my mother in law is a dead beat Grandma

I don't think it's very right what she's doing and i think you deserve a bit of her time. However visitation is a two way street. She at least dropped by and stopped in for 30 minutes which is better than her passing through where you live and not even stopping by period. Now which one would you be more angry at that she totally neglected you or that she came and stopped by even for a minute. I don't think she's in the right but I don't think your in the right either. Do you go see her? IF so how often and when, you can't expect the grandmother to always be the one traveling to come see you and your children it needs to work both ways. If you have made efforts to go there at least once a year then you have every right to say you'd like to cut your kids out of her life. But if you aren't making any effort to go see her tell me this. Why should she show you any more respect than what you give her? Like I said it's a two way street. Both parties need to put in an effort. You can't expect her to do something your not doing yourself. Again if you ARE going to see her then this doesn't apply and you have EVERY right to be angry. But if your not then you don't have one ounce of angry rights because your doing the same thing she is.

I don't have any monster-in-law stories. My wife's mother in law is a good enough person. She does enables some people's dependencies. One son isn't a good parent, so she raises his kid. One daughter can't stand on her own and work out marital problems, so she brings her to live with her for an indeterminate period of time. Meanwhile, my wife is kind of left out in the cold because she's not as needy as the other two and makes good choices with her life. A little disappointing, but not a monster-in-law story. As to your monster in law, there's a certain degree of tolerance needed. You can't come down on your husband's mom because, at the end of the day he still feels some debt to her. It will only cause stress between you and him. You can't control your mother-in-law's behavior. What you do depends on how your kids feel about her when she's around. If they like having her around, then have them call her on their birthday and say "It's my birthday, I wish you were here." Then the kid tells Grandma what they are going to do today. You can repeat the same essential behavior for any holiday you wish. You can also have your kids tell her what their favorite present was or what food-dish they enjoyed eating most. Now if the kids don't like being around her.. then the situation where she doesn't visit often is just fine. When she says she misses people, you simply say "you are always welcome." If you tend go and see her and she tends to whine if you aren't planning to visit her again soon, you can say, "We enjoyed going to see you for X, but this weekend I'm afraid we are busy with Y. Why don't you join us?" Herein, X would be the last time you went to see her and Y is something you make up that you have 'already promised' the kids you'd do. (It is helpful to actually make such promises beforehand.) Tone and context are of course difficult to infer in text form. However, it seems to me that you have some resentment of your mother-in-law and what appear to be emotional control-games. There is probably a reason she has an ex-husband and is visiting him. That being, something about her is high-maintenance enough that it is hard for her to keep a husband. She probably looks for your husband/her son for some emotional validation. But, there is a small vested interest to consider here, too. Looking to the future. How you interact with your husband's mother is going to set a tone for how your children will handle mother in law issues later on. One day, you will hopefully be a mother in law and grandmother. If you display a behavior for your children that mother-in-laws aren't important, then that's what they will internalize as an adult. Contrarywise, if you represent to them a behavior where mother-in-law is respected despite quirks because a mother-in-law should be respected, then hopefully they will copy that behavior when grown up.

ugh! I feel your pain!! My M-I-L, lives about 2 hours away, and the only time she comes to visit is when she has a doctors appointment in the area and needs somewhere to stay... Then since she and her boyfriend have recently broke up, but she insists on still living in the apartment with him, even though he stays elsewhere to avoid her on the weekends, she has started drinking again...(she is, or was a recovering alchoholic) Last time she was here she drank from the time she woke up until the time she passed out....She hasnt been here in a month, as we told her that wasnt appropriate behavior around the children....but I can definitely understand where you are coming from! It is pretty annoying, especially when they try to make you or their son feel guilty because they havent seen their grandkids....awful! Wow ranted more than I thought I would...lol! Thanks for letting me share!

I guess I have been extremely lucky in that area. My ex-mother in law is a wonderful gram and not only to the children that are hers but also to the 2 from another marriage. I am a gram myself and my grandchildren live nearly 45 mins. away. Getting over to their place is difficult mainly because of our conflicting work schedules. I work 2nd shift and my daughter works first. The kids are in school and in sports. Still, I have time off during the week and take them on school vacations and I spend as much time on holidays with them as I can. You have to sometimes work to remain close and they are so worth it. Even if I were hours away, I'd find a way to keep in close touch with them and cherish every moment that I could be with them. Your mother in law sounds as if she just can't be bothered.

sounds like your hubby doesnt like his mom cause shes been abusive to him. i was like that with my mom. nothing i ever did made her happy and she constantly picked at me. there are people like that and you cant change them. my daughter in law is like that with everyone so it dont have to be a mom inlaw only

Hey don't feel bad my mother in law is only 50 feet away and she doesn't come over and see my girls. My oldest is 8 and she will go over if her cousins are over there. other than that if me or my husband don't go over there she doesn't see them. I figure leave it to the kids to decide, when they get older they will see for themselves that it was her that didn't want to come see them and not you keeping them from her. They'll blame her and not you. Either way it's her loss not theirs.

Wow!! Your mother in law almost sounds like my father in law, and even though my husband never stated to him he was upset with him, he did listen to me when his dad was trying to get him to come out and visit him. He will never come and visit us, and complained about me one time on the phone as well. Personally, maybe you intimidate her, or your husband does is why she is this way? All I can say, is if you are a Praying person, even though it might be hard to do, Pray for her, and try to be there for her, and if she will never accept it then time to move on. It will be her loss not yours.

I think that I'd be glad if my mother in law never came around. But if you really want the kids to see there grandma, take them to her once a month. It would be a great reason for a road trip for your family.