What do you do when the person you love most is cheating on you?

@laydee (12811)
Philippines
December 7, 2008 5:58am CST
I know it's a cliche topic, but I've never felt it so real as today. I was worried sick about this person I love and I opened his email to look for other ways to contact him (he's far away). I didn't really want to peek into his private email, but just wanted to contact at least someone to know how he's doing (he's been sick for days now). Now, the sad part, when I opened it, I saw pictures (nude) of a girl he's been in contact with since 2005. He recently talked and contacted her last November and they shared some intimate conversations online. What are you to do about it?
2 people like this
24 responses
• India
9 Dec 08
Hy laydee..hope u feeling better now well..i think most people go through such a phase and i would say it ...after all these..it makes us more human n strong.I went throgh something like u tho in a differnt way where he was constantly chating n talkin to a gal nite n day for months...i gave ourselves a chance but it never was the same....we then broke up ..it hurts but no one has the right to hurt us so much so try to move on with life.. i wish you make the right decision
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
9 Dec 08
When did you finally say it was over? How did you know it was time to move on?
• India
9 Dec 08
You asked the toughest question.It was hard for me to say it was over or say i didnt want to let go..i was living too much in memories tat i just dint let go.Finally i had to say it was over when i realised things were not the same between us anymore tho he was never in contact wit her anymore , we just coulndt communicate better anymore.Thats when we said its over and thats when i tried to move on n still trying to..
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
27 Dec 08
Indeed there's no easy way to say goodbye to someone you've loved over the years, but you're right, we need to accept reality sooner or later and not dwell in past memories. I'm actually still in the middle of the crossroads as of the moment, no final decisions yet, he's in Singapore for the Christmas break with his family, we'd have to talk seriously when he comes home. It's actually unnerving.
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
It happened to me before. I broke up with him. No explanations required.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
What happened to him? Did you have a better life after him?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
I caught him cheating with this girl. Saw them together, getting cozy and all over each other. Can't really say they're just friends if they're kissing, right? So I broke up with him. Told him all we can be are friends. Tried to be his friend. But he said being friends was torture for him coz he still wants me back and me being so nice to him was killing him. Aint revenge sweet?
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
Hehehehe.. Job Well Done my friend. That's so sweet.. hahahaha revenge I mean.
1 person likes this
@xParanoiax (6997)
• United States
20 Feb 09
Confront them. It's what I did when I discovered in a relationship I've previously mentioned in one of your discussions that he was messing around with my best friend of the time (who had ended up running to me in tears over it, and this event also ended up convincing her that she was bad for my life...which really wasn't the case, because she was truly remorseful over it and I'll always adore her..but I'm afraid I haven't spoken to her in years -- because she's refused to talk to me since)...I confronted him. He only denied it once. After that...I gave him a couple weeks to try to prove to me that he really cared enough about me. He groveled, begged, drew me pictures, gave me flowers, cried, and kept talking about how stupid he was. We were young, so I forgave him. Telling him that that had been one strike on his balance. You see, I have this rule: three strikes and I remove you from my life. This rule applies to everyone I meet. "Strikes" are only major events that have major repercussions on my life. I can put up with and deal with all other things than that, I put up with alot, in reflecting on some of the reationships in my life...but once you have three strikes, that's it. I'm pleased to tell you that he in fact did not cheat on me again, that boy will probably always really love me and I will always have a place in my heart for my love of him, and this issue was not the reason we're no longer together. Still, it's always...it's like a slap in the face, really. When it happens.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
20 Feb 09
I like your idea with the Strikes.. But then again, do they ever give you strikes as well?
• United States
20 Feb 09
Not so far...it'd probably be rather refreshing, for ME to be in the doghouse in a relationship for doing something dastardly, told that I'm "on notice and there's a score being kept and a limit to how high it can go". NOT that I hope to do somehing awful in some yet unforeseen relationship or anything...it's just, I dunno. *shrugs* I guess I'm picking the wrong people, if I'm the only one with rules.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Dec 08
Question. How do you know he was in contact with this person? Did he tell you? If so, then you can ask about her. But if you found out any other way, then this is a real bad sign.You may never know for sure but that you suspect him cheating is bad. I am sorry but if you feel you can't trust him , then you should part. You deserve to be with someone who can be completely honest with you.Take Care.
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@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
27 Dec 08
How did I know? I actually talked to her. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I truly regret having to talk to her, it only made me feel more hurt knowing that he said words and did things he did to me with her. But it also gave me some time to breathe when I found out that he does lie to her about other stuff but he didn't lie to me about. I'm not really sure what to do as of the moment, I'm sort of like just letting things be, but it indeed is killing me. I know we need to talk seriously and I hope we could arrive at a good decision. It won't be easy, but I do hope we can make it or I can move on. Thanks for the response. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Dec 08
I hope everything works out.Happy New Year!
@Llonorra22 (1150)
• Philippines
10 Dec 08
It's a tough question and situation! Have you talked to him about this? Try to talk to him first before making any decisions.. Good luck and Godspeed....
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
27 Dec 08
Yeah, we're still trying to figure things out. But I'm still actually confused a bit, though he's making his best to help me through it all. He does accept his mistakes, but I'm not sure what's next for us. I still do love him, so much.
• Philippines
31 Dec 08
Yeah I know how you feel. It's really hard to decide for now. Take your time and weigh things take your time before you decide. Good luck and godspeed...
• United States
7 Dec 08
thats the hardest thing to go through. to know that the person you love doesnt quite feel the same. ive been there time and time again and its something everyone deals with differently. i myself have given someone a chance time and time again and its just not worth it to continue to put your self through that. i cant tell you to follow your heart cause im sure at this point your heart and your mind are telling you different things. Best thing for you to do is talk to him and tell him how you feel. people can change but it takes determination to stop somethign like that..something a lot of people donmt have. decide in your heart the pros and cons and decide from there..where you should go..if you stay would you be able to trust? if you are like me..it would always be in the back of your mind and you would always wonder if he was still doing it or not.. something you just cant control. but its within you..the answer that is.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Dec 08
best of luck to you my friend
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
You are right, when you said that it would always be at the back of my mind always wondering if there's someone else. It's just so difficult to do so when you truly love someone and you really feel that they do too, it's just like you say, it's something so difficult to do (to control the temptation). But, as I said to one of those who commented, I did end it. I am just hoping that I could be sane enough to keep it ended for I'm an emotional person, I know I'd do something foolish sooner or later.
@tumenoa (58)
• Uganda
7 Dec 08
For the time being, there is nothing to be done. You have not received any explanation from him. You are just creating reasons for the picture you found on his email. Maybe before you opened his email address you already suspected to find something that would explain his absence. I wonder how you will start the conversation demanding an explanation from him since you popped into his email address without his notice I think you might find that he is not cheating and he has a very good explanation for the picture. The issue will still come back on how you will ask him about it and the question will be do you trust him?, and if he was to give a satisfying answer would you accept it and be contented?
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@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
We did talk. He denied everything. I actually talked to the girl. She said they have no relationship apart from flirting. He told me that the girl pursued him, she said it was the most absurd thing she has ever heard in her life. I don't know what's to come, but for now, my heart is numb.
• Uganda
8 Dec 08
All i can do is sympathise with you. But i think you can weigh your options before you take another step. If you are completely convinced that your boyfreond cheated omn you with her, then walk out of that relationship. No doubt there are quite a number of men out there who are more loving and caring than him. But all i can tell you, is that you can to consider your action better, coz it would cost you much.
@rmuxagirl (7559)
• United States
20 Feb 09
I would first break things off with him and then work on dealing with the pain and move on. I would confront him about it first tell him how it feels and ask him point blank what has been going on and who he would rather be with. It is better to know the truth than live a lie.
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@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
22 Feb 09
Nicely said. Thanks!
@gemini_rose (16192)
28 Dec 08
Hurts bad dont it? I think that unless someone has experienced this they can not know what it truly feels like. Whats that saying? seek and thou shalt find, I did the exact same and boy did I ever find out and it hurts and hurts. As to what you do, well that can only be your decision, I have stayed and stayed, nothing changes but well I made my decision. I hope that things get sorted out for you and that the pain lessens over time.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
29 Dec 08
Yeah, it's so true. Did you get over the person?
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
9 Dec 08
I will try to know the whole truth.Even the truth sometimes hurt.It still depends on how you feel after being cheated.If you feel you can still have him back or make him choose,be ready for the consequence.Or if you are ever willing to forgive him.It always depends on you.But for me,if he chooses not to stop after I have proven he's cheating on me then that is the end of our relationship.I can forgive him once and that is enough,for me.Do you think you can still forgive?
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
9 Dec 08
Ever since I knew him, I could really say I changed. I used to be too stiff in terms of tolerance to these mistakes and somehow, knowing him has made me rather soft. I don't know now if he does deserve the second chance (since he did cheat before but I don't know if that should be counted because he was still courting me that time) anyhow, I don't want to make bad decisions, neither do I want to rush things. I am always ready to forgive him, but if forgiveness wouldn't make him realize that he did this mistake, then I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where there should be constant spying and doubting. He knows that, because we talked about it last night. I know, deep in my heart, that I still love him so much. But the thought of things really just crushed my heart. I'm really struggling now not to cry and to be okay. I just want to breathe better.
• United States
9 Dec 08
this is what you should do. if you are not married, good, don't get married.you said he is far away? well , a long distance relationship very seldom works. you should have a serious conversation with him. do not yell or scream. but calmly ask him first, if he loves you. then tell him , calmly, what you found and ask him if he does love you so much, why is he fooling around with another woman. if he can't give you a straight answer and ho hums around, as hard as it is, you should get rid of him.someone that cannot stay true before you get married, will not be true afterwards.
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
9 Dec 08
Yes, thank you for those suggestions. I did talk to him calmly, but through the phone (because he's still far). We did talk things out and he did give me reasons, but for now my heart doesn't seem to respond well to those reasons. I am still in love with the person, he says he is too and shall wait for me. I don't know if I should believe those words. But for now, I am trying my best to keep calm and not decide hastily. I have cut our relationship as lovers, and am trying to avoid conversations. It pains me so much, but at least he knows I am deeply hurt. I guess the next moves should be his, and I'd soon find out if we both are ready for a second shot. Again, thank you for your advice, I will always remember that getting married isn't about love alone, it should be thought over and not rushed into.
• Indonesia
8 Dec 08
uff..that was awful Laydee, im sorry to hear that..well in that case, i hope u can be strong to cut the crap of him, unless he's willing to stop cheating on u n move on seriously with u both relationship..sure, he has to give u an explanation bout the girl n ask if u both will continue the relationship again or not.. i'd be so hurt if i were u, n i'll be very hard to forgive him..coz its not just cheating, they're already talked intimately.. so wat u gonna do with it Laydee ?
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
Thanks for the thoughts, friend. I actually broke up with him. Not in the most sadistic way, by the way. We talked and he apologized for everything, was really sincere and all. But I couldn't take his word for it. I mean, it's tough really to talk to the one you still love about these things. It's not easy. So, I just told him that I'm in pain and don't know what to do next, I want him back but it's just too complicated with all these things happening. He told me to just take all the time I would want, and he assured me he'd wait for me till I would heal. I don't know, I'm still confused. But I'm glad we talked. It's still tough though. I know I need to make a final decision soon. But for now, I just want to breathe from all the stress.
• India
8 Dec 08
It is not good to open and see other emails but i want to know whether you meet her everyday, everytime u spend time with her, if you love u most need to be with her care her and then you can know her very closely. i dont want to say more just follow and see if you love her truly
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
Yeah, I guess erratic assumptions don't work, neither does hasty decisions.
@becnh83 (806)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
that really hurts, i know what will i do with the guy, maybe i will kick him or fight him, or i will not talked to him and let him discover what makes me mad so that he will find ways and learned his mistakes in the end... happy posting
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
I don't think that really works most of the time.
@sumiirajj (1983)
• India
8 Dec 08
Hi friend,That situation is a real torture.We love a person much and if keeps cheating then he is not worth for us to continue.But we dont realise and keep clinging on to the person.But think that he is not fit,and when we feel that a person is cheating, our love for them would certainly fade.Our love increases only for a perfect person and not a cheater.So it is better to forget the person and lead your life happily.Dont sit and broom for this situation,instead change your mind ,keep it occupied with something else and lead a happy life. thanks for sharing.happy mylotting.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
I guess so, for now I feel like I'm headed nowhere, I want to ask him more, I want to know why, but as you said, regardless what else I'd know about him or if I do forgive him or what, he will do this thing over and over again.
@mayhem23 (185)
• Canada
8 Dec 08
I think it is important for me to define what is cheating in my relationship. If someone I loved was cheating on me, I would first confront the person and ask why? If she is genuinely sorry, then I might give her a second chance as long as the act she committed was not unbearable.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
What is cheating for you? Do you think secretly flirting and God knows what else isn't cheating?
• Philippines
7 Dec 08
im a jealous girl.. thats y when a guy cheating on me i will react fastly.. i will makgoing to quarell him or the gir land knowong all the truth.. but even i know the truth i still love him..
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
Me too!!! I did fight with him. We did talk. It was ok but then things started haunting me again, the thought of her! I talked to her. Found out he was pursuing her for a long time. Now, I still love him, but I don't want to force myself to someone who doesn't love me that much at all.
@lovesummer (1162)
• Malaysia
7 Dec 08
I think he has just been naughty , probably getting some cyber wink wink but i do think it is dishonest for not sharing this with you. I would talk to him about it. and see what would he say, or probably he isnt getting enough in real life. :P
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@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
Oh my God! How much more does he want?!
@vanonas (950)
• United States
7 Dec 08
I'm confused? Are you and him dating? It just seems like you were together at some point and you guys broke up and now you're snooping to find out what he's up to now.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
We're together. We're far now. We had a huge fight (without talks of separation or anything). We didn't talk for 2days and I was worried . I checked his email (the wrong thing to do). And found out about her.
@eynjel05 (444)
• Philippines
7 Dec 08
I really felt so sad about that. But if that happens to me, ofcoures I will feel so disappointed. Knowing that I really love him. I believe that if you love someone, you will not do such thing that can hurt the one that you love.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12811)
• Philippines
8 Dec 08
Exactly. If you love someone, why would you even attempt to do something that you know would hurt them? Right? I know he never expected that I open his email. But he should know that there are things women would sooner or later find out, no secret could be kept forever. I'd really like to hear what the guys have to say about that!