Your parents want to control your life, even you are mature and living out?

@icesmile (7160)
Romania
July 30, 2009 12:34am CST
How much control should parents have on their adult children who have moved out of the house? I am child for my parents, but i am parent too. So, i can say that my mother want control my life even now, when i help dhe , not she help me. I know that is a little selfish ad want control everything, want to know everything, sometimes want to change my decision, but ..hello....i am mature and i can take decision myself, if is wrong, is my mistake, if is good she say that she deserve all apreciation. I try with my kids don t make same, of course that i talk with them, they are not total independent, they need advices, carring, but i let them to take a decision, they must to know that now they are almost mature and must to learn to take a ecision. But my mother seems that want to know all, want to control all, like to criticize, and in this way she make me hide a lot of things, just because IS MY LIFE.
7 people like this
35 responses
@thea09 (18314)
• Greece
30 Jul 09
Hi icesmile, it's definitely your life and my advice is just listen with one ear and then do what you think is right. Here the parents, or should I say the mother, rule the day. It is accepted that when a man marries his new wife will move in with the mans family and then become also under the control of the mother. Modern women are putting their foot down at this more often but when they do live separately the mother will still interfere, walk in unannounced with platters of 'proper food', and boss the daughter in law around. The man will always respect the mother but he's going to have an easier life if he supports his wife against his mother.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
Be sure that i listen, but i make all in my own, is my style but she make me nervius when she is very curious, and want to know everything.......if she come in my house she want to see all what is new, if all is all right...and give me precious indications' this annoyed me
@hotsummer (10801)
• Guam
30 Jul 09
yeah in a way my parent or my mom i mean and not my father include are pretty controlling in what i do.. but i can't still blame everything bad that happens to me. but in a way she contributed in some of it. wishing many times that that my mom is more supportive and can guide me in my life when i was growing up.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
You right, a mother must support shes kid...but until when? If he is mature, she must think that can control everything? i am not agree with this; even she want control, she must to be smart and don t let the "kid" to know that she have control, he can be dependent all life for his mother, and is not fair
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
30 Jul 09
Hi icesmile, You and I live in the same world. I hate having to hide everything from my mom too. but I don't have a choice because she wants to know everything I do, to why I make those choices, even if someone comes to my house, she wants to know who they are, and if they are my friends or my husband friends. then how did I meet them, I am already an adult with teen kids and she still wants to know what I am doing if I tell her I cannot make it to her place.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
I understand you so well, i can t convince she that i have my life, even she is a part of my life, she can t have all my life...and you know she wrong a lot, because now, i don t tell she nothing, and she boiled in shes own curiosity...
@lovedude (4451)
• India
30 Jul 09
Well it's normal that how big you are.. that doesn't effect them.. for our parents we will be child for ever.. They think that whatever we do.. we need their support and guidance, and in some cases it's not true. but that's what the life man.. Lets hope we won't do this for our children.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
Hi, i am mature enaught, to 40 i think that i have a lot of life experience, just she think that control my life; she can t. But maybe is a good lesson for me, because i don t repeat same mistake with my kids...i protect them i give advices...but decision they can take, in theirs yard. i have my own yard.
@shibham (17019)
• India
30 Jul 09
hi icesmile. it often happens to my life that my parents want to control my life even they interfere to my private matters too. i don't want it bcoz i am mature. i don't say that they have no loyality for doing so. yes they have but this my own life. lets me fight my own battle bcoz you will not stay with me always. just lets me built my own srenght and confidance to encounter any matter for future. yes they have complete love and affection and they think that i am a child although i am a mature person. this is their parenthood. but over all this is my life and this arena is mine.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
Hi, nice words, yes you right...i have my arena too, and i like to make things work better with my own ideas, even i make a mistake, is mine, and i blame myself only
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
30 Jul 09
Hi icesmile, I know what you mean, and I know how you feel because I am in the same boat too. I think it's not that they're being in control of your life, but the fact is that they gave birth to us and thus, we will always be their children, or shall I say "children" no matter how old we are, single or married!! You know, my mother-in-law has said this: "Though you're old, you're still our children" - it took me some time to digest that statement because I'm married, I'm an adult so why should they still call us "Children"? Then it struck me that it's already "built-in". I guess we don't see the significance of it until we have our own kids and later they too will grow up. We would then say the same thing that we are hearing now. Though we're married, getting old each second, with plenty of kids, our parents would still be in command because they've eaten more salt than us, and I believe their intentions are good. So just listen with a smile, do what you think is right for you. :)
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
hi...be sure that i listen my mother, but i make what i think that is right, but is a good lesson for me in relation with my kids...i was more careful don t protect them to much and i let them to choice...of course with few rules, and first of all, we respect each other....my mother forgot that she must respect me as i respect she.
@tuhpaul (475)
• India
30 Jul 09
Parents should realize that their children have grown up and have a right to live independently- actually I feel your mother is very possessive about you and tries to run your life for shr is afraid that you might slip off sometimes trying to face this world alone-it is natural for mothers to feel this way- but dont disrespect her but do what you feel is morally right,without hurting her or even telling her anything.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
30 Jul 09
She is very possesive, and even she know that make a lot of mistakes, never don t want to say...maybe you right, but step by step i will let she don t know to many about my life...maybe in this way, she will know that she must to look in shes yard...
• United States
31 Jul 09
I'm was in the same situation as you were when I was in high school. I know that my mom wanted to know everything and wanted to make decisions for me all the time because she loved me. But I was starting to come into my own and started to mature and have ideas of my own and want to be able to make my own decisions. The best way to deal with her in this situation for me personally was that I sat down with her one day and talked to her about how I felt. It actually worked better than trying to hide things from her or not wanting her to know something. Because now, whenever I decide to do something or make an important decision, I can still come to her for advice, but I would be the one to make the decision. At the same time, I feel that I had my mom's blessing in what I decide to do, instead of doing something behind her back and feeling guilty and bad about it. Maybe talk to your mom about it and it might turn out better than you thought?
1 person likes this
@cwong77 (2011)
• Malaysia
31 Jul 09
icesmile.. be cool..I have the same issue like you too, however I try to speak to my mum the actual situation, and ask her to relax.. as the Chinese saying goes, "having a child of 100 years, worrying for 99 years out of it".. What I tell my mum, is basically, I will tell her what I think I want to tell her, and those that I can't I just keep... Anyway, they still our mother, and we can't be too rude to her right..
1 person likes this
@EliteUser (3966)
• Australia
27 Sep 09
Hey, Yea my life is about the same as yours. I am a fully grown adult, but my mother wants to do everything for me. She doesn't let me do anything, not even cook or things like that. I think that enough is enough. Make sure you have a good day, God bless and Happy Lotting!!
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
17 Aug 09
I think there is a fine line here...parents automatically feel they need to protect and watch over their kids, even when their adults but at the same time kids (even adult ones) need to make their own choices. Parents have to remember that at some point they won't be there to constantly guide their kids and their kids have to be able to stand on their own two feet. [b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~ **STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
@carolscash (9498)
• United States
11 Aug 09
I believe that as parents there comes the feeling that you always need to protect your children and know what is going on with them. I have an 18 year old daughter who is living on her own and she is very mature and independent, but I find that I still ask her where she is going and stuff as the world is a cruel place and I just like to know where she is going to be. I try to not interfere with her personal life and let her make mistakes, but it is hard as it is my job to protect her. However, I do think that some parents go overboard with being that way. Give the child their space and allow yourself to see what kind of job you did in raising them.
@cindyhxf (1447)
• China
11 Aug 09
i think your mom just care and love you.she didn't really want to control just have a habit to help you.or she just has a habit to let others follow her mind.it is different ways from your way to your kids.but it is hard to change your mom 's mind.
• China
11 Aug 09
My mom-in-law is like you mother.She want to control our life. She have interfered my life seriously. I hate her very much. My husband often quarrel with me due to his mother unsatisfied with me. The conflict is more and more, My love to my husband is littler and littler. Now we don't care for each other as before, but we still are tegather for our lovely daughter. Maybe his mother don't interfer our live, our love can come back.
• Philippines
2 Aug 09
My mom controls my life even when I'm living far from her. Sometimes I just want to live my own life and not follow her every demand but it's hard especially when my dad passed away. I feel that if I don't follow her every demand, I am being disrespectful and ungrateful. I actually don't know what to do anymore.
@psywar (25)
• Philippines
1 Aug 09
It is natural for a parent to control the lives of their children even they are adult but not in the sense that every minutes of their life has to do with rules, provisions or restrictions. Probably a correct attitude, guidance,good parenting and best of all TRUST. Trust to practice independence, and decision making, regardless they are good or bad. Because of this we learn. If you try to take control of their lives when they are children or even in adulthood, they might do the same when they grown and do it to their own children. It is a cycle. History repeats itself.
• United States
31 Jul 09
What I think is parents most of the time we feel our kids are ours and in a sense that is technically correct, We have to take care of them raise them and protect them as no other. That "claim of ownership" is just that this is not our duty. Us parents we are given one of the most important jobs we could ever have and that is to guide our kids help them reach adulthood. Sometimes we have to use tough love but we must let them learn from their mistakes no matter how much it hurts us also. I think the older one gets the less we should object to their decisions unless they are in serious danger or concern. Have faith in the lessons we have tried to teach and believe in them
• United States
31 Jul 09
It is difficult for some parents to let go of their children even when they are adults. It is out of love and concern that it happens most often. It's not because of wanting control. Yes, you have the right to make your own decisions when you are on your own, but if you are making bad decisions, then your parents are probably more likely to "stick their noses" in. Be patient. When you have been the parent for so long, you sometimes don't understand that there comes a time to let go and let happen whatever happens. Just try to look at it as love, not control and you will see it in a different light. Your parents want the best for you and that is why they try to "control" things.
@derek_a (10894)
31 Jul 09
My parents were the same, and I think as they were getting older, it was a way for them to continue to feel useful to their kids. I tried not to judge them for this or get annoyed, but it wasn't easy. - Derek
@checkmail (2041)
• India
31 Jul 09
Hello icesmile this is checkmail and my parents too think that i am still little child to the new world.Actually i am queit a bit grown up but still single and not yet much matured like the other peoples settled in their houses with their own family.Though its tough to accept the fact that we will always remain child to our parents.No arguments over this issue as they plan our future somehow themselves and through us also.