how to tell that he's adopted?
United Arab Emirates
July 22, 2009 2:25am CST
how you will tell that your son is adopted now that he's already 12 yrs old? is it necessary? or just leave it until he graduated high school and that's the time to explain him how he was adopted?
• United States
22 Jul 09
It really depends if you feel your child is mature enough to handle such big news. Some children at 12 are more mature than some 23 year old's I know. Some people say the earlier you tell a child the better, and in most cases that would make sense because younger children can more easily adapt to situations. However when you have a child already 12 that's a very sensitive age. Personally I think that at 12 years old, just going into teen years they have enough to deal with. It's hard to be a teenager, and their hormones and emotions are going to be all out of whack for a couple of years so I personally believe it's in the child's best interest to wait until they are at least 17 to tell them. By then they should be at a more stable point in their life to be able to understand, and absorb the information with less trauma. For one to find out they're adopted that is a huge life changing experience. Their whole life then becomes a big question, and it will be a difficult time for the child. He will probably have many questions, and want to know many things and it can be extremely emotional. Do some thinking and maybe speak to a counselor or even your regular doctor about it. Also try to find some support from other adoptive parents, and ask for guidance as they have been through it and can be on common ground with you.
22 Jul 09
This is not an easy thing, for sure. Telling that he is adopted would be a hard job for you. And, imagine how he feels. You wonder, when would be the best time to announce the truth? And, how should you say it? The best time to let him know is since the first time you see him. If it’s baby, do it by the time he might understand any of this talk about adoption (as young as two is good enough). If it’s a bigger kid (two or more), it’s better to tell him from day one so it is easier for you to maintain relationship with them. Some people say, the sooner they found out about the truth, the better. Yet, there are some others who wait until the kid gets at least six to eight years old. However, there are those who wait too long. Worse, these parents never plan to tell the kid. And, at the end, he finds out by himself. Can you imagine how much it hurts them, to find out not from the adopting parents themselves? That is why, the best thing to do is to tell them as early as possible. You wish to do it in the gentlest way possible for you don’t want to hurt them. Some parents use books. They buy those children books telling about adoption. They bring up the conversation from the book. Some others just tell him like that without forgetting to explain the reason why he is adopted. If the kid is young enough, no need to give the details about his biological parents, later on when he grows up and wishes to see them. Yet, tell him that his real parents actually love them so much and this big love is one of the reasons why they give him up, for a better life. Also, never forget to show how this kid brings happiness to your family. How he is desired. How you love them so dearly. That way, you can avoid them from feeling hurt.