Honey, I'm Gay.. and I'm leaving you for him.....
By jellymonty
@jellymonty (2352)
May 26, 2009 2:13pm CST
This was the statement that my dear friend heard just before she collapsed with a cardiac arrest. I got the call to say she was in hospital and I didn't get why as she is one person I know that is as healthy as a horse. In fact she's never been sick before so this was a shock to me too. When all the doctors and nurses left my friend said to me that it is better for her to die than live a life knowing that her husband is leaving her for another man. They've been married for 24 years and have three beautiful kids.
I thought they had solid marriage as they always seemed happy and they pretty much have what a normal family have. A big house, four cars and well the credit crunch hasn't really affected them. I actually used to envy her and wondered what the secret was to her "successful" marriage. Now my friend is so suicidal at the minute and I don't know what to do or tell her. Apparently the husband has been seeing this other guy for the last five years and now they want to elope together..
I'm really concerned and worried that this will drive my friend early to the grave. I'm trying so hard to be the friend for her but I really wouldn't know what to do if I were in her shoes. I've ran out of words to tell her so I would like you guys to tell me what you would do if you were in her shoes? or what would you advice her to do?
I guess the grass is not really greener on the other side is it?
10 people like this
16 responses
@rrdj71 (696)
• United States
26 May 09
WOW!! That is the worst thing possible as a woman that any of us could ever imagine happening!! Thank God she has a friend like you. I don't know what to say exactly other than just continue being her rock and hopefully she will agree to counseling it will do her and the children good and just get away from everything. Sell everything and move somewhere else. IT is really devastating. I am so sorry!!
2 people like this
@beachstarz (1092)
• United States
26 May 09
What would I do? There is nothing you can really do . You can't really compete
with what he's getting from another guy . I wouldn't want to try . I would give him his divorce . I knew a woman years ago that said that her husband did the same thing , with no clue at all that there was something wrong in the marriage. I just find that hard to believe . It seems you would sense something isn't right somwhere . . I would guess that her hubby was always gay , he just didn't want to face it, and tried to hide it or not except it to himself . I would not be angry
that he is gay, but that he carried on this thing with this other man for so long and never told me . Thats cheating , and cheating is a lie , and I don't like liars .
@jellymonty (2352)
•
26 May 09
Yes it is not only devastating to her but also to me. I have lost my bubbly happy friend, and I can't stand what all this is doing to her. I've told her it's not her fault and she shouldn't blame herself but really there are just no words to use to comfort her. I did suggest counseling for the kids but at this point she's still in shock and denial so nothing seems to be going in.. I'm constantly up awake now and I keep checking on her 'cause I don't want her to do something stupid but I can't be there all the time so it really is just so devastating. Thanks for your response.
@sunil_008 (1269)
• India
26 May 09
hi jellymonty,i am so sorry about your friend.i am now confused about the real facts that are related to the gays...how can a gay remain married to a woman for 24 years and then will leave wife ,kids for him...i think your friend's husband is Bi so his wife can still with them if they sit together and discuss the things.
1 person likes this
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
27 May 09
Sunil,
Many gay men have had families and wives trying to be "normal" doing what everyone expects of him as a man. My uncle was gay before he met his wife he was in the closet, but pretended forever that he was not. My mom caught him a couple of times and promised she would never tell. They had a child, once the child hit legal age he divorced his wife after many years of marriage. "was it normal?" I do not think so my uncle was unhappy and it showed. The question is can a man actually be bi and my answer is I honestly do not know. I guess that would be a whole different topic though. How you see a marraige from the outside can be totally different than what is going on behind closed doors.
@kareng (55068)
• United States
27 May 09
WOW is right. This is horrible and goes to show that you never really know someone inside and out. I feel really sorry for your friend but she is lucky to have a good friend like YOU. The best thing you can do for her now is be there for her to listen and to also encourage her. You didn't mention how old her kids were, but they will need her. As for him...what goes around, comes around.
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
27 May 09
Hi jellymonty, I am so sorry to hear this and I certainly agree with your comment that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If society was more accepting of gays, this probably would never have happened as he would never have married her in the first place. We know that gays are born not made so he had to be gay when he married her. I have a friend who is gay and almost got married at one time, but eventually he realized that he couldn't do that to her and told her the truth. She had a hard time at the beginning but later respected him for being honest with her. It is wrong for a gay to marry a women and pretend to have a happy life, but society is also to blame for putting them in a situation where to admit to being gay makes for a difficult and sometimes dangerous life. I know that this doesn't make it any easier for your friend but she has three children and must think of them. He may be willing to support the children and hopefully she can get her life back together. Revenge is never the answer. Blessings.
@Bebs08 (10681)
• United States
27 May 09
That is really an awful situation. I know how hard it is to accept but what can you do? I think there;s nothing else except to give her support and comfort that she is not the only one who has that kind of problem. There are lots out there but they were able to cope with it because they accepted the reality and they had tried to moved on. Life must go on specially that they have kids. She must be brave to face the reality for her kids. Am sure she would be able to go over it. She must be courageous and make herself attractive so that she can find the right man someday. The HE man not the double blade. she must make herself beautiful and enjoy the company of her friends who loved and care for her. She will overcome in due time. her husband is not worth dying. Tell her to cheer up!! God has someone for her..
@tomcat23 (622)
• Old Forge, Pennsylvania
26 May 09
As devastating as it indeed is I hope your friend can find the strength to carry on. She has alot more on her plate than anyone can imagine especially when it comes to her children. What will this do to the children? It must not be easy for any of them. There will definitely be alot of questions some which may never be asked out loud. I still don't understand how a guy could be attracted to another guy, but it should certainly raise some concerns when it comes to "guys night out". I wish your friend all the best and I hope she pulls through all this. I usually try to make light of situations, but its very hard to make light of this situation.
@jellymonty (2352)
•
26 May 09
I too will never understand why a guy would be attracted to another guy.. worse off this idiot leaving his beautiful loving wife for an old worn out mariner 
1 person likes this
@magnel (2263)
• India
27 May 09
Married for 24 years and then leaving her for another man, this is really weird. Finding it difficult to believe, for 24 years he was straight living a happy life with a good wife, kids, house, cars, and all of a sudden to turns to be a gay leaving her wife and kids. This guy is really xxxxxx to do such a thing.
Is this guy giving your friend an official divorce or something?
As a friend you should try to find out who this new guy is who is taking away your friends husband, speak to him and make him understand how he is trying to destroy a happy family, if your friend is lucky then he will understand and leave.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
27 May 09
OUCH!!! Just be there for her...alot. do things together and do things that distract her from her issues to give her mind a break. And also be there just to listen. 24 years and you think you know someone....that's a shock to her. sometimes listening might be hard and she mite seem to be repeating herself...be patient. She really needs to vent. Once the shock wears off and she takes hold of her own life apart from his, she'll be fine. Right now, she needs her friends more than ever. The grass is always the same old green no matter where you go. 
@berrys (864)
• Singapore
27 May 09
awww im so sorry for your friend. you should be there for her now and tell her that everything will be alright. the thing is her life shold'nt revolve around a man especially if he had just done this to her. facts are facts at the end of the day and we can't stop what our heart is telling us. its time she got back on the horse and ride with pride. tell your friend, its not the end of the world. she still has much more to live with especially with her 3 beautiful kids. good luck i really hope your friend pulls through this one. i shall pray for her tonight.
@xannebull (1793)
• Philippines
27 May 09
i understand the feelings of your friend, she cannot accept the problems that she had now, her perfect family turns into a disaster, friends and family support maybe could help her.she must move on and accept the personality of her husband.
@justmeh (188)
• Philippines
27 May 09
Oh,did it really happen???That's indeed surprising. I think it would be better if he falls for another woman than fall for man for old time sake! It's so frustrating thinking that she replaced by her husband to another man!and ti think that they have been together for how many years and have bore three beautiful kids and just like that it would all be gone?Definitely that reason wouldn't be acceptable in my part as the wife.
@lululastrange (339)
• United States
27 May 09
That must have been very difficult for her. I know that it sounds shocking but it happens everyday, and usually its men in their forties and fifties that wake up one morning and realize that they have been lying to themselves for thirty years because it would disrupt their lives, it would make them pariahs among their friends and family...
There are famous people that have done it... Elton John left his wife and children and became openly gay.
@xparttime1 (142)
• India
27 May 09
I have nothing to say--the situation is really dangerous. The best thing to do is to spk with her husband and than spk with the other guy. I think you should take the initiative. Let ur friend spk to her husband and you spk to the other person. I mean how can a man run with another man leaving his beautiful wife and children that to after 24 years of marriage.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
26 May 09
wow, I hate to say this but it will take a lot of time for her to get back on her feet. wow!!! unbelievable. I used to my hubby talked on the phone with his friends for hours and hours... and just like bf and gf, so I stepped up and said to him that if he does like a gay then you have to leave now before everything is too late. He said no, no no... he is just a friend to me and we haven't talk for a long time. well, I said you think he is your friend but he doesn't think the same way with you. So, he tried to cut down on the phone with him... and it seem like his friend was really like him a lot... you like like... then he realized that his friend was not in a good friendship with him at all cuz he thought different way. my hubby got scare and he never pick up his phone call again. What a shame...!!!
For your friend, I am sorry to hear but I have no idea what to tell her either... cuz he left her for a man. that is totally different. well, you have to keep talking to her... that he is nothing and nothing better to be with him either... he is Gay and no one can change it. He left you for a man, so you have to move on with your kids and be a strong woman that you used to see... there are many men out there want to be with her.
God, im out of word too... why life is so complicate and also punish us like this. I wish to you and your friend with all the best things happen to you all.
@katsalot1 (1618)
•
26 May 09
What a terrible shock for her. Being betrayed is bad enough, but find our her husband is gay must be very difficult to come to terms with. Looking at it as an outsider, I would also point out that it must have been terribly difficult for him too. I think all that you can do for now is to continue to offer her your support. When she has come to terms with it maybe she will be able to move on with her life.
