What Should I do?

Singapore
November 13, 2006 11:59pm CST
i met my ex-bf in year 2003, and on Oct 2005, he called me and informed me that he will be going to UK to work (he stayed in another state). the first and the last time that i heard from him from uk was Nov 05 and no news since then. I waited for him until i met my current bf on July 06 (who's an angel!). Couple of minutes ago, my ex-bf suddenly called me up and said that he's back in msia. that he was in prison when he was in uk for a crime that he didnt commit. he told me he's broke and staying with his friend. instead, i told him that i've moved on cos i thought he dont care anymore and i have a bf who loves me a lot. he's ok about it but i have this nagging feeling that i'm so cruel. what will you do in situation like this? borrow him money? (i have done that and he never return!) am i being bad and harsh?
6 people like this
52 responses
@caraj444 (1080)
• Canada
14 Nov 06
i think you owe it to your current boyfriend to maintain a certain amount of distance from him (physical and emotional) but because you obviously still care about him there is no reason you cant help him. i wouldnt do this by giving him money but what about trying to help him find a job, mayby since you have the internet you could help him make a resume and then look for jobs available and tell him about it. (give a man a fish hes fed for one day but teach him how to fish and hell never go hungry again). Make sure to guard your self and your heart, its a good thing to help people but you need to make sure your ok first, if your not ok then you wont be helping anyone.
@wathanjim (2215)
• United States
14 Nov 06
Very good response
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
Thank you so much for your advise. (have always love hearing from you) well, i've tried to ask my ex-bf to go back to his family/relatives but i guess, pride comes first and he refused. i cant help him with the resume cos he's not really high educated and can barely speak english. sigh...sigh..sigh...
1 person likes this
@caraj444 (1080)
• Canada
14 Nov 06
thank you i love hearing your responses too, its a hard situation and if he wont help himself (by going to family) it may be that you wont be able to help him) this is a problem if he doesnt speak great english (is there anywhere he can go and take an ESL course for free (in canada there are places)and what about odd jobs with people you know, i have hired people in need to do odd jobs around the yard that i never seem to get around to (it gives them some money and is good for me because i wouldnt be able to afford a proffesional). Mayby you could help put an add in a free classified saying he is willing to do this (even Myspace has a classified section and you can post according to your area). i will keep trying to think of ideas that you can do to help him while not just handing him the money
1 person likes this
@suzieque (2336)
• Canada
14 Nov 06
No you're not being harsh or cruel at all! You've moved on and you didn't know his situation. And don't lend him money, if he hasn't returned it to you before. I've lent thousands of dollars to an ex and he never paid me back.
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
24 Nov 06
I don't think you're being harsh... it doesn't sound like he cared about you much since he didn't call you or keep in touch. You have no obligation to be nice to him anymore, and I have a feeling that he might just be coming to you for money, which isn't right. I don't know, I'd do the same thing as you, but I tend not to care if I'm being "nice" to someone. I do what I feel is right.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
24 Nov 06
:0) Thanks for the nice words!
1 person likes this
@baysmummy (1638)
• Australia
14 Nov 06
It is up to you but how do you think your current boyfriend would feel if he knew you were giving your ex boyfriend money, I am not really sure why you feel bad. Did you and him decide you would wait for each other until he got back? 12 months is a long time for him not to contact you and i dont think you should feel bad at all and shouldnt feel like you owe him anything he is the one who wanted to move to the UK and thats what he did!
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
thanks for your response. yeah, i know, i dont owe him anything, and we have not said that we will wait for each other cos there's simply no chance to say anything before he 'dissapeared' altogether (which he claimed he's in jail). i know that i should not feel bad...i know...
1 person likes this
• India
14 Nov 06
see dear .whatever has happened between u people is just what was written in ur destiny. u cannot change it under any circumstances i think u should go to ur 2nd bf
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
oh! dont get me wrong.i'm still with my current bf, i'm very much in love with him and i will not want to hurt him in any way at all. i've already informed about the call from my ex-bf as well, as i believe it's better to be honest to each other. just that i wanna know whether should i continue helping my ex-bf ....thanks for your response
1 person likes this
@xtinelee (3377)
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
Don't lend him any money, or your money will never see daylight.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
true. true..those that i borrowed him last time have been in darkness since...thanks for your response
1 person likes this
@Furrukh (701)
• Pakistan
14 Nov 06
go kill ur self heheheh
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
thanks for the sarcastic response. and i hope that you will find yourself in the same situation and see whether will you do just that! have a nice day!
3 people like this
@wathanjim (2215)
• United States
14 Nov 06
Do not loan the money
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
lol, yes i know, and i dont think i will want to loan him any more money. since he have not repay any of the previous loans. just that i felt so bad for turning him away and in a rush to hang up. i'm still in a shock and i have to admit, after 1 year of absence, it's rather sudden. the conversation was rather awkward. Thanks for your advise
1 person likes this
@juicemilk (2286)
• Australia
14 Nov 06
I think you should just move on with your new boyfriend :) Theres no point feeling guilty over something you couldn't control, and you should not lend him any money!
1 person likes this
• Singapore
14 Nov 06
Thanks for the advise. I know...my heart is telling me NO! stop, dont pity him, but my heart is telling me otherwise..sigh...
1 person likes this
@CrazyP (947)
• Canada
24 Nov 06
just leave him its not your fault lol
1 person likes this
@ankscorek (567)
• Djibouti
24 Nov 06
just be loyal to your new flame
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Nov 06
It sounds like your new boyfriend is a keeper. I'd be happy with what you currently have and not look back. As for your old boyfriend, nothing says you two can't remain friends. If you have lent him money in the past and never seen it again, it might not be a wise idea to give him a large sum. Perhaps if you can spare it, something small to help him get on his feet again. Give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe his past situation in prison will change his ways and he'll pay you back. It might help ease your mind a little in helping him, and it will probably help provide you some closure to do something nice and move on and enjoy your new life with your new beau. Best of luck to you! :O)
• Singapore
21 Nov 06
Wow! you are very wise! Thanks for your advise!
• United States
21 Nov 06
I've walked many emotional miles and learned alot along the way...it makes it easier to help others when they hit a trouble spot. Thanks for thinking i'm wise. :OP
• Singapore
21 Nov 06
Thank you so much! Having members of mylot here to give advise is so nice....at least i dont have to scratch my head and felt so helpless!
• India
18 Nov 06
hoo well... did you inform your new bf about this thing.... if not first do it... and dont ever leave your new bf.. take some words form new bf.. both of you can show some direction.. plzzz dont ever tr to aviod any thing from your current bf.. i sure he well help you..
• Singapore
18 Nov 06
Thanks for your advise. my current bf knows every single details...even before the ex 'appeared'...i believe in being honest about everything so i already shared with him about my past so he's pretty clear about everything. he's only worried that my ex will try to harass me while he's still in singapore now....;0)
• India
20 Nov 06
then just ask him to move away from yourlife.... are you really concen of your ex... ? ifso then you should sicrafice your affection towords him... other wise both well end up with pain.... you should understand you current bf... hemay not tell youany thing directly but hefeels that you should drop bothering about past... gradually itwell effect you happy life... so plz stop showing concen to him.... he is ded to you... you know one thing boys are very scencitive in this matter...no maTTER how well he understand you
• Singapore
20 Nov 06
Cool! I've already moved on...me and my bf think that it's better to let it be...thanks for your suggestion! Appreciate it very much! ;0)
• India
15 Nov 06
webcam - webcam
u can ask him to come to ur home town or chat through web cam
• Singapore
16 Nov 06
i think better not..hehe...just let him be. Thanks for your response
@asimo603 (1366)
• Malaysia
16 Nov 06
I think the best thing is....do not pick up any call from him or just change your contact number. Stop any further contact with him and go on your life with your current bf.You do the right thing by telling your current bf about the call from your ex-bf. This ex of yours is utilising your pitiful feeling towards him. So,ignore him right away. Take care !
• Singapore
17 Nov 06
Thank you, my friend, for the advise!
• India
18 Nov 06
COUPLE IN PEACE - couple
No you aren't bad or harsh you are some one who rebuild her life. Just lead your life what happened has happened now you got to charter new ways for your's life. He is lying, even he was in prision who should have contacted you, i dont buy his story,Dont Look BACK..
• Singapore
18 Nov 06
LOL you are just so so sweet! Thanks for the nice words and response. Appreciate it! :0)
• India
21 Nov 06
Thanks for appreciating my advice ALL THE BEST for you.
• India
15 Nov 06
well u should definitely make the situation clear to ur ex that u can get back to him at all & he should start looking for some job in his native country & as for the money aspect, it's upto you , but helping someone whom u've known so close is not bad at all may be he's not able to return ur favour now but a time will come when he'll be able to do so ...... & do let ur current bf know everything what u do ......coz that'll strenghthen the trust among you both .....& don't take tension ,,,jus' n joy ..
• Singapore
15 Nov 06
Thanks for your advise, appreciate it! i'm not sure about the money part though cos i've borrowed him quite a sum of money and get back anything yet. I will enjoy myself though, i felt much better after chatting with my bf yesterday night. Thank you!
• India
18 Nov 06
no probs the money part is all upto u ,,,, but keep things clear & simple & open in that way u dont have anything complicated & to hide ,,,,c ya :)
@ssh123 (31096)
• India
28 Dec 06
It is a good riddance. You cannot live with most unreliable and unpredictable and uncaring people.
• Singapore
31 Dec 06
Thanks for your message! :D
@melody1011 (1664)
• India
5 Dec 06
Dont worry, you are not being bad or harsh. He has not right just to call you up out of the blue and expect you to still be waiting for him. Try not to take his calls as he will only give you one sob story after another. So keep your distance. You were happy with a great guy before he showed up. So go for it. Ignore him. He just wants to extort more money from you
• Singapore
31 Dec 06
Thanks for the advice! i really appreciate it! :D
@caj1202 (162)
• United States
5 Dec 06
what you can do to help him without obliging him to return anything is the best. It is said, when you give, give cheerfully for God loves a cheerful giver and He will return it to you a hundred fold in so many ways.
• Singapore
5 Dec 06
that's true but i will prefer to use the money for those poor and needy instead. Thanks for your response!
@alienstar (5141)
• India
4 Dec 06
nice story....but, i feel what you did was right.First of all, he never kept in contact with you for so long and now all of a sudden, when he needs you, why do you want to help him out.He is just using you dear...forget him.be happy with your new boy friend.You seems to be avery nice person...so, please don't fall into his traps anymore
• Singapore
5 Dec 06
nice story? hehe..you made it sound as if i'm creating a story to start a discussion..Thank you so much for the advise, my bf is now here with me and my ex has stopped calling after a couple of times that i remain cool over the phone, i guess he got the message. Thanks a lot for your advise!