Angry and violent partner

July 13, 2009 1:51pm CST
My partner has recently started becoming scarily angry over nothing. He harms himself by hitting his head violently against a wall and punches walls and things like that. Last week he thought he would have to go to A&E it hurt so much. If you ask why he does these things he says because there was no one else around to hurt. Anyway, not only am I worried for him but I am worried for myself. He has been physically abusive to me before (around 2 years ago now) but seeing him get like this again is making me scared of being around him. I don't know what to do to help him or stop this. I have tried speaking to him but he says he doesn't want to talk about it. If I am honest I am worried he is going to hurt me again. When he gets angry I try and calm him down and make everything okay but he snaps and is horrible. I am scared of doing anything incase he beats me up and won't stop. I am also scared of him commiting a crime. The way he talks with such hatred about people makes me scared. Because if someone doesn't kill him then he is going to end up killing someone else. I don't really know what I want people to say. I guess I just wanted to write all this down and hope someone could make sense of everything. I don't know what to think anymore. :(
1 person likes this
14 responses
@MissTina (124)
• United States
13 Jul 09
Well, obviously and needless to say, you should not continue in a relationship with this man. Obviously you still feel the need to though or else you would've left already, and I am no fool I know you cannot convince another woman to leave a man when she does not want to! When he is angry and this man, you do NOT try to help him calm down, you leave. Quickly and quietly you avoid him at all costs! He is this angry and this violent because he has serious issues withing himself. He clearly dislikes who he is! The only thing that will help him is finding a way to make him love himself. The best bet is for him to go to counseling, as well as to anger management classes!
1 person likes this
13 Jul 09
I wish the situation was easier. You see, he lives rather a long way away from where I live and since I don't drive I have to rely on public transport which is not very frequent from where we are. So there really is no escape that is why am I so scared! I have suggested councelling to him before but I think I will again. Thanks for your response
1 person likes this
@MissTina (124)
• United States
13 Jul 09
I mean no offense at all, but clearly you put this discussion on here because you have a desire for honest real responses. Well I think that you are just finding all ways to make excuses for putting up with him, and keeping yourself in an unsafe situation. You can always leave, or just as simple NEVER GO! You can always get yourself away from a dangerous situation you can go to another room, you can go outside, you can go to the store. I understand that he is your boyfriend of awhile now, but if you know that he is dangerous no excuse will make it worth it when your fears come true. You say you know that he will hit you and make it a very dangerous situation. You even said you fear that he won't stop! Take those fears seriously!
@whywiki (6070)
• Canada
13 Jul 09
Run fast and run far. You don't need to live like that. I was once in a bad relationship with a drunk who would drink and abuse. The best thing I ever did was cut him lose. He didn't want to change for me or himself so I left. My mental health is much better now. It was a hard thing to do I loved him but with the support of friends I moved on and now am with a guy who treats me right and himself. Life is better on this side of the fence. He doesn't deserve you.
1 person likes this
@rajupaul (973)
• India
21 Aug 09
Dear loter don't worry I suggest you please take care of your partner. Better Take him to a good psychologist. Your partner needs some guidelines which can improve his life style. I shall ask to leave him but give support to him.
@voldrox (7202)
• India
14 Jul 09
hi pinklemonade, I am so sorry to hear that, you must me having a hard time understanding him, and he also must be having a hard time... what i think is that, there is something in his mind that he doesn't want to share with you and it is eating him up... something that shines up somewhere in his mind when something wrong happens... i think he just needs some time alone.... give him some time alone and see how it goes.... be careful is all i can say, and do take good care!
@Rodlkm (123)
• Malaysia
14 Jul 09
Hi.Your description scares me. I seriously think that he has an issue in controlling his anger, frustration and rage. And what is more scary is that he can turn all this feeling into something physical. If you can't talk him into going for some form of counselling, I seriously suggest that you walk out before he hurts you. When he is angry or is frustrated, trying to calm him down is probably the last thing you might want to do, because he could interprete that as blaming him or putting him at fault which agitate him even further. As a result, he would turn all his anger and frustration at you. Your life deserves something better than this.
@cutygirl (576)
• India
14 Jul 09
You should leave him if he doing such things, or if you can't leave him try to understand why he is behaving such a way. care for him as a child. make him more happy, he himself will tell you about problems.
• India
14 Jul 09
same to same prblem
@andy77e (5163)
• United States
13 Jul 09
I think I would have left 2 years ago. If he *can* get that way, then he *will* get that way. Once you know what he is capable of, it's time to move on. I'm a bit blunt, but that's the way I am. Pack your stuff up, and move out before you get seriously injured. When you do, he will suddenly turn into the most loving caring smooth talking liar you've ever met. He'll promise he'll change and everything will be perfect again. It's a lie. Pack your stuff, move out, don't come back. You can not help him. You can't save him. You can't change him. Those are lies foolish people tell young girls. I have a friend who was abused by her husband. She moved out, and he promised her the world. She foolishly went back, and he beat the crap out of her again and again. Do not do this. Get out while you can. Like I said. I'm very blunt. Move out, don't look back. Weep for the loss, but don't return to the harm.
@carlas (201)
• United States
13 Jul 09
Honey- You just need to get away as fast as you can. This is very dangerous for you! Seriously.
• United States
13 Jul 09
You say you have no friends. Was this before or after meeting him? People who abuse like to cut you off from everyone you care about, till you believe no one cares about you, so that you will stay with them no matter what. Maybe you have friends or family from years ago wanting to reconnect, wondering where you've gone. And we obviously don't have to tell you that punching doors and threatening to hurt people means he will probably hurt you again. He needs serious help, and you can't force him to get that help, and you can't give it to him yourself. It's time to get out before this gets worse. You might end up in a position where leaving is literally life threatening. You could even be there now. There are plenty of shelters, and I promise you that more people than you can imagine would give you a couch to sleep on till you can get yourself back up on your feet. Best wishes to you.
@XiaoLin (289)
• Italy
13 Jul 09
Try to find someone who could help you. You say you have no friends, but maybe there are people who would help if you ask, even if you don't consider them friends yet. people at work, neighbours, ... Be careful and try to go away from him. Nobody better than you would know how dangerous he could be. Good luck
@mrakobesie (1246)
• United States
13 Jul 09
Is he taking any medications that he wasn't taking before? or steroids? some medications and steroids can make people very aggressive. also next time he hurts himself, call the police and tell them that he might need psychiatric help. they can force him to stay in psychiatric institution until they find a way to help him. if not that, find saint john's wart tea or extract and give it to him, they are good to calm someone down. valerian root helps too... another thing that might help is an orgonite, honestly don't know why exactly they help with anger problems, but they do... just be sure to find a good quality one, an HHG from a good source would be excellent to keep at home, but something he can carry with him would be good when he is away.
@rainmark (4303)
13 Jul 09
Oh your story scared me. I think he got a problem mentally. Try to take him to the psychologists for a test. And i tell you it scary to live with him for the possiblities of beating you up and ended up worst. I think you need to talk to him and try to bring his normal attitude back. Be careful with him. cheers.
@hsofyan (3448)
• Jakarta, Indonesia
13 Jul 09
I far as one, people suddenly like the angry, probably because of stress or alkoholic. If dangerous for you, you should avoid. May be better, if your partner consult with psychologist / psychiatrist. Is there a psychologist / psychiatrist here?