Poetry Feedback Needed
By Vallie26
@Vallie26 (349)
United States
November 12, 2006 10:45pm CST
I am a poetry writer and I would love any feedback.
I cry out to those
I've left behind
try to calm their pain
with words of a different kind
I'm happy now
I can breathe again
it is beautiful here
a new peace within
On the day the angels
took my hand
I got the chance to live again
in a different land
I spend my days
playing among the clouds
where pain and suffering
are never allowed
Think of me I know you all
still care
through your dreams
I'll always be there
Keep memories of me
in your heart
and of your life
I'll always be a part.
©Valorie Hakola 2002
3 people like this
9 responses
@wathanjim (2214)
• United States
13 Nov 06
Great words.Keep it alive turn them in to songs.Got any more?
2 people like this
@Vallie26 (349)
• United States
13 Nov 06
I have considered setting them to music but I haven't done it yet.:0)
Yep I have many more.
Here is another:
Hiding
They can't see the scars
that are hidden inside
Signs of a pain
you've learned how to hide
People think they understand
but they just don't know
They don't live with an illness
that doesn't show
On the outside looking in
when will your real life begin
Anger,hatred, worry, and tears
All you want is someone
to calm your fears
You want to be yourself
to not have to mask your pain
Will he be there to hold your hand
when the illness takes reign?
Let everyone think you're happy
what harm could it do
The only thing you are hiding
is you
copyright Valorie Hakola 2003
2 people like this
@AJ1952Chats (2332)
• Anderson, Indiana
13 Nov 06
This is a comforting poem, and it has new meaning for me now that my dad has passed on, and I often have dreams in which he plays a part. Very few of those dreams have shown him frail from Parkinson's but, instead, he looks as he did several years ago.
I had an unusual dream when I nooded off for a few minutes at my desk. It was about meeting Justin Chambers at one of John & Dorothy's neat family reunions. They were his grandparents, and John was my mom's first cousin.
Anyway, I was just about to meet him when I woke up and remembered that, in this life, there would be no more of John and Dorothy's family reunions.
Or, perhaps, just for a fleeting second, there was. It was very real to me with relatives there who had passed on several years ago, including my dad. It seemed very natural at the time. Until I woke up again, I'd forgotten that so many of them had passed on.
@angel_1202 (129)
• Canada
13 Nov 06
I like your poems- are you a member of any sites like fictionpress.com?
1 person likes this
@heathertruett (478)
• United States
13 Nov 06
I really like the beginning. The end, well, it felt like you were forcing the rhyme a little. I do so love that first verse though. "words of a different kind." I like it.
@dnatureofdtrain (5273)
• Janesville, Wisconsin
24 Nov 06
Awesome poems, nicely done....I really enjoyed them. I write too more for expressing myself then trying to earn off them. http://www.dnatureofdtrain.zzn.com ... If you want to read mine, or search mylot, I tagged some I wrote here a a responce to others posts or shared. Well, Nice to meet you keep on writing only suggestions I have is to add commas, colons, or periods :).
- DNatureofDTrain
