Could or Would you ever find it in your heart to forgive someone who hurt you?

Canada
May 1, 2009 5:10pm CST
I will start off by saying that this will more then likely be a lengthy post my aopologies right from the start...I have to get into some background info for the topic that I'm posting! My STBX husband and I have been through alot together...We were very young when together along time ago and we have a 16 year old son together...He left me when our son was a baby and in the time period that we were apart he married a lady who went to school with my sister and they have a son together...I forgave him for that and we became great friends when they split up and eventually we got back together...I remember telling him that I felt he was unfair in saying his boys were enough that I wanted one more child of my very own...I didn't push him just let him know how I felt and left the ball in his court...He did come up to me one day and say you know what hun your right so what ever happens happens...We then had our daughter who will be 3 this month...I should say before she came along He started falling back into old patterns that split us up in the past but he seemed to handle it differently this time that I felt he really loved me this time.... In Oct of 04 he asked me to marry him after seeing his ex wife walking down the street at the time I didn't think anything of it...We had our daughter before we got married....I admit we had our ups and downs and I felt that we were getting through it...I made my mistakes and he made his and we admitted them in the beginning...But most recently he is playing the oh poor me victim game...All that have read my recent or even older posts knows that we lost a baby in 07 and how he walked out and has had nothing to do with me and gave up on councling etc etc...I've admitted my mistakes from day one...So my question is if he was in councling and gave you a call one day and talked to you and admitted and gave you the answers you need and tried to make up for past mistakes would you forgive that person?
3 people like this
13 responses
• United States
2 May 09
I have been away from my husband for almost 20 years now. I have forgiven him for a lot of things, some things I will never forgive him for. Like you we have become friends but I would never go back to him. I have just seen this to many times from different people, oh they swear that they have changed but in time they slowly go right back to their old ways. I just know that if we ever got back together that's what would happen in my case. Besides I like my life betters now without someone telling me what to do and where I can go all the time to take a chance of living like that anymore.
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
I hear exactly what you are saying and understand it completly that is exactly how my ex husband is...Well soon to be as soo as he signs the papers...It's a never ending cycle with him he changes but then goes back to his old ways it's over and over and never ending...The hard part for me is if he was in councling and actually changing that I would be scared that I would jump back in his arms!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 May 09
If he's already done this to you two times, I'd have to think about it real hard even if he was getting help. just take your time if this happens and don't rush right back into it.
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Yes he has done this to me two times...I thought he had changed but turned out I was so wrong I don't think at this point he will ever change but it's a cycle with him so I have my guard up..
1 person likes this
@larish (2193)
• Philippines
1 May 09
If I were in that situation, I think I have already done my best and would like to move on already. I think I can forgive him but I cannot take him back again. I don't think accepting him back into my life is a great idea. If I think he brings more misery than happy moments in my life, I am better off without him. I still would like to be optimistic that I deserve a better life without him. I would also think that I wouldn't have the chance to meet someone if he sticks with me.
2 people like this
• Canada
1 May 09
That is wonderful advice thanks for that and your right I'm much better off without him adding to my pain...Although one day I hope to get the answers I crave of how he could treat me in such a manner I'm not going to hold my breath or grasp for straws at this point lol
1 person likes this
@larish (2193)
• Philippines
1 May 09
You sound that you are a very strong woman. I am confident that you'll pass this trial with flying colors. Women nowadays has a very strong personality and I know you are one of them. Go,go, girl!
2 people like this
• Canada
1 May 09
That is so sweet to say and I thank you for that...Even tho I fall short on giving myself credit for being strong deep down I know I'm very strong person and can make it through anything life has to offer me...Also I lost her about a year ago when he walked out but I've found that strong me again and she is staying lol!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 May 09
all i can say is that "its easy to Forgive but hard to forget!" . i myself forgive someone who hurts me very much.. and until now i can still forget the things she have done to me... but im not mad anymore.. its just hard to forget you know.
2 people like this
• China
2 May 09
It is a wonderful expression I think .Yes it's quite right that ''It's easy to forgive but hard to forget ''.So if it is possible to hurt someone ,try not to do so ,only if can you find a better way to take ,yes? In my own private life ,I don't think I am one that is generous ,that means if I am hurt by someone on purpse I will never forgive him or her .But sometimes if others forgive me so easily ,even though I do something on purpose ,I will definetly forgive him or her and admire him or her .
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Yes so true we can forgive and I like you do not forget...The hardest part for me is being able to trust the person that hurt me again...I feel that if I forgive them I can move on yes but whose to say they won't do it again so I don't forget!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 May 09
there's a lot of apologize id already done in my life and a lot of apology i received as well!, by all through those people i forgave, it is so great!
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Yes apologizing for something you have done wrong and giving forgiveness to something done wrong to you or the other way around can be a wonderful feeling indeed!
1 person likes this
@GAUCI123 (1042)
• Malta
2 May 09
Well I will forgive him but I will not accept him back home for the sake of the kids.
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Yes that is my reasoning for not thinking I will ever take him back if it ever came down to it as he has put my kids through enough it's one thing to hurt me but they don't deserve the hand he is dealing them!
1 person likes this
@mvicky1 (49)
• China
2 May 09
I must forgive it. I don't want myself ungry!~~ forgive the faults,make comfortable for myself!
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Your a good person and your right!
1 person likes this
@flowerday (322)
• Singapore
2 May 09
hihi... of course, it is to good to forgive someone..as people always say, forgive and forget..but these words are so much easier said than done...we all know we need to and we must learn to forgive, but how many of us really forgive, really able to forget the hurt and pain the other party has inflicted on us and pretend nothing had happened and start all over again.. for me, it is really very hard..i always tell myself, just forget whatever that had happened and forgive the person..but it is really very hard, i just cant bring myself to do it... i read a book that talks about forgiveness...and it says that forgiving is actually good for your health..i dont know how true is it, but i do believe that forgiving someone will definitely make everyone feel better..afterall, it will definitely not feel good to hate someone.. to all those who have hurt me, i want to thank them..because they show me how cruel this world is..but i will forgive them..
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
What a wonderful way of looking at it....And I truly believe in forgiving someone it helps life a burden of hurt and pain off your shoulders and your only the bigger and the better person for it...Also hurt and pain people inflict can only be lessons to be learnt....
1 person likes this
@yoyozhou (356)
• China
2 May 09
Maybe it is a long story. You should forget that man and everything related to him.Just be happy and believe you will be better and meet a good man. I also had a boyfriend who was with me for six years. He is my first boyfriend.We parted and reconcile for many times.At last, I couldn't care this kind of life.I mean, at that time I could not look for a new guy because I must be loyal for him.On the other hand ,he never cared me.He just did what he wanted to do.Only when he needed me ,he would come to me. It was also a long story but I think I should change my life.I will be better and happier than before without him. So, pls just go out of this man's shadow and live your life.There are many people who care you and love you.
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
I truly believe you deserve better then your ex bf and I deserve better then my ex husband...Bad things happen in life but I truly believe it's what makes us stronger...I'm a good person I do have a low self-esteem but am working hard on that! thanks for your response!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 May 09
Forgiving doesn't always mean forgetting. Forgiving is allowing yourself to move on and find a good husband who will be good for you. I'm sure he's hard up on his luck, or feels the need to be enabled again so he's telling you what you want to hear. I can't judge if he's genuine, only you can but it does sound like he's played this game many times before. If it were me, I'd not take him back. I'd move on. My condolances on the loss of your daughter. I could not imagine the pain of loosing one of my children. Many blessings. Namaste-Anora
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Thanks for your response and I'm trying to do just that move on with my life and realize I deserve so much better then my ex husband has delt me...I guess I ended up in his circle for so long for a time I felt I did deserve it! Thank-you as well for your condolances on my daughter with time it gets easier!
2 people like this
@grammasnook (1875)
• United States
2 May 09
Forgiving him is the only way you can move ahead in life. We are all humans and make mistakes some of us learn what they are right away and others need a few lessons. I wish you luck with the closure that you are seeking to continue your life
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
Yes that is true and maybe with soul searching deep down I can...Thanks for your response
1 person likes this
@PRACYCE (49)
• United States
2 May 09
Yes I did already in life and it wasnt good but i am glad i did cuz I love ma baby
2 people like this
• Canada
2 May 09
I know forgiveness can be very healing even if I never take him back and I have no plans on doing it at this point as I've put up with enough I can still try and forgive him...That's if he ever talks to me!
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 May 09
Honestly hun I have known you for YEARS! I know his pattern; he's good for a while and then goes right back to his old patterns! He constantly hurts you and the kids and how is that fair? Why should you not only have to pick up the pieces for yourself but your kids pieces too? He doesn't see the heart breaking looks, the tears, and then them acting out! I really don't like him at all for my own reasons, but I also don't like him for what he has done to you and your kids!
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 May 09
I really hope that one day he gets the help he needs and can change for the better I guess my heart is having tough time letting go and hopes that he will come to his senses but I know that I can't chance going down that path with him again!
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 May 09
I hope he gets the help he so desperately needs too because I still think that he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong and that he's an angel! I am glad to hear that you wouldn't go down that road again because you deserve better then that and I really think that the damage has already been gone. A person can only forgive so much and I think your past your point and as I pointed out earlier the kids would be paranoid he'd leave again as they now have abandonment issues! I also think you'd be scared too that if the going got tough he'd high tail again!
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 May 09
Yes I would always have that in the back of my mind that if the going got tough he would run again....I just hoping that if the time ever comes that I can stand my ground and not be suckered into his world again!
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
3 May 09
I think it is always better to forgive and make up with people. It will lessen the stress in your life. Hatred is always a negative thing to have in your heart. We can only hope that he doesn't fall into the same pattern again and he does, you just have to stay away from him again. He should be able to overcome his problems unless he is too stubborn to change his mentality. Maybe a good discussion of what you expect will make things better for both of you.
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 May 09
I think that is all I can really hope for at the point is that one day he will talk to me and tell me the truth that I can put it behind me but until then I'm holding my head high and moving on with my life!
1 person likes this