What do you think is better: Search your partner on your own or by your parents?

@cornyman (1128)
Germany
January 7, 2009 11:57am CST
Hello members of myLot, as we all know we are a global social network community. In many countries there are some circumstances that persons are not allowed to look for their own partners which they can marry in the future. The parents or relatives will look for a "suitable" partner. I believe mostly it's about - the status or - money of the partner - not that often the personality of the person. In the most western country this method has changed since around 200 or 300 years (Yes, we had the same things in the past, too :-) ). Usually we can look for ourselves for a partner and stick with him our own life. For me, the advantage of decide myself for a partner is - i can look how this persons act in every field of the life before i decide to marry her - i get known to the family background on my own - i have usually more time to decide if i want to marry this person. [b]What do you think is better? Searching your partner on your own - or by your parents/relatives? And why do you think "your" way is the better way for a happy marriage?[/b]
6 people like this
43 responses
@savypat (20216)
• United States
7 Jan 09
I don't know which is best, do you know if marriages from one system last longer then marriages from another?
@cornyman (1128)
• Germany
8 Jan 09
Hello savypat, i believe it's not about how long it is lasting because there are a lot of other things that could happen during the times. For me it's more about how you would feel if your parents select another person for you to live together for the rest of your life or if you feel more comfortable to choose the partner of your life on your own. I rather look for one on my own and made perhaps a wrong decision, so i'm the one to blame. Otherwise i could blame my parents of how much time i wasted because of their decision to select a woman for me. What do you think?
• Mauritius
8 Jan 09
well it depends on the compatibility between the two persons.. many times we can see that love marriages failed whereas arranged ones are successful and vice-versa!!!to be honest i guess both can last long if the two lives well together
1 person likes this
@glords (2614)
• United States
7 Jan 09
Well, since I looked and found my own partner of course I am a fan of my own choice, however, I have known people who were in arranged marriages and they seem to be very happy. I think that sometimes parents can make a wiser decision about your mate then you can. After all they aren't binding you to someone based on hormones. They are making a logical decision based on similarities. They know when they pick a mate for their child what kind of family and upbringing they've had. They know that they have a similar culture, and similar religion. They calculate in how much stability that person can provide. They make all of these decisions out of love for their child, instead of lust. That has to be a good thing. I've known plenty of girls who have let themselves be swept away by lust, and married abusive deadbeats, but I don't know any girl in an arranged marriage like that. Of course this may be bias, since I've only known 3 girls in arranged marriages, but 3 out of 3 happy marriages is good.
2 people like this
• Mauritius
8 Jan 09
yup i really think that parents make better decisions because there was one time when my sister used to bring her friends at home and my parents happened to like one of them so they told me to date her!! and today after 2 years we are still together :)
1 person likes this
@cornyman (1128)
• Germany
8 Jan 09
Hello glords, i know that this topic can get very controversial. I go into this discussion very open-minded because i have only the experience from the television and some news reports in magazines or from books/movie (true stories) about the arranged marriage. The other part of my opinion about arranged marriage is how i think personally about it because from the german point of view it's not popular. Only if you look to the kings/queens and princess/prince in Europe, you can see that many of them marry within this scheme, too. Let's take for example Prince Charles and Lady Diana, seems to be an arranged marriage with not that much luck in it. As we know afterwards that he was in love with Camilla and not directly with Diana. Another point is if you really wait and don't practice the lust until marriage i would decide on my own with whom i want to stay together. Because my parents don't know my whole character or the characters of the woman they want to choose because (for me) they have to study this woman many months or years to get known to her temper, the good and bad sides of her personality.
7 Jan 09
Hi cornyman, You sound as though yuou are looking for property, someon with money and good background, don't you look for love? wether or not the person got money. If the parents or relative look for a person for you to marry, what if that person beat the hell out of you, do you stay with that person to save face. I don't think I could do that, I marry for love, I would look for my own partner in life, with or without money. Tamara
@cornyman (1128)
• Germany
9 Jan 09
Hello tamara, ok, that was my "fault". I didn't mean that i look for property, money or good background. I just think if parents decide they might look more for this sign in another person than in his characteristics. My wife is a student, so you can guess how rich she might be :-) But i look for a solid background on which we can build up our combined future like everyone else. Sure if someone beats me or cheats all the time on me before such an arranged marriage i would try to escape from it, no matter how hard it would be to find someone else or if i would even get a penalty from the family. Have a good time!
@shanemre (357)
• Saudi Arabia
7 Jan 09
I think that letting your parents decide on the selection of your partner in life, wirll not do you any good. I do not take away the fact that no parent will want something that is bad for their children. But most of the time, the person you want is not the person they like for you.If you end up with a person that you did not choose for yourself... I guarantee that you will not be happy. I experienced this before... For the love of my parents, I had a boyfriend, which I totally don't love... we lasted for 2 years... but you know what... it didnt work... because I know in my heart that I dont feel the same way. He is nice, his family loves me too much... but then, at the time when I am feeling that things will become more complicated to deal with, if I wont make it clear with him... I took the chance... then, I told him how I exactly feel about everything... It would be better to end it up... than live our whole lives without true love there... It's your life... it should be your own decision and the circumstances will be yours too. You will be the one living with the partner... not them...
2 people like this
@cornyman (1128)
• Germany
9 Jan 09
Hello shanemre, ok, something like this is also on my mind. On the one side i could arrange myself with this person after many months or perhaps even years and accept his characteristics or i had to give up because the inside things of my partner are not acceptable. Why should i blame someone for this "best choice" when i can search on my own? One question will be what will the family members do in such a break-up situation, blame you, blame the other person or pushing you out of the family, even killing you (this is rare but happened in Germany in some of these families, too) because you didn't follow their tradition and rules? What happened in your case?
@suman2008 (683)
• India
8 Jan 09
I think search for a partner by my own is the best way.Becoz the person with whom I am going to spend my rest of life must be known to me beforehand.I must spend ample time with that person.if both of us agreed to spend the life together then a marriage can be made.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
8 Jan 09
I guess we are the one's who need to choose who to love because its not our parents who will suffer if we're not happy with the person we'll be with forever. . . money cannot bring the TRUE happiness and love we always dreamed of.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
12 Jan 09
It would perhaps be better if the partner is choosen by us, instead of our parents. We can always take our parents into confidence about our choice. It would be better to take the advice of elders on this issue, because they are more experienced than us and there is 'no substitute for experience'. We need to be very cautious and not carried away by our emotions, while selecting a partner.
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
8 Jan 09
hello cornyman, In my own opinion and base from my experience, I prefer to find a partner of my own rather than my parents. Indeed, parents intention are for our own good and that they like us to have a better life. But despite of that, they're not the one who will live with her/him for the rest of my life. And for this, I myself will suffer the consequences. They say, that you can learn to love her/him but what if it will not work for me? Our married life will be at stake. My mother herself choose someone in our place that she likes me to be married with because her family is in abroad so have a lot of chances of going there too. But I don't like her. After finishing my studies and was able to have a job, I met my wife in the company I've been working. We started as friends, fall in love and got married. We're blessed with three children. Though our married life is not that perfect, I have no regrets about it. In fact, I'm so happy I chose her. Given a chance of getting married again, I will still select my wife.
@chevill (316)
• Philippines
8 Jan 09
I will search and choose on my own. Im the one who will be with my partner for a lifetime and not my parents that' why it is important that i will be the one who will look for and choose who should be the one for me. I know that the parents will not wish any harmful things but all of the best for their children, as of now im a parent already by 1 girl, mother's know best but when it comes to heart matters involve i think it should be decided by the one who has the heart that feels the said "magic". The love! There's should be the spark, the attraction to the one who we like and not by just because he is chosen by the parents, for sure he will be the best man for me too, I dont think so! I will choose for my own and in case i was wrong i can't blame my parents but I will only blame myself. if I will obey them for the one they like for me and then it turned to a wrong man, do i have the right to blame them? I dont think so. . .
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
10 Jan 09
of course I'll be the one to choose but still better if I have the approval or blessings of my parents. As sometimes when we fell in love we can't see the bad traits of our loved one everything seem to be good, others can see everything. Oh yes we can decide for ourselves but what's wrong if we listen to our parents so we can advise parties concerned to change example attitude or gestures or ways of living or getting along at least he would do improvements before you get married.
• India
12 Jan 09
Hello my friend cornyman Ji, We are now married since 02 Dec' 1969, and living together, we both were asked by our parents and elders, my hubby refused to see or even talk before our marriage, he always believed, what parents would think, would do the best. I think, one will agree that our married life is quite matured. In our country, there are 32 abilities to be matched as per horoscope and both sides see to it. In simple language God has created and our behaviour comes from our genes, now we all belong to particular families, it matches thetre. Social stautus/education/family life and other details are later on. I do not understand, how it is possible to find out earlier, if present system would have been fool-proof, there woiuld not have been any Divorce. So i like arranged marriages by elders/parents only. may god bless you and have a great time.
@kttribal (252)
• United States
11 Jan 09
I just dont want someone to tell me who i can be with. I dont even look at the person if someone else is trying to hook me up. that is unless i asked them to get us together.
• China
12 Jan 09
In here, we can find in the same camp person through global network, I hope all make friends more and have a good life in here.
@gunagohan (3414)
• India
12 Jan 09
hi, to lead a happy life, we should follow only our parents...99% of parents in this universe wants their child to live happily...so we should allow our parents to chose our life partner and this will be better
@ganak8 (173)
• India
12 Jan 09
It all depends upon how you go about with the relationship.When you find your partner on your own there might be some deeper understanding but when both of you split with each other your parents wont help you in that regard since it is the relationship choosen by you
@nilzerous1 (2434)
• India
9 Jan 09
I am rather confused in this regard. Although I think it is always better to choose your life partner yourself but in a rather orthodox civilization like ours it is also not that easy. You are bound to face opposition from every corner once you start dating! And so, may be for those, who do not like to take extra trouble - relying on their parents is a better option. Cheers!!!
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
10 Jan 09
I will choose my own partner. My parents might introduce me to them, although I doubt it. I feel like I'm sleeping with person they're not. So, it my decision. I think self selecting your partner is important for future happiness, you know what matters most in terms of characteristics to you; they don't.
@rsa101 (37981)
• Philippines
9 Jan 09
When getting married I guess it is best that you are the one to find it than depend on what your family would dictate because it is you who we are talking about. I guess family can dictate/influence our lives but when it comes to the heart it is you who can really decide where you will find your true love and happiness in the process.
@MZKUMA (705)
• United States
10 Jan 09
Being that's what their accustomed to, it may not be an issue. For me being born and raised in the US, I would never reach the alter to marry someone they chose for me. He'd be left standing at the alter. Ever notice how the guy/girl your parents liked were the very ones you did not want to give the time of day. Then when you're grown, that guy was not such a bad catch at all. You just failed to see anything of interest when we are young teens because we really don't know what's really important. I would wait until I was done with college if I had to do it all over again, still choosing my own partner.
@flojever (404)
• Philippines
11 Jan 09
Hi Cornyman. Where I live, arranged marriage is no longer practiced. Lucky for us new generations. My grandparents were not so fortunate. I'd rather search for my own partner. I'd know if he's the right guy for me. Parents should know better, still I'm the one who's getting married, I should know if I'll be happy with someone. Besides, should my marriage fail, I have only myself to blame not them.
@siomaiii (238)
• Philippines
11 Jan 09
I think, its my choice on whom to share the rest of my life with, but with my parents consent. Isn't it great that your happy with you life being with your partner and at the same time, your parents are happy for you? It is really different when relationship especially marriage have blessings from the parents.