Newborns

United States
January 23, 2009 12:42am CST
I recently gave birth to a beautifull baby boy =). This being my first child i am sensitive to his needs. So when he crys i make sure to pick him and find out what he needs. Now my child isn't even two weeks old. My thought process is telling me to not let him cry but my husband sits there and says that we should let him cry every now and again how ever every time i check him when he does cry there is something he needs either he needs to be changed or fed and of course there are times when he just needs to be loved. It was rather funny cause while in the hospital the nurses even said you CAN'T spoil a newborn you just have to give them what they need. But my husband thinks im spoiling him by making sure he gets everything he needs. I understand that once my child does get a little older that he will be aware of what he is doing but right now he isn't and sometimes when he is crying he is basically saying mommy daddy i want you to love me right now how can i say no to that? How where you with your newborn children? Could you ever just LET them cry?
12 people like this
47 responses
@deejean06 (1952)
• United States
23 Jan 09
I know it's difficult to let a newborn cry. It seems their little voice just goes right through you. I don't think you're doing anything wrong by tending to the boy's needs - after all the crying is the only thing that he knows to do to let you know what he needs. You're not spoiling the child. However, there are also times when he needs to sleep and sometimes they need to cry themselves to sleep. My son just didn't know how to sleep on his own without exhausting himself first. So we learned that by swaddling him it would make him fall asleep which he would desperately need. We also had a 10 minute rule. If he cried for 10 minutes then we would go in and check him. If his diaper was clean and he wasn't hungry then we would try to put him to bed again. I hope this helps you and you MUST remember that your instinct is better than anything!
2 people like this
@cornyman (1128)
• Germany
25 Jan 09
Hello deejean06, i like your answer, it is so funny when i imagine what you wrote in the second sentence. Why is this voice or the cry made like this that it goes right through you, imagine it would be a cry that sounds like a melody. Nobody would care about the little baby because it sounds so nice . Overall very good advice, a fat "+" for you!
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 09
thank you you are the first one to say my instinct is better than anything i really appreciate that
1 person likes this
@deejean06 (1952)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Congratulations! and you're welcome! It sounds like you only have the best in mind for the baby and that's all you can do.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Jan 09
This is a classical debate. There seems to be two main sides and a middle. I always tended to be in the middle. I don't think it is a good idea to leave a newborn crying. Most of the time they are crying for a reason and they haven't yet learned that they can manipulate you with their cries. There is one exception to this rule (in my opinion). If your baby is crying and crying and you have tried everything and you need a break because you are getting stressed then it is okay to put the child down and go take a mommy "time out". For me this started happening when my son was about two months old (some don't count on that as a newborn). He was really fussy and colicky. Sometimes I could handle it and just cuddle him for hours while he cried and other times I had to put him down in a safe spot and go take a few minutes to myself. But that is rather a different issue then you are talking about here. As your child gets older it is my belief that they will use their crying to manipulate you and that if you jump up and rush to them all the time it will get harder as they get older. However a two week old doesn't fall into this category. Give it a few months! I would just tell your husband how you feel and remind him that you aren't asking him to jump up. Let him know that as a mother you feel the call when your baby cries. My son is 2 1/2 and I still have a hard time hearing him cry (even when he is throwing a temper tantrum and trying to use his cries to get what he wants). My husband has no problem with it. I think it is just the difference between moms and dads and we get a balance when we have a good family relationship with both of them!
2 people like this
• United States
23 Jan 09
This is often the case. Dads just work different then moms and its okay. He will always do things that make you shake your head and wonder where his brain is...but even good dads do this. My husband is a good dad and is wonderful with our son, but I can still get up on a Saturday that he has let me sleep in to find that he played his video game all morning (which Marcus loves watching), they had brownies for breakfast, and before we were potty training it was common that Dad would forget to change his diaper. The care part isn't in their brains as much. It will all work out and give him time to get used to being a dad...after all, you have been taking care of the baby for months and he has only had two weeks!
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 09
well i would give him a break but he has two older children from a previous marriage. No excuses lol
• United States
23 Jan 09
thank you, yes i can understand taking a "mommy break" if he were to cry a lot but he doesn't he actually is a very good baby, i just think sometimes my husband isn't as attentive to his needs as i am
@vanities (11397)
• Davao, Philippines
24 Jan 09
hi stardust...its a normal reaction for newly born child to cry every now and then...im very attentive to my newly born...wanna make sure that the baby is not hungry or wet..crying for newborns means there's something that makes them uncomfortable and as a mom its our job to find out...as the baby grows older you will know when is the time that she needs merely an attention to us ...just be observant i guess..
• United States
24 Jan 09
Congrats! Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting! I have 5 children ages 16, 12, 4 1/2 yr old twins and a 3 yr old. I consider myself to have some experiance. Before the age of six months, babies have no idea that if they cry they will get a response! DO not let him cry for extended periods! If he if he is crying, he NEEDS something! He has no other way to communicate AT ALL! He cant tell you his belly hurts or hes hungry or hes wet and uncomfortable. You need to make sure all his basic needs are met and then if hes a little fussy I believe its ok to let him fuss for a few minutes, but never let him cry at this age. You cannot spoil him at this age! Men always seem to think they know whats best, but they do not have maternal instinct, they did not carry them around for 9 long months and they are not intune to what their baby needs like a mother is! So good luck, nap when you can and hold him as much as you possibly can...they grow up entirely too fast and you will have missed out on that beautiful bonding that happens at this age!
2 people like this
@vogelvrij (196)
• Netherlands
24 Jan 09
I remember my newborn-time with our son so well. I just know what you mean! The first time our son started to cry a lot, we where having a meal at the hospital. We smiled to each other, so this is it, he cries when we are trying to eat... We even turned our backs towards the crib he was lying in. After we have finished our meal, what was difficult to enjoy with all the crying out loud, we picked up our son, now we had time for him. And, guess what? We where forgotten to change his diaper after he has had his food. We felt truly silly by ignoring him for such a long time, thinking he was playing a trick with us already at that time.. From that time on I always picked him up when he was crying. Some people told me to let him cry, I felt the need to pick him up and check him if everything was just OK, maybe he needed a new diaper. And when everyting was checked out and nothing was missing, it was just a cry for our attention, he wants a hug from his mommy or daddy! So NEVER ignore your child, you are his basics he runs out from. The first three months with the newborn baby where difficult. Also because he was born with a ceasarian and I refused to get morfine to easy the pains of the surgery. And you are not used to be around with each other, he determins the time he wants his feedings or his sleepings, its not about you any longer. After three months I became a happy mother. I was recovered mostly from the surgery, our son has found out a certain rythm and things run more smoothly. So keep up the good spirit, and never forget to pick up your precious one when he cries!
• Canada
24 Jan 09
heck yes i let them cry. not all the time of course but they have to develop there lungs, and as a mother you will learn what the difference is between an i need you cry and an i just wantr your attention cry......my youngest was a crier and it was hard it still is and she is now 3 going on 4 and has her moments, but she sometimes still has to cry her self to sleep. my advice is if he has been changed, and feed and nothing is wrapped around any fingers or toes then letting him cry for a few minutes will not hurt him....but he is still very young, he probably isn't crying for long once being picked up.....still very young, but if you spoil him now watch out as he gets older congrats and good luck
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
24 Jan 09
If you have a 3 year old that is crying herself to sleep, there is something wrong. Have you taken her to a doctor? Have you tried holding her or rocking her? How much time do you spend with her? I'm not trying to attack you here, but your child is obviously in need of something, whether she's sick or just needs more love.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jan 09
i would have to agree with dragon on this one
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
24 Jan 09
Congratulations on your baby boy. From what I read your doing a wonderful job, once his needs are met. I say just lay him down or place him in a swing where he can see you and your husband. My first was a cryer, she would cry, I believe just to hear herself cry. I couldn't take a shower with her near by without her crying. I would have to do it while she slept and had to do it quietly. With my last, she was so easy, when she cried it was very quiet like. She didn't grow into her lungs until a little later, meaning her cries got louder. Swings today are so cool it's not even funny. The one I had 6 years ago, was my lifesaver, I had the seat at the lowest and put my daughter in it. She was tiny at 5 lbs, so I didn't have to worry about her falling out. Not even two weeks old, I would only lay him down when he's sleeping. If he's feed and has a dry diaper on and not fussy. Place him in a swing or a pack n play where he can see or hear you and let him be. Tell your husband that every single mother in this world will agree with you, you can't spoil a newborn. If something happened and he was removed from his safety zone, wouldn't he want to be around the one person he feels safe with. Your his mom, you know his needs better than anyone. Before you know it, you will be like oh that's his hungry cry, he's wet cry, I don't feel good cry, and so forth.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
25 Jan 09
This is the fun part of being a mom, everything is new. There where times that I sat down and asked myself, what the heck did I get myself into. I had to do everything myself basically, my husband was in the Navy and gone a lot. The first 6 months just go with the flow of things. Wait until you can do everything while holding your baby. It's easy to say your not sure of yourself now, you will be a pro before you know it.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 09
i hope so!!! Sometimes being a mother can be not only confusing and consuming but overwhelming and sometimes i find im not sure of myself.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 09
thank you!! now that a month has almost passed since i gave birth to him things have gotten a lot better i will be updating everyone in a new dicussion when saturday rolls around cause that will mark 1 month
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
24 Jan 09
I have two kids, both girls, and i've gone to many parenting classes and they say you cannot spoil a child under a year.. i say maybe under 9 months .. I think that your instincts are correct and you are doing a perfect job. . You can't let a newborn cry.. its proven that you can cause them trauma by doing it. if they cry a long time, it can even cause brain damage.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 09
now this is something i didn't know
1 person likes this
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
7 Feb 09
Not a problem, I think when it comes to our kids we should always listen to our instinct, your instinct is to not let him cry too long, i think your right ;)
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 09
thank you very much for this information it is greatly appreciated and i will be sharing this with my husband as well
@mflower2053 (3223)
• United States
23 Jun 09
I know this is kind of late but congratulations. Babies are so wonderful. People use to tell me all the time what I should and shouldn't do. I would tell them it would be me dealing with my baby so let me spoil them as much as I want. They grow up way too fast so you want to hold on to them for as long as you can.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 09
You know that although your comment is late to the discussion it is still appreciated. I really haven't been on here for the last six months due to work and then being a mother but even now my son being six months old i still can't seem to let him cry. Its hard it breaks my heart but there is a difference between hiim crying and him screaming and i wont give in to the screaming. Thanks for your input.
1 person likes this
@quinnkl (1667)
• United States
27 Jan 09
I am living proof (and so is my son) that the nurses were right. I grew up hearing that old claim, let them cry. They have to learn to go to sleep etc etc. When they are tiny babies they need security and love and to be held!! I held my baby when he needed it. When he would cry and wait to see if I would come (when he got older) I would let it happen a few times and then go in and say "hey, are you trying to trick your mommy?" and we would laugh about it. He was the happiest baby/toddler in the world. He slept through the night almost right away. And he is an intelligent, happy, empathetic, athletic, sports-loving young man at age 13!! LOVE THAT BABY!! (But sneak some love and attention in for daddy too!!)
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jan 09
lol thats great!! and my husband will love the last line of your comment =)
@kezabelle (2974)
26 Jan 09
You can not spoil a newborn in my opinion! If they cry at that age its because they need something and even if they are crying just because they want picking up well so what if thats what they need let them be picked up and cuddled!
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jan 09
thank you for your comment it is greatly appreciated
@mjmlagat (3170)
• Philippines
23 Jan 09
Hello there! Congratulations on your newborn baby! I do understand that you're just adjusting to the idea of being a new mom but don't be carried away by it. There's nothing wrong at all when your baby cries because normally they really do. You will be alarmed though if he cries unceasingly for an hour or so but if not, then let him cry once in a while. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@cornyman (1128)
• Germany
25 Jan 09
Hello mjmlagat, you're right. Letting the baby cry for some time (a minute or two) does not make anything worse. But as we all know, babies can't talk with us in normal language. They have the "cry language", so by letting it cry some time it can develop its "voice" (you can hear after some days/weeks different cries for different things, feeding, hugging, change of diaper and so on). Enjoy your time with the little one!
• United States
25 Jan 09
thank you!!
@messageme (2821)
• United States
29 Jan 09
It's actually heathy for the babies lungs if you let them cry. I am not saying just ignore him and let him cry, by all means, no! If he starts crying because he is hungry or needs changed let him come to a full cry before you tend to him, don't let it just be a little fuss. Oh the joys of being a mother!! Eventually before you realize it, you will notice he has different cries depending on what he needs. Mine right now has three defined cries....one is a hurt cry, one is a hungry cry and the other is I just want attention cry. Hang in there you have so much to learn!! One pointer I would like to give, I almost made the mistake with my first then someone let me in on it....When he is sleeping don't try to be quiet. I wouldn't make noise, vaccum, laundry nothing when he was sleeping because I didn't want to wake him....If you do this as they get older they will be very sensative sleepers and will wake to any noise get him use to noise when he sleeps and he could sleep through anything! Good Luck New mommy!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 09
thank you for that helpfull tip
@tbmorris1 (158)
• United States
24 Jan 09
I think you are doing everything exactly as you should. At the newborn stage, they cry because they need something not because they want to manipulate you into holding them all night. My daughter was needy as a newborn. She wanted to be near me all the time, so I did the only thing I could at the time and brought her into bed with us. I nursed her to sleep every night until around 10.5 months and kept her in our bed until she was a year old. It was at that point that I broke that pattern. At that age, I knew she was just crying because she was use to the old ways and I had to let her cry. Now she is sleeping in her own room every night. I'm a SAHM and as the primary caretaker I told my husband early on that he didn't have a choice about me bringing her into bed with us. We had said BEFORE having her that we wouldn't do it, but I found out quick that it was the only way I was going to get any sleep and by gosh I was going to take that opportunity!! I chose to go that route and I broke the pattern, so he wasn't allowed to complain!! :P Good luck, I hope he comes around!! Or just tell him you will spoil him now and break it later, no big deal!! ;)
• United States
25 Jan 09
My husband has actually been very great. We also stated we wouldn't bring the baby into bed with us however that has changed cause once the baby wakes up at night and i change and feed him i take him back to bed with us and let him sleep in my arms makes ME feel a ton better and the baby actually sleeps alot better i have noticed
@kaka135 (14921)
• Malaysia
23 Jan 09
Congratulations on your newborn baby. I can understand how excited and grateful you are. Well, I am expecting my baby to be born next month too, it's my first baby too. Yeah, I have heard that we shouldn't spoil the newborn baby, otherwise it's difficult for you to teach him later. Even though they are still very young, they actually do know things. If they know whenever they cry, and you'll attend them shortly, then they will always do it again, no matter whether they really need you or not. I am not sure if I can really not spoiling my child, I understand it's hard to let your baby cry, but I also don't want to spoil them, as it's not good for them too. Happy taking care of your baby.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 09
well i will have one spoiled newborn then....lol
• United States
24 Jan 09
Congratulations! What a wonderful experience you're going through! With the birth both of my children, I received the same advice: a baby can only communicate through crying, so it is up to the parents to try to figure out the problem. What's most telling about that is I had a different doctor for each of my children and they both told me the same thing. Their father was upset to hear that because he believes that baby needs to learn to be independent and cry it out from the very beginning. I disagree. It would be like me ignoring him every time he tried to communicate with me . . . how well would THAT go over?
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 09
exactly i think i will bring that up with my husband tonight lol see how he responds to that one of course that may start another discussion for me to start on mylot =)
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Congratulations! My son is 6 weeks old, and my second child. And I have a very hard time letting either of my kids cry. I can't take it. Breaks my heart actually. So I usually try not to let it go on for a few minutes. Like if I have to go to the bathroom. Otherwise my hubby or myself attend to the needs of both of them.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 09
im very bad lol as well with our son. Last night my husband got really upset with me because i had an extreme migraine and was in a lot of pain but our son was crying and i wanted to take care of him but it wouldn't have done me any good so my husband took care of him while i came upstairs and went to sleep to try and get rid of the migraine
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
24 Jan 09
A child is one big delight in a family. I am happy for you dear! Congratulations! I don't blame you if you would not want your child to be left crying. I was also like you when my son was newborn. The infant is so fragile that we mothers would not want to see him crying. Crying is actually a way of the infant to see attention and comfort so it is alright to attend to his needs. I don't think that is a way of spoiling him. He maybe hungry and need some feeding. He maybe cold and needs some warmth. He maybe not feeling good so he needs some relief. He maybe wet and he needs some change. I don't think mothers are spoiling their child if they become attentive. In fact I believe a child who has been given enough attention will grow up a happy and confident child. I was a very attentive and caring Mom to my only son from the time he was born till he grows up but my son never get spoiled as I also do the necessary discipline
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jan 09
great comment. I believe as well that with necessary discipline that my son will not be spoiled i love him and want to show him all the love that i can give him before he gets to much older and doesn't want me kissing on him lol
@hdjohnson (2981)
• United States
26 Jan 09
LoL ~ Forgive me for laughing because, my wife and I went through the same thing when we had our children. I much like your husband encouraged her to allow our little people to cry a while and let the baby develop it's lungs some. My wife didn't understand why I said what I said to her. She didn't understand why I would allow our kids to cry a little longer than she would either. I learned from her that if the baby would cry, to check if he/she was hungry, needed a diaper change, etc... But once I knew that I had done all of those things, that I wouldn't necessarily drop everything and pick the baby up. I didn't spend time hold all three of my children, I just didn't spend a lot of time picking them up just because they cried.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 09
Whenever youhear a baby cry , you need to see what is wrong with them. That is their way of communicating that something is wrong . Whether it be a wet diaper, Being hungry , Or just not feeling well. And at 2 weeks old your baby is going to be hungry and wet quite often . So go with your motherly instincts and take care of your baby . At only 2 weeks old , you are not spoiling him, you are taking care of his needs. Cheryl
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
25 Jan 09
But if he has just been fed, and changed and burped then he is crying for attention. Very quickly he will figure out that if he cries he gets picked up. It's important to let them cry so they know they won't always get there way. Parents today are too soft too often. Sure, cuddle your baby and massage him, spend time talking and singing to him but when you have tended to him and it's time for his nap...let him cry if he doesn't settle straight away.
1 person likes this