people too. We were so content. But the fact of the matter is that it's life. People change, our feelings change, our lifestyles change. It is no one's business and if anyone has been waiting for you to fall on your butt well they're clearly not happy in their own life. Be strong and learn from this experience, don't be ashamed to be who you are. Get out of the house! Go and buy a new dress! Get your hair done! If anyone has a problem with it then screw them.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thank you so much. I guess I'll see who wants to see me fall on Monday. I'm gonna go to work, and spread the news. After all. How long can you keep a secret from people you have worked with for 15 years. I have been with some of them almost as long as I have been with my husband.
1 person likes this
@sunnflr (2767)
• United States
27 Nov 08
I am sorry to hear about the breakup. Anyone who was waiting and wishing for your relationship to fail isn't worth your time anyway. I'm sure it will be hard being single again. I can't imagine. It seems from your posts here that you are strong, however, so I know you will make it. Come here to vent whenever you need. I will be thinking about you.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Oh you can bet. I'll be doing plenty of venting. I'm sure. I am strong. Atleast I like to think I am. I think that is what gave me the will to leave. otherwise I'd still be there taking that sh!t. Thanks for visiting. And the encouragement.!
1 person likes this
@messageme (2821)
• United States
27 Nov 08
My mom was with my dad for 14 yrs before they got a divorice. As the child I was very happy...They fought all the time and he was even mean to us just because he was mad at her. We thought it was the best thing that happen....I think some people just fall out of love with each other, it happens. As for my mom I really don't know how she told everyone or how she felt, but I do know that she critisized my dad a lot and made it sound like it was all his fault when in all actuality it was mostly hers. My dad I know he did the same thing, he put all the blame on her and told everyone how much of a B**&& she was. I really hope you don't do that because then you both look really stupid! And it's worse on the kids then. I wish you the best of luck and if this is what was ment to happen then you will eventually move on....If it helps don't tell no one for a while. That way when someone asks where's so and so you can just say "oh we seperated a while ago!" make it sound like old news. :) If anyone asks what happen just simply tell them you two just had a falling out thats all. No one needs to know details if you don't want to tell them. It may sound easy for me to say, but I have never been with anyone that long...So I hope it's just as easy for you. GOOD LUCK GIRL! just remeber always take care of yourself and family first. Who cares what others think.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Thanks for the advice. I hope my kids see soon that this was for them also. It is really hard on my daughter. We will survive. Thanks so much.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Nov 08
Hugs. Be strong. I do understand about your mixed feelings right now. Coming out and telling all your friends, that you just broke up with your guy is hard. And worse is the world wants to know why a 17yrs of marraige fail? Just take your time. Think about your future and how being single will be good for you. It maybe hard to face the reality but once you muster yourself and face the world, then you'd be free from pain. I am sure it will be a huge shock to your friends and to anyone who knows you. But we can't change whats about to happen. Your real friends will be there for you in these times. Just don't mind about other mongrels. Live life and now is your chance to show them how strong you are... without him.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Thanks a lot. Your words of encouragement really mean a lot. This is really a hard time. I have already told my real friends. And yes, your right. They are here for me. Every one of them. Thanks again.
1 person likes this
• China
25 Nov 08
ok.i want to give you a good advise:go out and live beautifully. it is your personal thing,personal choice,nobody have the right to blame you.happy is the most important for man,as far as you two have no chance to live a comfortable life,you can get any choice.it can give you two happy,and no need to bury our happy,only to give others a good impression.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
Thank you for your advice. I hope no one blames me. Thanks
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16268)
25 Nov 08
I am sorry to hear your sad news, I know exactly what you mean about people waiting to see you fail I have felt like that once already in my ten year relationship and it is a horrible feeling and I too hid myself away to the point that now I find it hard to mix with people again. I must explain that mine was not through a marriage break up but through infidelity on his part but I felt like you that I let everyone think we were perfect and this happened and I was the last to know I felt like everyone had been waiting for something to happen and I could not face anyone. I think that even though it was your choice you will still grieve for the relationship and you will have all those awful feelings that come with a break up but you will become stronger, as the days go on it will change it just does not feel like it at the time.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
I know it will get better. And the same as I have people waiting on me to fail, I have so many friends that surround me every day. That I know will be there for me. If I tell them. I'm just not ready for the news to get out yet. How long should I wait. What is a good length of time to wait to tell people, Friends, That I have separated from my husband.? That's a whole nother discussion. Thanks for your help.
1 person likes this
@syankee525 (6293)
• United States
25 Nov 08
often time i find sometime just saying little is good enough. and i feel like you shouldn't have to explain to anyone why it's over unless you want too. simple and to the point it's over. and if anyone ask just say you don't want to talk about it.. good luck to you
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
You know, I have decided that very thing. And everyone else is giving the same advice. So that must be the right thing to do. After all it is my business. Right. I never told anything before. Why now? Thanks for your help.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
You really don't have to tell anyone. It's none of their business. After a while, when they see that you and your husband are no longer showing up places together, they'll get it. When asked, just say that it wasn't working anymore. End of story. If they press, then maybe say something to the effect that it hasn't been working for some time. I've been there, done that. Sorry to say, but you are now in for a roller coaster ride of your life with plenty of ups and downs. Talking to a counselor or other person that you can talk to confidentially helps. Like to old saying, time does heal. And you will come away a better person. Best wishes, milady.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
Well, you know one of the good thing here is he never, ever went any where with me. I always took my kids places with me. If it was a couple thing then I didn't go. I would go lots of places with my friends. That has got real slim. At the end he wanted to try to control what I did. So we were always in this tug-of-war, you could say. So people want be asking why we're not together as a couple. If I need a counselor, I will take that route. This helps a lot. Talking to people on mylot who have been through it. Sometimes you guys give better advise than a professional. We all have been there and done that. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
25 Nov 08
Hey hon~You don't have to tell anyone until you are ready! It's nobody's business until you make it theirs! No one has to know anything right now. It doesn't have to be announced and you damn well didn't do anything to be ashamed of! People break up all the time! That's life! If people want to talk so beit! You did nothing wrong and it's your life and nobody's business! You need time to heal and if you want to keep this quiet for awhile then by all means do it! No one is forcing you to tell your business right now. You can tell if and when you feel that you are ready and only then! Don't give yourself extra stress! I'm here if you need to talk!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Nov 08
Thanks Opal. You always know what to say. You really are a friend. I always need to hear the word you have say. I'm tired now. So I'll chat with you tomorrow. Thanks again. Love You. Teresa
1 person likes this
@poohgal (6847)
• Singapore
26 Nov 08
Just tell your very good pals and they will help you spread the word. Friends who are sensitive will not ask you about it. Time will heal everything. During my first breakup, I didn't feel like going out to. I took a week to tell my good pal about it. I know she will help me spread the word. My other friends are sensitive enough. They didn't ask me anything about it. They know me well.. they know that when I'm ready, I will share. It took me a few months to be ready to share with them what happened.
• United States
27 Nov 08
That's a great idea. When I'M ready, just tell my friends to spread the word. I like that. That way I don't have to tell any body. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT . !!!!!
@poohgal (6847)
• Singapore
27 Nov 08
Be strong! Be happy!
• United States
27 Nov 08
THANK YOU !
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
26 Nov 08
The way I see it is, you didn't fall on your a**. You both grew but in different directions over the years. It's not that you hate each other or that you've had a bad marriage. You both grew up and out of the relationship that you have. We too have been married for 17 years. We have thought of divorce because of the changes in our lives and the feelings we now have. They are not the same as they use to be, because we have grown in different ways than each other. You have been through a lot in 17 years. It's just a matter of do you think of what you both want now to be happy. It's not that you have done anything wrong, neither of you. It only natural to grow and if that's in different directions then it is what it is. If you want to stay in what you've been in for so many years or just need things to change. There is nothing wrong with wanting something different for yourself. Or for being happy in this decision. Be happy for what you have decided to do and go out there and do whatever it is that you want to with your life. It doesn't matter what others think, they are not footing your bills or taking care of you. If they don't understand that you just need a change then so be it. It's not really for them to understand. It's your life and you need to live it to the fullest that you can and be happy with your decision.
• United States
27 Nov 08
Thank you a lot. He always tells me that I have changed. I don't really think I have changed. I became me around him. He never wanted to see the real me. And when he seen who I was. How out going, and active I really was. Then he started changing.
• United States
28 Nov 08
Yes, we all change in suttle ways or the "real" us comes out when we are tired of being what "they" want or what we think they want. It gets tiring being something or acting a certain way all of the time. When it gets down to it we are actually just giving up what we really want to be to make the relationship less rocky. We give in way too much and when that gets tiring we become ourself. That's what the others can not deal with, when we finally find our voice and say what we want to or do what we really would want to. We finally realise we have this right and if being what we are is not good enough...then we go separate ways. Be happy being you! No one will do what you want or let you be you unless you are you to begin with.
• United States
28 Nov 08
I'm not sure exactly what happened with your relationship, but I can tell you that if you hang in there and stay strong that things will get better for you. It's going to take some time for your wounds to heal, but sometimes being single again is not the worst thing in the world. When you're ready God will send you somebody special.
• United States
29 Nov 08
I hope hope everything gets better. And I hope the next person is God sent. Thanks so much.
• India
28 Nov 08
Well this is really sad and kind of unexpected too, given the rising rate of divorces. 17 years is a long long time and I am sure you have your very good reasons for this. So if the reasons are valid and strong to you, you do you need to justify yourself to anybody. Its yourself you have to face in the mirror everyday, your own conscience. If you are clean and clear there, the outside world can very well go to hell. Rumours do spread like wildfire but human memory is short and your past will be forgotten by others as fast as you let them forget it.
• United States
29 Nov 08
Your right. And I couldn't take the mental abuse I was living through any longer. Since I never talked about my personal life I hope your right. I hope everyone will forget all this.
@paula27661 (15898)
• Australia
28 Nov 08
You do not have to do anything until you feel you are ready and that includes leaving the house and telling people about your breakup. Are you sure some people are waiting for you to fall on your @ss? You may be surprised how much support you may receive. As far as dealing with being single, that will take time, 17 years is a long time to be with someone and being on your own is a big adjustment. I think that when you are content being on your own and learn about yourself, it will be then that you will be ready for someone new, but I would imagine it will take a long time before you get to that stage. It took me 2 years to get over my ex and become happy and single, that is not to say it will take you quite that long,but you'll see one day you will wake up and the world will be great again. Give yourself time and care. Look after yourself.
• United States
29 Nov 08
Thanks so much. I hope you are right. I hope that everyone's not waiting on me to fall. It is hard enough already. i just don't need any more to deal with.
@robert19ph (4584)
• Philippines
28 Nov 08
[i]Hello walkthetalk, That's really hard but I think people realize now that it's really hard to keep a good or ideal marriage. As times goes by, the rift between a couple widens specially if the kids are now grown up. The patience, love and understanding is even easier to let go as your marriage is tested by time. First, I was also surprised before to see marriages that broke up after at least 10 years. Now, I know better that it is even harder to keep it after that many years. We also have troubles but the important thing is to keep on working on your differences and to continue the understanding and love so the marriage won't break up. I think people will understand your breakup in time. You have to face it like any other challenges you have. Just like any challenges you been through it will be the first time and you will go through with it. The important thing is to be candid all about it. Regards.[/i]
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks. And you know. If everyone I know is as understanding as all of you are, I will only be so lucky. I just hope, and Pray. Thank you.