Is There A Balance Between Intimacy and Abandonment
By Brian
@wolfie34 (26770)
United Kingdom
May 4, 2009 3:43pm CST
I wonder if I am the only person who has a strange predicament when being with someone special, I can't seem to find a 'middle' ground and it may be why I have difficulty in having a steady relationship with anyone
The problem with me is that I both fear intimacy and abandonment and seems to me that it's virtually impossible to find any middle ground
I have been doing a lot of work on myself of late and I have come to the conclusion that in past relationships I have enjoyed and relished the chase and certainly enjoyed the honeymoon period whether it's lasted one night or three weeks
Then the itimacy v abandonment scenario comes up
If my partner is all over me, like ringing me every day or wants to be with me 24/7 or is too suffocating then I withdraw and go 'cold' and I tend to get frightened off
Yet if my partner starts to flirt with others, is erratic when they want to see me, doesn't tell me often enough that they want to be with me, flatter me with compliments, lie to me and give me empty promises straight away I fear abandonment and again I lose interest in them because they are 'playing games' with me
Can you explain it? Is it insecurity, is it lack of self-esteem or is it deeper rooted.
Do you suffer from the same problem or have you been in this predicament in the past and how did you deal with it
Does it put you off relationships for life knowing that every time you are faced with this problem?
4 responses
@mssnow (9484)
• United States
4 May 09
I think after being hurt by the one guy I truly trusted I pretty much push people away. The ones who try to get close i wont let them. So in a way its kind of the same with me as with you. I think when our trust gets broken or we get hurt it is just easier to keep people away than to let them get close and fear being hurt again. Hopefully Wolfie it will get better and we can find the RIGHT person for us. Hugs xxxxxooo
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26770)
• United Kingdom
4 May 09
Hiya Princess, with you all the way on this one as always ;0) Trust is a very difficult and uncomfortable concept isn't it. A tutor once told me that you keep people out but you also keep yourself locked in, sometimes you can't win, I err on the side of caution, sometimes love can hurt more than being lonely so it's easier to go for the more comfortable option. But I don't believe in the Mr/Mrs Right stuff that is fairytales to me.
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
7 May 09
Hi again wolfie,
It seems that lately you keeping starting discussion that hit close to home with me.
I think that every couple finds it challenging to reach that "middle ground". I think everyone has different "comfort zones" when it comes to intimacy and fear of abandonment.
It's truly a challenge for most couples, I suspect, to find that place where each person feels appreciated (even cherished) without feeling suffocated. I think communication, understanding and a bit of tolerance are key in working through this and making things work.
I'm going to mention yet another book. Some people have sworn by it and some may think it's not worth the read. I found it helpful in making me understand a few things. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. You've probably heard of it.
There is a part in there that talks about exactly what your describing. It talks about people NEEDING to pull away after getting close. It's actually normal. I think some of us just do it more than others. Sometimes we just need our space for a while...sometimes we just need to be given that space to "adjust" and then after a while, we're reading to "come back" and be intimate again. Make sense?
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26770)
• United Kingdom
20 May 09
I love the knowledge we can get from books, the trouble is I am great with theory, reading up about it, but putting it into practice is a whole different ball game! It's a happy medium isn't it between suffocation and isolation, or should that be a fine line between them and yes it makes sense thank you my friend! I think I am getting too profound in these subjects of late.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
6 May 09
That all sounds pretty hard to deal with and figure out Wolfie dear. I can relate to the beginning part then I become dissatisfied as we settle into a rut and all the excitement dwindles to nothing.
I think it's maybe because we constantly seek approval from those we love, our expectations are maybe a bit unrealistic and I guess low self esteem and insecurity could be at the bottom of it.
I think if I had to go through the abandonment scenario that I would just give the whole thing a miss. I guess that's where I am now....
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
7 May 09
Too right dear one...worse still, it can be very lonely sometimes even if you ARE involved. That turns quickly to absolute despair. I hope you feel better soon as I hate to think of you being at such a loss and unhappy. Life is too short. I hope you can find even one little thing to be happy about every day...there is always something positive even in the bad times you know...it's just hard to figure it out at times. You are a great guy and there is someone out there for you and meanwhile, you have your friends here who love you dearly...me included. xxx
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
7 May 09
I think you are like the rest of us.I think you just have not found the right partner yet that is all,just stop worrying so much.If they ring you all the time and pester you they are not worth having,if they flirt about they are trying to make you jealous they want you to pay them more attention,I tend to think you have not met the right one yet so don't worry just enjoy yourself and stop taking life so seriously,Take care.xx
@wolfie34 (26770)
• United Kingdom
7 May 09
I have this song in my head, 'I still haven't found what I am looking for' I can't remember off the top of my head the artist. I guess I am guilty of taking life too seriously I really need to use my humour more to get through it. Thanks my friend xx
1 person likes this
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
7 May 09
Great! thanks! Now I'm going to have that song stuck in MY head!
I forgot...who sings that? I'd take a guess, but I don't want to embarass myself.
Okay...what the heck! U2?
I must admit I felt a bit like you,then I met my husband and am really happy.The thing was I gave up looking and relaxed and there he was the man of my dreams.Sixteen years later we are still in love,so relax stop looking and your partner will find you.