How do you help a hard-headed friend ?
By LaPrincesa77
@LaPrincesa77 (104)
Canada
February 18, 2009 10:33pm CST
My best friend is so darn hard-headed I just want to take her and shake her at times. She's in her early 20's, and has been through more long distace relationships than any other type. EVERY time she gets involved with someone from another province or even as far as somewhere in the US, she ends up hurt or played...bad.
Every time she gets played, she gets mad, and says that she's gonna stay off of those sites, and that she's done with long distance relationships and concentrate on ONLY talking to people from the city we live in. FOr awhile she does.....till she gets bored, then she's back on them and the whole thing starts all over again.
She always asks my advice, and i tell her, she needs to stop with those sites, and that the main thing she needs to do is work on her trust and jealousy issues (she's EXTREMELY jealous and can't control it), and I told her that she's proven time and time again that she's incapable of being alone and she just craves a man's attention, which I told her is another thing she has to work on.
Although she says she agrees and that she knows, but yet still goes on those sites and falls for these losers that always end up using her and breaking her heart. Worst thing is, she always asks my advice and runs to me crying when she does get hurt, and she can't understand why I get frustrated with her.
Now here's what I'm wondering.....(hopefully you're still with me)
1.How do I get her to understand that she's just hurting herself and get it through to her head that she needs to stop dating these men from out of town ?
2.Is it wrong of me to tell her to not ask my advice anymore since she never listens anyway ? (goes in one ear and out the other type thing)
3.Does it make me a bad friend that I get frustrated with her when this situation repeats itself (as usual) ?
2 people like this
4 responses
@sugarbabies (22)
• United States
19 Feb 09
There are two things you can do in this situation. You could tell her to not ask you for advice, but if you want to remain friends with her you may not want to do that. That could be really hurtful and could put a permanent wedge in your relationship.
My advice is to tell her like it is. Sometimes it is hard to be blunt with those that we care about because it feels mean....but it's the best thing you could do. It will make you feel better as well to get out your true feeling! Just tell her point blank like it is. Tell her to read more books or get another hobby or something. It sounds like she is a weak person that gets her sense of self through the attention of other people. That may sound mean, but I have a friend like that. The best thing I did was be brutally honest with her and in the end it was a good thing for our friendship.
@LaPrincesa77 (104)
• Canada
19 Feb 09
Oh believe me, I agree with you, it may sound mean, but she is that way. I don't want to say she's weak, exactly, because she is quite strong (emotionally) because she is in her early 20's and has a 2 year old daughter that she is raising all on her own.
1 person likes this
@LaPrincesa77 (104)
• Canada
20 Feb 09
NO no don't worry, that makes perfect sense to me.
1 person likes this
@sugarbabies (22)
• United States
19 Feb 09
She is pretty young to have the responsibility of raising a child on her own. A lot of other girls her age are going out and doing things that she may not be able to do now. She has to now give so much to her child and maybe it has created a void that she is desperately trying to fill by feeling loved and by getting attention from friends and men. She knows that she can always go to you for love and support, and that is very important. She also truly probably does want to find someone to have a serious relationship with. She should maybe look for older men who are a little more mature. She has had to mature very quickly with the responsibility of a child. Your friend will most likely not always be this way. It's just a period of time in her life where she still hasn't found what she is looking for. Does that make sense? I know what I am trying to say, but I don't know if it is coming out right.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
21 Feb 09
Your statement that she is incapable of being alone and craves a man's attention sure brought back memories for me.
My oldest stepdaughter was that way. She married the worst men, abusive, controlling, and manipulative. But she put up with their behavior because she 'needed' a man. When her first husband finally ditched her she went out and found one worse than him.
But back to your friend. If you could get her to agree to counseling it might help her. If she won't agree you may have to show some tough love. The next time she comes running to you for sympathy don't let her cry on your shoulder. Just tell her something like 'you brought this on yourself, this has happened before and you knew it would happen again'.
Sometimes being a good friend means telling the truth no matter how much it hurts.
1 person likes this
@LaPrincesa77 (104)
• Canada
21 Feb 09
Yea, I think the tough love approach will work much better when it comes to her, I know her, there's no way she would agree to counceling because she doesn't think that she has a problem.
1 person likes this
@Chispa514 (871)
• Montreal, Quebec
23 Feb 09
Its so hard to talk to someone that is very close to you that is hard-headed, because you never know exactly how they will re-act to what you are telling them, and many times thye don't even realize they have a problem to begin with. Sometimes being straight up and honest is the best bet
@eichs1 (1934)
• Philippines
19 Feb 09
Sometimes, the best thing to help anyone is not to help them at all. And I think your friend is in that position now. She knows what she is doing and that's the bad side of it. People who are fully aware of their mistakes and still does them are old dogs that can not be taught new tricks. Since she knows and admits that she's jealous, that she's just craving for an attention and the consequences of long distance relationship, there's nothing you can say that will change how she handles relationship.
LaPrincesa, you will not be a bad friend if you finally tell your friend that she should only ask you for advice if she'll listen and follow. Just tell her that this will be the last time you will talk with her about long distance relationship and jealousy. Next time, she will never hear anything from you about this topics.
1 person likes this
@LaPrincesa77 (104)
• Canada
19 Feb 09
Thank you, I feel abit better now, I thought I was being a bad friend for even thinking of telling her how I feel about her situation
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