OK! I do not condone infidelity BUT....
July 19, 2009 8:18pm CST
... what would you do? Scenario: you have a friend, just a friend, but recently you have realized that you and this friend have a crush on each other. They are single, but you are not. However, even though you are not legally single, you might as well be emotionally and physically single for all the support you DON'T get from your spouse. Keep in mind this spouse treats you as if you can't do anything right, puts you down around their family and coworkers, doesn't like your friends, and never encourages you to pursue or enjoy anything that you're actually interested in. In fact, whenever they can possibly prevent you from enjoying anything you like, that's what they seem to do. Disclaimer - this is NOT ME. I felt I needed to add that just in case it alarms people I know. Continuing - the friend is going to be moving away shortly. You have not had a frank discussion with each other but this fact bothers both of you. Immensely. You KNOW that things for you are going to continue to stagnate or go downhill. There is little to no chance that things can be rescued and fixed with your spouse. Do you go have a talk with the friend and lay it out on the line, see if you both feel the same about the situation? Do you consider one night of infidelity, knowing it will probably go no further than that in the end because of the moving? Or... do you let it go? Never find out because not knowing is less painful than knowing might possibly be? Having never personally been in this situation, I can say that I can't answer part of the question, but I can answer this - I would definitely talk, privately, and say everything I needed to say, and ask, no BEG the other person to say everything they needed to say too, regardless of how hard it was. I am one of those who would rather know the truth than have someone hide it from me, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it's tragic. Not knowing is a worse hell than having an answer you didn't want, in my opinion. waiting quietly with my eyes squeezed shut for your inspiration, opinions, and ideas lol.
3 people like this
20 Jul 09
Well mommmyboo, I have very definite views on this one. First of all. If things are so bad with a spouse, them there are only two solutions, try to work it out or let it go. Either way, it might be a lengthy process but a needed one. Now until the moment that the person is "free" and the whole process is finished I'm afraid I don't agree with any involvement. Or - it might sound too inflexible , but it's the way I see it - sometimes not even a talk. The reason being that either can be a disaster, because the situation lends itself for people to try to hang onto something nice and more peaceful than what they're having at the moment. Some support, some comfort. And of course another person in the puzzle will provide that.It doesn't have to be real, just take away the pain/void/negative feelings etc. See where it can go wrong? It could be ok to keep in touch with said friend, and if after the move, and after everything was done and the situation cleared up, the feelings about him were still the same, then it would be the time to work on that. I'm sorry if this sounds too old fashioned, too restricted, or too anything, but that is the only way it would feel right, to me. Being married does not blind anyone to others or closes down doors to feeling attracted to someone else - even more so if the marriage is not working well.- however it should close them to act on it. Unless it was agreed at the beginning of the relationship - hopefully before getting married - that this was acceptable for both. Otherwise, acting on such thing should be done only after all is over and some time passed. Why do I feel so strong about this? Because I have seen it happen. Many, many times. When things are not going well in a relationship, people sometimes cling to/or get close to others that can bring more positive emotions. The problem with this, is that the more it happens, the more the mind gets clouded , thus interfering with a reality view at the original relationship itself. Sometimes things that can be solved, and would, if there was no external influence, become impossible if there is. Even people that are aware of this, sometimes fall in this trap, as a very good friend of mine found out. She's a psychologist, and knows what the dynamics are in such situations, but still she found herself in a complicated situation where she wasn't even able to analyze her own relationship in real way. After things are over, I often hear " How did this happen?" , "why was my memory so selective? ". Main point? There is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone else, even when one is married or in a relationship already. It can happen. But it's how one acts on it, that shows who we are.
20 Jul 09
We're on the same page, as usual :) I would have left before if things were that bad as well. Although it would be a very difficult process because I have some leftover issues from my situation as a kid, so a united family tends to be foremost in my list of emotional and even self esteem needs. But even with all those as a package, I would still leave. I"m thinking of how I would be answering this question ten years ago, but I would still feel the same... I would have to go back a bit more to probably have a different perspective, but then again I am older than you :) I also agree with you that one it's only one person trying to work things out, it won't get anywhere, at least in the majority of cases. It has been known to happen, but it is not common. I like that part where you say you would probably put a time limit on it. Because it's what I would do. In regards to your question about a person that had left, but the divorce was not finalized yet, I think I would be more flexible. I think the key word is "leave"- physically -. I would be careful for some time after because sometimes it's easy to get into something just because of the rebound component. But I would certainly be much more flexible. Like you, I enjoy being married, and judging from what the dating scene looks to me nowadays I'm happy to stay that way as long as it keeps working well LOL
• United States
24 Jul 09
i personally would leave and not being in a crappy relationship (ideally but then again i guess you dont know till your in one) and would leave then possibly start up a relationship.. or if i had an agreement or an arrangement where we had an open relationship then i would go ahead.. i think if her sig other is that crappy then maybe its making ANYONE look attractive because she wants out so bad but doesnt have the guts to leave on her own.. but again ive never been in an abusive relationship so i dont know how its like so i may sound harsh.. no matter what i would have a frank convo with my friend and discuss it.. even if its mutual you can discuss it and even if you decide to not persue it it will at least be out in the open and if he is your real friend he wont pressure you into it.. if you feel so compelled you have to i just personally would leave the other first just to where it wouldnt complicate the relationship from hell i was in.. agh im rambling.. i havent slept lol.. forgive me if this makes NO sense or i have no tact lol
20 Jul 09
Ok, as simple as this, there's no big or little justification for infidelity, period. If THAT person is being abused in several emotional ways, disrespected and everything, what's the point ? Will cheating make things better, will it work as an equalizer "That'll show him/her!!!" Sorry darling, no excuses for this, if the friend wants to place cards on the table, needs to let go of whatever he/she has on hand right now with that pityful life he/she is carrying with. Otherwise, go ahead, life's to short not to waste it doing what we like.
• United States
20 Jul 09
I say ditch the spouse and go for the person that you love. I have seen a lot of women do this. When the spouse is away get all of your things. Leave things that can be tracked behind, get the divorce papers, and be with the man that you truly love. You do not want to be with a man that you hate because it will be nothing but heartache and pain in the end.
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jul 09
You work things out with your spouse first, one way or the other. And you make it clear to the other person that you have to do this first. If the marriage ends, you contact the other person again and see if there's still something there.
• United States
20 Jul 09
Ok, I don't agree with infedility...but I would suggest you and the friend talk and find out everything whether it's good or bad. Who knows if it's good maybe you would actually separate from your spouse and then take it from there and see what happens. If you are separated then it isn't cheating, especially if you know that your relationship that you have is stagnate/downhill. But that's my opinion.
• United States
20 Jul 09
One night of infidelity or a hundred nights of infidelity, the results are the same. The harm to the parties involved, all three of them can't be undone. I think your friend is in a loveless and demeaning marriage and is looking for some validation. Someone to tell her through words and action that she has value and worth. She isn't getting this in her marriage obviously. Everyone needs to feel loved. Everyone needs to feel as if they are of value to their partner and that they are prized. Everyone needs to be validated in their relationships. This is human nature and if we aren't getting emotional validation from our primary partner it is not unusual to seek outside of our marriage for the love and validation that we need. The problem is that the feelings of worthlessness, of being unloved and unlovable will escalate with infidelity unless one or both parties to the act are without moral boundaries. This is true whether the infidelity is emotional, physical or both. I think your friend needs to end the loveless marriage first. This should be done whether there is someone waiting on the other end or not. Once she is free of any conditional ties to the current spouse, then she can pursue other more fulfilling relationships with partners who will value her as a human, a woman, and a life-partner. So to answer the question, let it go. There is nothing to be gained in knowing.
20 Jul 09
i would like to have things all clear in the open, too... like you said - "Not knowing is a worse hell, than having an answer you didnt want." but even if the answer is something i didnt want - i surely would like to get myself out of that miserable marriage - especially when you say that "there is little to no chance that things can be rescued and fixed with your spouse".. so, even if things dont work out between the 2 'friends'.. the one with the miserable partner - should really do something about her marriage..