Passing On The Family Name
@danishcanadian (28954)
Canada
March 5, 2009 10:25pm CST
A Question for all the FATHERS out there.
I've always elieved that passing the family name on through the male line only is a sexist tradition. I ended up taking my mother's birth name legally as a way to reclaim my Danish heritage on my Mom's side (my Canadian heritage is obvious since I was born here). I did not take my husband's name when we got married.
For me I thought the idea of being passed from father to husband in that way was absolutely appalling, and sexist.
it's recently come up with my Dad, that he feels slighted for me not using his name. I'm MARRIED now! Don't fathers usually have to cope when girls take their husband's name?
When I was single I sometimes used a hyphenated version of DadsLast-MomsLast, but when I got married something occured to me. In NAME husands take on the head-of-household role in the way their wives FATHERS did, and the idea of having my Dad's name but not my husband's (which we agreed I woudln't take anyway) struck me as unfair. Why would I give one equal treatment I would not give another? No husband are not fathers, but the name tradition sure makes them look the part sometimes.
Fathers, what is the big deal with the family name anyway? Would it be a slight to you if one of your children, or even all of them (and they're their mother's children TOO!!!) decided to do something untraditional?
In my family my sister kept our birth name when she got married, and I took my mother's maiden name while still single. So each of our parents has one child with their birth name, a name that will be engraved on our memorial stones and plaques.
Thoughts?
3 people like this
7 responses
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
6 Mar 09
Different countries have different traditions and, any time someone does something that flies in the face of tradition, there are going to be questions and possibly hurt feelings. In the U.S. the tradition is to take the last name of the male. I don't see it as sexist though...it's just the way it's always been. There are cultures where the family line follows the woman, too. My opinion, though, is that one should be free to do whatever one wants to do. My youngest daughte wanted to take my husband's name when she was under 18 but her father would have had to give up his rights and she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Now that she's 18 she can legally change her last name and she wants to change it to my husband's.
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
6 Mar 09
You're right, as long as people are doing what they want. The sexist part comes in when it is EXPECTED that we conform to a tradition that was started by men who once owned their wives as they owned their slaves, and that the believers in that tradition pick on the non-believers. Were someone to jump in here and start a discussion called "my daughter tossed me off, and took her mother's maiden name. Why would she do that?" it would be a nice public place where the person could get a generalized answer from people not directly involved in the situation.
The more people who fly in the face of a tradition and do what they want, the less pressure there will be. Your daughter is obviously doing what is right for her, and likely for her own reasons too. Wonderful! Some people will stick to tradition for their own reasons, but when SO MANY people stick to one tradition, minority peopole who choose not to end up being pressure to conform, are guilted, are pestered, etc.
Why can't everyone just do things for THEIR OWN REASONS?
Your response was greatly appreciated.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
6 Mar 09
Yeah, it's a total MAN THING, and it drives me nuts. It's the same as saying "if he had a younger son, his older daughters would be less honourable." Not said literally, but the name thing does a fine job of conveying that message.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
17 Mar 09
it is a big deal to whomever it is a big deal too, if your father felt slighted it is a valid reaction, when you have something that is a big deal to you, you know how you feel so this is how he feels.
For you taken the his name is a big deal,
for him not taking it is just as much a big deal,
both are big deals to the people who feel that way.
1 person likes this
@Vladilyich1 (1454)
• Canada
6 Mar 09
I agree that it is a totally foolish tradition rooted in patriarchy. One of my sons took his maternal grandfather's name...no big deal. Three of my kids took my second ex's new husband's name. Again, no biggie.
Anybody who does a genealogy search in N. America on "Bennett" will quickly discover we bred like rabbits...there are way too many of us here.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
6 Mar 09
Your point of view will come in extremely handy the next time a "certain someone" gets on my case. With so many kids (and a few sons in there) who are not using "your good name", and you not worrying a bit about it, our point will be well proven.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
3 Apr 09
It is wild that yo8u a feminist and I a total male chauvinist can agree. To me, the Only reason to marry is to blkend my family with his and my duty is to have a male heir. So of course I would have to add his name. That's why I will never marry. I think if a daughter wants to further the family name, these days it is so easy, just put your maiden name on the birth certificate.If I were to marry without having to have kids, I would hyphenate my last name with my new name. That way I celebrate my dad and my husband at the same time.Marriage is meant to sexist.My husband would rule. so to me I would expect to lost everything, my name and my freedom. I told you i have a very, very old fashioned view of marriage.I don't mean to pry , are you yiur dad's only child?
