Fair share mentality

United States
September 11, 2009 9:13am CST
Having lived alone for many years, I’m used to my food being available when I want to eat it. Now that my daughter is living with me, the food is often eaten, and when I want to have some of it, it’s gone! I thought there had been enough left for both of us, but she has eaten it. I feel deprived of my fair share. She made some pudding and put it into 4 individual serving dishes. I had one dish. I’ve gotten the attitude that if I don’t eat food now it’s not going to be there when I want it. That’s not a healthy Weight Watcher mentality. After all, I do have enough food. Even if it’s not the food I have a yen for, I’m not starving. I’m having a hard time adjusting to sharing. I know many of you live with others. How do you cope with food not being there when you want it? Is that something you just accept as part of living with others? Do you have any tips for me about how I can deal with the situation? My daughter is very good to me in many ways. She cooks most of our meals, does the dishes and has gotten me to clean up my clutter. It seems I'm being selfish to have an issue about food.
3 people like this
7 responses
@aseretdd (13736)
• Philippines
11 Sep 09
I live with my three year old and food sharing is not really a problem (for now, of course)... she has her own set of snacks... that i get to finish when she doesn't want them anymore... and she know that the snacks i eat like chips and soda are not for her... So, right now... i dread the day when we have to share the same snacks... because for sure she will always get her way... might even remind me that with my age... such food is not good for my health... I do remember when i was younger... we siblings tend to mark our food inside the fridge so not no one else will touch them... that usually worked...
2 people like this
• United States
11 Sep 09
I guess marking food or putting it in separate containers is going to be the only way to resolve this issue of sharing. Thanks for responding.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Sep 09
Maybe you do have an issue with food, but sharing is sharing and in my house, if you don't bring in the money you don't eat or drink the rest of anything without asking. An example here would be the cornbread I made last night. Everyone thought it was wonderful, they had seconds and that is fine. But my man was out for the night and had forgotten his lunch box at work, so he ate out that evening and still can't take it with him to work for lunch the next day but that doesn't mean the kids get to devour the rest of it because he didn't eat it fast enough, no no no. It will be there for him when he gets home tonight and I am sure that he is very grateful that I don't allow the kids (or myself) to eat all of anything, he would miss out on so much. I would tell your daughter that it is pretty rude to finish things off without asking around to find out if everyone got their share. Thant is manners.
• United States
11 Sep 09
She doesn't have a job or money. I'm doing my best to consider her needs, but I'm not willing to sacrifice mine in the process. Even though she does a lot to help me, I'm going to work on boundaries on the food issue. Thanks for your comments.
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
30 Sep 09
Since I grew up with three siblings I developed the same mentality...eat it now or it won't be there later. Since it's just Hubby and I now, I don't have that problem but it's hard to break the habit once you have it. The best I can say is pick a drawer in the fridge and tell your daughter that it's your special drawer just for you. Put things in there that you don't want to share. [b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~ **STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Sep 09
My daughter and I have talked about the fair share thing. She thinks I'm being ridiculous, but agrees to separate the food into two containers and says she will leave the last of something for me. It seems to be working pretty well. I do appreciate your response.
@Lindalinda (4112)
• Canada
12 Sep 09
I think good communication is the key to arrive at an understanding and prevent you and or your daughter from becoming overweight just because each of you thinks they must eat the food or the other one will. As you mentioned your daughter is going through a rough time and perhaps she acts out because of it. Perhaps she has always been like that and never regarded it as selfish. You also need to get used to share what you have and not make your daughter feel uncomfortable. Since your daughter cooks most of the meals it is an easy conversation starter during supper or lunch. Complement her on the meal. If there is some left ask her if it will do for lunch the next day, or supper the next day if you add another vegetable or salad. If desserts are made and poured into four or 6 dishes, clearly each of you should have half. If one of you eats up her share she should not touch the other person's share. When you go shopping and buy snack or junk food, buy two bags of chips or prezels, one for her and one for you. Same with soft drinks. Ask her which ones she wants and make sure the other brand is yours. Since she is out of a job and has no money suggest she should make a little by babysitting, house cleaning. running erands or you could pay her a little money if she helps you with your websites. This way she could buy little luxuries for herself. Good luck to both of you.
• United States
12 Sep 09
Great suggestions, Linda. I'm fine with sharing the food -- just not the lion's share for her. Depending on what food it is, it's okay if she has more. What's a bit strange is when I want to buy extra soda she tells me it isn't necessary as she isn't going to drink it anymore. She does, though. She's never been a fan of whipped cream until now.
@sid556 (30997)
• United States
12 Sep 09
She doesn't work or have an income so she is not contributing to the food. If it were my daughter, I'd have a little talk with her. you are doing her a favor and helping her out after all. I have a 23 yr old that moves in and out from me. When she is here, I would of course never ever deny her food.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Sep 09
She already knows I feel deprived of my fair share and I don't want to bring it up very often since she is going through rough times emotionally. I've more or less decided to not buy expensive "extras" and if I do on occasion, split the contents. With the phony crab meat which we both love, I'd have 3 containers, one for her, one for me and one for the salads. Thanks for your comments.
@Hatley (164257)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Sep 09
loyceshookery Fair share is just what it says. it is your home and your food should be available when you want it. your daughter has a responsibility to be fair.She should take one serving and that is it. What ever you are used to you need to make daughter aware that she is there as a vistor, and as such should respect you as the homeowner an the food owner.so she helps that is just being fair, so she t akes more than she should, that is not fair, tell her that you expect her to take just what she needs, not eat up everything in sight.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Sep 09
The problem with that is her feeling less comfortable here than she is. We are living here together, so she doesn't have the status of "visitor." She and her husband just separated. She's been uprooted from Venice Beach. Hemet is a far cry from Venice! So I want her to be as comfortable as possible...without eating everything in sight *sigh* Thanks for your response.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I can honestly say I have been where you are. I is usually just me and hubby but when we have people stay with us some for months..it can be wearing when you expect something there that isn't. Like you have 5 yogurts..then you have none..it isn't the amount of food you have.. it is what you wanted that is no longer there. Have you tried the name thing..putting names on food? Not that it really helps if someone really wants to eat it anyhow. Your not being selfish by wanting half of something... seems your more then willing to share..so that isn't selfish..have you tried talking to the daughter.. I know some might think it is stepping on some toes,but boundaries need to be set sometimes.
• United States
13 Sep 09
She has gotten better during the past few days since I talked with her about eating most of what we have to share. Your comments reflect what my feelings are to a T. The food I want that's no longer there. Thanks for responding.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Well, I do hope that it works out for you both very well. I know it can be hard especially at first to change habits and all..but I do hope that things go well.