Should I give another chance?

United States
September 23, 2009 11:47am CST
A couple of weeks ago I opened doors to an online friend who had expressed interest on me. Well all was going well until she decided to let me in on some honesty, while I though she was being honest to start with. I won't share the details but. She had told me one version about herself at the start and then I guess she felt she could open up later and wrote to me to tell me what she felt was the real truth about herself and current life situation. I got hurt and upset, because I felt it was not right and fair that I was being honest from the start and she was not. I had cut off all communication. Well now I am calmer about it, also find I miss her. So I thought I would give that a second chance, what do you all think? Should I be forgiving and give her a better chance?
5 people like this
26 responses
• Australia
25 Feb 10
Since you didnt say anything about the nature of the "lies" it is quite hard to decide. But I think you should give her another chance.. or at least give you another chance to know her again. The thing is by not giving her a chance, you are the one feeling hurt, you are the one missing her and you may miss out on a great relationship. What I would do in your position is to hear her out and give her another chance, and then take it from there, if I feel I can trust her then continue on. If not then, you can call it quit :) I have had this happened to me as well. It was when I was still a very young teenager around 13.. at that time I have just move to a new country for study so I was all alone. And in the chat room I found this nice "girl" (btw Im also a girl) she is older than me, pretty from the pics, basically a very nice person to talk to and I felt like I found a sister (I never had one) so i opened up to her, share secrets and all that stuff. She introduce me to her friend a guy, and later on he became my boyfriend. Whenever there are problems I always talk to my "sister" and tell her everything including problems with my bf. Even after I broke up with the guy, I was still friends with my sis. A few months later I found out that actually that sister is the same eprson as the guy that becomes my boyfriend. When I found out I was soo hurt and worse is that.. this time I dont haev a "sister" to talk about this to... But I learned from that that you cant be too trusting with a person on the net, but that doesnt mean everyone is like that, and that you just have to give yourself another chance to learn to trust :)
• United States
25 Feb 10
well thank you for taking the time to reply to this, but I am sorry to tell you; your reply is way too late. I did give her a chance and it failed. we did not make it back together for too long. I should have not given her a chance cause I found out she was not honest anyway and had more double intentions in her mind, we did not fit together.
• Canada
4 Mar 10
dolphinlady...Wow, sneaky guy, eh? He had all the insights on how to make the relationship a success, but also maybe too much at the same time. That would have freaked me out, too.
@jugsjugs (13038)
23 Sep 09
In one way perhaps she thought if she told you the truth that you would not be interested about her or that you would be put off by the truth so perhaps that is why she told you a lie.On the other hand perhaps she is once a liar always a liar.Depends on what she had told a lie about.
• United States
23 Sep 09
Thanks for your reply. It sure helps to read some one else point of view. You are right on that and that is my dilemma. My feeling was that I could not be with some one who would not be honest with me. After the fact I thought about it more, which is wrong on itself. I should have thought about it before my reaction. Still I felt deceived. It has donned on me that she was allowing me closer by disclosing such, but I argue that why would she not appreciate I was being honest and just be honest. Maybe my honesty was not expressed in a way that could be accepted as believable? or maybe I was in a hurry and over reacted. hmmmm
• China
23 Sep 09
No offence, but how does she know you were being honest?
• United States
23 Sep 09
OH no offense taken. Is a great question. See that is why the dilemma. I know was being honest and try my best to express with sincerity. I think we all have some experience on sincerity but the question still lies on if I did a good job on expressing it. People are actors most often so how could I blame her as well. I see your point, you know?
@milkcow (99)
• China
23 Sep 09
She made a mistake and admitted it, I think that's worthy of forgiveness. Don't expect somebody to trust you outright just after meeting you, especially online. Sharing the truth with you after lying to you in the first place is better than never telling you the truth at all, also remember that she could've either thought that you wouldn't be interested and run away if she told you the truth, or she was just playing around and is taking it a bit more serious now. She was lucky that you were honest from the start, many people online aren't, many just play with you, she might be a liar in general, but I think it's too soon to judge. I would forgive anyone who admitted their mistake without me finding it out first, takes a lot of courage and honesty.
• United States
23 Sep 09
I must admit you have stated all on my same page train of thought. I feel that is exactly why I am posting this today. Often one can just be so over reactive specially when you open up so fast and then end up setting up expectations. Still forget to also hold a pace and can be so quick to judge. I appreciate your advise and thoughts on this. It means a lot, thank you.
• China
23 Sep 09
Your welcome, I know how you feel, I've done it before, but I also know how she feels because I've done that before too. I've lied to somebody online in the past, but it took me a while to admit the truth and we both got over it. And the lady I lied to - she's now my wife and we don't lie to eachother.
• United States
23 Sep 09
I appreciate your thoughts. That is amazing to learn about you, and it would mean you are the 4 couple of which I have learned have met online and got married. I trust you are happily married, and wish you both the best of course. Thank you again.
• Canada
4 Mar 10
Unfortunately, that is how people seem to be. Scared you won't like them for who they REALLY are. The fact that she finally decided that you were worth sharing the truth with is what I would focus on. She trusts you now and you punished her honesty with isolation. Did she apologize for not being honest in the beginning? If so, she definitely needs to be forgiven. You are only starting to think of talking to her because YOU need/want her interaction again. Try and think about it from her point of view as well, this and next time you make a sudden judgement. But I am glad that you have decided to give her another chance, but this all hinges on IF she can trust you now again NOT to make a harsh judgement. I would have talked to her about my anger and disappointment, to try and clear the air, before making final judgement and cutting her off. So, maybe you should start the converstation back up by apologizing for your sudden judgement, explaining that your feelings were hurt and go from there. It may actually open even more doors to a more honest relationship. Good luck! Blessings.
• United States
5 Mar 10
Thank you for your reply, still its evident you have not had a chance to read more of my replies to this discussion, while you feel I have made sudden judgment. You assume you are right and understand all that I have shared before on this discussion but have not even read. I did give her a second chance, I actually did apologize for my reaction and it all proved useless. Thank you anyway. FYI this discussion was finished already for sometime, I just am not able to delete it. But I had declared it resolved and shared the final outcome.
1 person likes this
• Canada
5 Mar 10
Yes, I gave you my first impression from reading your original post. I had not read any other responses yet. So, you did pretty much what I said I would have done, then. And it did not pan out. That is too bad. It would have helped, though, to have had more details to have advised you more accurately. There is a way to delete the discussion, but it would mean you and all that posted would lose their earnings.
• United States
7 May 10
Hello, thank you for your reply. I am sorry for my late reply as well. I know much has happened since then and I understand you. I can tell you mean to help me. I find that your last peace of entry, is a great note to keep in mind still. Thank you, with that on hand no I would not want to delete the discussion, nor loose and cause anyone to loose our earnings. :)
@hexeduser22 (6703)
• Philippines
24 Sep 09
Relationships developed online is somewhat complex. You never know who's lying and who's not. Another dilemma would be making others believe that your being sincere in everything you say. If it's not that big of a deal forgive her and give her a second chance. As the saying goes "Everybody deserves a second chance" but from here on be cautious she had the power to lie to you the first time she'll definitely have the power to do it again:)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Yes life has a down to earth way to teach us all. We chose the easy or the hard way and eventually one way or another we learn, at least we hope to learn. I am grateful for your reply as well. I am please to share we are back on track. I forgave and was forgiven. It was a great choice investing in love and care. Thanks again. J
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Sep 09
I'm glad tohea that things for you is going smoothly now. All I can say now is cherish the moments. Have a nice day:)
• Philippines
24 Sep 09
I do think you should give her a chance. She might have been lying to you at first, but at least she had the courage to clear whatever she said back then. And I do understand why you reacted that way. But then, giving your situation, which is an online friendship, many times the internet can be a venue for lies, and she might have done it just to protect herself. It's like saying that she's afraid to invest in something that she's still unsure of. It's just like testing the temperature of the water, you don't go jumping right in when it's freezing. Online friendships can be a bit tricky as you don't really "know" who you are talking/chatting with, not like friends you get to see everyday face-to-face. :)
• Philippines
24 Sep 09
Oops, my bad. It's supposed to be "given your situation" in sentence # 4 :D
• United States
25 Sep 09
I loved your comparison and sure enjoyed learning from your point of view. I have admit you impacted my thinking too and nourished my direction. I sure understand and will bring this with me. Thank you so much J
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
24 Sep 09
I think you should. Online friendships are a bit tricky in that sense and could be so. Perhaps she had her reasons for not telling you the whole truth in the first place, even though you had told nothing but the truth to her. Give her the benefit of the doubt this time round, and if she does it again, then you know what to do..
• United States
25 Sep 09
Yes indeed, we all deserve a chance to be and share. I appreciate your thoughts as well. Thank you for taking the time to advise and bring some light my way.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17624)
• Singapore
25 Sep 09
No worries, bro.. hope all will turn out well for you.
@cip116 (1011)
• Romania
8 May 10
If she has a certain age and life experience,means the relationship with you was easy Relationship with she is something good that happened in your life but she hid the shadow of her life I think that this relationship was only half You must not find she guilty,she could only give you a half and you offered the whole Sorry for language directly Can you live with a piece of relationship? If yes,you must give this woman everything... without disbelief.
• United States
9 May 10
Hello friend, thank you for your thoughts. A relationship is made of: trust, honesty and communication. I would never give my loved one half of anything and no I would not live with half. I must let you know that face of my life is over. That woman and I have nothing to do with each other anymore. I found someone who loves me and I love her. We fit fine and its all 100 % from both and for both of us. :) have a great day and night ahead.
• China
28 Apr 10
many girls made mistakes when they were young.and when they grow up,they look themselves as a mistakable people.so they they don't tell others the truth.you said you miss her.i think she misses you too.she chose to tell you the truth,you should be pleased with that.this means you became a important person to her so that she wants to share her past with you.you defenily give her second chance. best wishes!
• United States
7 May 10
It is sad to realize that people must put themselves on such a place. I realized and felt honored at first to be that important, but honestly it was not about my ego, what I was looking for was some honest relationship from the very start. I truly gave a chance for her to be honest from the start. See I took the first step on honesty giving her room to correspond, not wait till later, after lying first.
• United States
27 Apr 10
I think you should give her another chance. If this is the first offense against her, then why not, ya know? I always try and give people the benefit of the doubt unless they prove time and time again that they are untrustworthy. I think the fact that she came clean to you about this speaks volumes! She realized that her not being completely honest with you may jeopardize your relationship, so she came clean. This might mean that in the beginning she wasn't as trusting of you, but as you both got closer she realized that she could open up to you more than she thought. This is a good sign that she opened up to and showed her true self. I encourage you to however be on guard just a bit and see what happens from here. Just be careful and guard your heart, I don't want to see you get hurt.
• United States
7 May 10
Hello Anna, thank you so much for your sound advice and reply. This discussion has been on for some time and by now it is actually history. I did give that lady a second chance, and as you recommended I did keep a watchful eye over things. The live even made me to weary and sure enough I saw a different agenda in her quick absorbing ways. Truly, she was trying to be as sweet a lady as she could be, but I could see right through that she did not mean it and really care about me. So I soon ended it before I would get hurt.
@jaiho2009 (38989)
• Philippines
24 Feb 10
hello, This is somehow a late response,but caught my attention. I can relate to this situation. I also had same situation and i started a topic like this...actually,my last topic i guess..(so far) It is really hard to trust someone online,but it happens. I did trust someone also from online,and from the start,(and i am always been)i never tell lies,expecting he do the same thing,just to find out,he is lying. And,that really hurts me. If asked if i can give another chance...i don't think so. I am not a perfect person,but,trust is the last thing to lost in a relationship. I don't even know when i could trust someone again
• United States
24 Feb 10
OH thank you for the reply. I appreciate that. Yes is a live post still for all who would like to share. The issue is long gone, but I can share that I gave a second chance and it was not a good idea after all. The person turned to her ways and further let me know what she was all about. Its very hard indeed to open up, but we must not close the door.
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I think I would need more details in order to give you an honest answer. Like what was it that she was withholding from you and then came forth and told you. I know that I am a very private person and I don't jump right in and tell someone everything from the start. I get to know them and as I feel more comfortable, I reveal more about myself. I do think honesty is important in any relationship. Did she lie or did she just hold back from telling you everything? You said a couple of weeks ago that you opened the doors to an online friend? Had you known her online prior to that and if so ...how long?
• United States
26 Sep 09
nah details are not necessary out of respect for the individual. But is okay, see as I mentioned above we have sort it out and things are going well. But thanks anyway for replying. I appreciate it.
@suchi60 (912)
• India
24 Sep 09
These kind of dual-personality complexes do occur when two people try to become close. She perhaps thought that you may not accept her for what she was and found it better to showcase another personality which is acceptable. Laater on, she must have thought that she was cheating on you and since she liked you a lot, she couldn't hide the fact that she had lied and tried to make you understand. I think you should forgive her and give her another chance. Remember, we all make mistakes and its forgiving which is the most important part of our existence.
• United States
25 Sep 09
I agree, one can be so inpatient at times and so quick to miss out on greatness. I for one know I am far from perfect and yes forgiving is most important, along with listening and patience. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise and share your thoughts with me. J
@gmatthews (155)
• United States
24 Sep 09
I think it depends on what she lied about and how serious YOU feel it is. I believe that first impressions are a lie whether you are meeting on line or in person. You do not show who you truly are until that person gets to know you better.
• United States
25 Sep 09
Yes is true, I did not allow myself the time to understand her and me over the situation. I sure am getting to know her better and forgiving is the way to do. I feel things will be fine Thanks, J
@yoyozhou (356)
• China
24 Sep 09
If I were you,I would not give a her another chance. I think cheating is a habit which is difficult to change.
• United States
25 Sep 09
Well you too are right when it comes to cheating and lying is a form of cheating. Still I think we must embrace the facts pointed out by many as they are true and right on point. Thank you J
@dolmitta (221)
• India
24 Sep 09
For a man to open up truth about himself is easier when compared to a women. As far as i have seen, women take a lot of time to get close and reveal all the truth about them. It will sound as if women are very caring and close, though they are caring and expressive, they will wait and then share everything. Don't stop any conversation abruptly that will make the girl feel insecure and bad. So go ahead, give her another chance.
• United States
25 Sep 09
Thank you this was some wonderful and down to earth advise. I appreciate you. I sure need to keep this in mind and be more careful and stronger to be the support I aim to be for her and our future. So thank you very much. Hugs J
@TrvlArrngr (4051)
• United States
24 Sep 09
I would say depending upon what it was - give her another chance. If she told you she used to be a mass murderer - well that is hard to forgive. If she told you she was working and you find out she is not - then maybe there are good reasons for it. You will never know unless you talk it out with her. Let us know how you make out. Good luck!
• United States
25 Sep 09
Oh so true and yes I am waiting for the right time to talk it over with her and hope she will invite me again to learn and understand her story, I so quickly chose to turn away from. Thank you J
@mikeowl (200)
• Malaysia
24 Sep 09
In my opinion, if you really likes her, then why not give it another try. There is no harm in trying. If she still not being honest with you on some tries, and you think it's kind of angers and upsets you, then just stop it
• United States
25 Sep 09
That is my thought in fact as well, we share here. I genuinely like her and she makes me happy. I am pleased to admit I have contacted her and we just picked up right back up and I could feel her loving tender kindness come right back. It is amazing to find real love and I have not know it this way before. Thank you J
@irene3184 (900)
• Philippines
24 Sep 09
Well, there are some that could possibly not to tell everything about their self if you still on the midst of getting to know each other especially if there is an interest towards you. If you feel that you can give her a chance then do it..Do what makes you happy.
• United States
25 Sep 09
I will second that and listen to my heart, it makes me happy to be close to here and share her kindness and loving ways. Thank you so much. J
@buping (954)
• China
24 Sep 09
hi climber, well in my opinion, you should not give her another chance, she was not honest at the start, and being honest is the primary to make friends, i do not know why she did not tell the truth, maybe she is used to telling lies, so my advice is here, stop contact with her.
• United States
25 Sep 09
Hello, thank you for your advise, I am afraid that this mode of thought was the first thing that came to my mind and put me in this position to begin with. I have to admit maybe I would seem naive for trying again, but although I love with my brain, am also listening to my heart; and it tells me to not miss out on a fine lady. Thank you J