Fighting before bed

United States
February 13, 2009 7:05pm CST
Have you and your partner ever gotten into a big fight just before bed time? Did you stay up to solve the problem and end the fight, or did you just go to bed mad? Hubby and I do not like to go to bed angry at each other, we've always believed we should talk it out before either of us falls asleep. Unfortunatly this hasn't always worked out well for us. We went through a rough patch a few years ago, and fought constantly. We'd stay up all hours of the night screaming at each other and never solving anything, it only continued to escalate. Thankfully things have changed, and hubby and I are getting along so much better now. Fights still happens now and then, but not nearly as often, and rarely ever as escalated as it used to be. But there's still those few occasions. Last night was one of those occasions. The fight started over something stupid, as it usually does. We were both already tired and rather stressed because our youngest is sick and hasn't been sleeping well, and last night all the baby would do was cry. So our nerves were already shot, and a simple miscommunication started a rather large fight (not the worst we've seen though!). We were both angry and did some yelling for awhile, but we finally calmed down and talked it out. By the time it was all said and done and we'd made up, it was about 5 in the morning!! We both ended up with only a couple hours of sleep. Would you stay up this late to solve a fight, or would you just go to sleep and deal with it the next day? When was the last time you stayed up late because of a fight?
3 people like this
19 responses
@phoenix25 (1542)
• United States
14 Feb 09
People like to tout the never go to bed angry thing, but sometimes going to bed angry can be a good thing. Think about it...two people tired and fighting about something...they keep fighting instead of going to sleep and they probably won't come to some sort of understanding the later it gets and the more tired they get. If the fight starts over something stupid, like a miscommunication or crankiness, then it probably would be best to go to bed and just worry about it tomorrow after you're both rested and have slept on it. I have gotten pissed about things before at night and just not said anything and felt better the next day after sleeping. You'd be surprised how differently you can view things when you're rested instead of tired.
• United States
14 Feb 09
We all know that's true. But when I'm tired and upset over something, I tend to become irrational, and just want to address whatever I feel the issue is at that moment, even if it's not a big deal. It's just how I am.
1 person likes this
@phoenix25 (1542)
• United States
14 Feb 09
That's an even better reason to sleep on it, though. If you know you become irrational when you are tired, then you can do something to reduce the severity of fights in the future. Fighting when one or both people involved is irrational is counterproductive. It's more likely to just make the fight worse. If you really are set on duking it out anyway, then more power to you...but if it was me and I knew that I had a tendency to behave that way I would just worry about it the next day. That's why if I get mad about something stupid I tend to realize that I'm being irrational and just don't say anything. Then I can think about it again after I'm rested and I know I can think rationally.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
Another problem we face is my husband's job. He works such very long hours, usually leaves long before we all wake up, and doesn't get home until 7:30 or sometimes as late as 9:30pm. He's always worked crazy hours like this, and because I don't want to have to wait nearly 24 hours to say what I feel I need to say, I want to take care of it then and there. It's a feeling like it's either now or never, and if I don't take care of it now, it will be worse the next chance we get, you know?
@spalladino (17923)
• United States
14 Feb 09
My husband and I rarely fight but there have been a couple of times that we've gotten irritated with each other and the *reason* was because we were over tired so going to bed was the best idea. In the morning when we both felt better we easily made up. I've also learned...and so has my husband...that there are times when the best thing to do is to apologize even if I/he feel that we're 100% right. We love each other...that's the bottom line and no argument is worth hurting each other over.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
You're so right, but me and my hubby are very stubborn. There have been times when one of us has just stopped and realized it's not worth it, but most of the time we're both too angry to want to stop and see reason. But like I said, it has gotten a whole lot better already, and in time I'm sure it will get even better.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17923)
• United States
14 Feb 09
I'm glad things are getting better between your husband and you...that's what counts no matter how you get there. I've always believed that a relationship is like any other living thing...it needs to be nurtured and sometimes things need to be weeded out. Knowing what doesn't work is like knowing what is a weed and what is a plant. Eventually you're left with a pretty decent garden...err relationship.
• United States
14 Feb 09
Yes, we're working on it. We've been together almost 8 years now. Married for almost 6 years. We had a few years where neither of us wanted to work on the relationship at all, but things have changed now, and we're beginning to see what we'd been doing wrong. Now things are starting to go in the right direction, although we still have some work to do.
@lynnemg (4538)
• United States
14 Feb 09
It seems like when my husband and I have a fight, it is almost always right beore bed. I try to talk to him and work things out, but he tends to just block me out altogether. I usually end up lying there crying, when he realizes that I am crying, he will try to put his arm around me to hold me.I guess that is his way of trying to end te fight. Usually, things are much better in the morning when we are both feeling refreshed.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
Sometimes when we fight when we're tired, it is over something silly, and the only reason the fight started is because we're so tired. It's true that sometimes going to bed is the best option.
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
14 Feb 09
Hey kats! Unfortunately for me (or not?) my boyfriend refuses to fight! He will not yell or lose his temper! That is what I do! So he takes the "I won't talk to you" stance which can be even more annoying and aggravating! He can fall asleep and not give a damn! Me, on the other hand is seithing with anger and wants to kill him??? But, then he forgets about it and makes like it never happened and I'm like huh? I want to finish the fight! Nope! He is finished and it's over! Now, that is really annoying!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
Mine has been like that at times as well. He hates to fight, so he reacts in 3 different ways, each way depends on what the fight is over, and what was his mood going into the fight. One of the reactions is what you mentioned your guy does, but that's the one mine does least often, and it's usually just if he's so tired that he just can't be bothered with the fight. When we began dating his reaction was always to apoligize, regardless what happened. He'd apologize and beg forgiveness, and not stop until I caved. Eventually of course he smartened up a bit, and now when it's not his fault, he may become angry towards me for getting angry over something he doesn't feel he deserves to be yelled at for, so he'll yell and scream right back, which escalates the fight until one or both of us calm down enough to actually talk.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
This reminds me of an episode of the new Cosby show that aired after The Cosby Show, in which Bill Cosby played a married man whose kids were out of the house. I remember them fighting once and his wife lit a candle and said they couldn't go to bed until they resolved the problem and they needed to resolve the problem before the candle burned out. It was one of those thick pillar candles!! I know the feeling though. I don't like to go to bed angry or after a fight. It's happened a few times because I've fallen asleep before my husband came to bed. Our general rule of thumb is to go to seperate rooms so that we can think things out, calm down, and get our heads together. A few times I've fallen asleep before he's come to the bedroom. A few times he's fallen asleep. However, most of the time we end up calming down, coming back together and talking things out. This does at times make for late nights, though we keep late nights anyhow so it never really seems to matter. I would definately continue to try and resolve things before bed or before one of us had to leave the house. I don't mean to put a negative spin on it, but I'd hate to know the last words we said were something negative.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
I vaguely remember that episode. It's good to take a bit of a break when a fight is about to escalate. We are working on doing that sometimes when it gets that heated. We are also working on ignoring our attitude and finding the reason behind our anger, so we can discuss that instead of just being angry and shouting at each other.
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
14 Feb 09
I love that you started this discussion. I think the all time WORST marital advice that I ever read was "don't go to bed mad at eachother". I took this so literally and it was NOT good. If you think about it, really, it doesn't make sense. I think the intent of that advice meant to say "don't hold grudges overnight" maybe. Just think about it. How does SLEEP DEPRAVATION improve a relationship?? When we are tired we are more cranky! At least one of you probably just wants to get some SLEEP! If one is tired and the other is trying to resolve an issue, the one being kept up is likely to become resentful of not being left alone. That is not going to end in a positive result. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting a good night sleep and agreeing to continue the conversation the next day. Also, sometimes you just gotta agree to disagree! I don't think it is possible to expect a couple to agree on EVERYTHING. Some times you just gotta let things go. But sometimes it takes a while to realize that and I don't think arguing until you are exhausted is helpful.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
I completely understand what you're saying, but each couple is different. For us, we've always felt like we have to deal with it immediatly. Due to our crazy daytime schedules, we don't get much chance to talk. If we have a problem that isn't dealt with right away, it may be days before we're able to discuss it, and neither of us want to be bogged down with those feelings for that long.
• Philippines
14 Feb 09
my fiance would always, always tell me to take a breather when we fight. He's the type that when he's pissed off, he wants to brood by himself in order to avoid spurting out hurtful words out of anger. me on the other hand would not mind an all out shouting match as long as it patches things up between us quickly. I dont like the let's-see-who-approaches-who-first game. when there's a difference in opinion, I want that discussed right away. doesnt matter how long it takes, I want everthing resolved ASAP. so I guess with us, it's a matter of compromise. sometimes I let him do his thing and we wait it out and sometimes he lets me do my thing. I guess what really matters is you try and resolve everything whether be it today or tomorrow.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
Taking a breather can be a good thing, it helps us calm down and be a bit more rational. But certain hurts should be dealt with quickly as well.
• United States
14 Feb 09
We would stay up and resolve the fight as we couldnt sleep if we were angry and your upset and adrenaline is up and pumping, I am glad to say that doesnt happen very often for us, but wow, you were up til 5... that is really quite a fight! LOL glad you got it resolved though. yes, our nerves get a little weary as well as we have a one yr old that fights sleep and hubby will just go to sleep and not hear her and I am up with her all night sometimes..thank goodness those nights are few now... LOL
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
My youngest is a year old too. He's still not 100% sleeping through the night, but at the worst he's just up once for a bottle around midnight or so. But these past few nights he's been sick, and been up every half an hour and nothing will calm him, so we were on edge! Last night, the fight actually only lasted until about 2 or 3, we spent the rest of the time talking about unrelated things (because that helps me get in a better mood, just having a conversation) and then we finished making up... you know... before finally going to sleep.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
I can't sleep unless the fight is resolved. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has no problem at all, and he'll just decide the fight is over, roll over, and be snoring within 2 minutes. So I sit there and watch him sleep, fuming, and getting more and more mad! How can you sleep while I am so angry?? Lol. We have two different personalities that usually mesh well but when we clash it's baaaaaaaaaaad! Of course, once I am mad enough to fight, resolving the issue isn't easy, either, because I tend to be unreasonable once my back's up...so his defense is he might as well sleep since there's no making up anyway!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 09
That sounds so familiar! You've just described so many of my fights with my husband. At one point he actually learned that if he pushed me to a certain point, I'd get so angry that I wouldn't want to speak to him anymore, so I'd go to another room to be alone, and he'd be able to go to sleep. But then the next morning is so much worse because I'm still holding all that anger, and he's left trying to get through to me which isn't always easy. Thankfully a fight like that hasn't happened in a very long time, and I'm getting much better at calming down faster.
1 person likes this
@Barb42 (4216)
• United States
14 Feb 09
My husband has never been the type to think a fight was a fight. I've gotten my feelings hurt in my earlier years, and he thought nothing of it. I'd go to bed and lay there, and he'd be asleep! I'd wake him up and he'd want to know what was wrong. I was always taught never to go to bed mad, and I'd never sleep if I did. So we'd always come to an agreement and go to sleep. He told me once that, if I'd tell him what was bothering me, we could talk about it. But it's hard for me to just come out and say something. But, now that we are older, we hardly ever fuss, and we've never really fought about anything, anyway. Just got our wires crossed or hurt feelings. We've never yelled at one another like that. When we were living in our mobile home and building this house, he got mad at me over something I can't even remember about, and hit the wall with his fist and busted the THICK paneling (regular birch paneling which is very thick and hard) so he wouldn't hit me. I laugh about it now and when he did it, it embarrassed him!
• United States
14 Feb 09
I've also had a problem just coming out and saying what's the matter with me, but that's something I'm getting better at. It used to be so foolish, I'd have a problem, but wouldn't say it, and would get mad at him that he wasn't trying to figure it out. How stupid, right? Well that's getting better at least! We have had some horrible fights, and during the few years of our horrible fights, we ended up with many holes in the walls, broken doors, all sorts of stupid things. It did get pretty bad and I'm amazed our marriage lasted through it. But he never purposely hurt me. He was even very careful not to say anything hurtful, except for on the rare occasions when I pushed his buttons too far. Me on the other hand, said a lot of stupid things, and did even more stupid things in my anger. Thankfully I'm aware of this now and working towards changing all that. It has gotten so much better in the past couple years.
@Barb42 (4216)
• United States
14 Feb 09
I don't believe there is a couple alive that hasn't had some sort of dispute or hurtful words said in their marriage. Everyone goes through adjustments no matter who they are or how good they got along before marriage. Some may not be as bad as others, but I'm sure there have been times that arguments or disagreements happened. Nobody is perfect!
@gemini_rose (16192)
14 Feb 09
I cannot go to bed on an argument or anything simply because I would not sleep. Hubby could go to bed and go to sleep on a row but I have to talk it out and get it out of my system first. We dont actually row where we scream and shout it is all usually calm with us and we talk it through the latest was where we talked til about 5 in the morning over something. Luckily we have not had any mither for a couple of months now so its all good!
• United States
14 Feb 09
That's how I am too. He's fine with just falling asleep, no matter what's going on, but I lie there and stew about it and keep feeling worse for the fact that he's sleeping and not caring that I'm upset. That usually just escalates things because then I attempt to wake him up so I can yell at him for sleeping, lol. It's been pretty ugly before. Like I said, it's getting a lot better.
@Amber4106 (541)
• United States
14 Feb 09
Our fights seem to always start from the most stupid and irrelevant things, and never really resolve. Of course we end up talking again and getting over the fights, but he can NEVER say I'm sorry. I've got to the point where I don't either, and I feel like such an awful person because of this. He can literally go to bed and actually fall asleep within minutes of screaming at each other! I can't. I stay awake and worry and cry and feel awful about what has just happened. I hate the fact that we still fight, because we have a new baby to think about, and I do not want to fight around her. I also don't want to spend my time arguing over stupid things, instead of giving her the attention that she needs. I understand that he's losing sleep also because of the 2 or 3 o'clock feedings, but he's also not the one getting up with her and actually interacting with her. He stays in bed while I feed, change, and hold her until she's content and ready to go back to sleep. I'm probably getting way off the subject here, but I guess that I needed to vent. Kylie is a good baby, but it is still stressful no matter how perfect a baby can seem. Anyway, thank you for this discussion, I needed it.
@dodo19 (37235)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
16 Feb 09
My fiance and I do fight. But we haven't fought just before bed. We actually try to go to bed not angry with each other. If we had a fight, we try to solve things before we go to bed, before the end of the day.
• Philippines
14 Feb 09
i admit i am really stubborn when it comes to these things..my hubby would usually sleep it off but i'm the one who continuously tries to nag him...the result sowllen red eyes because of crying the whole night. I just end up putting dark eyeshadows on my eyes just to hide it before going to work the next day...
• United States
14 Feb 09
I am very thankful that my wife and I don't fight much, and if we do it's over something that can be solved pretty quickly by admitting our faults. But we have had a few that have resulted in hurt feelings before bed, so we've got the rule no bed til it's worked out. Which usually don't take to long because we both know we've messed up, and we say our sorry's and turn in for the night, and the next day things are long forgotten.
@GemmaR (8521)
14 Feb 09
If I have a fight before bed I like to sort it out, otherwise I won't be able to get to sleep. Some of the guys I've been out with were happy to do that, but others preferred just to go to bed and leave me up alone and upset. I didn't like the guys who did that. I like the guys who will stay up with me and talk about it.
@AXLAERO (426)
• Philippines
14 Feb 09
well,we always quarrel/fight before going to bed.actually even not going to bed.we always quarrel with such a small things and just because we dont understand each other,that small things will end up to a big thing.im really fed up with quarelling that's why sometimes,i will just ignore it.it's true that its hard to sleep when your mad.but for us,its normal.
• India
14 Feb 09
Yes me and my boyfriend often fight with each other ,but thats not the end of everything problem and its all me who makes up an issue out of a small thing but our anger does not last for longer we again patch upafter few hours .we start fighting for simple damm reason but after a while we realise that what we did a while ago was just so kiddish and foolish so i feel sorry for what i did and then my the end of the day we are back together
@meljessxena (2317)
• Australia
14 Feb 09
my hubby and i rarely fight of a night time, if we fight it usually of a day and we usually resolve it pretty quickly anyway. i think it we did have a fight just before bed most likely we would resolve it before going to sleep, but i guess it really depends what the fight is about.