Toxic families--how would you deal with this?
By dragon54u
@dragon54u (31636)
United States
January 8, 2009 11:36pm CST
My brother married a wonderful, vibrant and intelligent girl in 1972. Unfortunately, she wanted to settle in her family's home state of Arizona, and she's been under their influence ever since. She's gone from a happy, healthy size 8 to over 400 pounds confined to a hospital bed in the living room of their home. Her mother constantly belittles her. When she got her LPN nursing degree while raising a formerly wonderful child, her mother told h%er she was stupid, why not get the higher (RPN) degree. Her mom told her she was stupid and useless. Her mom kicked her out when she was 14, when my brother found her and waited till she was 18 to marry her. Her mom drove her husband to suicide and her son to financial ruin trying to be good enough, her second daughter to 3 marriages trying to please her mother.
Now my sister in law is close to passing from this life. I want to say to her mother at the funeral "I'm sorry you lost your main scapegoat, I guess you'll have to sacrifice one of your favorites". I know that is small and I know that it's petty but that tormented woman has affected tens of lives with her hatred. I just want to slap her till she falls down, and then kick her till her head explodes.
I love my sister in law, and I'm sad that she's come to what she is, an unhappy woman whose mother tells her she's married to a bum (even though their household is debt-free, thriving, and my brother's wife lacks for nothing), she'll never be as good as her brother or sister and that her father was a good for nothing drunk--probably due to marrying my sister in law's mother!!Help me think of things to say that convey my feelings and yet don't make me look like the miserable, hateful human being that I am. That woman was a more than a witch, she is evil to the core and has destroyed so many lives, my brother's daughter among them. 
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's b1 person likes this
7 responses
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
9 Jan 09
How sad that your brother and sister-in-law didn't start and continue their married life in New Hampshire or Rhode Island someplace like that - as far away from her nasty Mother as they could get. I would not be able to keep my big mouth shut if I had the opportunity to tell her Mother a few nasty home truths. Maybe it isn't too late to give you sister-in-law a little peace. Have your brother get her Mother barred from either calling her or visiting her in the hospital. Talk to your brothers daughter and try and keep her nasty grand-mother from using her like she did her own daughter. This woman needs to die alone and miserable and I hope God forgives me for thinking that way about someone I don't even know.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
9 Jan 09
She will undoubtedly die alone and miserable. She's a very, very sick woman and must've been raised that way herself. My brother wanted to live in another state but his wife wouldn't hear of it, I guess she was always hoping for the love she never got from her wicked mother.
@annjilena (5618)
• United States
10 Jan 09
hi dragon i feel your sister-in-laws pain my father mentally abused me when i was younger to the point at one time i felt the world would be better without me.i ran away and i never listen to his abuse again i been out my parents house now 36 years i finally forgave him but for years i had nightmares from all the beating and mental abuse but i survived and i forgave and i still have respect for my parents who are now 76 years old.your sister in law oh my god she deserve so much and god will care for her now i feel your love you have for her.if you can find in your heart to forgive for the sake of your sister-in-law god said vengance is mine so god will handle this evil person she is sleeping at night because she don,t care that why i asked you to forgive her so you can sleep at night.my prays will be with you and your sister-in-law and her mother.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
10 Jan 09
I know that forgiveness is best, but when I see how this woman has destroyed her daughter with no remorse it is very hard for me to consider forgiving her. I try to remember that she is a very sick person and was probably raised the same way.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
9 Jan 09
I am sorry to hear your sister in law's story. It is awful what a negative influence in your life can lead you too. I really hope that things were different for her and that someone could have helped her quite a long time ago because now things seem to have gone beyond the limit.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
9 Jan 09
Yes, she's far beyond any help now. It's so scary what parents can do to a child, isn't it? They can mess them up so badly that they'll never be able to help themselves. She was such a sweet young girl, I still love her.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
10 Jan 09
Sadly for her it just may be too late. She definitely needs to cut off contact with her family because that is truly the only way that poor woman will get any help and can recover.
I think a lot of families are like that and pick on the ones that aren't good enough for them. It happens in my family really. I see it quite often cause I have to live with it.
You just have to be better than the person that is doing all the belittling. Make them see that it doesn't bother you and that you're not going to deal with how they treat you. Standing up to the person and putting them in their place is usually enough to get them to stop and leave you alone. Sometimes though it just means they go and pick on someone else.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
10 Jan 09
I wish she had moved away from her family like my brother tried to make her do early in their marriage. But she wouldn't, always hoping that she would be accepted and loved by that monster that gave her birth.
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
9 Jan 09
Sounds like your brother's MIL needs some therapy, STAT.
My mom is quite toxic, as well, and unfortunately, will probably end up a very lonely woman one day once she's alienated everyone who cares about her. So honestly, coming from much the same background as your SIL, I don't know what to say other than to get out if she can.
It's too bad that it's often those closest to us who hurt us the most. And with families, it's twice as difficult, because if you get rid of them, you can't just make more, like you can with friends, or marry another, like you can with spouses.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
9 Jan 09
Thanks for listening, it helped ease my mind just to share it with someone.
@Fortunata (1135)
• United States
9 Jan 09
This woman definitely is mentally ill. I don't even think I would waste my breath telling her off. I'm sorry your brother and niece have had to put up with this woman, and hopefully they can get away from her. That's the best thing, to get away from her, or get her out of the house. Throw her out like trash. No, your sister in law will never be good enough for her. My Mom was never good enough for her mother, either. It doesn't matter what they do, or say, or hand them on a silver platter. They still treat them like crap. I watched my mother try and try to please her mother, and she never could. The best thing you can do is support your brother and niece. Unfortunately it sounds like it's too late for your sister in law. Mental illness is such a horrible thing. God Bless you.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
10 Jan 09
Thank you so much for your support and good wishes! My mom is staying there now and gives them all three all the emotional support she can. My sister in law mentioned once that my mom was weird, she never criticized her and she never heard her yell at us four kids. That was a long time ago when she said that. She's receiving some motherly love now, too bad it's not her own mother. Thank you again for your concern!
@Pleiades (846)
• United States
9 Jan 09
Wow, I don't really know what to say in your discussion. I suppose I can tell you to keep your head up. Be strong, for your sister in law's sake. She's coming to the end of her life, let her be at peace. As for that mother, leave her be. She's suffering a loss too...she's going to have to burry her child, and we all know that no parent should have to go through that.
That was the nice me saying that.
The real life person would tell you to go and speak your mind, but there's a time and place. Yes, I know what you're talking about, the whole talking down and stuff like that. I've been married to three men like that and I don't stand for it any more. But, you know what? After I left the men, they married again and became a better husband and father. Was it me or did they need their scapegoat to be free so they can grow up, finally? Who knows.
*Pleiades
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
9 Jan 09
It's strange you should say that--my husband divorced me and married his high school girlfriend and their marriage is very happy, whereas ours was not. Maybe we are attracted to the wrong kind of man?
Sometimes I get frantic about problems that usually don't bother me, probably because I don't confront them when I should. This thing with my sister in law has been going on for some time and I guess I'd better deal with it head on-then I won't have these spells of frantic worry. Thanks for your kind words.
