Don't know what to do....

United States
December 10, 2008 10:50am CST
Okay, so long story short, husband left a couple of nights ago. Yes, we have been having some problems. We also have kids. I did not see this coming at all. It is Christmas time for crying out loud. Now what? Do I try to talk him into coming back through the holiday? I'm a mess, this isn't what I want, but at the same time, I think he is right and it is for the best... So, what are your all thoughts on this? Are my kids screwed for life because of this?
3 people like this
11 responses
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
10 Dec 08
If his leaving is the best thing, then why should it matter whether he leaves before, during or after the holidays? Eventually, the kids will have to have a holiday without him being there 24/7, right? Whether or not he comes back for one more Christmas, I would think that making new traditions that include only you and the kids would be a big priority.
2 people like this
@angela38 (122)
• United States
10 Dec 08
If you ask me it does not matter when a person leaves a marrage if the jurk leaves you and your kids are better off without him. I say move on. Who knows it might be a quiter holiday and nicer with it quiter without the jurk.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Dec 08
I suggest give him time to cool off. You should know him pretty well and will be a better judge of how long that will take than I will but try to do it before the kids start asking questions and before Christmas. Once you are both calm you need to have a sensible conversation. No yelling, no blame game, and no tantrums just an adult conversation. Explain you think it would be best if he returned home until at least after the Holidays for the kids sake. Do not lay down rules and regs to him of how to act and so on just explain that you need to get along. If he comes home to fight your holidays are ruined but if dad does not return the whole day is going to be ruined and the kids may partly blame you. I admit this is terrible timing! After the Holidays decide where each of you stand. Can you make the relationship work or do you need to cut your losses and let it go? If you can make it work you should for the kids sake but if you can not get along and are all time fighting let it go for the same kids sake. As for the run the kids will have difficulties to over come if they are old enough to know what is going on. Good or bad there are thousands if not millions of children growing up in a seperated home daily. Many of these kids do feel resentment but just as many move on forward with their lives. Only time will tell the outcome for you and your children.
@bamakelly (5193)
• United States
10 Dec 08
Well you do say that you think your husband is right and it is for the best that he left however I don't know the full story for your break up. It is always a shame when children are involved though. They have to pay the price sometimes for these things. I personally don't like the idea of either parent walking out when there are children involved. I don't know the ages of your kids but they could possibly blame their selves for this. I know this because I have read and heard some stories on the products of divorce. I am not a product of a marital break up but I can still feel the compassion for those that are stuck in the middle. I really wish you luck here. I am not sure if I should tell you to beg your husband to come back I just know that right now your kids should take first priority. Let them know you are there for them. It might make things easier to deal with in the long run and if they know that you are there for them you might not need to worry about them being screwed up for life.
@checapricorn (16065)
• United States
11 Dec 08
[i]Hi quilted, If he is concern about the kids, he will not allow whatever he felt to dictate what he will do especially it's Christmas time....Just give him time and maybe he will just come back and celebrate this Holiday with you...It's not bad also to talk to him about the problem and talk about your problem... The kids will be affected for sure and I know they will understand too...ANyway, it's time to love and forgive and if possible to fix the problem, then it's not too late to do it now![/i]
1 person likes this
@rafona (2)
• India
11 Dec 08
hai dear. leave your ego and talk 2 ur hus... life must go on.. so go soon and talk and let ur misunderstandg go away and lead a happy life with your family.. good luck.. ve a nice christmas
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Dec 08
Wow that is a tough one. If this is the best thing for you then asking him to come back for the holidays is not goint to patch things up. I think if there is underlying tension between you two the kids will see it. They are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. I am sorry that this has happened at the Holidays. It won't be easy but if you talk to your kids and they understand it will be ok. Just try to not lay blame on either of you. It is my thought that this messes kids up even more than having their Mom and Dad split up. Keep it neutral and let them know you both feel bad about it. Sometimes these things happen, Now I realize I have no idea how old your children are. If babies they won't understand, if a little older they will. Maybe he will come back to spend Christmas Day with them. I wish you well.
@wheel416 (1019)
• Canada
10 Dec 08
OK, my first piece of advice for you is to tell to stop, take a deep breath and just breathe. I don't mean that to sound condescending, but, when I'm involved in a highly emotionally charged situation I can't think clearly because I'm so full of feelings. It may sound counterproductive but, sometimes the best thing you can do in a moment is stop and do nothing. Give yourself a little bit of time to sift through the problem emotionally. Then start to consider your options for making a plan. Sometimes if I act before I think through a complex situation such as this, it often makes the situation worse because I haven't thought through all of the consequences. As for your children, you know them best. Chances are you'll not scar them for life. I think that children will be OK with almost anything as long as they know that each of their parents love them and want what's best for them. As long as both you and your partner are clear with the kids that it is not their fault that you and dad are having problems they should be able to get through whatever happens. Give yourself time to sort through your options and decide what is best. In the meantime, ensure that you and your partner do not argue in front of the kids and make sure that you reassure them you both love them no matter what happens to your relationship. Life is not an easy thing to maneuver sometimes!
@johndur (3049)
• Pasig, Philippines
15 Dec 08
if he has left for good,let him comeback by himself and dont try to negotiate with him.let him learn from his mistakes or from somebody else's mistakes.you failed to tell us what is his reason for leaving you.never the less he shouldnt have left without telling his kids the reason why he left them.your kids life wont be screwed from that situation you got them but it will make them more strong in life and would probably choose the best partner not like their father....
@thetis (20)
• Greece
11 Dec 08
Ok, such things do happen but this doesn't mean that children will suffer any damage. The recent events demand for careful decisions. So, take your time. Personally I'd talk to him just as to smooth things and give us time to do the serious discussion later. If I was in your shoes I 'd probably take the family out and ask him to loin later on. Public places usually help circumstances like this one. And if you relax there is a good chance to have a really good time:) To continue.. if I was the one to leave the house because living together is too hard to deal with, I probably try to find some space near my famuly so the children could easily reach me and have the chance to work things out with them and explain the new facts. I 'd also choose to visit the house as often as possibe as to keep a sense of stability. Living seperately is a tricky thing. But you'll get over it and probably your children will be the ones that will face the situation more mature. And dont forget that often hard times are not always at our expense. Lots of times it's just the necessary step for us to make a huge improvement;)
@JCanham (20)
• United States
11 Dec 08
I just recently finished a class in college on Interpersonal Comunnication. One of the main things our professor told us was to never give advice. While I'm sure that your situation has gotten to the point of frustration, asking for help online is quite probably the worst aproach you could take at this juncture. Most of the responces you will get will range from heart felt advice to pure stupidity. So, instead of dishing out advice, I'm going to pass on a small bit of knowledge that I gleaned from my class. First, conflict is inevitable. I know that sounds a bit silly, but I'm sure you've heard the saying that you can't please everyone. The next is you control your own emotions. We're very found of saying things like "you make me so mad" or "Becuase of what you did I'm depressed." Anything we think or feel is because we let it effect us. In the end, it's really up to you to decide what you think is best for not only your children, but for yourself. We all need a shoulder to cry on from time to time, but it really is up to you. As far as your children being emotionally affected by this, of course they are. How could they not be unless they're mentally deficiant? But are they screwed for life? Noone on this rock could give you that answer. My parents fought constantly and even went through a period of legal seperation, yet I'd like to think I came out just fine. I think it's noble as a grape that you are concerned about their well being, but try and remember that humans are a highley adaptable species. It's our one saving grace. We have the ability to bounce back from a all kinds trama, be it physical or mental. Since this responce is begining to get a bit lengthy, I'm going to leave of with something my mom used to tell me when I thought things couldn't get any worse. This too shall pass.
@rizzu87 (860)
• Malaysia
11 Dec 08
well i think you guys have kids who would always think bad about the two of you having such kinds of problems.. I think there are problems in almost tall the relationships but i getting separated is not the only solution. If you apologize to your husband that will not harm anyone. It will make your life and relationship better. These types of problems will only negatively affect your life, there will be nothing good about.. i hope you make everything good with him.... be happy