Great Expectations

@dawnald (84075)
Shingle Springs, California
May 26, 2009 1:51pm CST
Discussion with my husband. He said I would never be able to be what my mother-in-law had originally expected from me. I asked him what that was and he said she expected to be embraced as another mother and treated like a blood relative. I admitted I had not fully done that and then I turned it around and asked him if he had done that with my family. "No", he admitted. Something about the way our brains are wired perhaps. So how many people here are able to treat their in-laws the same as their blood relatives and really feel that they are as close to them as the family that the grew up with and how many are not?
4 people like this
15 responses
@sanuanu (11235)
• India
27 May 09
I can say I am not Reason behind is that i am not married yet and the way I saw people who got married! I think it will difficult for me to be like a son for my in-laws for two reasons: 1. I am not their child. 2. I am the one with whom their daughter will live, hence my role will be different for thm!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
Maybe you'll be surprised when it really happens...
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@sanuanu (11235)
• India
29 May 09
but again there is a difference between a blood realtions and a guest, isn't it? In my country guys are assumed to be a guest in their in-laws house!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 May 09
And my MIL assumes she is "at home" in mine.
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@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
27 May 09
I won't know this directly since I don't have a mother in law yet, but should I have someday, she can never replace my real mom. But I'll give her the respect that she deserves. And she has to earn it too. It goes both ways...
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
yes it does go both ways. I don't think my mil completely gets that...
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
29 May 09
I see. If there's a way of perhaps letting her know...
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@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 May 09
It's been 26 years, so I guess she kind of does. She doesn't know about the Asperger's though...
@Nhey16 (2518)
• Philippines
11 Jun 09
My in-laws are both gone years ago. But my mother-in-law is so sweet and she's the one helping us when she was still alive. There was a time when I was sick, she cooked for me and had taken care of our daughter and we stayed for a day in their house while my hubby was at work. With my father-in-law, we really didn't talk a lot. We just greet each other and nothing else. But now, it's not a problem for me since they're both gone...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jun 09
My mother-in-law helps a lot. It just drives me nuts that I can't find things in my own house.
• United States
3 Jun 09
Dawn- I was never given the chance to by my husband's family. And that's ok. I'm happy and content in our marriage and that is all that matters. I suppose ages ago I may have wanted the approval of everyone and their brother, but today I don't seek it. I'm just me and if others want to accept me for me and be friends/family great, if not that's their issue not mine. I also stopped trying to live up to what other people wanted me to be. I did enough of that growing up and now that I'm living to my own song, I'm much more happy. That said, I'm not close to my own blood relatives either. I never was growing up, and probably never will be. I do however have a very close relationship with my husband and children. Our little ones are still little, but hopefully it will stay that way. My husband and I have been through a heck of a time since being married from cancer to surgeries so we've tested the resolve of our relationship and are still content and happy with one another. I'm happy. I do find it interesting you titled this Great Expectations, because I so enjoy the novel. I think what I've always liked most is that Joe never has any real expectations other then being a gentle man. I think that is why Pip finally realizes that Joe is the true gentleman. Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Jun 09
ages ago I may have wanted the approval of everyone and their brother, but today I don't seek it I've gone from not wanting it to wanting it back to not wanting it again. And now, I don't necessarily need approval but for some reason it is very important to me to have understanding.
@savypat (20245)
• United States
27 May 09
I have the greatest daughter in law in the whole world and a great sister in law also. I love them like my own and on occasion would even trade them for my own.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
Good for you!
@rexertea (117)
• India
27 May 09
Firstly, you can never feel about your in laws as your own parents. That's HOW IT IS, but you can treat them as your own parents. That is something we can definitely do and that is what is expected of us. you can certainly accept your in laws as your own parents. It will help relationships to grow in a positive way.
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
That makes sense too.
1 person likes this
• Indonesia
27 May 09
interesting dawnald.. it is so true that not so many people can threat their in-laws like their own parents, vice versa..it depends on how close they are and how open they are. if they can build a trust, caring and loving relationship in between, both parent and child in law will be able to be like the real parents, butttttttttttt...im not sure there is any of like that. coz there is no one who can replace nor act like our own parents better than our really blood parents..no one..no one.. we can have a very close relationship with our in-laws but it will never be the same like our blood parents..never..
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
Closeness and openness - now that's a real problem for a person with Asperger's. But I agree, it won't be quite the same as the relationship with your parents no matter how close it is.
@phyrre (2321)
• United States
27 May 09
I'm not as close with my in-laws as I am with my family and I never will be only because my family has been there since I was born and that's a connection that will never go away. However, I have embraced my in-laws as family since I first started dating my fiance. It was easy because I've known them since kindergarten and they're just like my family, so there weren't really any surprises. I still talk to my mother-in-law just like she was my mother, though, and we can talk very openly about just about anything. Then again, I WAS the sort of daughter-in-law she wanted and she always tried to get my fiance to ask me out when we were younger, he just never listened. xD
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
That sounds about right to me...
@jlamela (4906)
• Philippines
27 May 09
I am not yet married, but your husband's expectation is too high. most couples I know are never that close to their in-laws and never treated them as their blood relative. Just understand each other, no other way to reach people than better understanding. Don't expect too much, the most important thing is you have a nice relationship as a couple, after all it's you who live together.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
I would agree with that.
@magrylouyu (1629)
• United States
27 May 09
I have known my mother in law since I was about 15 and my father in law since I was 19 (when we got married). I used to really enjoy my husbands mother, before we had children. Dont get me wrong she can still be a great woman but personally I cant stand her!! My children dont even know who she is. My 2 daughters are 4 and 5 and the last time they saw her was almost 2 years ago. As for my father in law, he lives RIGHT UP THE STREET! Seriously, it's maybe 800 feet away. He only sees the kids maybe every 7 months. So, I would have no say no, I do not feel the same about them as my own parents. I used to have respect for them but now I do not. My father in law loves to favor my stepson. He thinks that just because my husband has had custody of him for the last 2 1/2 years and his biological mother doesnt care, my stepson is in a different situation. Nope sorry all the children get treated the same or you stay away from your grandchildren. I will never feel "close" to them. I dont even answer the phone when my mother in law calls because I just cant stand her.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
It's kind of the opposite with me. I got along with my in-laws before the kids were born and it was much more difficult afterwards. But not because they didn't get involved, but because they got too involved. They drove me nuts. But I'd rather have that and have my kids know their grandparents than have grandparents who aren't interested. That's just awful.
@spalladino (17922)
• United States
26 May 09
I never felt that way about my ex-husband's mother but I'm still very close to his three sisters, who are like sisters to me. I've known them for over 30 years and we became close early on. My current husband's mother passed away before I met him so I never knew her and, although my husband likes my parents very much, he doesn't see them as parental figures. Maybe it's because he was 55 when we met and was too old for a new mommy.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
For it me becomes harder to "embrace" new family members the older that I get.
@katsmeow1213 (28910)
• United States
26 May 09
We no longer speak to my in laws. We haven't in a few months. If I had it my way, we would have stopped speaking to them years ago. But they're just terrible people. I do know some people I would consider family even though they didn't raise me.
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@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
My in-laws can be annoying but they're good people.
@katsalot1 (1619)
26 May 09
That sort of suggests that you are supposed to love your in-laws just because they are your in-laws. That is crazy. You can't love people just because you are expected to! I have got on with my in-laws, but would never feel the same way about them as my own family.
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@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
I think it's crazy too. And it's so funny that he feels the same way about my family.
• United States
26 May 09
i am closer to my mother of course because she raised me but i get along with my mother in law 100 times better and i would do anything for her the same as my mother in fact i plan to take care of them both after retirment i am a cna/ med aide
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@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 09
I would take care of my MIL too, but I doubt that I'll ever feel close to her.
@piya84 (2590)
• India
13 Aug 09
It differ poeple to people dawnald.If your in laws do care about you and do help oyu whenever you need something off course you will form a bond with them. These things should happen both way.Its not a one way path. I am not married yet so cant tell you about it more.