give me three reasons to stay and three reasons to go.

United States
April 10, 2009 5:15pm CST
i can not figure out what to do i have been thinking on this for 6 months and still do not know the answer . my daughter that lives in calif has three children i have never seen. i just met with her for the first time sense she was a year old . i have taken ever thing very slow.she is now 23 . i am 45 and have triplet boys that are 6 years old thay are my whole world.she wants me to come and see har next month in calif . i am afraid to fly and have very little time. i can not afford to take my boys .i know this means alot to her and i know being here for my boys means alot to them. i do not want to hurt any one and would miss my boys dearley.what if the plane crashed and i never did see them again? i am so very confused please help me decide time is growing near for me to tell her if i will come or not.thanks so much for helping with this there is so many people that could be hurt if i do not make the right desicion.
2 people like this
8 responses
• United States
11 Apr 09
Reasons to Go: 1. You get to start a connection with your daughter that she deserves to have with you. You shouldn't play favorites with your boys just because now you spend more time with them. You should of taken the time to be with your daughter even if its not 6 right now. 2. You are more likely to die in a car crash than on an airplane. If it happens, it happens, and there is nothing you can do about it but you shouldn't live your life thinking what if and never taking any chances. 3. Your boys can survive without you for a few days. Sometimes a kid needs to be away from their parents so therefore they don't become fully dependent on them. You don't need to go for a long time, even a few days will mean more to her than those few days you have with your boys because they see you every day. Reasons to Stay: 1. You want to be cheap 2. You want to be a deadbeat mom who refuses to spend time with her daughter because of a new toy (aka sons) 3. You hate your daughter.. I mean honestly is it that tough of a decision?
• United States
12 Apr 09
yes it is she is in her 20 and my sons are 6 years old with a father that does not always treat them well.if they were to get hurt while i was gone this would really be a bad thing.and as far as cheap i would love to take them along with me but it will cost about 3000.00 dollars that i can not aford.my main concern is geting acall that my boys were neglected while i am gone. so yes it is that hard. and just to let you know i am the best mother you would ever meet buddy so be real careful of what side of me you walk on.thanks for the response.
• United States
12 Apr 09
Seriously... from Virginia to California I can find roundtrip tickets for about $300 a piece. It doesn't ahve to cost $3000 unless you want nonstop. Plus you shouldn't have to stay in a hotel if you're visiting your daughter. There has to be some relative that you can leave your sons with for a weekend or whatever. It doesn't just have to be the father and I sure to god hope that you are not still with the man if he is going to neglect his sons. There is so many options out there you just have to love your daughter enough to care. And if you can't find that reason to actually go and be there - then yes you are being a deadbeat mom. There is no two ways about it and you are just as bad as your boys' father that neglects them. You are neglecting your daughter by refusing to go just once. Its not like she is asking much out of you. My uncle lives out in California and he makes it HIS PRIORITY to come visit my grandparents at least 4-5 times a year because he feels that they deserve it. And they make sure they try to fly out there at least once a summer. So don't start stuff about there being no way - you are just looking for excuses.
12 Apr 09
I disagree - she is not being a deadbeat mum - just a mum who is being torn in two directions. Imagine how she feels about not seeing her own daughter for so long, it would make her not want to make the same mistake with her sons, even for a short time. At the same time she wants to make up to her daughter and her grandchildren she has met in some small way. Dear anotherxidentity, I have looked at this from all angles and can see the only solution is to search all you can and find out some way you could take the boys with you. Here are some ideas I have thought of: Your family - they live apart from you, but how close are you in heart. Would they give or loan you some money? Go by land. Would this be cheaper even if it would take longer and be tiring? Charity - are there any charities that help parents who want to meet up with estranged children? Charity again - you might find this too degrading but you could tell your story to a local paper. Some stranger might be moved enough to help you out. Save money. It could take years. i don't know what your financial situation is like, but if you could cut your bills by $20 a week you would have the money in about 3 years. Easier to do than you would think, just by cutting out a few non-essentials or buying cheaper brands, buying clothes less often etc Put your thinking cap on!
@bunnybon7 (41930)
• Holiday, Florida
14 Apr 09
im sorry but i think you owe it to her to either visit or bring her for a visit. you dont have anyone to care for your sons? its not a given that you'll crash. also it would let her know just how much you care that you would face your fears for her benefit,why would she not come visit you?
• United States
14 Apr 09
hi bunnybon7 she came to minnesota in feb on business and i did drive there which was 5 hours away with my three sons in a ice storm. she had 4 hours she could spend with us. we paid for a motel all night and the travel there and back. her company paid her way here. i dont think she has the money to come here and i think the idea of me going there is to visit the three grand children i have never seen.she can not aford to bring them here and i can not aford to bring mine there.i ask if she thought she would ever move closer and she did not think so because of her job.that was the first time i had seen her sense she was a year old . she looked exacley like me espeacially her eyes and she is avery strong women like me.the only thing i noticed was that she had a chin ring and some tatoos which is some thing i have preached to my boys to never get. just a lot of life style diffrences. she said that is the way it is in calif.
@bunnybon7 (41930)
• Holiday, Florida
15 Apr 09
oh i see. then she should not be hurt if you tell her you have to save enough money to be able to bring the boys and have a place to stay. i wonder why she will not have you all stay with her? she should also give a little in this relationship. she has children of her own so should be adult enough to understand a lot of this.
• United States
15 Apr 09
yea i have always wounder why she has not offered for us to stay there. but i do not want to invite my self. i told her she was welcomrd to come here when she was on business. but she said they were not alowed to leave the area which was understanable. but still i thought i would offer .there has also been a few step mothers in volved and now her dad has moved out with anew woman and she has not goting along with the step moms. i dont want to be thrown in these womens face to get back at them. i do not know them maybe they are perfecley nice ladys. do you understand what i am saying when i dont know what i am walking into?
• Philippines
10 Apr 09
Yes why dont you ask your daughter maybe she could help you with the fare. You just met your daughter one time. Im sure she really miss you a lot and want you to be a father to her even just once. It's hard to grow up without a father. If you didn't show up to her she might feel that she's not important to you. And as you said your triplet are your life which means you daughter is less important to you but you don't want to hurt her. And why you worry about the plane crash? Just pray before you leave and have faith that nothing bad is gonna happen. Trust in God everything you do. Just remember your daughter is still your daughter.
• United States
10 Apr 09
thanks angelbelle- i am her mother i know that is diffrent isint it? usually it is the father that has not seen there child but not in this case.maybe some people that were raised with out there parents can come up with some good answers. but also some input from parents that have children that they have not been away from .
• Philippines
11 Apr 09
ahehe, im sorry i thought you're a father. Well, maybe you can tell your daughter that you can visit her when your triplets are older enough to be left home. Dont you have someone to look after for them? There's a lot of ways when you want to do something but there's a lot of reason when you dont want to do the thing.
• United States
12 Apr 09
i wish there was some one i could trust with them but no all of my family lives in mississippi and i live in south dakota. and i dont think my husband will be able to get along with my boys for that long. he treats one really good and the other two not as good. but some times he does not get along with the other one.so i dont think i could leave them here with out me.
• India
13 Apr 09
Hello my friend deedeehall Ji,[b][/b] I think, I have alraedy made respoonse to this discussion and do not understand, how it has appeared again. You must visit them at each and every cost. May god bless You and have a great time.
• United States
14 Apr 09
thanks for the advice . i will think on it. i know i will not leave my boys and that does not mean i am shealtering them it just means i am protecting them.the cost of flying is so high it is crazy. i think if i try to save for a few months i might be able to swing it. but thats another thing my daughter has had a few step mothers and if she does not hear what she wants to hear she gets upset. and i am not handleing that well. i do make sure the boys have astable life and they are not allowed to talk back to people or throw fits if they do not get there way. i ahave to be careful what i bring them in to.just because she is my daughter does not mean i do not need to be careful.we do not know one another well. regardless of what any one thinks.
1 person likes this
• India
15 Apr 09
Hello my friend deedeehall Ji, So nice of you for taking positive steps. Your thoght to consider is a great gate-way for your better relationship as well as for coming future generations in your family. May god bless you and have a great time.
@VANILLAREY (1473)
• India
12 Apr 09
There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Just be brave and take the trip. Go and meet her and both of you will be happy. Just think about good thoughts and the good time you will have as a family and all fears will go away.
• United States
12 Apr 09
this is for anotherxidenity. first of all i do not live in virgina i live in south dakota and she lives in calif.second of all there is no one and whan i say no one i mean no one i can leave my kids with. i have triplets that are six years old and i have checked in to how much it would cost to fly them. second of all my daughter has not offered for us to stay there. i did mention we would not have transportation when we fly there. she just said i could rent a car. i am looking out for my little guys i am not flying them to a strange town and them end up on the street some wher with nothing. i do not know my daughter that well so i do not know how things will be.so untill you have been in my shoes then you give me a break.i was a teenager when i had my daughter and i am in my 40s now. because i am not perfect like you i made a mistake at a young age. i am now 40 and wiser and do not want to make the same mistakes. i guess i dont understand what is up with the anger you are displaying about this subject.are you even a mother?if not o guess i do not consider you worthey of jugeing me.
• United States
12 Apr 09
thanks to the rest of you for all of your suportive words . i will think on this long and hard.i just not want to end up in calif with three small children on the street that will just be a very stupid choice.
• United States
10 Apr 09
i will only make you more confused, but i will try reasons to go: to see your daughter you havent seen in a long time , see you grand children you havent met not to go, you cant aford it, your boys need you, why dont you see if she can bring the kids to you.
• United States
10 Apr 09
i dont think she can aford it either. not for all of them to come along . when you think ,about it air fair is really high.i just dont know what to do.
12 Apr 09
How far away do you live? Could you go by bus? It may take longer and be very tiring but if it is cheaper would this mean you can take the boys too?
11 Apr 09
You could stay and it would niggle on your conscience for years to come and you would be bitter underneath and possibly resent others for being there in your life and stiopping you - you you could go, have a marvellous time and come back refreshed and happy - glad you went and also glad to come back to people you love
• United States
12 Apr 09
i know i feel quilty for leaveing my boys here with there dad he will yell at them the whole time for no reason at all. i wish i could bring them they could use a break also.
@suzzy3 (8352)
11 Apr 09
You are tearing yourself in two you poor thing.Listen to me the plane won't crash ,the boys will still love you,you will still love them.You have got a daughter that wants to be a part of your life with three kids ,I would say you are a pretty lucky lady.You are bound to feel nervous but you will be fine as long as the boys are left with someone trustworthy.You have to do this ,if you don't you will regret it for the rest of your life.You are not deserting your boys you are having a holiday a bit of a break that is all.Good luck and enjoy yourself ,if by some chance it all goes pear shaped come home,you have lost nothing,but you have so much to gain.Much love suzzy3xx
• United States
12 Apr 09
thanks suzzy i am really worried about my boys i know of any one close to me to help with them. all of my family is in mississippi and i am in south dakota. this is what is really holding me back. it woukd cost me almost 3000.00 dollars to fly all of us.