When a trust is broken, how do you put the pieces back together?
March 21, 2009 2:11pm CST
There are times when I curse myself for being so deeply in love. I have always been this conservative lady, who dreamed of marrying the first guy I fell in love with. Of course it didn't happen. Why? Because he ruined my trust when he cheated on me. However, stupid in love as I was back then, I took him back with all my heart. A month later, he crushed my heart again. Our relationship was like a broken record - things happened over and over again. Would you believe it lasted for 7 years?I had always believed I am a lot stronger now. I'm even grateful for the pains he caused me because I can now easily swing from one relationship to another. I had three boyfriends after I ended my nightmare. None of those three men even made me shed a tear. Oh yes, I thought I was so strong. Not until earlier today. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned the faucet on to let the water flow, and sat on the toilet seat for more than an hour - crying. Last year, I let myself be swept away by my boyfriend's melodic voice. We both didn't expect we would end up living together. Both of us didn't believe in love anymore, until it hit us. In the beginning everything was so lovely. My friends noticed I had gotten prettier. And I would beam at them with my dreamy eyes and tell them how wonderful it is to be in love. Until one day, I accidentally read one of the text messages on his cellphone. It was from this woman whom he was dating with when I stepped into the scene. It was 12 in the midnight when his cellphone went off. He was lying deeply asleep, and I was fully awake because I failed to go to work that day due to body pains (we have different days off, by the way). The text was a psychological explanation about why a person hugs a pillow while he/she sleeps. The last line of the text message fired up all the fury in me. It was a hanging question: Who will you think of when you hug your pillow tonight? That woman was very much aware that we are living together, and she still has the guts to ask that question? Not to mention that she sent it in the middle of the night!Questions start filling in my head. It was his day off, I shouldn't even be with him on that day hadn't I called in sick. I browsed through the inbox and sent items on his cellphone and there they were; evidence of their text messages whenever he's spending his days off. I felt like stabbing and choking him that very moment but being the lady that I am, I waited to discuss it patiently with him. He apologized and promised he won't do it again, and that nothing's going on between them..yada..yada..yada.. Guess what? I believed him. And guess what again? the same incident happened over and over again. But today, it was rather different. I had read his chat log about his vacation leave being approved. And the day was plotted on one of my days off. And he never informed me about it. So, as usual, I tried casually to ask him about it and why he failed to tell me. In the end I was screaming on top of my lungs from all the kept and restrained emotions I have inside me. I wanted to throw things at him for giving me those beautifully-woven excuses he has. He tried telling me it was his surprise for me. Because he wants to spend my off with me. Now I'm furious at him and he's mad at me for "snooping" around his things and for not believing the "truth" he was telling me. I can feel my heart being beaten up all over again. I let all my tears flow - a sign of helplessness. I am trapped - trapped by my emotions. For I still love him. But now that the trust is gone, I don't think our relationship will survive. With all those things I had gone through -a lady who had acquired a phobia with her trust being broken all over again; will you put the blame on me now that our relationship is coming to an end? He said had I not snooped around his email, there won't be an argument between us. For his VL was intended to be a surprise. Should I open my heart once more? I find it so hard to do. That is why I am asking all of you....how should I put the broken pieces of my trust back together?
4 people like this
21 Mar 09
Sometimes you need to say no and move on. because it will just happen again it will just be a repeated cycle. love yourself more. there is someone out there who really deserves your love. prayer will help you decide with it. its just my honest opinion my dear. for me, if you will continue with the relationship you might just have health problems, you know. being healthy roots from happiness.
• Pune, India
21 Mar 09
well i wudnt want to comment on this one.. but i know its a difficult time for you.. bute remember one thing. its a beautiful feeling to be in lov. to trust someone. to know u can depend on someone and you wont have to say a thing. but u cant stop trusting pple just because sumthing has gone wrong with sumone. the world is big enough for u to find someone even more beautiful and even more trustworthy. so do not stop trusting pple.
22 Mar 09
im sorry to read what happened to u sis... is the man who broken ur heart is ur the same ur first love too? yes its so hurt when someone u love hurting u many times, i've been like u too... but i dont think u should give him another chance anymore, cos u already gave him a lot of chances before... just remember experience is the best teacher, i dont think that i have my right to tell u to do this or that, but u can decide what is the best to urself, cos only u and God who know the real u... but dont forget to pray to God and tell Him all ur problems, He can help u with a lot of His way... but believe one thing, someday u'll find ur true love, a guy that respect and love u without any doubt, and u'll gonna love and respect him too, and both of u will have a big faith each other... God bless u always, sis... =)
22 Mar 09
I don't see a way to put the pieces back together until the time comes when you find a better person. and the only way to find a better person is to leave him, close the door to the past, throw away emails/photos/ anything that will remind you of him. and start a new. if this requires you to relocate, by all means do so. I don't see the point of blaming you, you have learned the hard way a few times. I just hope that you don't close your heart forever because that is what these losers are trying to do to you. make you feel miserable, lonely, unwanted, doesn't deserve love etc. get yourself together and make the move forward. I hope you will find this person that you deserve and deserves you, then your broken trust will be mended, no more scattered pieces. crying and venting are normal, it's good to let off steam. good luck!
22 Mar 09
Hi chopchop, Yes, when the trust has been broken it is hard, extremely hard to restore it back. But, in thise world, those kind of things are common, especially in a relationship. Anyway, it is all depends on oneself. If you think that particular relationship worth saving, then save it, if not, might as well start a new one. To trust someone in your case might take some times, but the pain will heal. Later on when you meet someone who is worthy for your heart, aren't you gonna start to put the pieces back for him? To me, everything that happened in life has a good and bad. For your case, you are lucky to have seen it earlier, take it positively and carry on. Life must go on no matter what, and let time mend your broken trust and may someday you will meet someone worthy of your trust.
22 Mar 09
I believe it's hard to rebuild the trust beween you. You're the hurt one. If your boyfriend is really care about you and not willing to lose you, he should be frankly to you and apologize to you. Think about it and make out a wise desicion.
22 Mar 09
Hi, The broken pieces maybe replaced, but the 'scar'will remain.Once TRUST is broken,it is never same again.But U donot have any choice.Give him a chance again,b'cz U love him.Try to be not inquisitive, but be alert that he does not take U for granted. Last chance for the sake of relationship, but TRUST(invisible) thread has vanished. =Lahiri,Kolkata,India.
• United States
22 Mar 09
I think you know the answer to this one. I can't tell you what to do here because there are no easy answers. I can say once trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. You will always be suspicious of him even if you go back to him. This is something you can't just put behind you. He most likely would do it again. You don't deserve that! No one deserves that. I am sorry this happened to you and I hope whatever happens you heart heals. I know most these answers you got you probably did not want to hear. He should not even been talking to this other woman now that he was with you.
• United States
22 Mar 09
If youreally want to have the trust back, and so does he, the only way I know to do it is to not keep any secrets from each other. You have to both be completely honest about everything and spend your time together doing things together. It takes a long time, but it can be done when both of you really want it. You both have to put the past behind you and not look back on it, or refer to it when a disagreement arises. You have to start fresh, and really work hard together. If one or both of you cannot or will not put forth the effort it takes, then you may be better off parting ways. I know that I used to have some major trust issues with my husband. He did some things that caused me to lose trust in him. He never cheated, but he told me many lies, and some that pertained to really important and life-changing situations. It took a while, but finally, we talked about it all. We both came to the conclusion that we love each other and want to make it work. So, from that point on, we try our best not to mention what happened before, and we are honest with each other even when we know the other person may be upset. For us, it has worked wonderfully. We have grown as a couple and as a team. We can look at each other and honestly say that we love and trust each other.