For the sake of my children

Philippines
March 3, 2009 12:32am CST
This is the common reason why battered wives can’t go out of their marriage. These women would do everything for the sake of the children. They want their children to grow with an family even if these wives suffer too much to the point of even sacrificing their own happiness and dignity. If you were in their shoes, would you stay being married for the sake of your children even if you are physically, verbally and emotional abused by your husband?
8 people like this
32 responses
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
4 Mar 09
No, I did not. The reason I finally got out of my marriage was for my childrens sake. I did not want them to be in that type of household any more and I also did not want them to think that was the way you were supposed to act. Many people asked if I could "stick it out for the childrens sake" and I told them I was breaking it up for the childrens sake. Many people don't understand. My brother is in an abusive relationship - his wife berates him constantly - and he wont leave because he doesn't want to pay child support. He's pretty much teaching his children that marriage is not something you are supposed to be happy with, and they actually take advantage of it.
2 people like this
@Dorrdavy (276)
• Jamaica
5 Mar 09
exactly!! thats what i'm talking about.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
6 Mar 09
It really breaks my heart to see people staying together "for the kids sake" when all they are doing is making EVERYONE miserable.
@ellie26 (4140)
• Malaysia
4 Mar 09
I am one of those wives who stayed back for the sake of the children. Early in my marriage, my husband cheated on me, abused me physically, verbally and emotionally. During those times all I could think of was my children. I thought it didn't matter as long as my children have their father. I also didn't want to be blamed by my children if they grew up without their father by their side. But now, after he suffered a heart attack, he has changed his attitude towards me, a bit nicer but still verbally abusive.
1 person likes this
@Dorrdavy (276)
• Jamaica
5 Mar 09
wow, i dont know what to say you are a very good person but i dont know how you live with that i dont think your kids would blame you at all, but if they do, i think they would understand after a while. i hope he changes completely and start treating you like you ought to be treated if you're a christian pray, maybe he can change afterall but remember quit taking blame for your husbands' mistakes hey, if thats your picture, you are very pretty wish you all the best ok
@Dorrdavy (276)
• Jamaica
5 Mar 09
wow, i dont know what to say your a good person but i dont know how you do it i hope he'll change and start treating you like you should be treated if you believe in God, pray i am sure he will answer and maybe he will change afterall do you think if you ask him why he does it, it would help? you need to find out what he's thinking when he is calm and everything seems ok what do you know about his background, was he abused while growing up, did his father abuse his mother? you need to find out these things ok if it wont get him angry suggest councelling. if it starts happening again, i dont think you should sit and take it but of course i hope it wont i really wish you all the best ok stay strong
• United States
4 Mar 09
Doris- In my first marriage, I did for 9 1/2 years. I thought it best for my children, but finally I snapped. I had enough of the abuse and I left. It took realizing that one day I might end up in a body bag. I can't tell you the mindframe to be honest, as I've changed so much since then. I think at the time I truly believed all he had told me. I got married at age 18, so he had plenty of time to condition me. Though, in counseling I learned that my family had conditioned me before I even met my abusive first husband. They had engrained patterns that made it very easy for me to fall prey to an abusive spouse. It's funny because I didn't see the Tina Turner story until I was remarried, but it really showed me just what I had been doing to myself in my first marriage. Blessings-Anora
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
thank you very much for being so honest and for sharing your experience with us. it may not be the best story and experience to hear, but definitely, there will be great lessons to be learned from you. I am so happy that you are over with all the abuses and have gotten through with such kind of relationship. Stay happy always. God bless.
• China
4 Mar 09
The main reason why a woman stays in relationship with an abusive husband is finance.She don't have confidence in raising up a child by herself.I feel sorry for these women.When violence takes place in a family both the mother and child suffer.If a mother really care about the well-being of the child,she should not just tolerate without doing anything to make the situation better.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
You are correct in saying that it is usually the financial matter that keeps the wife from getting out the abusive relationship. She has fear of raising her children without getting the financial support from her husband.
@lynnemg (4536)
• United States
4 Mar 09
No, i wouldn't stay. The children are being put in harms way each day,and I don't care who it is or what the circumstances, I would not put my kids in harms way. As a matter of fact, that was my breaking point when I left my oldest son's father. He left my son, unattended on a couch to chase me outside to yell at me and shove me around. I left that night, and never looked back. Prior to that incident, i had dealt with his abusive ways for almost 3 years. I left to protect my son. I am a child of divorce myself. I can honestly say that even though I did grow up with a loving father in my life, because Mom remarried a man who has always loved us kids and Mm very much, I would have rather lived a happy life without having two parents in my home than I would have had to live in a hostile environment. To sincerely put the children first, in my opinion, you have to protect them, and continuing to live in an abusive household is not protecting them.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
That was so brave of you to leave an abusive husband. Everyone of us deserves to be happy and there is no point in staying with you husband if he doesn't treat you nicely. have a nice day and stay happy always.
@Firefly99 (251)
• United States
4 Mar 09
In most cases like this, the children are not witnessing the abuse from the father toward the mother. it goes on beh9ind closed doors or when the kids are not home, so the kids adore their father and think nothing id wrong. And a mother who loves her kids more than anything and is staying in a relationship like this will play along and act like everything is great in front of the kids! She will hide the bruises or the tears, she will put on a fake smile for the kids sake.
1 person likes this
@csrobins (1124)
• United States
4 Mar 09
No because I think children are being harmed just seeing discord in the home, whether or not they are seeing actual abuse. Physical is a definite no, with verbal and emotional I would have to use discretion
• United States
4 Mar 09
I've been the victim of an abusive husband when there was a child involved. I know what it is like to think there is no escape, no where to run, no end in sight. However, I was lucky to say the least. I have a wonderful family who was my support system and helped me to get out. It wasn't easy. Even years later I still have regrets. Not for leaving him but for staying as long as I did. I see what it has done to my child. Her father isn't in her life and hasn't seen her since she was 2 (she's now 11) There are many repercussions that I face on a daily basis.. While there are no bad ppl in the story I tell my daughter she still has many many questions. For now I can give the sweetened version, however I know the day is going to come when I have to tell her the truth. For any women who are out there in a relationship that's abusive, get out as soon as you can. YOu cannot change him, he will do it again and he will only hurt your children in the long run. If you cant' leave for your safety then leave for your childrens. Its only a matter of time before they become his punching bag too!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Mar 09
Absolutely not. How is this healthy for the children? I understand as a mother myself I would do ANYTHING for my daughter. But if my husband physically, verbally or emtional abused me then what's to say he wouldn't do the same to his child? I've been in an physically abusive relationship in the past and thats one thing I swore to myself I would 1. never let happen again and 2. never let my children witness or be part of.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Mar 09
I was going through all of the above with my husband. he even beat me in my sleep one nice. But,Doris I left that azz alone. I took my daughter then 2 years old. I packed nothing at all. I called welfare and they found me a shelter 2 hours from my home. I left and never went back to him after that. I was the one who filed for divorce as well. Nothing on god's green earth could make me stay with an abuser. For the sake of my daughter that is why I left to begin with. My daughter means more to me that. She was not going to grow up watching her mother be abused. No mother is in their right mind if they stay. They are thinking of themselves not the children. If not they would leave as well. SJ
• Philippines
3 Mar 09
I'm so sorry to hear that. I admire your will power to leave your abusive husband and choose to be with your daughter instead. But, would you believe, in our country there are a lot of women who can't stay out of the marriage for fear that they can't support their children. Thank you for being so honest.
• United States
4 Mar 09
I can tell you from personal experience that a women who stays with an abusive husband is not always thinking of them selves. You would be surprised of how many women stay just because of their children, whether it be out of fear of losing their children or the children being without a father or like Doris said, The fear of not being able to take of their children. I know alot of women that put aside their own happiness for the sake of their children. I am not saying it is the right thing to do at all, but these women really have been beat down and pushed around so much by their husbands they dont know what else to do? They start believing all the bad things he says about her, The husband makes them believe they have no other choice and that they are weak and cannot make it own their own. It is good that you got out of it and I have mad respect for you, But for some women in this situation it is not that easy for them.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
I certainly agree with you. The abused wife usually believe all the negative accusations against her by the husband, whetehr it's true or not. It's a pity for her that she cannot defend herself and her morale gets so low.
1 person likes this
@nini89 (670)
• India
10 Mar 09
Hi dorisday! Living with a abusive husband is very difficult and hopeless. Some women do it for their children. Some live as they dont have the courage to live alone with the children and specially the financial problems. some are working and some are housewives. Anyway I have not experienced much as my husband used to do it the early days after that he he never. He was a kind and good loving husband. Happy mylotting.
• Philippines
23 Mar 09
You are very lucky to have a kind and loving husband. keep happy with him. Take care and God bless that you may have more fruitful years of being together.
@nini89 (670)
• India
23 Mar 09
I am not a lucky wife to be happy with him for longer years. We had married life only for 20 years,he left for heavenly aboard on 29th May 2008 due to cardiac attack. I and my children are alone now. Happy posting and have a nice day.
• Philippines
12 Apr 09
I am very sorry to hear that.
@suzzy3 (8349)
4 Mar 09
Another reason they stay in violent relationships is their confidence is so low ,they feel they cannot exist without this person and slowly lose their strength.Then theres the where will I go,without any money,or job it is not as easy as some people may think to just walk out with kids in tow.They are so frightened because this man has probably told her she is useless,hopeless and if your are told that enough times you beleave it and think all the problems in the marriage are down to you.Don't ask me how I know so much will you!!!!!!!!
• United States
4 Mar 09
I was going to say it but you said it for me!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
You are absolutely right. Abused women often lose their self worth or self-esteem. They have low morale that they lose control of themselves. That fear of losing their children and failure to raise their children all by themselves is the greatest factor why they can't leave their abusive husband. It shouldn't be that way.
• Philippines
12 Apr 09
I think you need to ask some help from a counsellor in your community to help you out with your problem.
• Philippines
12 Apr 09
It's not actually my problem and God forbid! I don't want to be caught into this trouble.
@cher913 (25859)
• Canada
11 Apr 09
not only for their children. if these women have been battered over a period of time, they are so demoralized and just afraid of the change that will make them move out of the house.
• Philippines
12 Apr 09
I agree with you. .. The thought of starting a new life without their partners seem scary for them.
@sinokirin (901)
• China
23 Mar 09
I do believe your post, many marriage around me have the sam sake:children. We love our children, because they have the blood of mine, and we so care for them, protect them from sickness,hurt and sadness. So we keep our marriage completely as we could.
• Philippines
12 Apr 09
Thank you for sharing the same thoughts with me.
@TLChimes (4838)
• United States
4 Mar 09
I was able to keep my step son when I got out of my marriage because I put up with far more then I should have for far longer then I would have liked. He had to be old enough to make the choice in court. He did. He was safe and happy and that was well worth all I went through. It depends on the reason they stay. Sometimes there really is limited choices in their eyes and sometimes they are just so used to it (maybe they came from such a family) that they HAVE to stay.
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
I agree with you. Abused wives usually close their eyes at the greater opportunity for them outside of that rocky marriage. i am so glad you are all through with that situation and have moved on. Stay happy and God bless.
• India
3 Mar 09
Ya this is sad but true that 90%ladies cannot move out the house only because of the kids,and this is also a universal fact that a mother can never think bad of her kids,Hey dorisday even iwas also suffering with the same problem but i never losed hope and kept on trying and left the rest to the god and today iam very happy in my family.
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
I am so happy that you have overcome all those problems which you have enecountered in the past. I just hope that you will always be happy forever. It is good that you have cling to God that your burdens became light. God bless.
@mansha (6301)
• India
3 Mar 09
Thats the worst thing you ca do to your kid to let him or her watch you take abuse day after day. You make your child also feel that its okay to get talked at and take beatings too. I was watching a movie where the mother of the kid talks about ehr abusive husband that he will never hurt her child, the other person says he does not have to hurt him, all he has to do is not love him. I felt such strongly about it then. Since I have had kids, I have decided I will never allow anyone to talkback to me or abuse me in anyway. My kids will not suffer on account of me whatever happens.
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
It is difficult to let the children see how their mother is being abused and how their father abuse their mother. The children will not be able to distinguish which one is correct, being abused or being abusive, although both are not correct. They would think that being abused is just part of being married. It's a pity for the children to experience that.
• United States
3 Mar 09
In my opinion, no one is martyr in this time generations. If i am physically abused to my husband and have kids I guess i need an action on that. I know that my children needs a family to grow up with mother & father but as i said if i am abuse physically and emotionally. I wont let my child to show or grow up like that kind of family so they will not be like that in future or they don't hate their father co'z of me. So, I leave the abusive husband and in the right time i can explained my children why we aren't get together their father co'z we not understand each other before.
• Philippines
12 Mar 09
Believe me, there are still many martyrs in this world. They all come from all walks of life and they have different reasons why they can leave their abusive husband. I have a very beautiful and successful in her career as a doctor friend who has been abused, verbally, emotionally and physically, by her husband but never had that guts to leave her man. For what reason? She loves her. . . i just don't know if it includes the beating. LOL
@syankee525 (6293)
• United States
3 Mar 09
the kids should be the main reason to get out of the marriage if the wife is being abuse in anyway because for one: the girls will end up being with a guy who does the samething to her because mom is taking it off the father, so she going to think it's alright to be with someone who abuse her in any ways. and the boys will think ok this is away for guys to treat to female because dad is doing it, and mom is taking it from him no matter how bad he beats her. and it will and can cause lot of emotional behavor to the kids, the whole thing can destoried the kids in so many ways. so my thing is what i tell females is get out of it not just for themselft but for the kids. but like my mom told me long ago, you treat females how i would want my dad to treat her, or how i would want any other guys treat my sisters, female cousins. that what i always live by. and tought my son the same thing. but she needs to get out, you hear so many times how a husband killed his wife due years and years of abuse. but he can always come and see me, and pretend i am a female. lol. but i hit back
• Philippines
3 Mar 09
I believe in what you're saying. History will reapeat itself. If the children will see their mother being abused everyday by their father, chances are these children will think that being abused or abusive is just an ordinary or a natural consequence of being married. It would be difficult for them to distinguish which is right and which is wrong.