Parental / Childhood unresolved issues

United States
May 18, 2009 9:55am CST
My husband does not have a good relationship with his mother, his father passed away and his brothers and sister he does not have contact with. I on the other hand have a fairly close relationship with my family. I try to talk to him but he tells me it is not my concern and gets upset if I try to push the issue. Should I be concerned with trying to help him get close with his family or should i just drop it?
3 people like this
11 responses
• United States
18 May 09
you should DROP it.. truthfully hes your husband, but you are not responsible for forming his relationships in life; with his family, kids, friends or anyone. He is and only he is...If he wants to contact them he will.. there is probally things you dont known about and stuff you wouldnt understand in his reasons ... let it go before it causes problems in the relationship you and your husband have.. in the mean time love him and make him a big part of your family.. if hes never had a good relationship with his then he will not miss it "you cant miss what you never had"
2 people like this
• United States
19 May 09
The more he is involved with your family, time, and space... That phone call may come sooner then you think.. And like Shauna said, " you cant miss what you never had". Thats a very good point. Somethings are just not worth pushing.
• United States
21 May 09
There are things I know he has not talked to me about and there are things he has which I do understand him having resentment towards his family and good reasons for it. My family has made him part of the family but sometimes he pushes them away and me also I guess I am hard headed because I keep sticking around for 7 years now.
@lawana_f (326)
• United States
18 May 09
I learned that men feel differently about this than women. So you should drop it and let him make his decisions. Just let him be a part of your family. I feel now that one should be able to choose the family that they want to be close to. Pray for the anger to pass, and realize that he may never want them in his life, it is his decision and you should support that. If there is anger in him then help him resolve that and then simply move forward in life together.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 09
I am always praying for him to somehow get past the anger with his family and I think one day he will I don't really push it as much as it probably sounds I just will bring it up when he is having one of those days where he is angry that he does not have his mother or siblings in his life.
@tracy_d (76)
• India
18 May 09
There definitely would be certain reasons for his behaviour, he might or might not have shared all of them with you. So do not judge his behaviour without knowing the background . For him, you are his family and he needs your support. Do not risk putting your relations at stake just because you repeatedly asked him to get along with his mom. Time will take care of everything - maybe he'll see your example and follow suit. Instead of directly pointing towards him or advising him, try including your mother-in-law in family dinners, picnics etc. with his consent of course. Maybe in due course of time, their relations will improve.
• United States
21 May 09
I know there are reasons some I am sure he has not shared. His mother lives in Florida and we live in Idaho so it is very hard to try and work on getting him back together with his family but I know that when we have the opportunity to visit florida which is where we plan on retiring I would definatly try to include a visit to her .
@cbeee3 (2061)
• India
19 May 09
Hi there.For us women, it is not easy to just "drop it",when it comes to family and relationships.I have had the same issue.Not just with my partner,but also my dad. My dad had a wonderful upbringing,yet I see that he is not close to his family. But what I admire about my mom is,she never tells him what to do.On the other hand,she keeps in touch with his family.I do the same with my partner now.This might be the best approach.This way may be someday,he may realize that he needs to be actively involved when it comes to mending his family relations.If not, you know you have done your best. Like Mahatma Gandhi said: Be the change you want to see in the world...In this case its your husband;)
• United States
21 May 09
I think that is the hardest part for him that he will need to take the first step and he is stubborn that way although he is probably right and justful in his feelings and anger I think deep down he realizes the only way things will change with his family is if he steps forward and it makes him angry that is has to be him.
@cbeee3 (2061)
• India
10 Jun 09
Thank you for the BR! :)
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
19 May 09
Drop it. He propably has a good reason not to have a close relationship with his family. Everytime that you bring it up, (having your heart with the right intentions) it reminds him of the pain that keeps him from his family.. The more that you push it the more he could push away his family... Yes it may be sad that he doesnt have a relationship with them... one day it will happen or may never happen.. To look at the whole thing in a better light, he does have good relationships with your family.. Which is not always the case with in laws.. I dont have a close close relationship with my mother.. I have my reasons.. and when someone is pushing me to get closer to her, it just pushes me farther away.. One day I may talk to her and have a closer relationship... Would I regret in the morning if she passed and I was not there.. no not really.. I have my reasons to keep my distance..
• United States
21 May 09
I do know this and it does make me sad, I think his family is a very heartless bunch I don't know if it is because they grew up with the luxeries of not hurting for anything or what. I don't know how I got so fortunate to have such a strong bond with my family but I thank god for my family everyday. It just makes me sad that his mother is so distant I have 6 of my own children and I am not really as close to them as I would like but I know that I would not want anything to go unsaid between us for as many years as it has for him.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 May 09
Having 6 children was pretty hard for me I was single through most of their lives. My husband I met about 7 years ago and he wanted to be part of mine and my chldrens lives. It was definately hard for my younger 3 children to get use to having a man around there father well that is another story. But now my older 3 are grown and living miles away it is hard sometimes to maintain contact except by telephone which I try to call them at least once every few weeks.
• United States
22 May 09
Wow, having 6 kids thats a lot of work... The way you can make sure that you keep close with all of your children is to try to spend some quaity time with each one, may not be every day due do the lack of time in a day, but try to do something with each one on an indivdual basis...like may be once a week with each one, it could only be 15 mintues but its time set aside for each child to be the center of your attention.. which children thrive on... Another piece of advice would have to be; allow your children to be indivduals, if one child doesnt do the same thing as the other, dont compare them... That causes tension between the siblings... Also if you set a ground rule like; no staying out after 8 o'clock on a school night for your 14 year old, dont expect your 16 year old to be home at the same time, since their are older... and/or change the rules half way through the children , curfews and such... that just creates jealous, and feeling like the older ones were short changed... being consentant with all of you children is important.. Or they will feel short changed... IF you go to a basketball game for one, expect that you have to do the same for all... I hope you see where I am getting on this one.. if you want more advice let me know... have a lot of do's and don't with that many kids... for over a year I lived with my ex-brother inlaw and my son with his children we also had six... so i know where you are coming from... Oh yea before I forget.. your husband will handle it the best way he knows how.. at least he has you, your 6 kids, and all of your family...
@technoobs (406)
• Philippines
19 May 09
We do have common problem but in different situation. What should be done is nothing because its all up to him to do the thing. Because if we try to interfere with that way where we know he don't want to, it would just become complicated. We already tried everything and seems nothing works. It will be up to him to resolve the problem, hoping it will not be too late that until they have all grown old that at the end of his life to understand what is the cause, to accept and forgive.
• United States
21 May 09
Acceptance and Forgiveness I think are very hard for him to do I am only able to be there and try to help him and maybe by examples with my family he will learn.
@wahmivy (776)
• Philippines
19 May 09
I'd drop it if I were you. You weren't there when all those issues were created so your interference, while good-intentioned, will not be coming from a place of empathy and understanding. It might just cause resentment and friction between the two of you. If he brings it up, then it might be okay to express your opinion (without appearing to force him to do anything, just focus on how it would benefit him to forgive and lay down old ghosts, how it will help his peace of mind and form a healthier bond with his own children), but I'd still tread very lightly. I know you're worried that he might regret the lack of contact or reconciliation later on, but all you can do is hope (and pray if that's your faith) that one day sufficient time will have passed to heal old wounds and that by then it wouldn't be too late. It still doesn't mean that he will forge a close relationship with his family if/when this happens, but just losing the habit of anger will help a lot. HTH :)
@prinzcy (32999)
• Malaysia
18 May 09
Once you married to someone, his family will be your family for life. Still, you can give him advice and try to bring them closer, it still up to him if he want to do it or not. Try to explain to him about the situation and tell him it is your concern. They already become a part of you. It's not good to push him too much, so try to bring the issue slowly so he can take it.
• United States
21 May 09
I do try to do that often and ultimately I realize it is his choice to take action or not. I do tell him that I am his family now and he is my best friend.
• India
19 May 09
luk dear...he himself want to live wid family n let him miss dem first.. n let d family initiates..den ur hubby will urslef take some action.. give some time.. he wil realize dat family is really esential.. u just take care of him properly
@Tikvah57 (22)
• United States
18 May 09
Oh sweet angel, I understand completely. I went down that path with my own husband except it was his mother that Passed and His father (step) that he has no relationship with. I tried for many years of coaxing him, I tried to be the peace maker but after time I could see where he was coming from. I do not know the extent of your husbands relationship with his family and where the core of the problem lies, but I did mine. I suggest praying for all parties involved, If it is meant to be that peace be made then the Lord will make the way. Just love your Husband and be there for him, you are his family and he needs you to understand not feel like your against him. Time will either heal this or not, but your love should remain anchored reguardless and feel blessed that you have a close relationship with your own family
• United States
21 May 09
I do feel very blessed my family never had money we grew up very poor unlike his family who has money and the ability to do things. Total opposites I know. I let him know I love and support him constantly and appreciate the hard work he does to support our family which are children that are not even his. I pray that someday his mother and his siblings will come around and realize this. I know his mothers biggest problem is she does not really like me because we have different opinions on things regarding my children and I don't let her influence my decisions.
@tokwa666 (33)
• Philippines
18 May 09
you are now his family, Feud is an ancient issue. Let time do the decision, in time he will calm down his heart. For now dont make it more complicate. Silence can cure things ya know
• United States
21 May 09
I know it sometimes is hard because when he is having a bad day he gets sad which he doesnt show me very often (which frustrates me) because I think he should be able to open up to me but I realize he has had a rough childhood so I do understand and I met his mother and she is not the most compassionate person she actually doesnt really care for me because I handle all the finances in the family and she doesnt think I do a good enough job which is really none of her business but I try to be respectful to her for his sake when they are talking.