i'm so confused

Canada
July 29, 2009 1:11pm CST
my neighbour who is my best friend and so is his wife had a serious talk with me yesterday. i knew he liked me but not as much as what he told me yesterday. he wants to leave his wife and wants me to be with him. i don't want to lose his friendship and don't want to be with him that way. not sure what to do. i feel like i need to pull myself away completely from both of them so i don't ruin their marriage but they really are my only true friends and i don't want to lose that.
8 people like this
54 responses
@xfahctor (14126)
• Lancaster, New Hampshire
29 Jul 09
I wouldn't worry too much about ruining the marriage. He has already done that himself. Odds are this is not the first time he has done this. YOu would more than likely keep his wife as a friend though, unless she is the defensive type who will turn on you for telling her. I don't know that I would run to his wife over this though. I would distance yourself from him or at least let him know that although you value his friendship, you wish it to remain just that, freindship. If he begins to act differently to you, so be it and he will eventualy have to explain to his wife why he no longer associates with you.
2 people like this
@tdemex (3545)
• United States
29 Jul 09
Hey if he wants you that way, and told you, then they are all ready in trouble. You aren't responsible for their problems, your just in the wrong place at the wrong time! To keep peace in your mind and in the neighborhood, I get away from them ASAP and seek out new friends! Good luck! tdemex
2 people like this
@Lala2508 (11)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Whoa, this is a heavy situation. Well first of all, don' tell the wife what the husband said to you. Things could backfire and you could be to blame. I had that happen to me once, except I wasn't friends with the husband at all, I was his wife's friend. I ran into him at a local store where he worked, and he recognized me and came onto me. I was very uncomfortable about it and I told him that if's he's unhappy with his relationship then that's a matter between him and his wife. I also let him know that what he was doing with me was not a very smart thing to do and I had no interest in him, he's married to my friend. I then called my friend and let her know what happened, needless to say, she no longer talks to me. I don't know why she chose to shut me out, but I believe her husband might have convinced her into believing that things happened a different way and that I was the deviant in that situation. You need to let the husband know that there is no way you would want to ruin their marriage or your friendship. But, do it in a way that doesn't make him feel rejected. Tell him you see him as a brother or something. Sometimes that works for me when a guy friend wants to become more than friends.
1 person likes this
• Canada
2 Aug 09
ok so i spent some time alone with the husband yesterday. i told him that i was not interested but didn't want to ruin our friendship. we spent a few hours together. it was uncomfterble at first but then got a little better. hopefully things can go back to the way they were before. he told me he won't try to be with me now that he knows how i feel and that he still wants me in his life as his best friend if that's all he can get is what he said but hopefully we will still be able to be close but not relationship close. Thanks to everyone for your advice
@cwong77 (2011)
• Malaysia
31 Jul 09
run my friend, run! I mean stay away for a while, and let this cool down for a while. If you don't love this man, no point taking the name of ruining someone's marriage. Even if you love him, this man can leave his wife, he can leave you too! No point getting into this kind of hassle..
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Aug 09
No, that's not what she wants to do. She wants to remain friends with them both, and leaving them alone would only cause suspicion. Either the husband would think that she'd gone and told the wife or the wife would suspect somethings up. time could also make it worse. She needs to make her thoughts known to the husband right away
1 person likes this
@meapas (2433)
• India
29 Jul 09
Remember one thing, if he can leave his wife for you, one day he can leave you for someone else. This is the lustic truth of human life.
• Belgium
30 Jul 09
I stand with you.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jul 09
Wow, that would be an extremely difficult situation. Does the wife know that he has these feelings for you? You just need to talk sense into him and tell him that you do not have those same feelings and have different plans for yourself, though tell him that him and his wife are your best friends, and that is all you want, friends, no deep romantic relationship. Just be as clear and straight-forward as you can, you do not want to lead him on or hurt his feelings at the same time- but I am sure he would understand if you told him as honestly how you feel about the situation as you can. You really do not want to hurt a marriage and lose your friends, but just be one-hundred percent honest about the situation so that no one will be hurt later on from all of this. Good luck, I am sure you will work it out and things will be okay between everyone.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Aug 09
You're absolutely right.... this is the way that she needs to address him. A brutal rejection or making him feel like a horrible person could only make the situation worse.
• United States
30 Jul 09
This man is not your friend if he would even suggest such a thing. His wife needs to know the truth, I say ditch the guy and stay friends with his wife.
1 person likes this
@hagirl (1296)
• United States
30 Jul 09
I believe your intentions are pure, but you really need to have a private conversation with your neighbor. You need to make him understand I tell him the same thing you are telling mylotters. If he can not except your explanation or starts to make you feel uncomfortable when you are in friendly conversations then you need to start to pull back. I understand it is very hard to make serious and close friends that you can trust, but maybe he is having these feelings because of your close friendship. These feelings of his may not be pure. Sometimes when we have close friendships it is mistaken for something stronger. He just needs to be set clear with things. If you don't it may make your relationships with other men gruelling.
1 person likes this
@arkasen (748)
• India
30 Jul 09
Hi, you have rightly sensed a bad motive behind it. You have mentioned that they are your neighbour and both of them are good friends and he likes you very much. Have you any soft corner with the guy? If not then frankly speak that both of you are my neighbour and best friend also. Open your heart and be straight forward. Otherwise you have to face the eventualities. 'A stich in time saves nine'. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
30 Jul 09
What did you say? Did you tell him that you did not feel that way about him? If not, you need to be real clear on that. I don't think you need to give up the friendship but I would make sure that you are not in a situation where you are alone with him. I'm sorry this happened to you because there is no doubt that things will be awkward for you for a while.
1 person likes this
• Indonesia
30 Jul 09
Ooo gosh...please don't do that...There will be friend that wisdom without destroy their life....Tell him, that his wife is your best friend and wish see them happy....Although maybe rather difficult but that must be tried...
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jul 09
You have to tell him that you don't want to be with him but you cherish your friendship.It is the way you feel and he needs to know it.
1 person likes this
@x_Jo_x (1041)
30 Jul 09
Well i think you should definatly talk to him and explain you dont want anything to happen between you, if you havent done so already. Then i think you should agree to only see each other when there is other people with you, so you are not alone together - since that would make it difficult between you! I think if he is unhappy in his relationship it might end anyway, but aslong as you arnt involved in that (By being with him) Then you shouldnt feel guilty! I would say dont pull yourself away totally because that might make his wife suspicious, and you will lose your friends. As long as you are sensible and really make the point YOU DONT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN clear! I see no reason why you shouldnt still be around them. If he feels uncomfortable then that is his issue! Good luck! Hope everything works out well for all of you!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 Jul 09
whoa! thats not sounds right... better tell ur friend straight to the point that ur not interested to have any affairs with him aside for being a friend. and that if he insist then u will be force to go and cut ur friendship with him.. just try to put urself into his wife situation.. what if ur husband will do the same thing to u... im sure u will not be happy... tell ur friend that if he love his wife then forget about his desire to be with u... but if he will leave his wife voluntarily and after leaving her then thats the only time u will accept him atleast u will not hurt anyone including his wife...
30 Jul 09
what you need to do is ask your self would l like it if this happen to me
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
30 Jul 09
You pretty much have gotten the clue answer there. It's best to avoid the both of them for the time being to allow them time to rectify the missing gaps in their marriage. Even though you don't anymore friends, this might be the best way..
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
30 Jul 09
I would tell him that it could never be that you two would be together. Let him know that you want to remain friends with him and his wife. Suggest that he and his wife do things to revive their marriage as it has obviously gotten to a point that he is bored. I'd give his wife suggestions to bring him back to her or get him interested again. You just need to say things like, have you ever did this or that with your husband; like make a meal and have it at a small table in the house and all lights out with a candle or two at this table and them just be alone. Or that she just does something, little to let him know that she is thinking about him. The same for the guy. A marriage needs work to make them work. You constantly have to be doing things that are not expected. The spark needs to be back in their relationship.
1 person likes this
@GADHISUNU (2163)
• India
30 Jul 09
Sometimes I wonder how trusting could a spouse be that they are blind to the signals? It is really sad. It is laudable that that it is disturbing you that you are friends with both and cannot afford to or even think of cheating the would-be-affected spouse! Please steer clear of the couple now that you have come to know of the intentions.
@xzyzxj (126)
• China
30 Jul 09
so bad situation. you must talk to that guy and speak out your feeling. a man who want to leave his wife just because he likes another girl is not a good man. to tell the truth, i don't like that guy. you should not be with him you know, just talking to him. he will know what to do if he is wise enough.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 Jul 09
regardless whether they were your friends or not, just bear in your mind that if you will be with him, you will ruin their family and relationship..let us say you also loved him, but it is not about loving, it is about respect, since you are friends then don't ruin the friendship you had with them just for the sake of being with him..just do whatever you think is right just listen to some of the advices of your friends in order for you not to regret whatever decision you choose..
1 person likes this