How to handle the Ex Wife

@cindi1 (30)
United States
June 15, 2009 1:00pm CST
I am in a relationship with a Divorced Man. His Ex Wife and him had not talked for a long time until recently after her relationship with another man. Now she is calling. They share a child together and he was not allowed to see him for a couple of years, per a court order. Now she is letting him see the child 2 nights a week while she is at work. She calls him 2 times a day and they exchage emails frequently. As I said she wanted nothing to do with him for a long time, now all of a sudden she is blowing up the phone. I can understand the kid situation, but beyond that I don't know what is going on. He says it is just the kid and does take calls in front of me. Is it just about the kid or does she want him back? I have never been in this situation before. Her or the kid do not know I exist from what he tells me and says he needs to keep it quiet for a while. For what reason I do not know. If anyone can offer me any insight into this type of situation, that would be great.
3 people like this
12 responses
@zandi458 (28124)
• Malaysia
15 Jun 09
There must be something behind his secrecy. He should, if you mean so much to him, divulge everything to his ex of your existence so she will not come in between and a joy killer of your budding relationship. You must remember they have spend quality time together before the divorce and sweet memories might have rekindled their feelings for one another. They have a child and that might be a force for them to come back together. Don't allow yourself to be fooled by his words as at the end of the day you might end up a loser. Anything can happen between him and the mother of his child. It is indeed a heavy burden to be in a relationship with a divorced man. I think he is as confused as you are now and torn between you and his ex. His ex knows his weaknesses and can sugar coat her words to lure him back. Before you are left with heavy emotional baggage, it is wise that you don't place high hope on this man.
1 person likes this
@cindi1 (30)
• United States
15 Jun 09
You are absolutley right. We are living together and have been for the last year. We are even engaged. This whole thing is just crazy.
1 person likes this
@saw2207 (1359)
• United States
15 Jun 09
cindi1 all I can say is that the . . . . best thing a father can do for his child is to respect the mother let things fall as they will . .you can't push or direct this situation . . for if you do all you will do is push him away . . and no matter what . . if he and his ex are talking, it is good for the child. . . best thing you can do is be supportive and not insecure in your relationship with him . . hope this helps a little . .
@cindi1 (30)
• United States
15 Jun 09
Yes it does. Thank You.
@SinfulFox (135)
• United States
15 Jun 09
Hmm, well I would first ask him why he needs to keep you on the downlow. That's a little suspicious with not knowing why, but just ask him. Have you explained to him your concern and lack of understanding of the situation? And about the ex-wife suddenly calling again, did she end that relationship she had with the other guy? If she did, then maybe she's just feeling lonely or maybe something that happened between them made her realize that the kid needed to spend time with his real father. Like, maybe the kid was starting to grow attached to the guy and then they ended the relationship and she doesn't want the son thinking that he has no father or no one wants him. Maybe it's something like that. I dunno though, maybe she just misses him a little after being with someone else and thinks since they share a child they should keep in contact for the kid's sake. I would still suggest just talking to your guy and expressing your concern over what's going on and why he needs to keep you a secret for a while.
1 person likes this
@cindi1 (30)
• United States
15 Jun 09
I have talked to him about it and expressed my dicomfort about the visitiation having to be at her house, the keeping me a secret part and the constant phone calls. He says the reason he is keeping it a secret from the child right now is he is trying to re-establish contact/relationship with him and feels it would be too much at this time. He wants to bring it in gently. As far as she is concerned, he says he doesn't want to rock to boat and is afraid she will pull all contact with the child again if she finds out. This all sounds crazy to me. I have never seen this with other people in the same situation and I think she is holding something over his head. There is definately more to this than meets the eye.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Jun 09
Ask him what this is all about? Is it really about the kid, or is it about the kid and her?
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17921)
• United States
15 Jun 09
The ex-wife is feeling at loose ends because she is no longer in a relationship and so she's turning to the father of her child for emotional support because she has a ready excuse to renew contact with him...the child. This is a potentially harmful situation for several reasons. Your boyfriend's son could end up hurt if his mother meets yet another man and cuts off contact with your boyfriend again. Your boyfriend will be hurt by this, too, so he needs to go back into court and get visitation while things are civil between him and his ex. He can play it off so she won't get angry but he will at least have that safety net if things go sour. As long as your boyfriend is honest with you and doesn't let himself get drawn into situations that could lead to trouble...like going out on a family outing...inappropriate emails...you two should be able to ride this out. He needs to keep the line very clear with her...he will be her friend but nothinig more. She may want him back right now because she's lonely but, remember, it take two to tango and your boyfriend does not have to take the relationship anywhere he does not want to take it. If he's been a trustworthy guy so far give him your support and let him deal with this. At least he's able to see his son...that's important for both of them...and I'm sure he'll tell her about you when he feels that she's not so emotionally vulnerable.
@hairypits (294)
16 Jun 09
Please don't take what I say the wrong way... I think it may well be all about his little boy. The think is, your other half has to keep the relationship with his son as a one to one relationship not a relationship between you two and his son. By rights, the little boy shouldn't know you are on the scene even - regardless of how serious you are. The psychological strain that broken marriages put on a child is enormous and a lot of the time their parents are so p**sed off with each other that they punish each other by using the children. Unfortunately now that he is allowed to see the child, it requires them to be amicable, and they have to bring the child up as "a united front". They have to agree on things and make joint decisions so it doesn't surprise me that they are in touch with each other. If you trust him then you should leave him to it or simply say to him, I'm feeling unsure of the whole situation, I understand...(everything I've just mentioned), but would like you to keep me up to date on everything because its part of you and I keep nothing from you. That way he can give you some reassurance. I am sure everything will be fine.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I agree that telling the child about his girlfriend right now isn't priority, but the Ex Wife should know. There really isn't a reason to keep this a secret from the Ex, unless he is hiding something.
16 Jun 09
He could be concerned that it could fire the ex up again just as things are becoming amicable again. She possibly wants to know that he is fully commited to the child and would view a girlfriend as a threat - not to her but the attention and relationship he has with his son. I'm trying to put myself in everyone's shoes. Maybe he doesn't want to be the first from the broken marriage to be seen to "move on"?
@northway (53)
• China
16 Jun 09
obviously,it is just a excuse for his saying that he needs to keep it quiet for a while. if he really care you he would surely tell his ex wife that he had been with for a long time. now he say that he need time, that means he want to give himself some kind of back up.i donnot think the situation is good for you. good luck!
@MAllen400 (830)
16 Jun 09
Sounds like she is trying to turn the clock back as she is at a loose end with no man in her life at the moment. The best thing to do would be to encourage her to meet someone else and quickly then she will leave you alone again but there might be a dowsn side to that and she might stop your partner seeing his child again. I do think it is more boredom than wanting him back.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Well, I don't understand the whole part about him wanting to keep the relationship with you private. Usually in cases like this, someone is lying about something. Why else keep it a secret? Makes no sense. As for your boyfriend & his Ex Wife talking a lot, well that could be because of the child they have together & that is just something you might have to deal with. They share a child together & will always have that connection. The thing I would be asking myself is why wont he tell his Ex Wife about you? What good enough reason is there to keep your relationship a secret? I can't think of any. There is no reason to keep things like this a secret unless you are hiding something. Right?
@amanda08 (647)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I think that his ex wife and his child should know about you... It is only fair to be open and honest... why should he be hiding you? On the other hand, maybe she is just calling about the child. Parents will always be parents and must communicate in order to effectively be able to raise a child in a responsible manner. Maybe she just recently started thinking on bettering her child's lifeso she is wanting him/her to grow up with their father in their life.... I would be supportive accept for the whole hiding you thing... that is not fair to anyone.
@lingli_78 (12834)
• Australia
15 Jun 09
well, i never been in this situation before... so i might not be able to offer you much advice... but from reading your post, i just find it very fishy that your man want to keep you secret from his ex-wife for some times... i will be asking for a clear and valid explanations from him for this behaviour and if i can't get a satisfactory explanation, i will let him go... i don't like to be double and have to fight with another woman for a man... that will only hurt me and advantage the man... so if doesn't work out, i will be the one who will leave... this is my opinion though... take care and have a nice day...
• United States
15 Jun 09
This wouldnt be quite a sticky if it wasnt for the fact that your bfriend is keeping you a secret. I can think of NO good reasons for any man having to do this except for some bad ones. If a man is not being completely truthful then you really have to watch out for that.