When do you feel safe enough to share your news?
By lisado
@lisado (1227)
United States
April 19, 2009 8:37pm CST
I am scared to death. My husband and I have been thru infertility treatments with no sucess. I managed to get pregnant, including this time, by "accident". Out of 6 pregnancies, only one was because of fertility treatments. None of the other treatments ever worked for us. The one time it did work, however, we lost the baby.
I found out this past week I am pregnant for the 6th time, but we only have two children. The other three babies were miscarried. My 1st, 3rd and 5th were miscarried. My 2nd and 4th gave us our sons. This time is #6, and I am praying that this time, another "even" number, also gives us another miracle. How crazy is that? I'm playing the "odds" now? UGH!
When do you feel safe enough to share without feeling like you are jinxing the pregnancy? I lost #1 and #3 at 7 weeks. #5 was lost at 12 weeks, literally the day after I felt safe enough to share our news. I want to share our news so badly, I am at 5 weeks now, but am scared to death that I will somehow cause something to happen. I am 37 years old now, old enough that the doctors start hassling me because my age makes me "high risk", not to mention that I had gastric bypass surgery almost 4 years ago, plus the fertility and pregnancy problems I've had. OBs cringe when I show up at their office.
I don't know. I'm afraid to get excited, even though I want to. I want to tell the world, but I'm afraid that something will happen if I do. I don't want to go thru the hurt of having to tell people something happened again. The heartbreak of losing a baby is bad enough, much less having to let family know, most of which have never lost a baby, that you lost the baby and having to hear "you can try again", "there will be another baby", and all of the other things people say when they don't know what else TO say, not knowing that it kills me a little more inside when they say it. They mean well, but it makes things worse.
When can you let go and be happy to be expecting? When can you share your news?
3 people like this
5 responses
@chulasa (69)
• Philippines
20 Apr 09
I might not understand you well about hiding your pregnancy and miscarriage. It's not your fault and as to how I read your post I don't think you intentionally try to lose your babies. But I know why you felt that way, people tend to become judgmental and pretend to know everything about such situation. They just don't know how hurt the person who's trying to conceive but had to face the reality that they lost the baby.
I just hope you can do well this time, be strong and take a lot of care...
@lisado (1227)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Thanks. I don't try to lose the babies, but for some reason, sometimes people almost act like I DID lose the babies on purpose since it's happened more than once. It's crazy. I honestly didn't think miscarriages were big deals, either, until it happened to me. I thought, heck, they barely knew they were pregnant, never felt it move or anything so what is the big deal. Just get pregnant again, right? When it happened to me I finally understood how much of a big deal it was and how devistating it could be, not to mention the fear of it happening again. Even my first OB said "you can always get pregnant again". You'd think an OB would know better, but I guess not. It took nearly 7 years for me to get pregnant again, and then we weren't sure that it would happen because of failed infertility treatments. I wanted to hunt that doctor down and clock him for saying that to me.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for your input. This is one of the scariest things I've had to deal with and being able to ask for help and talk things out here really helps. :)
@Tamarama34 (240)
• Canada
20 Apr 09
After my first two miscarriages, I decided to not say anything.
I still miscarried.
I'd honestly opt for waiting until after the 12 week mark (3 months seems safe)
I felt humiliated when I had to tell everyone we were no longer pregnant and it
hurt so bad.
I pray this one goes well for you and I wish you the best.
@lisado (1227)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Thank you. I appreciate the support and understanding. My husband keeps asking why I don't want to let people know and why I don't really want to talk about the baby. He was there thru my miscarriages and such, as well, but he handles it all differently. I dunno. :*(
I know what you mean about feeling humiliated when you had to tell people about losing the baby. Only one other family member has ever lost a pregnancy (or child for that matter) so it looks like something is "wrong" with me because I lost them. They don't understand that even though I was less than 4 months along, it almost killed me each time I lost a baby. They weren't "embrios" or whatever to me. They were babies and I felt each loss deeply. Some people think that it shouldn't be a big deal to lose a baby that "early", but it is, especially since we wanted those babies and weren't sure if we'd ever have a chance to have another.
I waited until 12 weeks the last time and literally found out the day after I shared my news that the baby had no heartbeat. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Even after you tell people about your loss there is always someone, a month or two later, that didn't hear about the miscarriage and asks how the pregnancy is going, which causes hurt and humiliation all over again, for both parties.
@kareng (54894)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Oh wow, what news you have my friend! I hope everything works out for you guys. I know what you have been through and it can't be easy. I think that you will know in your heart the right time to make your announcement to close friends and family members. You are being pulled in both directions and that just causes more stress. Try to stay calm and take each day at a time. I'm excited for you, maybe a girl this time?
@mommaj (23112)
• United States
20 Apr 09
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We were so happy and we wanted to tell everyone the exciting news. Pretty much, we told all the family and two days later we called to let them know about the miscarriage. It was awful. Know exactly how you feel. When we got pregnant the second time I was so scared to tell anyone or even let anyone think I was pregnant. The doctor insisted that because my first miscarriage was so early that after the end of the third month like 14 or 15 weeks, we should tell everyone we were pregnant. He said most miscarriages happen in the first trimester and since my body rejected the pregnancy so early he was confident the second one everything would be fine if I got past the first trimester.
I know how hard it is to share something that could come back to hurt you later. Would it be better for you to share the pain than to keep it bottled up? If you don't tell anyone that your pregnant and you have the baby they will be surprised or if you lose the baby and your crying or moping no one will understand why and they will be mad you didn't tell them you were pregnant.
@rebelmel (1386)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Awe, that is terrible to hear! I am sorry that you are having a difficult time carrying babies to term. Many people have trouble in this area, and it is one thing I fear the most about potentially having children. You sound like a very strong woman, and I am glad that you have had two children thus far. A woman always knows what's going on with her body, so I think that you should go with your gut feeling and share the news when you think it is right. If something happens that changes the news, at least you have a loving family who will console you.
