Toddler Scared of Daddy when/if he yells

United States
August 18, 2009 11:13am CST
My daughter is 2 1/2 now and she has always been a Mama's girl. I love her very very much but would like her to like to spend time with her Daddy and older siblings too. So here is the situation. Since she is with me most of the time I do most of, if not all, the discipline. So in other words... she's used to me yelling at her and it doesn't bother her that much (heck it doesn't seem to have an effect sometimes either... need to learn other techniques but that's another topic all together). So in saying that.. her Daddy hasn't really ever yelled at her or disciplined her at all. So on Saturday this is what happened: We were looking for our suckerfish (eat alge in tank) and discovered that he had died and the goldfish ate him (yuck) .... there were pieces of him at the bottom of the tank and we were trying to get them out. Well my daughter tried to "help" her daddy with the net and he got upset with her (he was really upset about the fish dying) and yelled at her really loud and grabbed her arm and put her down on the floor (she was standing on the fireplace where the tank is)... now he didn't hurt her or grab her hard but he scared her a lot! I have never seen that look on her face before. She came and was holding on to my leg and was crying very hard. I picked her up and calmed her down and told my husband that he had scared her. I am not sure he understood how much. So as the days go by she doesn't want to be around him without me... won't just go up and give hugs and kisses (she normally would have) and won't really let him pick her up either. So I ask her last night why she's doing that to her daddy. She said it was because "Daddy yell at me with the fishies" and then after talking to her some more I got her to admit that he scared her and that she was upset at him. I told him this a little later but after I put her to bed and she got up (AGAIN!) and was talking to me while I was in the shower.. I told her to go ask Daddy to do what she was asking me and she just said in a little voice "Mommy, could you please do it for me, please?" So I talked to her about it again... My husband happened to walk in after she told me again that she was upset because he scared her when he yelled... I asked her again why she was upset at her Daddy so he could hear. She didn't want to say it at first but she did. I had him pick her up (she didn't want him to) and told him to talk to her and her to him. She looked in his eyes and said "Daddy, no yell at me like that with fishies, OK?" in that tiny voice. He told her that he didn't mean to scare her that he was upset that the fish was sick (died). She came back several more times (put her in bed at 8:45 and she kept getting up til 10:45) and kept telling either me or him that he shouldn't yell at her like that... never disrespectful or anything but just wanting to be sure that he understood. I am glad that she was able to talk about it and I am hoping that this resolves matter wtih them. I didn't expect to have to go have the talk with her about that is she was ever upset with someone that she should talk to them... and if she couldn't talk to them then she she needed to come talk with me about it and we would figure it out together. I didn't expect to have that conversation with her until she was older. So do you think I could have handled it a better way?
1 person likes this
2 responses
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
18 Aug 09
I don't think you handled it in a bad way. I might of done a couple things differently. I wouldn't of picked her up after he scolded her. He should of been the one to do it first. And he needs to explain to her better if she is still scared. She'll eventually get over it. Good luck.
• United States
18 Aug 09
Thank you... I will have to talk to my husband about that.. I wouldn't have normally picked her up but he wasn't going to either... he was too upset and not thinking right. I don't believe one parent should comfort a child after another punishes them. It undermines them. But I think because she was so scared that she needed to be comforted and I told her that she shouldn't have done that and make her say she was sorry to him too. Thank You,
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Aug 09
I understand why you picked her up. I probably would of done it too if it scared her that bad. I didn't say things the way I wanted to. What I mean was that he is going to have to fix it first. If he's already explained it to her and she's still scared maybe if you both sit down with her and re-explain it to her and then kind of turn it into a game. You said that you yell at her and she's just not used to hearing it from him, then when you guys are talking, maybe have him raise his voice a little (not madly, but in a fun way). She's that little, it shouldn't be hard for him to make her laugh. Maybe have them just sit there and yell at eachother, ha. She would probably love that. I hope she is ok soon.
• United States
19 Aug 09
Wow, this seems WAY too much like our family!!! lol... Well, my husband is very involved with our two daughters now, because we are separate shifts and he HAS to take care of them and attempt to discipline them (before we worked the same shift, so it was always me). I discipline my daughter for the most part when Daddy is home, and half the time she ignores me or laughs, which IS NOT COOL lol. But when DADDY gets mad at her, oh lord, all hell breaks loose lol. She gets so upset and just cries and wont even look at him and will just walk past him lol. It is so funny how father's have that effect on their children lol. Must be their scary sounding voice and how they cant get away with the big stuff around daddy lol. I think you handled the situation amazingly! I couldn't have done better!!!!
• United States
19 Aug 09
Thank You so much.... her Dad keeps telling me that she's my little twin... she is very close to me all the time. It's so hard for her to take any type of negative comments from others in my house (her half siblings and my husband) but I am sure she will do better soon. I am hoping to get him more involved with that part of things but I think that will come naturally later. He's very involved with the other kids discipline and I try to stay out of it (as I am more strict and think he's too easy on them) Thanks for sharing!