I did not cry on my father's funeral
By beautiful58
@beautiful58 (16)
Philippines
March 31, 2009 9:11am CST
Everyone loves to have a father, a mother, brother, sister, a family to call her own. But I, having been blessed with both parents and 6 siblings, gave so much love and got nothing in return. My bitterness started when I was given off by my parents to my grandparents and stayed in the rural area. I have nothing against the place because I can proudly say that I enjoyed watching birds, insects, animals, tasted a variety of wild but edible fruits, amazed by the wild flowers along the banks of the unpolluted river teeming with various kinds of fish, snails, clams, and leeches, why not. Perhaps, my bitterness is rooted out from my being separated from my family at a very tender age and likewise living unlike what my siblings do. I have to walk more or less 6 kilometers going to and from school whereas my siblings just do some walking and then they are at the school. My younger sister was crowned as Queen in one of the town festivities and everyone in the family rode with her in her beautifully adorned float except me. Why? I don't have nice clothes like them and I am the ugly duckling. Occasionally, I play chess with my younger sister. I don't really know how to play chess but my sister does. I don't even know what moves to take and yet, our father who was watching us, instead of coaching me, coaches my sister. I just kept silent, bowed my head so they won't see me silently crying. In high school, I could not even have pictures as souvenirs because my parents would scold me, saying it's just a waste of money. My bitterness grew uo with me until the day my father died. On the day he is to be buried, everyone surrounded his casket, crying while I opted to stay at the back of the house, people being curious of my reaction. I told myself my bitterness should be buried with my father, but can not do so. Please help me get out of this misery. How could I totally eradicate my bitterness when my siblings continuously ignore me, or am I just an attention-seeker, still searching for that most coveted love that my family continuously deprive me of? I don't think I don't deserve this, after all I've been a good child to them.
1 person likes this
3 responses
@klaudine (3650)
• Indonesia
31 Mar 09
I am so sad for you. I know how the bitterness would feels like because I have felt the same before, fortunately, solved before any of my parent die (they're still alive for now though).
The only way to let go the bitterness and make yourself feel better is to talk about your feeling to someone. Talk about it until you can't talk about it. Since you can't talk about it to your father, try to tell your mother about your feeling, tell your siblings, tell anyone. Tell your shrink, tell your partner. If you need to, yell at them.
Trying to let go your emotion can be good sometimes and you would need it.
1 person likes this
@wonttakelong (3555)
• United States
31 Mar 09
that is so sad how you had to grow up without the love and attention of your parents bt yet your siblings got all their love and attention
i dont think you are an attention seeker at all
you deserved their love just as much as your siblings did
you should get rid of the negativity and bitterness though because it isnt healthy for you to carry it around with you
you could try writing down on pieces of paper things that angered you and then one by one burn the pieces of paper
when you burn them you should visualise the negative feelings leaving you and floating away with the smoke of the burning paper
just the act of writing things down is therauetic
I wish you all the best in your life to come
may it be a better experiance than that of the past
1 person likes this
@pretty_babe (704)
• New Zealand
6 Apr 09
Hi beautiful58.
I feel so sad for you, especially growing up without the love and so on. Hope you can get through your hurt so you can carry on with your life.
Catch ya later
pretty_babe
