Untitled Toddler Discussion
@princess07031980 (5412)
United States
August 10, 2009 1:52pm CST
Last night, one of my neighbors 3-year-old toddler came to our house and had been messing with the front door's doorknob outside. I opened the door and she came right in, while I was a having a family movie night with my 3 children. She had wanted to come over to play with my 2 younger children.
I was a little surprised to see her come over alone, first of all. Secondly, I didn't want any other kids in the house because I was having time with my own kids as we were having a "family night." I told her she had to go home and she had to go find her mom, because her mom might be worried where she was. She just stood there in my living room, not listening to me. I told her again, she needed to go find her mommy. I was thinking maybe she had come over without her mom knowing, and I wouldn't allow her in for the sake of scaring of mother to death not knowing where the child was.
(We lived in an apartment community, by the way.)
After telling her several times to go home, I had to walk her outside and she looked at me with sad little eyes and walked down stairs, and then I heard her mom say "What's wrong?" so I knew she was safe, and I returned back inside to watch the movie with my kids.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door, and the little girl and her mother were there. I had explained that I sent her home, as I didn't know if she was accounted for, and the mother said, it was fine, she said she could come up and play. What? First of all, I hadn't even talked to her about it (because if she would have asked, for the time being we were busy, and the answer would have been no.) Secondly, how was I supposed to know it was ok, as the little girl is shy and hadn't told me anything. And lastly, she attempted to just walk in!
I kind of felt like the mother just wanted to get rid of her for a while, and maybe sent her to my house, as she has played over here many times. I felt bad when they both showed up to ask, but I am not a babysitter, and I was surprised that she let her daughter walk over to my house alone, being only 3 years old.
I am wondering now if I have to keep my door locked, if this will happen again. I have noticed at times, the mother has asked me if her daughter was at my house when she was not here, so it seems that she lets her go where she pleases at times, and that kind of bothers me as a parent. Now they do have a lot family that lives here-the little girl has an aunt and her great-grandma live here as well, both in separate apartments from where she lives. I have a very set rule that my children do not go in anyone's homes without specifically telling me where they will be. (I never send them over anywhere-they have to ask me first, then go ask the parents of the friend, then report back to me where they will be, and I give them a time limit to tell the parents so I know when they will be home.)
I just really couldn't believe this. What do you think?
4 people like this
14 responses
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I haven't talked to anyone except my fellows peers here on Mylot about this situation! If it happens again though, I am really not sure who the appropriate one would be to choose to talk to though. Last evening, I was sitting outside while a group of neighbor kids and my own 2 older children were out playing in the front yard, and the little girl came up and talked to me telling me her mom said it was ok for her to play at my house. Grrrrrr.....again without asking me. I was getting ready to put my 2 year old down for bed and told the little girl yet. She looked at the sky, which is about sunset-about quarter to 8. She said "But it's not late yet." Hmmmm.... so on top of tha the little girl stays up later? I can somewhat of a problem with this, but I will still wait it out to see what else comes up.
1 person likes this
@gossipzz (498)
• Canada
11 Aug 09
wow this is a very serious topic. Children go missing every minute. This parent is asking for it. What would have happen if you were not home. This parent is careless enough to not think about this. Wondering would she have blamed you if the child does go missing. Yes you are allowed family time with your own kids, this lady needed to ask you if her child can come over and play. You do have a life if she needed a babysitter hire one. Little children do have emotions and rejection is something this child will need to learn to deal with.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
11 Aug 09
That is definitely a thought that crossed my mind-if she knew she was heading over here, but I didn't let her in, and sent her on as I had attempted, would the mother show up in an hour or so looking for her and then blame me when she wasn't here? That is why it is so imperative to escort her wherever she goes-so she is truly accounted for instead of just assuming the responsibilty to someone else.
1 person likes this
@ivyoon (673)
• United States
10 Aug 09
Hi princess,
I'd like to say that as a mother of two things like this really bother me. Not only does the mother of the three-year-old sound irresponsible, she is missing out on the opportunity to instill values in her little girl at a young age (when they're most likely to stick). This little girl should be learning about privacy, and the meaning of no, and should certainly not be walking around an apartment complex by herself.
I used to work in a small retail store and parents would come in all the time and let their children run wild, as if it were a free-for-all... I always hated that.
Some parents these days seem to be too busy or self-absorbed to do any parenting, and ignore their children or scream at them instead.
You definitely did the right thing by asking the little girl to go home. Her mother sounds like the type that would be the first to accuse you of some wrongdoing if anything should happen to her daughter.
I think the little girl's mom should be spending some family time with her little girl instead of sending her out on her own as if she were a teenager.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
10 Aug 09
Well, I could be falsely accusing of her when I say she may have sent her over here, because the truth of the matter may be the little girl just asked if it was ok, and then she said yes, it was ok for her to play over here. But I have noticed that she has asked me a few times if she was over here when she was not. So that right there tells me if nothing esle, she escapes the house at times. And that all by itself is unacceptable! Each of my old kids had "run away" just once at about age 3. My oldest son ran out to my car and was in my Explorer flicking the head lights on and off and guess who caught him? My downstairs neighbor. Now that made ME look like the irresponsible parent, and I was ashamed that someone else had notified me. It never happened again with him. I made it very clear that he could not go out alone to anywhere and especially not to go play in the car! This woman is a very young mother, and maybe that plays a big factor. When my kids had done this obviously I was younger too, and maybe just not as conditioned as a parent? Perhaps, anyway....
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Wow-how scary of a thought to know your son had made it all the way to the soda machine! We live in an apratment community, set off of a fairly wuiet residential street, so really the only traffic that comes here would be those who live here or are visitng. But of course, anyone could come in, and even if she were not to get picked up by a stranger, she could still get hurt, or a dog could come by an scare her and make her run, or some strange people may frighten and she may end up off the property out of fear. Anything is possible, and children that small really have no sense of direction, so she could easily get lost.
@ivyoon (673)
• United States
11 Aug 09
The age of the mother may play a role here. I do believe, though, that at some point a parent needs to set guidelines for their children, and make them aware that some behavior is unacceptable and even dangerous. You did that for your son when he went to play in the car. Perhaps over time this young mother will realize that her daughter needs rules to keep her safe.
I know how easily kids can slip out unnoticed myself. When my son was two years old, we lived on a semi-busy street with a soda machine on the corner. I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and chatting with my grandmother. My husband was in the back room chatting with my brother and my aunt (my grandmother's daughter) was in the living room playing with my son. He told her that he was going to get a soda, and I guess she thought he was just playing, but the next thing we know, I'm looking for him and he's gone... down the street to the soda machine on the corner... without anyone knowing at first.
I couldn't really blame my aunt, although she'd been right there in the room with him when he'd gone out the front door... but I did blame myself for not telling him beforehand that he was not allowed to leave the house without a grown-up. I did, however, let him know that when I met him at that soda machine, and he never did it again.
I just think it's important to instill rules in our children that will keep them safe, and I do hope that this young mother will realize that for the sake of her little girl.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
11 Aug 09
This is weird. Now granted we don't live in an apartment but I still don't think it's right for a three year old to be running around away from a parent unattended. When I lived in apartments in the early 90s (when I was young and single lol), I had seen more than a few young children, probably not more than five or six - alone with what I assumed were younger siblings, sometimes even babies.
My daughter is five and a half, I never allow her to go out the front door and out of the yard or driveway alone, so chances are slim to none that she would 'wander' over to a neighbor's house without me, and I would NEVER send her or let her go alone! We have wide streets but large properties, and no sidewalks!
When my older kids were younger, I usually only let them go riding around or roller blading or whatever if A. they were together OR B. they were with at least one other friend. They also had to ASK before they went so I knew where they were. As far as friends coming over? While they are little like my daughter, either she has to ask ME and then I arrange things with the friend's parent(s), or the friend asks their parent(s) and it gets arranged with me and/or hubby. Even when she gets older we expect there always to be a method of asking - and we always reserve the right to say no, say if it's family night or somebody is in trouble, sick, or we are planning on leaving the house or going out of town. Nothing is more irritating to a parent than having someone else's kid show up and then inform you that they are there because their parents left and they have no where else to go - and you were going to be leaving for dinner but now you are stuck with this kid because you can't get ahold of the parents - plus you're mad at YOUR kid for telling his friend 'oh yeah, my mom won't care if you come over'. HEH.
I mean nine times out of ten, it won't matter, but I still need the kids to ASK. I also don't want them asking in front of their friend(s) - is it okay if so and so stays the night/comes with us or can you drop off so and so because their mom doesn't have any gas blah blah blah. It's like being put on the spot where if you say yes and you don't want to, it's like being manipulated by your kid, if you say no, it makes you look like the meanest PITA parent ever.
It bothers me that this three year old wanders all over, whether or not she has a lot of family that lives at the apartment complex. Anymore these days, it isn't safe, I don't care if the entire complex was her family, it's still not safe! Even if my best friend lived next door, my sister lived across the street, and my mom lived on the next block, I STILL would not let my daughter just tool around the neighborhood without me... at the very least we (the adults) would be outside watching her walk next door and knowing she was going/coming lol.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
11 Aug 09
The fact that the child it three years old really bothers me a lot. My daughter is six-years and we do let her play out in the front and up the street with the other kids in the neighborhood. There are a total of 6 kids within three years of age of one another. She knows that she has to come home and check in with me once an hour so I know whose house she is playing at. They all take turns at all of the different houses, so some days I have all of the kids here while on another day they may all be at Audrey's house or Atlanta's house. These children are all school age and they know their rules. They are allowed to cross our street (which is a court) but they are not allowed to cross the street at the top of the hill. The bottom of the hill, where our house is is okay, but none of them can go any further than our house. There is one more house and then a drop off down to some railroad tracks.
Now, my two-year-old on the other hand, is not allowed to go outside to play when I'm not outside. He might be allowed to when he is 4 or so, but right now he is just too young.
1 person likes this
@haloluv (2)
• United States
10 Aug 09
I lived in an apartment complex for many years and dealt with mothers like this one too many times. In fact, when I would ask the children if their mother knew where they were they would inform me "my Mom told me to come over here". These were three and four yr old children so I know very well that they were telling the truth. It got to where I had to lock my door everyday because one particular three year old would just open it up and walk right in while we were in the middle of dinner or better yet when my own children were not even home.
The parent that you are talking about seems to be irresponsible and in no way doing her job as a mother. She isnt the bit concerned about her child's whereabouts and it is very frightening to think what could happen as a result of her irresponsibility.
Like you mentioned, you are not a babysitter and should not be responsible for someone elses child when you did not invite the child over yourself. When I used to send the three year old back down the walk to his own apartment I could see the look of disappointment on his mothers face, like I just ruined her free time. Well, I am a single mother with three children and never get a break, but I would never just try to unload them on someone without permission just to get a few minutes of peace. My children are my responsibility .
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Well absolutely! If she wants free time, then it's up to her to arrange a way to have that, by setting up someone else responsible to take care of her little boy while she had a break. It's not fair to just have her three year old wander over to a neighbor's house, especially without ASKING you first if you mind! If your kids are not home, what is the point anyway, was she actually thinking maybe you'd just babysit him unasked? Presumptive of her, and rude! If a child that age showed up at my door alone I'd probably freak out.... hope nothing happened to their parents, and hope the child could tell me what was going on.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
21 Aug 09
I show very little sympathy when it comes to things like that. When I'm busy, I'm busy!! I would not take it out on the little girl, but I would go to her mother and ask what the big idea was, sending a kid up there without calling me first. I would tell the mother not to send her up there unless I had prior notice and gave my conscent to do so (not just "I'm sending my kid up there" but to actually check and see if I was available), and then I'd keep my doors locked.
@jennifer611 (2514)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Sounds like she isn't a very responsible parent.
at 3 years old, that child is too little to really know better.
she shouldn't be sent anywhere alone by anyone.
her mother should have been with her, right by her side.
and I would hope that if she were wondering alone people might actually step up and take her hand and bring her back to her mother.
I would probably end up calling child protective services on her.
she needs to take better care of her daughter.
too many crazy people out there and way too many missing kids.
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
10 Aug 09
Hi princess, the main thing I get from this discussion, is that the mother of the three year old is irresponsible. At three, a toddler is far too young to go visiting unsupervised, especially in today's climate, where disappearing toddlers are a regular news item. Secondly, the mother should have rung to see if it was alright for her daughter to come to play. I know how you feel turning her away, but that seems to have been your best option, as this toddler still seems not to have been taught the meaning of no.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
10 Aug 09
Very very possible that she really doesn't understand the word no. I felt so bad as she looked at me so sad, but I am not going to stand for her mother if nothing else to let her come and just walk in. I think I was more irritated than anything because I rarely get all my kids in the same spot at once to do something together. And the blew my moment or a minute. LOL
1 person likes this
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
11 Aug 09
No, the mother has not come by to say anything, althoughI saw her this morning while she was in the parking lot and I said hi like I always do. I honestly don't think she knows that she tried to come in without knocking, and I am sure she doesn't even know that I didn't appreciate what happened last ngiht. I won't say anything most likely unless it happens again. I am not one to be abrupt or what not.
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
11 Aug 09
I'm just curious to know, has the mother spoken to you since the incident, or more importantly apologized for her toddler?
@glords (2614)
• United States
10 Aug 09
I think that you shouldn't feel bad about telling the mother that you are having family time. Perhaps it might dawn on her that she should be having quality time with her kids, instead of sending them off to be tended by the neighbor. I also live in stacked condo's and children do tend to walk in every once in awhile. I lock door almost always. If not I'm prepared to be intruded upon.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
10 Aug 09
There are some people that I just know will come in without knocking-my father-in-law, some close friends, etc. But I do not appreciate the neighbor kids coming in without knocking! My kids know to knock on the door, and if I was told my another neighbor that they walked right in, we would have along discussion about repsecting space and privacy. (Again, I have been lucky, that my kids just never did those things. I think that is another thing they just learned at an early age.) I didn't mind telling her we were having family time, but I did mind that she just sent her up here without asking, because had she asked I wouldn't have been in a huffy about the whole thing! LOL
@glords (2614)
• United States
10 Aug 09
I totally agree with you, we were not raised that way as well, and my son who is only two never goes out unattended, nor would I ever let him walk into someones home. On the other hand it happens around here, and he is exposed to it. His whole life he has witnessed children, just opening our door and walking right in. It doesn't happen very often because I usually keep the door locked, but if he tried to walk into someones house, I would think it was probably because of the environment he was raised in. I too would talk to him and tell him that "we don't walk into other peoples apartments without knocking." They I would play some games about knocking on the door or ringing the doorbell, however at his age I don't think that he would fully understand why he can't do what the other kids in the neighborhood do every day.
I'm not justifying what they do, I'm just saying that I've had to learn to live with it. Its one of those annoying things that comes along with living in an apartment. That and listening to the neighbors scream at each other every night, are two things I could do without, if you know what I mean.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
10 Aug 09
It can be very hard to enforce rules for your own children when other kids do not follow the same rules. I don't know how many times I have heard my kids say "That's not fair! How come so-and-so gets to do it?" Do we really want to call the shots as we see them and answer "Because so-and-so's parents aren't being responsible or they must not care." Ooh....that can cause some messy arguments I would imagine. I see your point that you have to accept the way other people's kids are, without really having a choice to help or change anything. This girl's mother is somewhat a friend of mine-we met here and have become friends as parents of the kids. I am sure I could tactfully bring it up that she needs to knock before entering, and she would definitely apologize for it, but I don't know if it would do any good. The little girl has a lot of family around here, and she is probably used to just opening doors around here, and with good reason, which may be a very hard habit to break for her in general.
@Shellyann36 (11385)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Oh goodness! Sounds as if this mother does not want to take responsibility for the child! Please keep your eyes open. In a situation like this you might be the only one looking out for her best interest. It sounds as if the mother is quite negligent of her daughter. I would hate for something to happen to the little girl. I would probably say something to the mother or perhaps the other relatives in the complex. I know it seems rather a burden for you but this child's life may be at stake. If you don't feel comfortable saying anything to the mother/relatives perhaps you could talk to your landlord and see if there have been any other complaints about this. It might even be necessary to call your local department of social services.
@my_name_is_coco (4334)
• Philippines
11 Aug 09
it's a bit disturbing that the mother allowed her 3-year old daughter to roam around.it would have been much easier if she dropped by your house and told you that her little girl would like to play with your daughters.she is irresponsible.even if you live in an apartment building,you should not allow your child roam around.there might be some strangers roaming around the apartment building also.
@mequan (141)
• United States
11 Aug 09
I would have told her the same thing. How do you think you can send your daughter over to play and you haven't even consulted with me first.It shows how now a days parents don't even care.As long as they can have some time to themselves they will ship their child off anywhere.You should tell the mother to next time speak with you and make sure it is ok for her daughter to come over and play with your children.
@virusxtreme24 (805)
•
11 Aug 09
I probably wouldn't believe this either as the mother should have sent her girl to her aunt's or great-grandma's house. She should have consulted you beforehand, not just barge in without your permission. That is also very careless of the mother to let her daughter go somewhere at her leisure without any supervision.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Well, this could be a twist to the story-let's say she asked to come over and the mother agreed to letting her, but we weren't home? She is young, and children often go to look for playmates. So the mother had thought we were home, and she assumes her daughter is accounted for. But the little girl headed on to the next neighbor's house and went inside there, and an hour later, the mother realizes we are not home, and has no idea where to begin to look for her. (And mind you, this was at 7:30 at night!!) That is why I am so anal about where my kids are and knowing when they will be home. My older son told me he once he was going out with the neighbor kids to the backside of the property here, which is safe, completely away from the street. Apparently the other kids were allowed to play down by the creek (or maybe they were breaking the rules of their parents too), which IS down by the street, and when I found him ,the look on my face told him to come home. He began to argue with me that they went and he followed (I am sure every child uses that excuse.) He was in trouble, and again, my son's communication opened up again and he will tell me now always what location OUTSIDE he will be.
@princess07031980 (5412)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I hadn't mentioned to you the first time he got in trouble by the creek, and where he was, and why he was in trouble. Right after we moved here, about 3 years ago, my son was playing outside with another friend. It was wintertime, and nice but cold outside. He was out playing down by the creek on the backside of the property, pretty clear from the road. He told me he would be with his friend and that they were to play out back-and I was ok with that. About a half hour later there was a knock at the door. My son-standing their drenched had attempted to get rocks from the creek with his friend and fell in. He was so scared to come in so he knocked. The rule begun that day to stay clear of the creek. LOL
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
11 Aug 09
LOL! When my older kids were younger, they tried that route too, blaming their presence on another property because 'our friends went there'. Well, they KNEW better than to go there even if their friends were ragging them because 1. the property was abandoned 2. it was unsafe - ie falling apart, nails, broken glass, etc. It was kind of scary actually, we were telling them that just being there could have gotten them in trouble with the police for trespassing, plus they could have gotten hurt - also we did not realize that's where they were so it would have taken valuable time to even FIND them if they got hurt or in trouble!
Not to mention when I dealt with the brunt of their escapades, I was pregnant and sick as a dog, and it was not fun trying to explain how frustrating their behavior was when I was already not feeling well.
