Worried about hubby.
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
January 30, 2009 8:48am CST
Most of you know much of the drama I've been dealing with from my in laws, and if you don't, then just ask, I'd love to go into it again 
Some of you also know that we're planning on moving very soon, which is a wonderful feeling. Already I'm at peace and feel less anger towards my in laws knowing that they'll soon have no hold or control over me anymore.
Now, my plan, once we move, is to not tell them where we're going, and not give them our phone number or anything. Most of you know, my MIL has an extremely annoying habit of just stopping over without calling first, and it drives me up the wall when she does so. This is part of why I don't want to give them the new address.
In all honesty, after everything they've put us through since day 1, I feel like I can just never ever even attempt to get along with them again. Anytime they're around I am just so extremely uncomfortable, and I can never seem to be polite with them, mostly because I remember all the cr@p they've pulled on us.
So I want them out of my life, and I don't want the kids around them either. They certainly don't care much for my kids, considering all the times MY KIDS have needed their help and they've told us no. And most of it wasn't like money or anything either. One time I just needed someone to help me, just be there to give me a break, and they couldn't even do that much. I was stressed and dealing with PPD and newborn twins, I just needed help, but MIL was too busy cleaning her house!
Plus I will say that sending my children to their house is not an option. They're house is disgusting, they have over a dozen cats, most go outdoors, none are healthy, and none are fixed. The smell is overwhelming, you notice it before you're even in the house. You can smell it on them even. It's awful, so for that reason I won't send my kids there.
Anyways, most of you knew all that. My problem is hubby. I know these are his parents, and I know he doesn't completely feel the same way I do. He's angry at them, yes, but in his heart, he hopes that my relationship with his parents can go back to the way it was for the first 6 months I was dating him. Back before I realized what kind of people they were, and actually tried to get along with them, and overlooked MIL's stupid comments (the very first time I was at her house she tried to convince me I should tie my son's left hand behind his back to force him to be right handed!)
I never told hubby that he can't communicate with his parents, but I did tell him they are not to have our phone number or address, and they are not to see me or the kids. He can call them, they can call him at work, they can visit him at work if he so chooses, but that's it.
But I worry this is going to cause further issues between me and him. I know that when they die, he's going to feel guilty for not having a better relationship with them, and I know that he's soon going to forget about everything they've done, and in his heart he'll blame me for all of this. He says he knows it's their fault, and he says he won't resent me for it, but I just don't believe him.
This is my decision. He's going along with it, true, he could fight me on it, and he has in the past, but this time he's more or less just going along with it. I think he realizes that I'm beyond fed up, and he's also a bit angry at them. But his anger towards them never lasts long. I know they're his parents and no matter what they do he'll still love them, he can't help that.
But what should I do? If I get my way, I'm hurting him (and possibly the kids too, they are too young to realize their grandparents are idiots, but they do realize I don't like their grandparents). If I don't get my way, I'm continuing to deal with the stress and frustration, which is not good or healthy for me.
What would you do?
Some of you also know that we're planning on moving very soon, which is a wonderful feeling. Already I'm at peace and feel less anger towards my in laws knowing that they'll soon have no hold or control over me anymore.
Now, my plan, once we move, is to not tell them where we're going, and not give them our phone number or anything. Most of you know, my MIL has an extremely annoying habit of just stopping over without calling first, and it drives me up the wall when she does so. This is part of why I don't want to give them the new address.
In all honesty, after everything they've put us through since day 1, I feel like I can just never ever even attempt to get along with them again. Anytime they're around I am just so extremely uncomfortable, and I can never seem to be polite with them, mostly because I remember all the cr@p they've pulled on us.
So I want them out of my life, and I don't want the kids around them either. They certainly don't care much for my kids, considering all the times MY KIDS have needed their help and they've told us no. And most of it wasn't like money or anything either. One time I just needed someone to help me, just be there to give me a break, and they couldn't even do that much. I was stressed and dealing with PPD and newborn twins, I just needed help, but MIL was too busy cleaning her house!
Plus I will say that sending my children to their house is not an option. They're house is disgusting, they have over a dozen cats, most go outdoors, none are healthy, and none are fixed. The smell is overwhelming, you notice it before you're even in the house. You can smell it on them even. It's awful, so for that reason I won't send my kids there.
Anyways, most of you knew all that. My problem is hubby. I know these are his parents, and I know he doesn't completely feel the same way I do. He's angry at them, yes, but in his heart, he hopes that my relationship with his parents can go back to the way it was for the first 6 months I was dating him. Back before I realized what kind of people they were, and actually tried to get along with them, and overlooked MIL's stupid comments (the very first time I was at her house she tried to convince me I should tie my son's left hand behind his back to force him to be right handed!)
I never told hubby that he can't communicate with his parents, but I did tell him they are not to have our phone number or address, and they are not to see me or the kids. He can call them, they can call him at work, they can visit him at work if he so chooses, but that's it.
But I worry this is going to cause further issues between me and him. I know that when they die, he's going to feel guilty for not having a better relationship with them, and I know that he's soon going to forget about everything they've done, and in his heart he'll blame me for all of this. He says he knows it's their fault, and he says he won't resent me for it, but I just don't believe him.
This is my decision. He's going along with it, true, he could fight me on it, and he has in the past, but this time he's more or less just going along with it. I think he realizes that I'm beyond fed up, and he's also a bit angry at them. But his anger towards them never lasts long. I know they're his parents and no matter what they do he'll still love them, he can't help that.
But what should I do? If I get my way, I'm hurting him (and possibly the kids too, they are too young to realize their grandparents are idiots, but they do realize I don't like their grandparents). If I don't get my way, I'm continuing to deal with the stress and frustration, which is not good or healthy for me.
What would you do?4 people like this
13 responses
@sxrxnrr45601 (1171)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I myself could not tell my hubby not to have his parents over rather I liked them or not that is just something that I feel is unfair of course I have not had to deal with it myself I do not allow my mother at my house because of reasons I do not choose to talk about but but really I would tell him how I felt and How I wish thing would happen but leave it up to him weather they are there or not but you do allow them there I would tell them not to come if your hubby is not home and if MIL speaks to you in an unproper manner I would tell hubby that it is his place to say something to her if he feels he can not do this then I would just go with your plan good luck with this and you will be in my prayer for sure thank good my MIL is great and love me very much and thinks I am the greatest I wish you the best of luck with you move but remember that that is your hubby and your would be doing this for him because that is his parents and you love him!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
Well that is how I've been living for the past 7 years, and I'm to the point now where if I have to put up with his parents any longer, it's going to get ugly. My husband will not stand up to them, they treat all of us badly, not just me, and he allows them. They are toxic people who don't deserve us, and I've finally had enough so I just cannot have them in my life anymore.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
31 Jan 09
Hey kats~ I think that the only thing that you can do is really
sit down and have a very serious talk with your husband and
get this all out. I mean get your feelings out and your concerns
about everything like you just said here. You have to really
make him understand that you mean what you say and you will
not allow them to interfere in yours or your childrens lives
and he has to agree with your or let you know now. And if
he feels that down the road that this is going to affect
your relationship he needs to make that known now, not later
if that is really possible. He is the one that has to really
think all this through. It is pretty much impossible for it
not to affect him because no matter what they are his parents.
I didn't marry someone because I knew that his parents would
interfere in our lives forever. I wasn't about to take that
chance so I called everything off before I had to deal with it
and I never regretted it!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
You probably made a very smart choice there.
He and I have spoken about it, and there's a large part of him that totally agrees with me, but there's also a part of him that just isn't to that point yet, you know. Like I said, he's not fighting me on it, and he has told me that he knows this is completely their fault.
@Ithink (10106)
• United States
30 Jan 09
Actually I have dealt with a rotten in-law family, not just the mother in law, his sister, the whole family other then his younger brother.
You are right in saying when they die he will most likely blame you. We also don't allow our children to stay there (not that they would want to). However I'm hoping it doesn't change your relationship with your husband. Telling him he isn't allowed to have them over at all or even have your number, I don't know how that will make it better. He might start resenting you and it will grow.
I guess I'm just saying think it over more. With us his parents and even sometimes his sister with her kids will stop by. I'm semi nice as he is (yes he holds a lot of grudges against him as I do) but we have never told them they could never come over. I also understand that it is a pain in the butt to have them stop whenever they want. Maybe you could just tell them call first.
It is such a hard dilemma to be in and it sucks why cant we just have nice in-laws?
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Jan 09
I understand what you're saying, but I don't think you truly understand where I'm coming from. We've had many issues with his parents, even his own sister won't speak to them anymore. Most of the family has shunned them, and we're about the only ones left who had still been speaking to them, that is up until last week when FIL demanded to use our car, and when we said no he threatened to steal it. I mean, that's not even the worst of it.
But since day 1 we've had a problem with them just stopping over, sometimes just letting themselves in, sitting down and making themselves at home, regardless what we're doing. Then they have the nerve to complain that I'm not being hospitable. And the entire time they're trying to tell us how to live our lives, how to spend our money, how to raise my kids. My FIL has even told my husband that he should leave me.
We've told them thousands of times to call before trying to come over, but they take it personally, argue that no one else in the family makes them call first, and in the end they'll hang up on us because they don't like what we're saying, then they won't speak to us for months, and then when they do speak to us again, they start stopping over unannounced all over again. It's been this sort of cycle for over 7 years now! They never learn!
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
30 Jan 09
I'm a nice MIL. Honest. My 2 DIL and I get on great. I had the worse MIL in the world and promised that I would be the best. This I will strive to do until I pop my clogs!
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
30 Jan 09
Oh gosh, you know I have all the words I want to say in my head but to get them down here is hard. The one thing I do know and that is that blood runs thicker than water no matter what has gone on with a family they usually always stick together, whether it be out of loyalty or whatever and so I will say be careful how you handle it, if you are clever you can work it to your advantage. At the end of the day they are his parents and he will have feelings for them no matter how they have been, but he also loves you and the kids, he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. As you say one day they will no longer be here and if he does not have a relationship of some sorts with them he is going to feel guilty and yes he could blame you for it even though it is not your fault because I would feel and act exactly the same if I was in your shoes. I would just play it by ear, keep going as you are with your plans and just see what happens.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
30 Jan 09
You have been living in their house so they probably think that they have the right to be as they are with you. I think that once you have moved from under their rule so to speak the balance of power shifts and the control is all yours. You may find that you dont need to do anything, you may find that things change anyway. They have put you through a lot, and you have put up with more than your fair share and now its time for you to put you and your family first for a change, stress is not good for a person.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Jan 09
OMG I just wrote this huge long response, and it didn't even go through! Ugh! I hope this one does.
Anyways, they've been ruining our lives since long before we moved into this house. They always find a way. The house has made things worse, but in all honesty, I wanted to run far far away from them 3 years before we moved into this house. Hubby has tried calmly talking to them, I've told them off a few times, we've even gone 6 months or more of not speaking to them, and them not seeing the kids, and none of this has made things any better.
I highly highly doubt us moving out will make any sort of a difference. They just don't get it. They do something that makes us angry, we try to tell them, they take it personally and get mad at us. Then they get childish and don't speak to us for awhile, which is fine by me. Then hubby talks to them, tells them calmly what they've done wrong, and they promise to behave this time, but it doesn't take long before they do the same thing all over again. This has been the way it's gone since day 1, even before we lived in this house.
We just didn't really see it before we moved in here. The worst of it has happened since being here, partly because they own the house and hold it over our heads, partly because they only live 5 minutes away. When we move, the only thing that will change is they don't own the house, they'll still live close by, so can still act as if they can do what they please because it's their son.
@4ofmyown (1119)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I am sure right now severing all ties with the in-laws sounds like a dream but I personally don't think that is a good idea. Having a distant relationship, a very, very distant relationship sounds a little bit more reasonable. Giving a response like this is hard because I can only imagine what you have been through but I do believe that your husband would suffer. Hear me out and I know this is not your situation but it is similar. My husband was married to someone for 13 years before we met. His ex-wife only wanted to be involved with her family and not his...at all. My husband's family are great and as far as I know nothing really happened that make her want to feel this way toward his family. I mean he missed weddings and 50th anniversaries of people he loves dearly. Fast forward to now...he had a ton of guilt(finally getting over all of it) about missing his family and basically shutting them out of his life.It was so bad he didn't even call them after his daughter was born because she wanted her mother to call EVERYONE...including his parents. He has built his relationship back up with his family but still on occasion it does come up and when it does you could hear a pin drop in the room. Like I said the situation is different but these are his parents. You don't have to like them or include them in your life but don't let him feel like he has to do the same. Let him know exactly how you feel(and I am sure you already have) and come to an understanding agreement. Then you he will know and you won't be worried or feel guilty.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
He and I have discussed this at lenth, and honestly he completely understands, and the larger part of him actually agrees with me. Of course there will always be a part of him that loves his parents, and I know that.
Do I expect, or even hope that this will change them? No! We've been down this road before many times. We've been mad at them and stopped speaking to them for awhile, they didn't get to see the kids, etc etc, that didn't change them. We've had long talks with them, telling them exactly what we have problems with, we've blown up at them, we've made them miss important events, like our wedding, the birth of our youngest son, birthdays, you name it. None of this has phased them in the least. They won't change, no matter what.
@4ofmyown (1119)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I know you haven't said any of those things to him , I was just saying that if you tell him exactly how you feel and let him know the kind of relationship you plan on having with them...even if that means having no relationship...just let him know. If he chooses to stay in touch with them, fine but let him know your not. Do you think it is at all possible that once you distance yourself from them they will realize what they have done and awful they have treated you? Or is that wishful thinking? I couldn't stand my 1st husbands mom. I couldn't stand how fake she was to me and she always had a comment about what I should be doing with the kids and how that's not how she would have done it. I just let my then-husband know I couldn't stand her, don't expect me to go to her house for vacation (did once, BIG mistake!!!) or her come to ours to stay. He wasn't really happy about but he understood. I really hope everything works out for the best.
Oh and by the way, we have been divorced for 6 years now and when she comes down to visit him, he will bring her over to my house to see the kids...and you know what? I still can't stand her.hahaha
@wallfranklin (148)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I wouldn't let them near me or my kids either! Your children always come first, even before your husband and if it's not a healthy environment for them, they shouldn't be around it. And who knows what the inlaws would say about you to your own kids. They could talk trash about you right in front of them. Is this healthy for them? No way. I wouldn't let them around no matter what!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Jan 09
They will never learn, and us moving won't change them at all. I don't pretend to expect them to change, ever, regardless what happens. And keeping them away for awhile won't help either, because we've done that before. Getting out of the house will help a bit, but they were like this before we moved in, so I don't expect it to change a thing.
@albert2412 (1782)
• United States
30 Jan 09
With all do respect, you need to change your attitude about your inlaws. Please do not let your anger destroy your children's relationship with your inlaws and your husbands love for them. Please forget your hatred for them and try to be a Christian. Shower them with love and forgiveness.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
With all due respect, you don't know my in laws or anything they've put us through.
@GreenMoo (11833)
•
3 Feb 09
You're probably not going to like this, but I really don't think it's fair to ask your husband to keep your address and phone number from his parents.
Once you move out of their home though, no-one can force you to let your mother in law in if she calls around unexpectedly. Neither do you need to answer the phone to them if you don't want to. You won't be beholden to them anymore.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
3 Feb 09
Surprisingly, he's more adamant about them not wanting to know where we are than I am now. We were discussing it the other night and he said he's not even going to tell them that we're moving, he's going to let them figure it out on their own. He's afraid if they know we're moving, they'll keep watching the house until they see the moving van so that they can follow it. I doubt that would actually happen, but that's how he is feeling right now. So this is just as much his choice as mine. You just don't know my in laws. Sure I could tell them they aren't welcome in my home once we're not in this house anymore, but they'd still find a way to make us feel like it's wrong for us to do that. They make us feel like we have to treat them like gold, while they treat us like poo. We don't need that stress, my kids don't need to see us go through all this, and if they continue to upset me as much as they have, then I'm going to end up going off on them, and none of us need that either.
1 person likes this
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I feel you and know exactly where you are coming from, but you must realize that there are other people involved, and you do realize that. I think that if you do not want to have anything to do with the in laws, that is fine, but I do not think keeping your children away is a good thing.
The children will realize that grandma and grandpa are not really interested in them, and will soon not want to go visit or see them. Then that becomes the children's choice, not yours.
As far as your husband, he can do just like you suggested he do, visit them, they visit him at work etc.
It seems like a very difficult and strained situation, but when the in laws realize how they ran they son and his family away, they may have a self evaluating moment.
Good luck on your move, and enjoy your new in law free home with your family.
I wish you lots of luck.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
His sister already doesn't speak to them, for many of the same reasons as us, but they did not self evaluate that. They blame it on someone else. MIL blames it on FIL, and FIL blames it on SIL. So they will do the same thing when we our out of their lives.
And I understand what you're saying about the kids, trust me the one thing I ever wanted for my kids was a family, it's the one thing I never had growing up, but as I mentioned, I can't send my kids over there. I've done it before, even though I didn't want to, and later found out that the children were outdoors unsupervised (they're 11 and two 6 year olds) and they also watched the news which I don't allow because the news doesn't talk about anything but murders and stuff. When I asked my kids if they ever actually spend time with the grandparents while they're there, they said no. So that, along with the cat issue, doesn't make me feel safe about sending my kids over there.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
30 Jan 09
I do understand what you have gone through with your IL but you are going to have to take a long view at this one. Whatever they are, and they are obviously not nice, they are still your husband's parents. And we don't want to think that our parents are totally bad people. So, despite what they do we make excuses for them. We say they are old, or that they weren't like that when he was young. Whatever. You are going to have to walk a fine line here and not stop your husband from seeing them or your grandchildren from seeing them. No it is not easy to do but I did it and eventually my children saw their grandmother as the selfish, horrible human being that she was. I did not stop my husband or my children from seeing her and encouraged my husband to assist financially when she needed extra money. It is hard, but then life is hard and no one ever promised that it would be easy. What we were promised is eternal life if we can just make the sacrifice of forgiving people that hurt us. Kat, I prayed for 3 years to even want to forgive my MIL. I hated her and spent so much time and energy into hating her.Then I realised that she wasn't spending all this time on me and I prayed to want to forgive her. Because I really didn't want to. It happened after 3 years. I am not in your shoes and not living your life but I will give you one piece of advice. don't let this fester into a problem between you and your husband, It is not worth it. I hope that I haven't offended you by speaking my mind. Bless you
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I haven't tried to stop my husband from seeing them, and I don't plan to. I will stop them from being at my house, and honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I know they'd stop over whenever they pleased, then I'd have no problem giving them our address, but that's not the case. If they know where we live, they will be over probably every weekend, and we need our space and our privacy. We'll tell them not to, but they won't listen, and continue to do it anyways, until the point where I blow up and tell them some very not nice things because I was not raised to take cr@p from anyone, so honestly this is for their own protection, as well as mine and the kids, because they don't need to see me that way.
As I said, I can't send the kids over there, and I can't allow the in laws to my home, at least not anytime soon.
This has been going on for over 7 years, and everytime I start to get over it and move on, they do something else that just brings back all the stress, anger and frustration.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
31 Jan 09
In the end you make the decisions and maybe it is good that they do not visit you at your new home. They cannot just come whenver they feel like it that is not right. They sound so awful but I do not want the stress and tension to get to you. Leave it alone for a bit then discuss again with your husband. Take care dear friend
@bamrahkirti (1821)
• India
31 Jan 09
I have been reading your stuff and i know you have estranged relations with your in laws.They have never shown interest to help you or your family at the time of need .They are self centered and foolish people who just look for their self interests and self esteem.
I am happy to know that you are moving to a new place and do not want to give your address and telephone number to them.I think you should forgive them and let them understand the fact that in spite of such atrocities and mistakes they have done they have been given another chance to prove themselves.Make them understand that they have done wrong with you and your kids and how you felt about them during the time you have spent with them.
In this way your hubby will not have issues with you and i hope everything will come out clear and clean.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Jan 09
We've tried that before. They know what we have a problem with, they know that I don't like them. We've done things in the past to show them that if they don't change, we don't want them around. They didn't even get to meet my youngest son until he was 6 months old, and the only reason they met him is because we bumped into them at a neighborhood garage sale, in our neighborhood. Our moving will not change them, not at all! Nothing we've done has ever changed them, and this isn't going to either.
@jglevins1 (1)
• United States
30 Jan 09
I respect the hell out of you because you have lasted this long and are still able to have civilized contact with your in laws. I know how people can be, my grandmother used to do her absolute best to control me and every step that I take. And when I don't do exactly what she believes I should, she insults me, criticizes me, and treats me lower than dirt. Currently we do not talk or really have much of a relationship. September 19 of this year, I am getting married to the most amazing man that I have ever known. My grandmother of course HATES Brady. Even though he has never given her a reason not to like him, she despises him. Since she mistreats him as she does, me and her do not socialize. Even though there is less stress on me, because I do not have to listen to her and how I am basically "throwing my life away", I do regret that we do not have a relationship. I do love my grandmother, even though she is the way that she is. If it was left up to Brady, she would never see her great grandchildren. In my opinion, you should not cut ties with your children and thier grandparents. However, I do believe you should lay out how you feel and make it clear that if things do not change, you will be forced to take more serious measures.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
30 Jan 09
They do know how I feel, we've had numerous talks with them over the years. It's been over 7 years since I've been with my husband, and my relationship with his parents started going down hill a bit over 6 years ago, when I got pregnant for my twins. Even then they were trying to control us, they completely planned our wedding, even though he and I hadn't even spoken of marriage, they were basically trying to force us to get married already. They even tried to control what gifts others would give me at my baby shower. It's basically been downhill from there.
Like I said, we've had numerous talks with them about their behavior and how it's not acceptable to me. Over the past 3 years since living in this house their behavior has gotten worse (more or less because they own the house and live around the corner, so we have to put up with it more). During the past 3 years I've threatened many times to take the kids out of their lives, and have even done so for months at a time. They didn't even meet my youngest son until he was about 6 months old. Although it upset them, it didn't change a single thing about them. It continues to just get worse and worse.
So you see the sort of predicament I am in.
