How similar or different do you think people should be to have a relationship?

@phyrre (2317)
United States
June 15, 2009 11:16pm CST
I always hear my single friends saying "opposites attract" and I always wonder just how true that is. Looking at my friends and family, in fact, none of the relationships that last seem to be opposites. To me, it seems like it makes sense that there would have to be at least SOMETHING in common--enough to make them want to spend the rest of their lives together. But, then again, I know there are people that disagree with me. I have many friends that feel that if two people that are too similar get together then there will be nothing but problems in their relationship and that it will never last. I tried the whole opposites thing once, though. Turns out that he just annoyed the heck out of me and I had to dump him because we didn't have enough in common. Right now, my hubby and I are different enough, have different interests and whatnot, but we think alike. We share ideals, values, and morals, which makes the relationship easy to work with and we both get what we expect from it. Not only that, but when we're talking about kids we don't argue about how to raise them like some couples I know do because we're on similar pages. Also, we come from very similar backgrounds. Our families are quite similar and we were raised around the same sorts of things. Basically, we have a lot of common ground despite our differences. So what do you think? Do two people need to be opposites in order to make the relationship work, or should they have some degree of similarities? I'm always interested in hearing opinions on things like this!
2 people like this
13 responses
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Jun 09
You don't have to agree on everything, but you do have to approach your differences respectfully, listen to and understand the other person. I think that some differences are good, but other differences are too big to get past. I also think that if you're TOO similar it can be bad. Especially if you're both STUBBORN. lol
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Jun 09
I'd want to be with somebody who shared some of my interests, but brought something into the relationship. You teach me something new, I teach you something new and there area always the old favorites!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Jun 09
For me, a relationship will work up to the end of time if both the couple LOVE each other. Because of LOVE, there will be now argument, jealousy, hatred or anything opposing love cause there is only LOVE in the center of their relationship. But then.... this was what I was taught in High School. But these days, I seldom find this kind of relationship though. I guess people are becoming EVIL.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Lol...I definitely agree with that. Who would want to date someone that's exactly like themselves? I certainly wouldn't want to date me! LOL. But having someone that shares some of my interests is nice just the same. :)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
I've heard lots of different opinions about that, too. In my past relationship, my ex and I had so many things in common and we were great. There are differences too but we were both willing to compromise..however, we broke up due to my family who wasn't interested in him...and eventually he just gave up on us. Now, Im with a guy who is totally different than me...we have so many different likes and interests but you know what, surprisingly, we lasted 7 years and still together. I guess it doesnt matter if you have more in common or not----the important thing that makes the relationship for me, is that both of you are willing to compromise on your differences, to try each others interests, to respect each others desires and commitment to the relationship. And if its getting real serious, the approvement and acceptance of the family really makes a difference.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Sounds like you've had some interesting experiences. Yes, I agree that it's about compromise, but if you're willing to compromise then that gives you something in common, doesn't it. ^_^ You're both working towards a common goal...lol. But yes, compromise and understanding are very important in any relationship, regardless of how similar the two people seem to be. There's always something that will need to be compromised on.
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Sure, I think it's possible to fall in love with someone that's very different from you. But I think there still needs to be some amount of common ground there. There's gotta be at least some little thing that makes the relationship work, like that you're both willing to compromise on your differences and expectations, or that you have similar expectations in a relationship, etc. :)
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
Yeah, i agree on you with that. I also think that 2 people can always find something in common with each other. If the differences outweigh the other, things can still work out but it takes a lot of commitment, respect and compromise. Question: can you ever fall in love with someone so totally different that you are?
• United States
17 Jun 09
Personally, I believe that opposites attract, but I also believe that the relationships that last the longest are the ones in which the couple have more similarities than differences. Very often the things that are different about your loved one and that attract you in the beginning end up getting on your nerves when you get married. If your husband is impulsive when dating, that can seem exciting. But when he is impulsive when you get married, that can end up seeming very irresponsible.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
17 Jun 09
That's a very good point! Things can easily get on your nerves after you've been together for quite a while, even though they seemed so wonderful when you first started dating! Very good example. :)
@rosdimy (3926)
• Malaysia
16 Jun 09
From personal experience there should be more similarities than differences. In cases of more differences the relationship may last but one of the partners will suffer. As to how this will affect this partner it depends on strength personality or character. The differences add spice to life. They also help to build and strengthen mind and soul. They can open our minds to other aspects of human nature, making us less likely to jump into wrong conclusions. Strength and progress lie in diversity. all the best, rosdimy
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I love that line "strength and progress lie in diversity". I very much agree with that. It's not good to have someone that's too similar to you because then you'd be dating yourself (and I can't even begin to imagine having to put up with myself for the rest of my life like that! LOL). But I think there have to be SOME similarities. But I think there have to be some amount of differences, too. ^_^
• Philippines
17 Jun 09
I guess I believe in that. Opposites do attract. And what I am referring here is the NORMAL girl-boy relationship. Not the boy-gay, girl-lesbian relationships. I mean hello, we are talking about opposites here. Anyways, I've seen some of my friends who are like wolvering and sabretooth during highschool but then ended up like cyclops and jean grey at the end. :-D
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
17 Jun 09
I think you're awesome, just for the Xmen reference...LOL. Can't wait to see the new movie. Anyway, that's an interesting comparison. So do you not believe that people that are similar can work, or do they have to be opposites?
@flaky03 (225)
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
Having similarities between in a relationship is not that good to have as if it is considered perfect. And a lot of differences will mean a big headache and the relationship may end soon or quickly. Somehoow it is better to have a polar characteristics between the two so that each will fill the gap. They will learn to help one's short comings and with that will make a stable relationship.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
It doesn't always happen that way, though. For example, if the woman likes to clean and the man likes to make messes and not clean then the woman's cleaning doesn't fill the gap there...it will most likely produce problems because the woman will become exasperated by the situation. :) I think there needs to be a blend of both similarities and differences and that both parties need to be willing to accept the other's differences.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
16 Jun 09
There must be some factors in common. which will make them come together. Its opposite in some aspects.But there should be some level of comfort between the two to have a relationship.
1 person likes this
@xParanoiax (6987)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Eh, I think it's less about polarity and similiarity as it is about their energy...and what about them just strikes something in you. What about them is uniquely beautiful..to YOU. In my most significant relationship, reflecting back I realize that...he was so very different from me in the way his mind worked. He was the emotional, irrational, the planner...whereas I was the cool headed, logical one who despised planning and schedules, and structures. Yet somehow, we always managed to understand eachother. A proper metaphor, for it, I think would be; Two different models of computers, more or less the same release date, just the same speed for getting there. He had slightly different interests, many different opinions, but there was just enough common ground where we could connect and share...and the rest kept things interesting. We never argued, never fought. The only reason we didn't work out was because his self-destructive tendencies (one of the things we have in common, unfortunately), was so much more internal and destructive than mine.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I think that's a wonderful way of putting it! Definitely an interesting way to look at it and I love the computer metaphor...such a unique way of looking at it. I can definitely understand your point.
• United States
16 Jun 09
I think you have to have things in common to make a relationship work, but it has to be things that matter. I like Dr. Pepper, but I wouldn't end a relationship with a girl because she liked Pepsi. I think when it comes to things like beliefs and values though, you should have THOSE in common if you want a relationship to work. Sometimes you need to have similar personalities as well. For instance, if you're a laid back person who doesn't like to argue, you shouldn't get involved with someone who's always getting into arguments. My cousin did that and he's miserable.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I definitely agree with you. In fact, my hubby drinks Mountain Dew and I can't stand the stuff. :) But there are much better reasons for me leaving him than that! Just kidding. I'm not leaving. I agree that beliefs and values are important, though. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your cousin. I'm one of those people that likes to argue about anything and everything. Thankfully, my hubby is the same. I imagine it must be pretty miserable to try not to argue but to always get pulled into arguments just the same, though.
@ds6413 (2070)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Hello phyrre, from my past experiences I think I have to be with a person who is somewhat similar to me. If we were too different there would be nothing to talk about or practically nothing I'd like to do with my partner.Opposites did attract when it came to my first marriage but we had nothing in common other than we both lived in the same town and went to the same high school. We never met in high school but knew alot of the same people but never met until we were both had graduated. The attraction wasn't enough to keep the marriage working.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I'm sorry to hear that your first marriage didn't work out. Sometimes opposites attract, just in the wrong ways, I guess? I think it's harder to make marriages work when you don't have much in common. You have to put in twice the effort because you're constantly doing things you don't want to do just to appease your spouse,or that's the way it seems like it would be to me.
• Philippines
16 Jun 09
I think relationships work, no matter how similar or different people are as long as they have understanding and acceptance on both similarities especially on differences. You can't really tell, It is not certain that if both have a lot of similarities they are perfect for a relationship or different in the same way. If you're looking for true love that surpasses all, it doesn't exempt how similar or different both persons are. It is still vital that in a relationship both should agree upon and adjust to each others similarities and differences.
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
16 Jun 09
Oh, I completely agree. Just because two people are similar doesn't mean they'll get along well in a relationship and vice versa. But I think that relationships don't usually work if people are ALL similar or ALL different. I think there has to be some sort of blend of the two, just like you suggest with blending similarities and differences. :) But I agree with you that true love doesn't work in terms of similarities and differences.
• United States
16 Jun 09
I think there needs to be a certain amount of similarities and opposites. They needs to be a good balance. If someone is so similar they might bore you but if someone is too opposite they will just annoy you. You need to find someone who shares a few interests with you but can open you up to new ones as well.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Aug 09
I think it is about chemistry and striking a balance. I am attracted to guys that are my opposite in a lot of ways, but there is always SOMETHING that we have in common. Depending upon what the "something" is, though, will determine whether or not I will pursue a long-term relationship with them. If what we have in common doesn't include core values, then sometimes it is just fun to hang out with people and have a good time. However, those kind of relationships just turn into flirtatious friendships, at least with me. I think you have to share core beliefs to have a lasting relationship, but I also think that you need to have differences. My husband is lousy with money, so I take care of everything financial. I am afraid of wasps and heights, so he gets rid of any hives and does all things related to the roof, such as fixing shingles after a bad storm. It works for us, at least so far. :-)