My Niece And I Had Another Falling Out Through Text Messaging
By CatsandDogs
@CatsandDogs (13963)
United States
June 25, 2009 12:34pm CST
Most of you know the situation between my nephew and I. He rented my parents place before he married his wife and not even two months after the wedding, she left him for another man. They were going to buy the house but since she left him, he couldn't buy the house alone because he didn't make enough money. He made a huge mess with the house and would not keep it clean nor would he answer his phone when someone called him. Hubby and I tried our best to help him out and called him several times to see when we could come up (4 hours drive) to clean the house because he had to move out. You see, the realtor tried to call him to set up a time to show the house, he would not answer his phone nor would he call her back. He wouldn't for anybody! It didn't matter who called, he would not answer or call back. Once he moved out or half azz moved out, hubby and I went up to clean and paint the house so it would sell faster. What a waste of time because that was in January and the house still hasn't sold. My parents had to refinance their loan for an interest only loan so they could "afford" the payments.... yeah right.... 7 - 8 hundred a month while on social security. Well, when we got up there, my nephew showed up to get more of his "junk", hubby helped him but wasn't friendly with him (what the hell did he expect?)dad was there the whole time and saw everything however, my nephew tells his dad that my husband had gotten into his face AND that his g'dad wasn't there!! What a bold azz lie!! Apparently he told his sister and she wouldn't talk to me for a while until I called her to find out why, that's how I found out about the lie my nephew has told! Oh gosh, we had gotten into a very heated discussion and frankly, if she were in front of me that day, she'd have gotten her azz kicked!! I was hot to trot MAD!! In the end, we got it all straightened out and all was well but it took a long while to get there. I didn't give it much more thought after that till we got home 5 days later. I had called my brother to see if he wanted to go in on something for our parents and the conversation shifted about his son lying on my husband. Well it got heated and he choose to believe his son, oh I was livid!! My husband is a good man and doesn't deserve this treatment!! So I relayed to my hubby what had just happened and he was hot to trot and called my dad and was very frank with him about him being there and that he needs to get involved and tell my brother the truth which dad did but my brother and dad got into a heated discussion and dad told him that it was true, that he was there but my brother chose to believe his son!! In the meantime, I had sent a text message to my nephew letting him know that I want NOTHING to do with him until the truth comes out and I sent it to his mother, his dad, and his sister so they would all know EXACTLY what I said and no lies could be told. From then on, my niece decided AGAIN, she wasn't going to text me anymore. I've sent her a text when she was robbed to let her know that I'm glad she's ok and when her husband came home from Iraq, I sent two "Welcome Home" messages to her and still no answer. Well she's on facebook and says her cell phone was broke and she had to get a new one and lost everybody's phone number so I sent her a text and this is how it went.
M is me and K is my niece.
M: Need phone numbers? Will you talk to me? I will not beg for you to. Here's my cell ***-***-****. J is the same but ends in *. Home is ***-***-****.
K: Thanks for the numbers :) no need to beg I'm not ignoring you:) I'm going to get back to watching this movie with C but will add the #'s =)
K: Ok added thank you sooooo much again
M: I do love you. Hope you know that. I know you're angry at me but if you knew the whole story between your dad, K and I you may or may not understand where I'm coming from. As it is, I'm so very hurt that anybody especially my own family could think so little of me. I still love all of you regardless. That will never change!
K: I'm not mad I just want to stay out of that whole situation... why ruin a relationship with someone for no reason. I'd rather not be involved in it at all.
K: But I love you :)
M: That's fine, I can understand that except when I texted you after we talked you wouldn't text me back. I knew then that you were mad at me again. That hurt! Not to mention your brother lying on J and his granddad like he did! I don't want any part of him unless he admits the truth BEFORE granddad passes on! **** hurt him enough as it is and now K? I'm sorry but that took the cake! And for your dad to talk to granddad like he did was plain WRONG.
K - I can't answer for dad or brother.... this is why I don't want to be involved this is too much stress I hate the conflict in the family but its not my conflict I never intend to come off as mean but no one would drop it when I said to leave me out of it. I had C homecoming a miscarriage a robbery and a lot of my own.
I just want to have my own relationship that doesn't involve anyone elses drama If that makes sense I'm sorry if it was mean just trying to take care of me. So if we could move forward from here without talking k and dad I'd love that it would be wonderful :)
M - Then why did you ignore my texts? I thought we had made amends apparently we didn't since you wouldn't talk to me. I was told by g'ma that you may be pregnant and I told her to tell you that when you're off your high horse and call me yourself then I'd congratulate you but until then, you could keep on going and I meant it too. I will not play these childish games. You are faster at this texting than I am! Now I do agree, lets keep them out of our relationship! There's always two sides to every story! If this happens again, I will be finished with you too! I refuse to be hurt by you or anybody else again. I don't deserve this so I won't have it.
K - I'm not going to play them either. I'm trying to be nice but no childish games when I found out soon after I told grandma I miscarried there was no news to tell.
K - (again) Ok well then we are done I have not done anything... and I'm tired of this
M - You obviously can't read! I said IF it happens again! Now if you want it right now, SO BE IT!
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3 responses
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Jun 09
I am sorry you are having these problems. It seems that (especially with family members) no matter what you do you seems to end up getting hurt and being the bad guy. I truly hope that everything works out and your family appreciates just what a godsend you are.
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
25 Jun 09
My brothers will never learn how much we've helped because our parents don't tell them. They, no doubt haven't a clue to all that we've done and continue to do. We've even given them $2,500. a month or so ago to help them out and they haven't told my brothers because they don't want them to feel they have to match it. That's fine in one sense but in another, they need to know. Now the reason we gave them that amount was because my ex-husband had borrowed a thousand dollars from them so we could get a place of our own and never paid them back. Granted that was back in 1986 but it was still money borrow from them and owed them. They wouldn't take it from me years earlier because they said my ex borrowed it not me but I say I married the sob so therefor I owed it too for if I hadn't married him, then he wouldn't have borrowed it. The other $1,500. was for a tractor that dad gave us but we instead wanted to buy it from him because they needed the money so badly. We still haven't gotten the tractor yet because it needs to be overhauled but that's ok, that's not the point, the point is, they needed the money so they got it. Then we've bought them clothes that they both badly needed and I told my brother that they needed this and that but he just had to ask mom knowing full well that she's going to say no and she did just that so he didn't get anything. We did it. We bought mom a little over a hundred dollars worth of clothes and bought dad some t-shirts, underpants and diabetic socks which are very expensive but we got it for him. Mom happened to find some work pants that dad likes, on sale and got him a few pairs so now they're both good as far as clothes go and money for now. I've tried so many times to get my brothers to help but they won't.
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Hey Cats,
It's about time you let them all go. You and your hubby have enough to deal with taking care of your parents and keeping peace with them. I know it's hard to turn away from family but when family continues to hurt you over and over again, only you can do what is best for you. You really need to walk away and don't look back. The best part of your family is your hubby. As long as the two of you are happy and take care of each other, what more do you need? I know what you are going through. Right now I'm going through a bad situation with some of my siblings.
Like Oreo said, way too much drama and unnecessary stress. No more texting and no more calls. Let them live their lives and hopefully they won't bother you again. Really sweetie, you don't need their abuse. Big hugsssss
leenie
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
26 Jun 09
You are most definitely right about that. I have let them go once and for all. I'm so sick of their mind games and BS that I don't want to be around it anymore. It's the VERY reason I married my husband even though I didn't know him. I met him, we dated for two weeks, got engaged, he left for a week to get his military orders and got two weeks leave to spend with me before he left for Texas while I was in Virginia, gone for 5 months and came back two days before the wedding. We've been married now for almost 17 years and are as happy as two people can be!! I married him to get away from my family and the nightmare hometown. I wanted to get as far away from them as I could and I did! It was the best thing I've ever done! Now not that I'm counting on the day for it to happen but it's part of life and it will happen eventually to all of us.... that said, when mom and dad are gone, so are we. I mean that too. We're going to move to a different state or possibly stay in this state and not let ANYBODY know and start fresh. We have to because I'm so sick and tired of the self centeredness of my family that I want NO part of them what so ever. However, my oldest brother has tried to keep in touch SOME, not much and it's his son that's here visiting with our parents and it's from his son that we find out that they go on cruises every 6 months or so and are saving for another "trip" which is to Alaska all the while our parents are down here struggling! It just makes me plain sick!! How the hell can a child not care to help when it comes to their parents?! Granted, mom and dad have done me wrong and probably have them too but damn it all, they are our parents and are about to leave us so why not make the best of memories NOW and there will be no regrets later?! I mean, I don't understand it, let the past be what it is, THE PAST!! Hell if I can do it, they sure as hell can!! My brothers didn't get the hell that I got!! Not even half of it and I'm here with them loyally!!
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Marti,
You'll never understand your brothers and why they do what they do, because you aren't like them. You've never said what happened to you when you were younger but you are a very caring and loving daughter and wife. You and I are much alike in that I too want to leave this town that I was born and raised in just to get away from my selfish and self centered siblings. I moved from here right after I got married in 1970 and lived in California for 30 years. I came home in 2000 and now wish I never did. My hubby and I both want to leave Orlando and possibly the State as soon as it is financially possible. Cheer up sweetie, I know how you feel and they aren't worth your anxiety.
leenie
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
It's amazing that you turned out to be such a loving and lovely woman. You deserve all the peace and love you can get in your life. Have you ever wondered why your Mom is the way she is? I'm sure that question is something you've wondered all your life but I'm wondering what might have happened in her early years that made her so angry at times. You have a lot of weight on your shoulders and unloading your brothers and their families can only be a good thing for you. I truly admire you.
Love Ya
leenie
2 people like this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Hey, Cat. I had a mouthful of my own to say here but Oreo said pretty much what I wanted to day, almost verbatim! So, just re-read her response.
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to take a little vacation from your family. Seriously! Everyone seems to be way too wrapped up in all this drama. There's so much "he said, she said" going on. Either everyone has to get together and have one big rap session, or you should back away, just for awhile.
I'd write to my brothers (if I were you) and tell them exactly what Mom and Dad need. I'd send those letters 'Return Receipt Requested' to be sure they get them AND read them. I'd tell them where your parents stand, financially, and what help they need on an ongoing basis. I'd also tell them that I'm going on vacation... for a month. I wouldn't go anywhere (or maybe I would), but just let my brothers know that I won't be available, our parents have needs and can't be ignored, and it's their turn to do the right thing. "Dump" it all in their laps. You could even tell your parents what you are doing, and let them know that you are still there for them, but you want to see if your brothers will step up to the bat.
Oh, I know you and understand that you would be worrying yourself sick the entire time you were trying to avoid all this, but I really think you should, for your own health and well-being. It won't do anyone any good if you make yourself sick again! Worry and stress can do that, as you know.
Now, about your niece. It sounds to me like she didn't let you know about her miscarriage because it was just too painful to be telling every single person in the family. I had a miscarriage, of sorts (tubal pregnancy that ruptured) and I know how devastatingly depressed I got afterward. I only told my mother about it, no one else, well, except for the counselor I saw about it (church counselor).
From what you've said, it sounds to me like she simply wants to stay out of all of that "he said, she said" stuff. I'm sure she has enough on her mind right now and simply can't handle all the other family issues. Knowing how my own kids are right now, even though they are adults, they still don't always answer my calls or emails. I don't ask them why. I know why. They have their own agendas and sometimes just forget. I don't let it bother me because I can remember being their ages myself. I had too much to do to be talking with my mother every day! Sometimes, a week or even two would go by without my talking with my mother. I knew she was okay, healthy and had more than enough money, so I didn't worry about her.
I know it's hard to let go when you've been the responsible one for so long, but you and your husband need time together without having to handle all the family issues. It's time for your brothers to grow up and take on the responsibility they were given at birth: to take care of their parents when they needed it. It's obvious that they need to be forced into it, so giving them a no-choice scenario is what is needed.
Tell them you're going on vacation, what your parents need, what they have to do, let your parents know that you're not abandoning them and that you'll be around but tell them not to let your brothers know that, then go enjoy yourself!
You know, I just thought of something else. Why not go to your church and speak to the counselor there (they all have one)? Ask him what you should do. Tell him you're simply overwhelmed by everything that is going on and that you need your brothers' help with your parents needs. A professional counselor just might be able to give you more sound advice than anyone here.
I wish you the best of luck, Cats. You deserve a lot more stress-free time than you've been getting!
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Hi Marti, I sent you a rather lengthy email because mylot only gives so much room on here to explain and not only that, I wanted to respond within your paragraphs so you'd get a better understanding of it all. There's so much more to tell and I will get it to you eventually but the pain that's been inflicted on me can not and will not go away. I'll explain that in a bit.... soon....
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Okay, Cats. I got it and responded. What you need to do right now is something that will calm you down. I know this isn't doing your body any good and we all know what it's doing to your mind! So, whatever you do that relaxes you, you should do it right now. Nothing will be resolved in the next hour so take that time and do something for yourself. Try to clear your mind of all this because worrying about it isn't going to make it better and might make you sick. We don't want you sick!
Take a bubble bath, go for a swim in your pool, work in the garden, eat a gallon of ice cream! Whatever it takes, whatever makes you happy, you should do now. It helps. Believe me, I know! Been there, done that!
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