Discussing your relationship with girlfriends

@dawnald (84078)
Shingle Springs, California
September 16, 2009 1:41pm CST
Women do it all the time, right? You have a problem with your man, you discuss it with a girlfriend. Is this a big deal? Is it normal? Is it OK to go outside your relationship and discuss it with a friend first? Or should you always discuss things with your partner first? Do guys do this too? Is a guy who has a problem with his wife doing this justified? Or is he insecure? Or just brought up differently?
3 people like this
19 responses
@jesssp (2739)
• Canada
16 Sep 09
I don't have a lot of girlfriends but I make a conscious effort to not talk about our problems with anyone (except my mom). I do feel like we should discuss things with each other first. I just think how it would make me feel if he was telling his guy friends about our issues and it's enough to shut me up. I'm a pretty private person and I don't really like people knowing about our personal life, friends or otherwise. I don't mind yattering away about the good stuff though!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
I wish I felt like I had some good stuff to yatter about right now...
@jesssp (2739)
• Canada
16 Sep 09
You've got kids, so you always have good stuff to yatter about!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
Most days I can come up with something about them, true!
• Australia
16 Sep 09
Good question, bringing in the issue of double standards too. "What's right for the goose . . . ." No, I don't think I can remember discussing problems with friends. Maybe that is because at the beginning of our marriage we decided we would never let the sun go down on any disagreements. In almost 50 years, there have been disagreements, and I remember that some were quite upsetting, but for the life of me I could not tell you details of any. I just don't remember any. I suppose if any disagreements continued, I might discuss it with one good friend - but they never last long enough. "Never let the sun go down on your wrath" has worked for us. We all know that a sore left unattended will fester and worsen, so immediate action - a peaceful, cards on the table discussion - settles the matter before it rankles, but I admit it won't work unless both are committed to it. This might not work for all personalities, and confiding in a friend could have the same effect of lessening the problem, and could be very beneficial for the person's mental and emotional health. If there is ever an unresolved problem, a trusted, impartial and wise third party is probably a good thing.
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
Oh how I wish I could go back 26 years. :-)
• Australia
16 Sep 09
It is never too late to start - but it takes two to tango.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
There's a problem right there.... maybe...
@katsmeow1213 (28910)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I learned long ago it's not really okay to do that, because your girlfriend only ever hears the complaints, when you're content in your relationship you have nothing much to say. So then the girlfriend begins to wonder why you stay with him, and she may begin to dislike him on your behalf. I do have one good friend I may complain to once in a great while, but she knows the truth of the matter, and when I'm in those bad moods she'll usually just say "That's just a typical guy thing" which doesn't ever help my mood, but she is right.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
I can see that. On the other hand, we're having problems and I really need help getting my thoughts together sometimes.
• United States
17 Sep 09
Very true. Come to think of it I have used the internet as a way to discuss what I'm thinking and get some ideas, the problem with that is it doesn't always head in the direction I'd like. One time I was almost convinced I should leave him due to his low self esteem issues and how those were going to hurt me!! You have to be choosy about who you talk to and what sort of advice you're going to accept.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 09
and listen to your own heart and head and make your own choices!
@nadooa247 (1096)
• United States
16 Sep 09
you know this just came to mind a few days ago... how it is okay in my head to discuss with my mom but if i think he said anything to his step-mom i get close to having a fit. i don't know why it is okay in my head for me but not for him... double standard i suppose but i cant really justify it... SHH DON'T TELL HIM I SAID THAT! lol As for if it is okay to go outside the relationship to discuss issues i guess for me yes for him no BUT even for me i have a no no about certain things.. sometimes you really have no option other than bring in a 3rd party especially if things start going bad and you try to keep things within the marriage (relationship). I don't discuss all matters... hmm you got me thinking ... what does he discuss with his friends though!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
I don't like it either when he discusses it with people, come to think of it. But we're having problems right now and I really need the help sometimes getting my thoughts together.
@nadooa247 (1096)
• United States
16 Sep 09
i understand what you mean. sometimes things could get real tense in a relationship to the point that trying to talk will only lead to even more arguments.. or simply wont lead no where since everything is pent up. personally i share a lot of things with my mother.. and almost everything with my closest friend. He has issues with the fact but i jus retort that "you claim you tell no one anything? the whole town hears your --soft-- (sarcastic tone here) voice!" lol... seriously as if no one in the area doesnt hear him! Talking about what is going on is like therapy.. just minus the costs! lol
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
@snowy22315 (81936)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I don't really have any girlfriends in the real world. I discuss my relationship issues online or with other people who might be interested. I wish i had some people to run things by but it just doesn't seem really practical to be able to do so right now. I just think that there are too many problems with telling tales out out of school so to speak.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
virtual friends, real world friends, the point is that you do do it though, right?
@cynthiann (18613)
• Jamaica
16 Sep 09
Don't get into any discussions tonight when you are sleep deprived already. get some sleep. Tylenol pm is good when you cannot sleep. Take 2 of those and it will knock you out quickly.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
I don't think I"ll be staying up late tonight...
• United States
16 Sep 09
I have done this so many times! Talk to my friends about problems that my partner and I are having.. Or just tell them that he has done something wrong... I think its a bad thing because through my experiences I have learned that, if all you tell them is the bad in your partner, they end up not liking him/her! Has this ever happened to you? Or my friends just acting silly?!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
so far they've mostly been pretty fair...
• United States
16 Sep 09
That's good! It should be fair. That's where I always make mistakes. I sometimes forget about the good. And I don't tell anyone about the wonderful things we do or have done. Have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@kissie34 (2295)
• Philippines
17 Sep 09
Honestly, I'm more comfortable to discuss it with my boyfriend than to my girl friends. I'm more open to my boyfriend than to my girl friends.. If ever I encounter problems I always tell it first to my boyfriend 'cause I know that he's the one who could comfort me more and I don't want to keep anything from him. He is not just my lover but also my friend. If ever we have a problem in our relationship, we always talked and try to solve it. If ever we can't solve our problems we will just forget about it and never open that issue again. I sometimes share it with my girl friends. I guess my boyfriend is more friends to me than with my girl friends.
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 09
I hope you always have such a great, open relationship!
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
16 Sep 09
Dawn, First of all, men are not emotional creatures for the most part. They don't have a need to discuss their problems with another man. They may choose to discuss it with another woman there by betraying their own relationship. This type of thing often leads to a deeper relationship with the other woman just as it would do with a woman confiding in another man about her problems. On the other hand, a woman has a need to confide in a girlfriend. This relieves a lot of her anxiety with the problem and allows her to get a different perspective on things. The problem with discussing it with your partner is that most men really don't want to discuss their problems. Of course you have to at some point in order to resolve it. Hugsss leenie
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
Of course my marriage would be the exception to the rule. lol He's the emotional creature and I'm the logical one. But I often need to discuss things with people just to get it straight in my mind.
@lynnemg (4536)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I tend to turn to a few trusted friends when I am having a problem and really need advice, and I knwo that once in a while, my husband talks to his friends too. In my opinion, it is very normal and a way to think things through and try to come up with a solution before really bringing it out into the open with your significant other. I generally look to people I know have a stable and happy marriage because they are obviosly doing something right if they have been happily married for as long as they have. My husband tends to talk to friends that are older than he and I are, and most of the time, when he does talk to them (and discussed it with me later), he is asking them what he should do differently, not throwing the blame my way. In some ways, we are the same when we talk to others, only, I will often times ask my friends how I could react differently or if I am being reasonable. In the end, my husband and I end up talking things through ourselves and finding a compromise that works best for us.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
sounds reasonable to me
@anna728 (1499)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I never, ever discuss a relationship problem with girl friends. When I am single I also won't even tell them who I am interested in or anything. It's not that I don't have girl friends, but I just would rather keep things like that to myself. I don't consider it wrong or anything to disclose those relationship details to a friend, but I am just not comfortable doing it myself. I really don't like to talk about my feelings much in general.
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
Normally I feel the same way, or I did in the past. Things have happened though that I need a support system to deal with ...
• Philippines
17 Sep 09
Dawnald, i guess it's just normal. :) If a woman couldn't carry the burden alone, she would find ways to release it. In my case, I discuss the problem first with the person whom I have the relationship with. But to ask for some advice or options of what to do with the problem, I may need the help of my friends. :) Guys do that too, for sure.
2 people like this
@neildc (17251)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
17 Sep 09
hi dawn. i guess it is not good for the relationship itself, to brought it up outside of the relationship. but there are times that even man can't help it but tell other people. but it should only be within closed friends only, or best friends or relatives.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25050)
• Australia
23 Sep 09
My most recent ex thought this was a dreadful flaw in women. He felt that our willingness to discuss intimate relationship issues with sometimes complete strangers to be totally disloyal. I argued that rather than a flaw, this was an ability and yes, we could discuss with strangers, bringing no negativity or taking of sides with friends in common. In fact, we would not need this ability if the topic of the discussion was willing and able to talk about the problem instead. Because the fact is...they can't, or won't. If I did speak of issues with someone he knew it was not someone he knew well or was close to. It would be more a work friend or someone at least who did not visit our home. Maybe the younger guys do it. I don't know of any guys that do. They tend to bottle things up then if they go outside the relationship for comfort or other things they feel justified.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Sep 09
Oh you know, guys are supposed to hang tough or something... Nature? Nurture? Who knows?
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25050)
• Australia
15 Dec 09
Thanks for BR
@jugsjugs (13038)
17 Sep 09
Yep i must say that if i have a problem with my man i do talk to a friend or two and they also do the same.Men do this as well as one of his friends came to me and asked me a year ago about a problem he had with his wife.I think men talk just as much as awoman about their relationship problems.I think it is ok to talk to your friends as that way perhaps they have gone through simular problems like yours.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 09
Exactly! Bingo! Thank you. They've been through it, many of them.
• United States
17 Sep 09
I think it is perfectly natural to discuss your relationship ups and downs with close friends. I think that is how we learn from each other is to discuss. With that said, I think there is a fine line and you should not be putting your significant other down all the time. If you are unhappy with things, then there needs to be a change. I think if your man has a problem with it then there is a reason. He may feel insecure, like you don't love him. Or he may be afraid of how your friends are looking at him. It could be a basis or his upbringing but it most likely is that he wants you to talk to him first.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 09
also he doesn't "get" that the reason I don't has a lot to do with his past reactions...
16 Sep 09
Hi dawnald, I have often heard men moaning about their wives but also have friends do the same, don't know why, I supposed its like getting it off your chest. Tamara
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
maybe so...
@savypat (20245)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I know why I do this. It's because no matter how hard I try I just don't understand men and I want to know if any of my friends know more than I do. I don't think guys discuss emotions much with each other.
@dawnald (84078)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 09
That's a big reason why I do it.
@prinzcy (5036)
• Malaysia
17 Sep 09
I do discuss my relationship with my girl friends, but only with the closest one. I don't really open up if we're not close enough. And even with close friend, I don't really talk unless I don't know what to do anymore. I'll try to solve it first with my man. I think guys do this too but I don't know, maybe I am wrong.
1 person likes this
@yugasini (12838)
• Anantapur, India
17 Sep 09
hi dawnald, first i will try to convince regarding the problem with my spouse ,if i cannot convince her,then i will contact my friends or relatives for convincing,have a nice day
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