Should I shut Up or make it KNOWN

United States
August 4, 2009 1:52pm CST
I find some emails that my husband have been sending to another lady in my hometown. He don't know that I know. To me its very very disturbing: Here is some of the conversations they we're having please read and let me know what your really think of it and should I SAY SOMETHING or SHOULD I JUST WAIT FOR MORE INFORMATION to come my way. Thank you in advance for your honesty and friendship: Hi, I'm in here until Monday. Would you like to see me? Hubby Are you here? Did you drive? the Lady Yes, Call, IM, or email me and let me now the details. Hubby If you did how about us meeting at the park? I don't know what time yet. other Lady Just let me know Hubby I miss you other Lady So what would you do if you find something like this. SHUT UP or MAKE IT KNOWN!?!
14 people like this
47 responses
@ShellyB (5242)
• United States
4 Aug 09
If it was me, and I care dearly about my husband I will let him know that I know, I would demand explanations and things like that, if in my heart I considered husband not worth fighting for I will let him go and then I will decide what to do with my life, it depends on you what to do, I feel if you love your husband, it is best to let him know what you know and yes, demand an explanation, if not, if you are very unhappy with your marriage, then let him go, and save yourself one of the many headaches that are to come your way anyways.
2 people like this
• United States
4 Aug 09
thank you so much for responsing and I'm taking everything that everyone is telling me
3 people like this
@ShellyB (5242)
• United States
4 Aug 09
Good, and I wish you the best of lucks.
@threnos (216)
• Canada
4 Aug 09
Let it be known! If you don't it will only eat you up inside and cause way too much strength. The truth will set you free and I personally think that your husband needs to know that he is no longer fooling you.
• United States
5 Aug 09
I honestly dont see why you need to shut up at all. It is a very simple task just ask. I dot see why a husband has to hide anything from his family. I say just approach him and tell him what youve done so you start with no hidden stuff. The context is onbviously words you dont use everyday or atleast with everybody. So i would just ask. I dont think you were born yesterday. Plus holding it in is prolonging the healong process and yiu need to start feeling joy instead of conspiring against your husband. That is my advice. Just ask! God bless
• United States
6 Aug 09
I agree with your answer. This seems to be the most straight forward way possible. Your not attacking him as long as you are honest and tell him so that when it is his time to be honest, he'll do the same. I hope you can update with good news.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31628)
• United States
4 Aug 09
I would definitely talk with him about it. If you love him, tell him you do and that you don't want to lose him to someone else. Ask why he is so unhappy that he's seeing someone else. Nip it in the bud--or make him take action. Either way, you at least won't have to endure a long affair. It could be totally innocent, btw, so be prepared for that slight possibility. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@sacmom (14250)
• United States
4 Aug 09
That's a possibility, I guess, but if it is totally innocent then why didn't her husband tell her about this other woman from the start?
@jayman32 (267)
• Australia
6 Aug 09
hello, from what you have shown it looks like hubby is cheating or about to. what ever choice you make, emotional pain & life changing decisions are going to come from that choice. or maybe ask your self if you still want to be with your hubby?, use he's cheating to leave him, do you still love him?. i think it best to confront him but dont be angry when you do, i know it will be hard to keep emotions in check but you have to. you need to be thinking clearly when he answers your questions so you can respond clearly,the yelling & crying will come soon enough but its important for now to keep thinking clearly. you may get more honest answers if you ASK "whats this" & NOT ACCUSE "whats this" when you let him know about the emails, its all in the tone of voice. take some time (not to much) & work out what you want from this confrontation because clearly things in your relationship are not as they seem to be & thus change needs to occur. its not going to be easy for you but it will be worth it.. lets us know what happens..
1 person likes this
@jellymonty (2354)
5 Aug 09
Well this is very disturbing and I wouldn't go ballistic straight away. I suggest you do some spy work just to make sure that it sounds the way it is. I mean from the emails it does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you as there is no "love language" involved in that email. Although it's suspicious, but I would first of all gather up more information before you present your case. I suggest you follow him to the park and just stay at a distance and see what happens then take it from there. Otherwise it could be a business meeting or something so don't be too hasty.. Follow him and gather up more information. Hope it all goes well
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (46684)
• Holiday, Florida
5 Aug 09
id jump on it right now!! i had that situation once and let it go to long and i ended up loosing him because she eventually pressured him to leave. he wanted to come back later and asked why i didnt fight more for him but by that time i was hurt to bad and wouldnt go through it again. another time another one i was with started the same thing and said if i hadnt given him an ultimatum he would have made a terrible mistake. so, yes fight for him
1 person likes this
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
5 Aug 09
Hi hardworkingmom, I'm afraid you're in a very delicate situation. First, I think you must consider how your husband will react when he knows you have been reading his personal. Only you would be able to judge this. Second, is it possible these emails relate to business situations, and you're reading them as personal. This is remote, but you should consider this berfore , you confront him. So, what to do? Well, if I were you. I'd note some times and dates of meetings, and before he goes out to them, ask him what he's doing on those specific days, and times if necessary, and then quizz him about what he was doing later. He will trip himself up, and you should catch him out, if he has another woman. I don't know your husband, so I don't know how he would react, but I know how I'd react, if anyone was reading my personal mails. All I can say is be careful, and good luck.
1 person likes this
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
4 Aug 09
I personally do not have the streghth to just shut up about it. I would make it known RIGHT NOW- because at this point it looks like it hasn't gone as far as just interest in one another. I would have to find out what his ultimate goal of this situation is- such as why he is so unhappy that he is looking elsewhere- or is she the one pursuing him- and what he believes the end result of this situation to be. good luck ;(
• United States
4 Aug 09
Thank you so much for your opinion because I'm like that to because I already asked him if he was happy or not and so when I ask him that he'll just go into a conversation into making seem like I'm the one that isn't happy. Make it all on me by reversing the role. That right there is what is really making me think that he is doing wrong. Am I wrong for thinking that way.
2 people like this
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
4 Aug 09
This is typically the road a spouse will take when confronted on any suspicions- to turn the tables. Don't allow him to make you think this is in any way your fault. My previous relationship I was cheated on, and when I found out and confronted him...he blamed most of it on me and me not meeting his needs. For a while after that I tried to make it work and tried to change the things he said caused the problem in the first place...then found him cheating with yet another...right then and there...I knew it wasn't my problem to fix....it was HIS.
@mama_bear (1121)
• Canada
4 Aug 09
speaking as someone who found questionable text messages on a certain someones phone this is what i did. i opened to one particularly incriminating message on the phone while he was in the shower, left it on the bed then calmly left his house, and went off to work. my heart was in my mouth and i felt sick to my stomach, but it had to be done. that led to a dialogue about the incidents that led to the message. he needs to know that you know and then take it from there.
@soulist (2985)
• United States
6 Dec 11
I did the same thing when I found text messages on my exes phone. He tried to tell me they were for his friend to the other woman which made me laugh. Then I caught him with another girl when he was supposed to be coming to see me, he said he had to deliver something to her from her mom. I think you need to let it be known that you know he is exchanging messages with another woman and talk about it.
@KrauseHome (36689)
• United States
21 Dec 12
Wow!! Personally this is not good. Someone else telling your husband they miss them? To me that would be WARNING BELLS and I would have to confront my husband. The only problem is other than Facebook my husband does not know how to really interact with anyone online, so maybe that is a Good thing?
• Philippines
10 Apr 12
I thought it was just a friendly or a business email but when I saw the I miss you at the bottom, then it's not right! Don't shut up. Talk to you husband about it.
@aerous (13457)
• Philippines
9 Mar 12
That email is enough as evidence that he is doing something fishy, my friend. But you can't charge him for anything because as the law says you need to catch him by the side or doing love making to that lady your suspecting about... You need to talk to your husband about the matter if you want to settle the things and stop your husband doing much more sin and wickedness...
@Ritchelle (3795)
• Philippines
19 Aug 09
the best way to look at this, no offense, is to picture yourself in a courtroom being questioned. did you or didn't you inform your husband that you know of these letters? which looks good, sane and common sense answer? of course it is yes. fate has reasons for letting us know of things. come to think of it fate still conceals things for it's not yet time to know of these.
@windymyre (210)
• United States
8 Aug 09
If I were in this situation & I could still access his e-mail, I would keep quiet & continue to check the e-mails to see when they are going to meet. Then I would go there & catch them in the act. That way he doesn't have an excuse saying it "didn't mean anything" or that he "really wasn't going to meet her", that it was all "just talk" or something like that. Plus she may not know that you exist, so I would make sure she is aware of you as well.
• United States
8 Aug 09
It all depends on what you want to do. If you want to clear the air so you two can try to stay together, then let it be known. But if you are planning a divorce and you think he would fight you for custody , then keep it quiet but let your lawyer know.
@andy77e (5161)
• United States
6 Aug 09
I do not think it would be wise to go directly to your husband, unless you have no other alternative. However, you can't just keep this bottled up inside either. Do you have a church? Do you know a good marriage counselor? Is there someone who does marriage counseling that you can talk to? Maybe someone at your church that can lead you to good marriage counselor? Unfortunately you are going to have a lot of soul searching in the next few days / months. Do you want to keep your marriage? If you do, you need to know how to approach your husband about this. If not, then you need to break this off as quickly as possible. Banging your head against the wall, doesn't move the wall, it gives you a headache. And honestly, he may not want this marriage anymore, as sick as that sounds. If you run in and say "hey I saw a message from another lady on the computer." He might lie and come up with some excuse and then do a better job of hiding it. If you run in and say "hey I know your cheating on me!" He'll just get angry and you'll fight. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your husband now. That is important with how you deal with this, which is why I suggest talking to a marriage counselor. My father happens to do free marriage counseling through his church, and he has helped many people. But one thing is for certain. You can't just shut up about it, and hold it all inside. It will burn a hole in your soul. Whether you deiced to tell someone else, or tell him, it has to be told. You'll end up thinking about it every night, and wondering every time he leaves, and every time the computer is on. It will bug you until you become bitter and angry. Let's not go there, ok?
@happy6162 (3009)
• United States
6 Aug 09
You should tell him that you know about the emails. Ask him what is going on and why he is unhappy. It will make you feel better. He may not like it that you open the email but thats his problem you have a right to know what is going on.
• United States
6 Aug 09
That, is a tough question. And, an even harder decision to make. I think i would be tempted to speak up right away. However, with just a little time, and you keeping all the emails (printed out), then you could eventually have enough informtion on the two of them, that there would be no chance for any type of lie, to cover it up. Have you found out who the lady is yet? They do have a site that list people, by their emails...
• United States
5 Aug 09
I would Make it known. Don't brush them off Just make it known... print out what you have seen because if it ends up being a he said she said fight. You will at least have the proof!