Broke up after more than 4 years...

Philippines
June 23, 2009 12:56am CST
I just broke up with my boyfriend after over 4 years of being together. I just found out that he had affairs with three women throughout the time we were together. What is even worse is that he actually had a one year old kid (I don't know if he had more!). It has been a week since we broke up and I feel so lost. I miss him every single day. Since the break up he had stopped texting and calling me. There are times I just want to pick up the phone and call him. I want us to get back together again just to stop the pain I am feeling even though at the back of my mind I know we would never be as happy as we had been in the past. I could not even begin to imagine myself being happy without him by my side. I am just so sad. I kept asking myself what I could have done to make things different but I also don't want to punish myself for his fault. He told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and that he couldn't believe he just ruined it. But I guess he had moved on caused he stopped calling altogether. I feel like such a loser. I kept thinking about how I am going to die alone and sad. I have always tried to be a good partner to him. I gave up a lot just to be with him and now, I don't even have him anymore. I can't think straight and I just feel so lost... What am I going to do? Should I call him? Should I just let everything go?
5 people like this
16 responses
@chelsit (105)
• United States
23 Jun 09
You just need to be strong and fight the urge to call him, believe me we have all been there you just need time, because if he was cheating on you throughout the relationship that simply means he did not love you enough to be faithful. You need to just let him go and whenever you are feeling low just think of all the things he did to you while you guys were still involved, believe me it does get better.
• United States
23 Jun 09
Yes, Just fight the urge and you will see it will get easy . right now let it all out and once you do that you will start to heal . it will be crazy but all at once you will see that you will be ok .
2 people like this
• Philippines
24 Jun 09
There are days when I feel like my heart is getting ripped off and there are days I can focus on the fact that he hurt me bad. It is a day to day battle. It is difficult to just leave it all behind but seeing the gravity of whqat happened, i know there is no more reason for me to stay in a relationship where I am no longer happy. I do hope it gets better soon. Thanks for the advice.
1 person likes this
@arkansos (546)
• India
23 Jun 09
First of all congrats on getting out of a bad relationship. And comon you feeling sad, and feel like a loser? it happens to all of us. That's why breakup is supposed to be sad. But you'll get over it. People always do. If you want to,l get a rebound guy. Someone smart. I know people would not recommend it, but hey it works. Or you could h chat o/l with some smart guy here on mylot....chat as in use yahoo, or s/t And donot call him. donot not call him. It will make things worse. I know it from personal experience. Once you breakup, stay broken up.....esp if he is wrong. I made the mistake of calling one girl I broke up with, because I was bored. Dun ask what happened. It ended up in me wanting to kill her. So cheer up. He was a rascal, and u dumped him....Good for you
2 people like this
• Philippines
24 Jun 09
I do feel proud that even thoughit kills me, I got out and had the resolve to stay away. I guess there are just time when i want to stop the pain by just entertaining the thought of trying to salvage the relationship. But you are right, I got out and should stay out. I guess getting a rebound guy could work but I guess I would like to heal myself for now. Then I'll start looking for love. Hopefully that comes soon. Thanks so much for being so nice.
1 person likes this
@arkansos (546)
• India
24 Jun 09
no problems, honey. You could also consider a little revenge. Like putting his face on a poster of VDs and put them on the subs and near his house. Or if you are in school, lace his drink with a little colon blow just before his exams....Take your pick
2 people like this
@arkansos (546)
• India
24 Jun 09
k I forgot he had a kid. The first one works just fine lol
1 person likes this
@cainam (493)
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
i think that he really loves you coz he did'nt leave you for the girl he got a child with.. but you're not the one who should make the first move of getting back together.
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
That is just it. Even if he did not choose this girl over me, I don't think I could ever trust him again after everything he did. He just betrayed me and all the while I thought we were happy and that we could start on our future together. Thanks for responding!
1 person likes this
@mama_bear (1121)
• Canada
23 Jun 09
once a cheater always a cheater girl, and your relationship shall always be tainted and every time the phone rings or he goes out you will always wonder what he is up to, and that is not any way to live. trust me it may work out for a little while then after you have wasted more time on him you will discover that he has not changed. save yourself the emotional trauma.
1 person likes this
@metschica25 (5405)
• United States
23 Jun 09
Scarlet witch, I am so sorry you feel lost and are feeling the pain of a broken heart. He was your world for four years and letting that go will take time . You need to heal right now , and become as strong as you can , and understand that you deserve better . You have to let him know that yes you love him , but if he can't see what he did is wrong , and if he can't become a real man you dont ever want him back . You did nothing wrong , and yes even I blame myself ... But it was him and you are not a loser at all. Time for you is the key . Give yourself one month and go from there . Maybe you will see you can live without him and will find happiness. Best of luck dear
• Philippines
24 Jun 09
Yes you are so right. It's like going to battle everyday. Some days are better than others. I know this too shall pass and then I will be a lot happier than I could ever be if I stayed with a cheater like him. Thanks a lot!
1 person likes this
@leanette (3003)
• India
23 Jun 09
Scarletwitch am sorry about your breakup. Four years is a long time and getting over with it is not easy. I know its really hard for you, it would have been hard for anyone. If I was you I would have been definitely tempted to forget that he ever cheated on me and would have gone back to him. I would have gotten what I wanted, but that would have been disrespectful on me. Let it all out, don't pretend you're ok when you're not, but just try to make an effort to get done with a relationship that you know will be wasted if you tried getting back and move on. I know this has crushed your self-image so in the meantime pay more attention to yourself, LOVE yourself, try to boost your image up, it will help a lot get over.
2 people like this
• Philippines
24 Jun 09
What you said is exactly what I felt when we broke up. I just wanted to make myself believe that I could just forget the fact that he cheated on me and just go on with the relationship. Fortunately, I had the clarity to tell myself that the relationship is beyond repair. I guess you are right, I have loved him long enough that I lost sight of myself. It's about time I love myself too. Thanks for the understanding!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
True love really hurts and the pain won't go away easily but it does fade with time. There are no remedies or quick fix for you to feel numb, for whether you like it or not he has been part of your life for the last four years and whether you' accept it or not you'd both had been through a lot both good and bad and that can't easily be stowed away from your heart or from your mind. I've been there and believe things are going to get tough, for the measure of your love to him would also be the measure of how much time and effort you'll need to forget him.
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
If the measure it would take to move on form this is the way I feel about him, then the prospect is bleak. I really loved him. And look what I ended up with. I wish there was a way to convince myself right now that being apart is the best thing for us to be. It's just really hard. Thanks for your thoughts.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
That's really sad :( That rat! Some men really know how to sink low! Gosh! But what's sadder is you still want him back after what he did to you. I guess there really are people who loves unconditionally, no matter what, no matter how painful. But gurl, you should learn to love your self more than anyone else. The guy is hurting you and doesn't respect you at all by cheating and lying to you. You'll get over him (I hope). My friend recovered... The guy already proposed (she's got a ring for God's sake!) then he broke up with her 3 months before the wedding just because he got another girl pregnant, and gosh! They've been together for 7 years, since we were in college! You can do it too, go out with friends, have fun, start loving and indulging yourself... Good luck and God bless..
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
He proposed to me too! I also have a stupid ring. I still love him and miss him every single day, but I know even if I so desperately want to , I will never go back to him anymore. It would be too difficult and complicated. It's just a struggle to not cave in. I hope I do heal soon. Then i can find that guy who will love me as much I love him. Thanks for the support!
1 person likes this
@med889 (5954)
23 Jun 09
He has betrayed you scarlet, he has hidden many truth of his life with you. How can you trust him again when he has not share these very important things with you in life, and now he has a one year son too. I know you still love him because I can understand 4 years is not 4 days and you are bound to love him in all these years, I am also with someone for 3 years and I wonder if he has done the similar thing to me then I might be loving him after that even if he has betrayed me but I would eventually concentrate more on my life too after he has gone. So it pains and it hurts when you want to talk to him, to make him answer many questions of yours, to touch him once, to share your feelings with him and he is not even there with you. You can call him though even if he has gone and you have a right to feel good again scarlet, as you are a human being who once loved a person more than your life. But do remember that sometimes letting go might be the hardest choice but it is not necessarily the wrong choice. You can be having someone better in life who deserve your true love and trust.
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
You are right. I know I just have to move on. I just have this horrible feeling in my stomach that makes me long for the times we were happy and in love. And now I will never have that back. It is just so sad. Thanks for your advice.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (20230)
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
Well calling would be the last option you need to consider. I think if you call this will just give him the clue that you could not resist him and I think the cycle continues and you will be the losing end in this game of his. I suggest that you should learn to heal yourself and him being around is just a temporary thing to relieve the pain that you are experiencing. I think letting go is a good choice for you. After four years of being lied to I guess you should be in a denial stage that you are craving for his attention again.
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
I guess you are right. and I have been trying to keep myself away from the phone for the longest times. I just really feel so depressed. Thanks for the advise.
1 person likes this
@ektarox (67)
• India
23 Jun 09
please sweetheart donot call him up...you are strong i know that..every woman has strength inside them..some know about it and some don't..no matter how week you feel ,you must know that you are strong!very very strong!and you have to survive..for your kid..and for all the good life can get you!i may sound very cliched...but i can tell you a few pointers on how to feel happy...spend more time with your kid....and other kids too...join a ngo..do good for others..do good to animals and troubled souls...be good and good will come to you:)..but please dont go back to your negative past...dont go back to your guy..no matter how tempted you feel.. you are strong and you will find a way out and you'l smile like never before!trust me!!:) :)
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8881)
• Singapore
23 Jun 09
scarletwitch12, Like the rest of the members here, I do not for one moment doubt his wolf under sheep clothing disguise and you still do not see the point. Well, let me put this straight to you, some man will resort to all means just to get into your pants. Forget about his lovey dovey acts when he has ulterior motives that itself is not a loving act but one of downright despicable and LUSTFUL. I cannot help but chide the reason(s) that he gave you for his misdemeanors with the 3 other women and a kid. Just think and wonder what did he say to each of the other 3 women. I am sure there are some similar despicable words. I really cannot say much for him except that he is really a disgrace to all the good men here. You just deserve better, so wake up and move on. This tree is really not worth your attention and tending. Take care and have a nice day.
• Philippines
23 Jun 09
I guess I needed that huh? I still love him and miss him terribly, but I am not wishing for us to get back together again. I know that would be very difficult and would set me up for a lifetime of hurt and disappointments. I guess i am just really sad it's over. And after I tried so hard to make it work. (I guess he did too!) I dont even know if I can start all over again when it comes to relationships. Thanks for the tough love. That is probably what I need right now.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Jun 09
I kept reminding myself that he does not deserve me at all and that i am so much better off without him. I guess some days are just better than others. Thanks for making me feel that there are people on my side. You are just so supportive.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
25 Jun 09
scarletwitch12, You must remind yourself that the world does not stop because you have broken off with a scum. Whether you are happy or brooding or sad over your break up, the earth will still continue to revolve, the sun will rise on the east and set in the west. So, other than just reminding yourself and playing mind games, get your hands dirty and do as much to stop thinking about it. You are not alone on this one and consider yourself lucky that you are not in the company of a feign. Take care and have a nice and happy day.
1 person likes this
@ledydien (85)
• Indonesia
3 Jul 09
Like the others responses, i agree for to not call him, and let him go. Maybe you'll never forget about him, because it's a 4 years relationship and it wont ever forget, and i know that... I was had a boyfriend for 4,5 years, he's my colleges, we was so in love (or maybe i'm the one who was too much in to him). I've already know and close with his family too... we had so much things good and bad together, we smile and sad together, until we've graduated and he's a job in other city. After he worked for a year he started had a close girlfriend, first he wont admitted that there is a relationship between them, but i had this feeling that there's something wrong with him... then he admitted it. So i asked him, if he wanted us to finished i'd agree, so we've finished now... Months after we broke up, i confused about what am i going to do, i felt empty, i felt that something missing, and i dont know what i have to do to filled the time that we used to do together... But then i started thinking that maybe we're not together because we didnt meant to be together, maybe it's not the best for us, i'm not the best for him and he's not he best for me, there must be someone which is the best for me, and better than him for me. The tought of that can make you feel easier to forget about him and to move your life... And now, i already found the one for me, and we've married and have a family :). So... you just let everything go and start searching for someone best for you... OK???
• Philippines
5 Jul 09
I also got very close to his family. His family was so nice to me. I am also going through that phase when I am trying to find other things to do because I got so used to spending that time with him. I know it is going to get worse before it gets any better. Thanks for the response.
• Indonesia
5 Jul 09
you r welcome... wishing all the best for you...
• United States
1 Jul 09
Scarlet MOVE ON!! i know that it must be hard to hear this but hey you need to do it. I know you can do better!!! Come on he had 3 other women and a child amy be more than one. If you get back with him you will just be killing yourself. He does not deserve you!! And he hasn't even tried to call you or maybe explain himself!! I dontl even think there can be an explanation for what he did. I can't believe he did this to you. He was living a double no a triple life. I know you must miss him but trust me time heals all. You will find someone else that will treat you the way you want to be treated they way you should be treated. Give it time you will be much better than you are now. I wish you the best of luck and joy in your life. Take care of yourself and if you ever need anything add me and i will be more than happy to help you out. I too used to be in a 4 yr relationship for nothing. But i do thank him beacause i learned alot in the time i was with him. Like not falling for a dumb butt like him. LOL!!!! Everything is a lesson from GOD and he will never give you more than you can handle. Hope I helped you out, Maria
• Philippines
3 Jul 09
Oh you helped me a lot Maria. I agree with you that God never gives us things we cannot handle. I went through hell the past few days but I made it through without calling him or texting him. He did try to start texting again but I just dont want to go back anymore. There are times I still ache for him, but I guess what my friends in mylot say is true- I am better off without him. I would be glad to add you and be friends with you. If there is a silver lining in this, it is the fact that I am being given a chance to be with people who are so nice they are willing to help out people they do not even know. Thank you so much!
• United States
4 Jul 09
I am so happy that you read my comment. I hoped that I helped you out. Oh and thanks for adding me to your friends list I would love to be your friend. I love to help people and if you ever need anything else just let me know. If I can help you out I am more than happy to do it. Well talk to you later bye maria
@cwong77 (2011)
• Malaysia
5 Jul 09
hi, I share the fair share of your problem as me too was cheated, and its bad. If you think calling him will make you feel better, you may consider, however, you will have to make clear that you will regret after that, as you might be humiliated by him as you are the one that go to him first, as he no longer wanted to call you. He also be busy to entertain the others too and won't have time for you! Maybe that 1 call, you may be able to realise he is not that important to you anymore... go ahead and call, if that will make you feel good and better.. :)
• Philippines
7 Jul 09
I want to be able to still call him, talk to him, but I should know better right? Since we broke up, we still haven't talked. You are right he may be moving on with his life and I should do the same. It's a long road but I am nearing the time when I no longer miss him and no longer yearn for him. Thanks for the well wishes!
@sid556 (30997)
• United States
4 Jul 09
I hate to say this but you are the perfect type of personality to put up with abuse.You really are. You have extremely low esteem. You miss this man that cheated on you with 3 different women and had a child with one...all behind your back. Did you cheat on him? I am guessing ...not even once. I understand the shock of finding out that you've been decieved by someone you love but you are feeling like a loser when you have done nothing wrong. He should be the one feeling like a loser and you should be very angry. You are not going to die alone even tho i'm sure it feels it right now. You are blaming yourself here for not being "good enough" for some guy that most women would run from. you have a very low esteem. You need to pick yourself up and do things to build up your esteem. you deserve much better than this.
• Philippines
5 Jul 09
I must admit that this does not strengthen one's self esteem. The reason we are over is because I didn't want to put up with the cheating. I never knew about it until the time I broke it off. I felt like I lost in the game because I have given so much of myself in the relationship. There are times when I felt like caving in and just calling him but I decided I am better off without him in my life. That is why I posted it all in here. So that I could have an outlet cause I know what I must do. I just really feel so sad at times. Thanks for the response.
@jpso138 (7865)
• Philippines
1 Jul 09
I am sure that you are feeling hurt right now. Four years is quite long enough and that would surely bring much pain to you. But considering what he has done, it is never your fault. If you call him it would give him the idea that everything is alright. Well, he has deceive you for four years and considering this, I do not think that he is all worth it.
• Philippines
3 Jul 09
I have to stop thinking about the years we spend together and focus on the reasons why we are apart. I guess you are right that if I try to contact him or try to start up with him again, it would give him the impression that he can get away with anything. And at this point, more pain is the last thing I need. You are right, he is not worth it! Thanks for responding!