I need tips on how I can express my feelings so that he understands.

@Seppy1984 (2145)
United States
January 28, 2009 12:41pm CST
OK let's get started, both my hubby and I have a myspace account each. So each have our friends on our list that we grew up with and went to school with. With him he has tons of friends on his list that he went to college with. Then all of a sudden him and one of his female friends have been talking every day on the phone, which did not bother me at first until it got to where he started talking to her everyday on the phone for like 2 hours which left no time for me and him to talk. Which I of course feel hurt.. Then one day he went outside to talk to her so I was upset cause she is taking up all of his time to where my boys and I don't get enough family time with him. So I told him that it's not right that he does this to us because we should be the ones that he should worry about more. That is when he said that he does not need to worry about us because we are together in the same household. So I asked him what is that suppose to mean and he said that he needs to worry about his friend more. I told him no that it is not suppose to be that way because she is suppose to be just a friend and because I am his wife and the children are suppose to come first then me and so on but he kept insisting that she should be the to be worried about the most. Am I wrong for thinking like this? So I decided to check his messages between my hubby and her cause they talk on myspace a lot. What I found broke my heart so bad and I started crying. What I found was him and her telling each other I love you. I mean I had a funny feeling that there might have been something going on but I thought maybe I was just being paranoid. But when I saw that on their messages I was angry. So I asked him why "Are you telling each other I love you". He started with why are you reading my messages and then went to it's none of my business. I was like what None of my business. I told him that it was my business because it is my life that is being destroyed. So I told him that it is not fair that I don't have his whole heart like I should and that it is suppose to be me that should have his love and along with his children having his love. But he does not seem to listen or does not understand. I am in so much need of help. Please anyone who can help me help save my marriage it would be great because I love my hubby but I can't do all the saving the marriage my self. I would be so grateful for any help I can get. Happy Mylotting
5 responses
@tbmorris1 (158)
• United States
28 Jan 09
I'm sorry you're going through that. It's difficult, but you definitely need to sit down with him and have a long conversation about what's going on that caused him to turn to this woman, why he would do this to you and his kids. Is there any way you could go to marriage counseling together? Counseling is great even if you go individually or as a couple. I think it would be a great option if he can't give you any reasons as to why he would do this. Good luck, I hope things turn out okay.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
28 Jan 09
I have mentioned the marriage counseling but he brings up the whole issue of money and saying that he does not need a quake. I told him that I know a place right down the street that does marriage counseling for free and I think he is afraid of what will be said and that is why he also uses the quake thing as an excuse. But I will sit down with him again and try to tell what has been going on through my mind and hope he will choose the marriage counseling. I really wish I knew why he turned to her. I mean after almost 4 years of marriage and 2 beautiful children. But I am going to try this and see what happens. I hope things turn out okay too. Happy Mylotting.
• United States
28 Jan 09
If you can't convince him to go, then you could go alone first(if that's possible with the kids, I know how hard it can be to find a sitter). Someone there could help you find ways to talk with him that might get him to open up more. It's great that you have a place nearby that allows free visits. Tell your husband that they are just people who are trained in helping people cope with daily stress and life issues that some people can't handle alone. They're meant to be an objective point of view and they are certainly not there to judge you! Hope that helps!
1 person likes this
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
28 Jan 09
I would totally be for going by myself if I can't convince him to go. So I hope that this will help either way it goes. Thanks for the great tips and advice. Happy Mylotting
@luvandpower (2049)
• United States
28 Jan 09
You need to sit down with him, and just explain to us what you explained to him. Explain to him how you feel. There is no easy way to do this. You just have to express yourself and see how he feels afterward. If he truly cares about you he will do something.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
28 Jan 09
That makes sense, that is such a great tip here. I am usually good with writing more then talking so maybe that is why I never came up with that tip. Thanks I will do that. Happy Mylotting
@rmuxagirl (7559)
• United States
29 Jan 09
I agree sit down and tell him exactly what you told us. Express how you feel hit him if it helps cry do whatever it is that makes you feel better. Imean him saying she should be the one to worry about kinda gives off the impression that he was saying there was more than what he was saying.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
3 Feb 09
I did tell him everything that I told you all and he stated that there was nothing going on and she even said the same thing. So I gusse I will wait to see but so far nothing else has happened.
• Canada
7 Feb 09
Wow this is a hard situation to be in but My aunt recently went through this. If you feel he is not 100% only in love with you then you need sit down with him and plead with him to be honest with you. If he insists you are the only one he truly loves then suggest marriage counseling and try having him at least cut down the talk time with this other woman. If he does not want to hear any of it then I would say to prepare yourself for what my aunt went through. Her ex-hubby left the country and then shacked up with a woman he met online. He had been having online affairs for the last 8-10 years and in my opinion if a man can do that then he is not the one for his wife.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
11 Feb 09
You know is strange is that I did just what you said to do before you posted this. And guess what he realized that he was wrong for doing that. He and this chick has cut down to talking on the phone once a week instead of every day and they in fact only email each other about 5 times a week instead of about a good 20 times. We also sat down and told each other what we wanted from one another and we came to compromise. He asked that I stop reading his messages and I asked him to stop saying I love you to the person and to cut down on the talking to her. It has seemed to work very well. We don't fight no more in front of our children sense we had this talk and we also in fact spend more family time together. No computer for me on Tuesdays,Wednesdays,Fridays, and Sunday nights from 5-9 p.m. This has helped us so much I am so grateful that I got all the help that I need from using all of the advice that I got from everyone. As for Mondays,Thursdays, and Saturdays we do our own thing cause I am not a hard core wrestling fan like my hubby and son is. So they watch that on those 3 days together and I am typing away and making money. Thanks so much for your very much needed advice, it helped before you even knew it. You are such a great friend. Happy Mylotting
1 person likes this
• Canada
13 Feb 09
Your very welcome sweety. I am glad to hear that things are gettin gback on track for the 2 of you. (((Hugs)))
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
29 Jan 09
Oh Seppy my dear MyLot friend, My heart sinks for you. This is a really tough situation and I am devistated. I can imagine how you feel. You have written such a heart felt post, yearning for someone to spell the magic words in effort to make this all go away and be like it used to be. Truth is, you have already said the best thing you can. I would of done the same thing. Why is it that he feels that he has to worry about his friend more anyway? I am with you, you are his wife and you both have the boys. I know you love this man and that he loves you. From what has been said previous. Is this a case that he wants his cake and to eat it too? What is he thinking? That he can woo her and have you and the boys waiting at home as well? This angers me also Seppy. You are a dear lady and are worthy of much more than this type of thing to go down, ever. I am shocked. I am truly shocked. At the point it is at and because of his reaction to your legitimate questions, I would call his bluff. Be prepared for him to fall for it but then expect that he will likely come crawling back too. This guy needs to give his head a shake. You could tell him that if he wants to give this woman all his attention instead of to his wife, the woman he married and to his precious boys, if he wants to act like a teenager, dating again then there's the door. Don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out! Harsh? Yes, it is but so is what he has done and is doing to you. I would tell him that you want him to leave the house as long as he thinks he can carry on with this person as he is. Just leave. Move. Go be with her then because he isn't going to have both. Either you and him with the boys, without another woman on the side or he can Go and have her. One way or the other. Say you did this and he acted upon your request and moved out. Where would that leave you and the boys? Legally speaking. I am not sure. I mean if he were to act on your request, where would that leave you and the boys financially? I would not out up with it, I know that much. I'd be holding the door open for him. I would even help him pack his bags. Under no circumstances do I promote infidelity. Affairs of any kind. I realize that he has simply just been speaking with her but where does that leave you, when he leaves, to go to work etc? You sit there wondering if he is with her or sees her etc. Be honest. What he has done is unspeakable and frankly, I am beyond shocked that he would even consider this when he is married to you and has the boys he has committed to. I guess you could try the silent treatment. You could move out with the boys. Has he ever done anything like this before? After talking with you for as little of time as we have, I would guess not. We can sit back and just hope that one day he wakes up and says Oh My Gawd, what am I doing?! When one seeks outside the relationship/marriage it is because there is something void in the relationship itself. Relationships take two people to have one. It is a team effort. If two people are meant to be together they will be. If they are not they wont be. No matter how many children or whether they are married or not. I am saddened, I feel your pain and I am here for you. PM me anytime Seppy. How shattering this must be. You are right that you can not do all the saving of the relationship yourself. Remember, a womans intuition is alway right. Never second guess that small voice inside your solar plex. You're not paranoid. How can you express your feelings so that he understands? Show him how shocked that you are that he is even considering engaging in such a friendship with another woman when he is married and has children. As him What are you thinking? Do you really think you can carry on with this person, telling her that you love her and so on when you are already committed, without and repercussions? Ask him to take a moment to sit quietly and take a long look at his boys. Does he really want to do this? Ask him to imagine the impact it will have on their lives. Never mind his marriage. Hopefully he will give his head a shake and back off. Maybe then you both could attend some family counseling, together to help both of you get a deeper look into the marriage and see where any wrinkles maybe that could use some ironing out. No marriage is ever perfect. Counseling or rather mediation can be fun and eye opening, resulting in enriching the relationship and family structure as a whole. Contact Dr. Laura. You can call into her radio show, free. Here is her website. I always listen to her and she is straight up and give 110% logical advice. You'd love her! Here is her website: http://www.drlaura.com/main/ If he doesn't seem to be pulling back, I hate to suggest it but I would be contacting a good lawyer. I will keep you and your family in my nearest and dearest prayers. Leep us posted Seppy. Be good to you. *hug*
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
3 Feb 09
Hey, I did exactly what you told me to try. When I told him that he can go be with her if that is what really shoots his ladder and he said no that he did not want to leave me or the boys. So he finally realized that what they were doing was hurting me. They in fact don't talk much on the phone anymore and they also don't write much through email and if they do chat through email or phone it is only for like about 30 minutes now. So your advice worked. Thanks so much.
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
12 Mar 09
This is great news and thank you for your comment. You are welcome and I am pleased that the advice or rather point of view was useful! Awesome. I am happy to see this in the past and in you and the boys favor. Glad he came to his senses. Terrific news.
• United States
12 Mar 09
I have always been the one to be frank and upfront about things. But when it comes to my husband, I freeze up because somehow he has a way of making it all my fault when I am the one hurting. So, I started writing everything down. iving it to him to read. if he throws it away, then he obviously dont care about anything you have to say. If he reads it, have him write out how he feels so you can read it from his point of view. Somehow pen and paper is easier to get your feelings out for both sides then it is to speak. My heart goes out to you. Maybe you should ask him to leave until he figures out what he wants from your marriage as it seems you are giving your all and he wants more then that. If he leaves, then you know there is a bigger problem at hand. If he stays then he wants to work it out. Have you tried talking to the girl he's talking to and see what her point of view is? Not, yelling at her or cussing her out, but just let her know first hand that it hurts you how he is treating you because of her and that if she is any kind of woman at all she will back off and let him be the family man he was before her. Other then that, I dont know what to say. I mean, not to be rude but if he doesnt want to work it out then maybe its time to move on. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I know you dont know me but I have been married for 5 years to my childhood love, 3 kids and have been through a lot..lol..Even a situation like yours but it was reversed on me. I was the one reaching out to another man when my husband didnt give me any attention and treated me badly every day!! But, things got better, so thats why I can relate to you:) Keep your head up and dont let your kids see the frustration because they will turn to hate him and I dont know if you want that.