Mother's 2nd marriage

@sahm35 (891)
United States
June 15, 2009 4:48pm CST
My father died when I was 2 years old. My mom was 30 years old. She is now 64. She met a guy. He was one of my old teachers from college. They have broken up and are now back together. They have decided to get married. However I am 10 years older and wiser. I have since spoken with him and I dont think that he would make a good hubby. He drinks and curses. He just joined the church... Not sure if that was real, but who can tell. I am really scared that he is not the best one for my mom. Am I just a jerk. My mom can take care of herself, right? Anyone else have a mom that has married for the second time? Were you nervous? How did it turn out?
4 people like this
13 responses
@jules67 (2790)
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
I understand how you feel. Having lost your Dad when you were one 2-years-old, you, yourself was there for your mom every step of the way. You've been her ally, an extension of her life. Years have passed, she found someone else to share her love with and now, trying to have a second chance. No one really knows what future holds for us. I know that there are things you do not like about this man. But your mom separated with him before and had gotten back with him. Perhaps she sees something in him that you don't see. Perhaps, she really loves him. Perhaps, this would make her happy, no one really knows. We would only know if we take the plunge. Support your mother, like what you were before, still be with her every step of the way.
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Whoa Jules!!!! This seemed to have sent me the most peace. Thanks a whole bunch. Yes I was her ally! No one knows what the future holds for any of us. She has been by herself since she was 30 years old. She is now over 60. I just pray that he understands the wonderful person that he has. I want my mom to be happy! Thanks again Jules!
@jules67 (2790)
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
Hi, thanks for marking my post best response. I must have felt your mother's situation. Have a nice day. Have a good life. Thanks again .
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
No problem. I think that you were right on the money. God bless you.,
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
15 Jun 09
HI, MY MOTHER IS IN SAME SITUATION, BUT SHE IS MARRIED WITH THIS MAN 15 YEARS. You know first time i was agree with she, because i was convinced that she is mature enaught to make this step, and i was very polite with this...man..but is not a real man. Now, he is all time drunk, is a stupid, make my mother don t want see me or my brothers..as he say.."i must be all for you baby" and my mother seems that like this, she fight with us a lot for this jerk. I am really pitty, and i think that she deserve what she have now.
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
15 Jun 09
Ugh I would just cry if that happened. I love my mommy so much! He just drinks and smokes and I concerned about that being around my kids.
• United States
15 Jun 09
Sahm, why are you worried about him being around your kids? Being a drinker and smoker doesn't make him a bad person for 1, and for 2, is he going to be living with you? If so, then find your own place to live, or tell him he can't move into your home. If not, then what is there to worry about?
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
My daughter has asthma!
@katsmeow1213 (28910)
• United States
15 Jun 09
That's hard to say without knowing more information. It's possible your mother is just tired of being alone and is settling on this man even though she's not 100% happy with him. Or it's possible that they're wonderful together and there's no better man out there for her (except your father of course). I think you need to have a heart to heart with your mother and find out why she's marrying this man, does she love him, is he good to her, or is she just tired of being alone?
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
15 Jun 09
He drinks and curses. He is a college professor and has a doctorate. He is just not religious... I dont know. Maybe I an just scared. Also I have a had a heart to heart. I think that she really loves him. He just said that he was coming to see her at Christmas. He told her that he was sick and told me that he was just overwhelmed and scared to come to see her. That threw up red flags all over the place. I just feel guilty that I broughtthem together.
• United States
15 Jun 09
Drinking, cursing, and not being religious are not good enough reasons to be worried about this man. I curse all the time but I'm still a good wife. I drink from time to time too, but I'm still a good wife. We haven't gone to church in years, but I'm still a good wife. If your mother isn't worried, you probably shouldn't be either, unless she is hurting in some way because of this man.
15 Jun 09
I agree with you katsmeow entirely, she should trust her mum's judgement. And if he was nervous and felt sick I would say that was normal because he's making massive changes in his life!! He loves her to bits from what you've quoted and I think they should be left to it and the daughter should concentrate on her own kids.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jun 09
No, my mother never got married. She has been with two men and both were disappointments.
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Were one of them your father?
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jun 09
Yes. The first man my mother was with was my father, and he was a disappointment because he was never there for me.
@ivana980 (156)
• Italy
16 Jun 09
Have you tried to talk with your mother??
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Yes I have spoken to her. She really wants to marry him. She doesnt want to be alone. But he would rather they moved in together. However since she insists on getting married. He will finally go along with it. This will be his third marriage.
@ivana980 (156)
• Italy
16 Jun 09
It's true.... when a person is in love she lost his mind.... And if she wants to marry this man you can't do anything... she have to do his choises...You could only stay near to her and whatch what will happen... and only the time make you see if is the right person...
• United States
16 Jun 09
I think at that point in your mother's life, she probably knows what she wants. I'm sure she cares about your feelings, however, I doubt you would be the make/break factor in her marrying this man or not. The best thing to do is just be happy for her. If she doesn't mind the drinking and cursing there really isn't much you can do about it.
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I think that you may be right unfortunately. If she likes it, then maybe I should love it! Right?
@vijayanths (7878)
• India
16 Jun 09
Love is blind. When you are having a serious attraction on someone then you won't be able to see the flaws and defects of that person.Usually old people will not fall with that kind of relationship so easily. May be the man is too attractive to resist.One thing you should remember, that no one would listen to advice when he/she is in a serious relationship with somebody. Only time can open their blind eyes. You can't do anything to this matter, just leave it to the fate. You don't have to worry too much on this and keep concentrating on your work and family.Be cheerful and happy always.
@sahm35 (891)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Thanks Vijay.. I will try to be happy. He is not that handsome... LOL
• China
16 Jun 09
It is really a hard thing to accept a stepfather who is not exactly your cup of tea. According to your description, this guy drinks and curses. To be honest, I don't think he is a man of good temper as most guys who like to curse are bad-tempered. I can't stand those bad-tempered people. It makes me feel nervous and scared to be face to face with them. But your mother seems satisfied with him. Then, I suggest you talk to your mom and tell your true feelings to her. After all, your mom knows more about him than you do. As soon as your mom loves you, she'll take your worries into consideration. Don't be too scared. Good luck!
• China
16 Jun 09
hard to say something bad to influence u due to lack of more informaiton about him. drinking and cursing ,joining the church can not judge him is not a good man... try more to adopt to him...........
@rsa101 (23649)
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
Well right now, I guess the best that you can do about it is to tell how you feel about it with your mom. But, I really doubt if she would heed your plea not to marry him. So right now, you and your mom should have a one on one serious talk about it and don't expect that you would convince her to stop or postpone her plans of getting married. Let's just hope that your teacher has changed already from his past attitude and will be happily married with your mom. Sometimes we have to allow love to flourish for we are not sure if we are just misjudging a person's intent. i know it is a risk they have to take but what can you do to stop love from happening if both parties are willing and free to be married again.
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
I think your mother at 64 is already too old to be married again. Maybe she really loves that man. But basing on your statement about that man and his attitudes I have doubts on him. I just hope that he won't be a problem to your mother then. I think you have to talk to your mother honestly, if she listens then it will be better but if she won't then it will be her decision then.
@momiecat (997)
• United States
15 Jun 09
So, you are an adult now and your mom is an adult. I understand that you want to protect your mom and you want what is best for her. I think you are right to trust your feelings about the guys bad habits. They do not usually change very easily. If I were you, I would have a loving heart-to-heart talk (without the guy around) with my mom and explain that you want what is best for her because you love her but you are concerned about the character of this guy. You can tell her that you will support her decision but that perhaps you have a better perspective on the relationship than she does. When I was going to marry my ex, my mom was way against him and rightly so. The relationship with that man ended later on but after marriage. I knew I was going to do whatever I wanted, no matter what. No one was going to stop me from getting married. However, where you can make a difference is to voice your opinion in a loving way and stand by your mom no matter what. My mom could not support my opinion and voice her opinion at the same time. Her behavior was very upsetting to me when I got married and that almost drove a wedge between our relationship. If she told me how she felt but supported me at the same time, I think it would have been better than for her to act the way she did. I hope things work out for all of you. I am sorry you had to lose your father when you were very young. I lost my father last year and it is still hard without him. Good luck to all of you.
@hairypits (294)
15 Jun 09
If you were a child under for example 18, I would be saying your mum needs to concentrate on being your mum. But, you are an adult and she has done her job as your primary carer and those days are long gone. No one will ever truly understand the connection between two people, I think your mum has her reasons for wanting to marry the guy which should speak volumes. In my experience, in todays society, the world we live in is full of those who drink and curse regardless of their qualifications or intelligence. It is just life and your mum is ok with it so I think maybe you should trust her judgement and be there for her.