when to help a friend
By cathya
@cathya (704)
Philippines
March 1, 2009 8:01pm CST
Do you help your friend every time?
I have this friend who keeps on borrowing money from me, I told her i really don't have extra money to lend her cause am paying my cards and other staff. I asked our other friends if "this friend" of ours borrowing money from them they told me NO she's not. for almost a week she keeps on texting me about the money she needs and i keep on telling her I don't have money. I even asked her to go to our other friends whom I know can lend her money. the problem was, she has a lot of reasons why she can't go to them, like nobody will take care of her kids, she doesn't know where to find them, etc. And I have this feeling that all she wanted is for me to go to our friends and borrow money for her! my best friend (our common friend too) told me that I should not mind her, i should not help her because she is not even helping herself.
If you were on my situation, what will you do??
Would you help her?
5 people like this
36 responses
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
2 Mar 09
Me and members of my family have helped many people and friends, before but sometimes you have to draw the line as kindly as you can, because some friends will take advantage of your kindness, I know that you care for your friend and you want to do right by your friendship, but sometimes its best to allow your friend to help themselves and not make it so easy for them to lean on you every time they might need something, especially when it comes to lending money, because Iv seen quite a few friendships go sour over money because the friend refused to take no for answer and got angry, so I think that if shes a real friend she will respect you and understand if you dont have it this time.
1 person likes this
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
3 Mar 09
Well of course I dont know your friend, but from what I read it kind of seems like your friend is trying to take advantage of you, because she knows your the kind of person who cares about others, and like I said sometimes you have to draw the line and say sorry, but I dont have it to give, this time, and hopfully your friend will understand and stop trying to ask for money so often.
Good luck with your situation
@cathya (704)
• Philippines
3 Mar 09
thats what my best friend told me, that our "other friend" was just taking advantage on me, to think that one of our common friend had offered to her something that she sell just to have money for the medicine of her kid but she refused it and told him;"i need cash". that's the reason why am thinking that she's just using her kids to have a borrow money from us and used it to some other thing
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
Yes I think you're other friends advice is the most practical thing to do. I really do think that she must also do something for herself and not use you to get the needed funds she needed. I think she is using you to influence your other friends to help her. I really wonder if she has a job?
1 person likes this
@cathya (704)
• Philippines
3 Mar 09
actually, she's jobless and just separated from her husband, the problem is, she's depending their needs now from the help of her friends and she thought i could be one of them, unfortunately much as i want to help her, i have also responsibilities to my family and my earnings are not enough
1 person likes this
@sassymama1974 (178)
• United States
2 Mar 09
Personally id say no your friend your friend needs to start excepting responsibility on her own and start learning to manage her money why should you go into debt for someone who cant take care of her own debt.just ignore her texts and she'll eventually get the hint no means no!
@cathya (704)
• Philippines
3 Mar 09
to punk_gal,
me too, as much as possible i want to help her, but the problem with her was, i keep on telling her that i don't have money at that moment, and i made a lot of suggestions to whom she could borrow the money, but don't do anything, she has so many reasons and she want me to do the borrowing for her, for God sake!
1 person likes this
@a_s_h_l_e_y (46)
• Canada
2 Mar 09
Its a tricky situation. I would say help her, but not by giving her money. If she keeps asking you for money and you always give it to her she is never going to stop. Talk to her about it, she has to understand that you dont have a lot of extra money lying around and any that you do you would like to keep for your self, but this doesnt mean you dont want to help her in other ways. Maybe she needs a babysitter or something else along those lines. That way your still showing her you care but you just cant afford to support both of you.
1 person likes this
@mila18bunker (75)
• United States
2 Mar 09
Tell your friend that you become a convert to Shakespeare "Neither a borrower nor a lender be"..
1 person likes this
@srganesh (6340)
• India
2 Mar 09
Once in a while and if she is in real trouble,you should help her.There are no second thoughts.But,if it is getting repeated,then you have to think twice.You shall ask her to come over to your place,explain the needs of yourself and the reason you can't help her any more with a strong voice.She should respect your needs too,if she really is a good friend.Or else,better break her relation.
1 person likes this
@eabaterina (501)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
well, if you feel that she is abusing your generosity and she always borrows money and do not pay, then she is a friendly user, she only uses you to borrow money. what else do you do together that normal friends do? like giving advice to each other, doing activities together or just enjoying each other's company, etc. for me, if a person has shown that she is not a real friend, i try to avoid that person.
1 person likes this
@csrobins (1120)
• United States
2 Mar 09
You shouldn't give her any more money unless you don't expect her to repay you if she is really your friend because it will seriously break up a friendship.
Also...one if she's asking you for money she probably hasn't repaid you back yet for the other times so there is no need to feel bad for saying no, just tell her you have to get repaid for the other times first.
Plus...if she really isn't helping herself like your freind said you definitely shouldn't give her money. Show here ways to help herself like help her with your time and help her find a good job. If she really is in need she will be just as thankful for that.
In addition...don't feel bad no matter what you do, unless you give her money whenever she expects it, because you do not ow her anything, unless you do. There are a lot of ways to get aroun dthis. Telling her straight up is most difficult but it is probably the best for her too. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@rheaperalejotan (2)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
I know you are in a tight spot right now because first, you want to help out; second, you also have bills to take care of in the first place. One thing not made clear is what she needs the money for. In my opinion, regardless of the reason, you have your own responsibility. If you don't have money to spare then you shouldn't be guilty if you can't lend her the money she needs. If she really really needs the money, she will be able to find ways to borrow from other people. The fact that she has to many reasons means the money is not that badly needed. Also, if you are the one to borrow for her, it's like you're acting as her guarantor. You might end up paying for her debt. If it was me in the situation, I will not let her borrow nor will I borrow for her.
@alfpr35 (47)
• Japan
2 Mar 09
ok i think its not bad to help,,but what i think is not right on her part is to not always expect help every other time she asks for it,,,u need to explain to her your needs in a friendly way that she will understand,,,,,,but if u are really good friends then u could b part of a solution to her problems,,i think u can help her i identify something that she can do that can generate her money in any area of interest of hers.....u can sacrifice for this venture and sort it out once for all,this way u can easily tell her that she is supposed to work hard and make sure that the venture succeeds coz u ain't going to help her in any way financially coz of your commitments that already u have explained to her......if she is wise enough she will be very greatfull and ta the same time u will b free from being bothered by her every time she is broke.....hope iam helping...........
1 person likes this
@mystic888soul (390)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
maybe in that case she is only in need and she thinks you as one of the persons who has the heart to lend...and maybe you both are closer compare to the other friends you guys have..help her if you can but if not..then telling her so is enough..^^
@agarwal786 (4)
• India
2 Mar 09
A friend in need is a friend indeed. Friend should always help us and we should always help friends. Its always give and take relationship between friends. never forget a friend. Always trust your best friends blindly.
@poppy19860219 (1)
• China
2 Mar 09
If u treasure ur friendship i really think u could lend her part of the money she asked,furthermore,the most important thing you should do is to help her out,tell her what's in your heart and maybe help her to find a better-paid job or teach her some skills to manage her money.
1 person likes this
@Denise_Tung (647)
• China
2 Mar 09
Well, I used to have such a friend and I borrowed so much money to her but never get returned. I guess I was just too silly and too enthusiastic then. I still borrow money to friends if I have some but that's different and all paid back. Well, if I call them friend I will help them when they are in trouble. But since you don't have enough money you might just tell her the truth as you have already done. She needs to take care of her own business and think others ways out.
@tabachi (263)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
i am one person who can't say no to a friend or to anyone who needs financial help..i always try to do my best to give whay i can give and really even go out of my way to help...but..this is sometimes wrong charity on my part...i've been over extending and when the time comes that i;m the one who needs financial help,ther's nobody who could help or at least reach out to me...it's funny but it's very true..nobody even come up to what i do when i'm the one helping out...so that now i've tried my best to learn to say NO to friends
1 person likes this
@melvill (392)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
Hello cathya! I always help my friend whenever they need my help, regarding advice or even financially if i have money to lend them. It is ok to lend them money but make sure that you have an extra to lend them.
Based on your story I think your friend is abusing you in borrowing money from you. You advice, talk to her in a best way that you can so that she will not get offended.
1 person likes this
@elysium (169)
• United States
2 Mar 09
If I were you, I would not help my friend anymore.
After reading your paragraphs, I believe that she is just using you for the money. Your best friend is right. You should not help her if she can not help herself or help you. Next time she asks you to borrow money again, just ignore her cry no matter how much you do not want to. You will make things for yourself worse in the future if you keep lending her money or try to help her with financial situation by asking your other friends for money. Your friend will need to and have to deal with tough love. Besides, if your friend is a real friend, she will respect your decision. If she can not respect it, then you know she is not a true friend.
anyways, I hope you are able to make the correct decision.
1 person likes this
@joshuachu13 (260)
• Philippines
2 Mar 09
Hay...good thing cathya you are not getting angry at her since she is bother you always.Well for me your best friend is right do not mind her.Because if you give her money then how could you take care of your family?I think most of the people now are like they use you most of them not all people.Just pray to God for this situation.
1 person likes this
