Would you contact the deadbeat dad?
By CanadaGal
@CanadaGal (4304)
Canada
May 6, 2009 1:50pm CST
I have 8 year old twins, and twin A has some fine motor and gross motor issues. He's been to see some paediatricians and various doctors and agencies here in town. He's brilliant, and it's so sad to see how frustrated he gets when his muscles in his body just won't co-ordinate in the way most kids' his age do.
About a year ago, he was assessed for his fine motor issues, and given some occupational therapy to help deal with his writing. Basically, a special pencil grip to help him use just his fingers to write, as opposed to his entire arm.
After ages of waiting, he has an appointment next Friday morning with a Developmental Paediatrician here in town. This is GREAT news for him! He's really excited too, that he may get some help and suggestions to aid in his gross motor functioning.
I got some paperwork in the mail the other day, a long questionnaire to fill out, outlining my concerns for my son, and family background stuff, etc. Some of the questions ask about the parents, both natural mother and father backgrounds.
Obviously, I can answer about my background easily. However, I don't remember too much about their father's background. He's a deadbeat dad in most ways (he pays some financial support, but that's it).
Should I contact my sons' father to ask him the questions on the questionnaire? Or should I just go through his parents?
I'm siding more with only contacting the "outlaws", as we have a somewhat decent relationship now (monthly contact for them to take the boys to their house for the weekend, etc). My reasons for not wanting to contact my ex husband is because for one, I simply hate having to contact him for any reason, and two, I don't feel he has any right to know what's going on with the boys.. good, bad, or indifferent. He's chosen to not be a part of their lives, and I feel it's a privilege to have any info on them. But that view isn't necessarily in the best interest of my son in this situation.
Help please... comments and suggestions would be most welcome! 
7 people like this
13 responses
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
6 May 09
Knowing a fair amount about the situation, I will have to say, as another poster said, err on the side of caution. Ask both the outlaws AND nuckfuts for the info. Who cares who answers. It not about what what he has the right to know, its about what is best for your son. No matter what the past is he is still the father, he may have given up his right to make decisions, but he still has a right to know what is going on, what he chooses to do with that info is his problem not yours. You have full custody, nothing to lose, and only information to gain. If he comes through, then you get the info straight from the horses mouth so to speak, if he doesn't, well he's just confirmed what an a$$ he is yet again. If he calls and makes trouble its easy, hang up the phone, but you and I know he's not going to do that 'cause it would require too much effort on his part.
Take your emotions out of the equation my dear, and you'll know what is best. He has no power over you or your kids. I know you know this, just be sure you remember it. (insert any other slightly cryptic new age psychobabble you can think of)
4 people like this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
6 May 09
Fear, resentment, anger, all difficult emotions to overcome, and all perfectly valid in this situation. At the same time you KNOW he has no power over you, there is nothing to fear from him. The worst that will happen is he will make you angry, well even if you don't send it you will be angry at him for the response or lack of response you expected to get. So really sending it or not the end result is similar, just exactly what you are angry at him about changes. And there is always the slight (very very slight) chance he will respond with exactly the info you need and leave it at that.
3 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
6 May 09
It's true... no matter what he says or does or doesn't say or doesn't do, it ticks me off. 
And that's why he's nuckfuts.
And that's why he's nuckfuts.3 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
6 May 09
Thank you for your response. Your input on these parenting issues, especially when it comes to nuckfuts, is invaluable to me.
Ha.. .removing the emotions out of it is so much easier said than done. But I know you're right. But the fear triggers coming from this are so strong, even though the fears are so far fetched from what the reality is.
3 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
6 May 09
Hi CanadaGal, I really feel for you on this one as I have the same with my own sons father but I go through his sister as she seems to be the only sensible one in the family as I have to ask similar question as my son has hearing and speech difficulties which also affects his balance and am due to see a specialist within the next 11 weeks. I did in fact contact my sons father for his initial hospital assessment and he said he would come but didn't bother so now I don't other than to address a card etc at birthdays and Christmas. Not telling you what to do but my gut feeling is saying go through the 'outlaws', they will probably convey information to their son and if he genuinely concerned he will make contact. Good luck with it and I hope your son gets the best help he can in this situation. Huggles. Ellie :D
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
My boys are a bit older than your son, so they are at the point where they know very well that I've always been the one there for them, and that their dad was more than welcome to be a part of their lives, and that HE is the one choosing not to.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
6 May 09
Yes, you and I have some parallel situations in our lives with our exes... the father of our children and former lovers. lol.
Yup, without a doubt, I'll contact the outlaws. I doubt they'll tell their son about the email, should I choose to not contact him. Even if they did tell him, I can't see him having any genuine concern at all. I've had recent contact with him to help pay for orthodontist screening fees, and he didn't even ask how they are or what the outcome was.
3 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
6 May 09
It is so frustrating for us as mums but when our boys are grown at least we have done all we can and it is them asking the questions of the father rather than of us eh as, as mothers we have done all we can to allow them into their sons lives if they choose too. Huggles. Ellie :d
3 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
8 May 09
I would ask the grandparents. They would have much of the medical information that is necessary and they might also know the doctor. If they cannot give that, you may have to contact the father even though he is a scumbag. That motor issue your son has might be hereditary. You may have been carrying part of the gene and so has your ex, and also there might be this condition on the grandparent's side and they would know. It does not matter whether he is a creep. It is your child's welfare and health that is paramount.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
8 May 09
nuckfuts is adopted, and not much is known about his natural parents' backgrounds. I already have some information about them from 9 years ago, when the adoption registry information was needed for one of the other kids.
I did email the outlaws just yesterday, and have decided at this point ,not to contact the boys' father about this issue at this time.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
6 May 09
Since you are asking..............
always, ALWAYS err on the side of the best interest of the child.
Deadbeat, blah!! You are right, he doesn't deserve anything, but your son deserves the best you have to give him. Your son also deserves to see that one parent will do everything in their power to give him the best life.
3 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
6 May 09
That's why I'm bringing it on here... for reminders and validation. And trying to figure out in this instance, what IS best for the child? (because if I get ticked off at nuckfuts, and can't hide my discontent, that too, will affect my son).
2 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
6 May 09
You are absolutely right! You'll do the right thing, I'm sure of it.
3 people like this
@alharra (507)
• United States
7 May 09
Since the ex has chosen to walk away from his kids I wouldn't contact him. I am currently going through a somewhat similiar situation in that my oldest daughter has decided she wants to talk to her dad who walked out when she was 4 or 5. Let's just say that this contact has not been a good thing. If you can get the needed information from the child's grandparents do that. In the end it will be much easier both on you and the kids.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
I'm siding more with contacting only the grandparents too.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
Any kind of contact I have with nuckfuts brings up that fear. I don't want to see my kids continuously hurt by his failure to keep his promises of visiting.
1 person likes this
@mommaj (23112)
• United States
7 May 09
As you said, you need to do what is in the best interest of your son. It would actually be best to talk to the "outlaws" because in taking my son through his autistic testing they asked me background questions my husband didn't know anyway. I spoke to my mother-in-law and she was able to give us a better medical background. Your ex doesn't take any interest in the kids chances are good he didn't pay attention to who had what disease in his family. He probably wouldn't remember if his mom wore glasses or not. He's a guy. LOL. You can't expect him to when he doesn't pay attention to anything else that's important. Hope your son is okay.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
Those are excellent points.
I have emailed the grandparents now, and asked them to take a few days to think about the questions before replying, and reminded them that even the smallest little thing could help.
1 person likes this
@mommaj (23112)
• United States
7 May 09
This is true but it doesn't matter too much as long as his parents are his natural parents. Anything that is hereditary obviously they will either have or know that it is in the family. So if he has a disease that the grandparents don't have and don't know about being in the family chances are good it isn't hereditary. The mom can only hope the ex is suffering somewhere. LOL
2 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
8 May 09
Hey, is this bad baby daddy season or what lol? My suggestion is to contact the Outlaws. Like you said, he chose not to be in their lives beyond child support, and you are right not to give him any information about the kids because of that. Since he chose to only pay support, this issue is none of his concern as long as he is current in paying. I would ask the grandparents about the missing history, and keep stepping.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
8 May 09
That's what I've done... emailed the outlaws and asked them the questions. I despise having any contact with nuckfuts, and will go out of my way so I don't have to. It's better for ME emotionally, to have zero contact (although that's not possible entirely yet... sigh!).
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
7 May 09
Just ask the 'outlaws'. They are already involved in the children's lives so you have reason to contact them anyway. Plus, they would be more likely to know the answers to the questions you have anyway. Men are often daft. Then you don't have to contact him, when you clearly don't want to.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
I really really REALLY don't want to contact nuckfuts about this. Mostly because I don't think he has the right to know what's going on with the boys' lives. You get what you give, you know?
I did email the outlaws, earlier on today actually, and asked them the specific questions, and to mull them over for a few days before responding, in case they can think of some of even the smallest things.
1 person likes this
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
7 May 09
I believe if you have a good relationship with the grandparents that is where I would go for the information first. This way the stress won't hit you or your son at this time. You can both stay excited about this new appointment and how much it may help. Besides that it sounds like the grandparents would also enjoy the fact that something good is going to happen for him. So I believe they would be very willing to give you the information. If their son needs to know, let them contact him. Keep the stress from you and your son..
Hope that helps..
Praying that you get good answers when you take your son to the new appointment.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
Contacting just the grandparents is likely what I'll end up doing, and it's true that they can talk to their son about it all they want (although I doubt they will).
As for good answers at the appointment, I'm sure he'll have to go through an array of tests before they make any official findings. But it's a start anyways. :)
2 people like this
@harmonee (1228)
• United States
7 May 09
I know it's frustrating, down-right maddening, to have a parent that doesn't want to be involved, but I say call him anyway. If it were me, I wouldn't want to give this guy anything on me and holding back medical issues with his child seems like a pretty big deal. I know you think he probably won't care, but at least you know that you took the high road.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
I'm always taking the high road when dealing with nuckfuts.
I have had recent contact via email with him regarding orthodontic work that needs to be done on the twins, and his need to pay for half. He didn't even ask how the kids are, nothing.
Ugh! I'm letting my emotions override again.
1 person likes this
@mrzbreana (25)
• United States
7 May 09
i think you are so right...you are the mother and father!!! in right now im going thru the same stuff but diff. im preg and my baby daddy done even act concern... it doesent even seem like he has a son on the way in he had the nerves to tell me he want a jr its a privilege to have that too. in i really dont think he deserve it sooo my son will not be a jr..in i will be independent just like you my son is gone get taking care of with or without him and im sure its the same with you..bt either way you look at it he will do for his son if that mean put him on childsupport thats what is going to happing...
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
nuckfuts does pay child support, but that's the extent of his "parenting", if you even want to call it that. There is no social interaction, period.
Ideally, I would never have to contact him ever again.
2 people like this
@derlilaStern (1756)
• United States
6 May 09
If the grandparents are able to answer all of the questions, that might be the best option. It sounds like the father might interfere with the process somehow. That would definitely not be a good thing!
What is most important is that your son gets what he needs. Having new problems arise by bringing his father into it is definitely not what he needs!
Good luck with the questionaire. Hopefully the 'outlaws' are able to help you fill it out completely!
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
6 May 09
I know the grandparents (outlaws lol) will answer the questions for me, that isn't a problem. It's about whether or not it's a good idea for me to contact nuckfuts. I don't like these conundrums! lol!
1 person likes this
@holland1234566 (50)
• China
7 May 09
i feel sorry about your son's health issue, hope that he will become healthy and happy soon. As for contacting his deadbeat dad, i think that you would do anything you can for the best of your son, no matter what you have to do is not from your willing. Maybe you have come through much pain with your ex-husband, and you don't want to contact him any more. However, your son is the most important thing to you, so just do the best thing for him. Good luck for you and be strong in the futher. Best wishes.
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
7 May 09
Oh, there's no need to feel sorry for my son's health issues. He's fine. He's just very awkward is all. LOL. If someone is going to fall down and get hurt, it's going to be him. It's just always been that way.
1 person likes this
