Mixed messages......Confusion......
By BlueAngelRS
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
Canada
September 25, 2009 11:03am CST
Alot of us feel at one point or another that we get mixed messages and it can lead us to a state of confusion.....
As many of you already know when I first joined mylot I did a discussion on the loss of a baby....Well that was over two years ago....I am proud to admit that I'm at peace with my babies death but still to this day experience my days and my moments which I'm told will happen for the rest of my life which the part of being told you never get over it you just learn to move forward and it gets easier day by day that makes sense to me now....
I have found it very theraputic and helpful for me personally to talk about my baby...It helps me as she is a part of me....I've been told from other friends and people this is good if I can still talk about her....I recently talked to another Mother who lost her baby at about a couple months of age and tells me harshly that I'm dwelling noone wants to hear it get over it and move on she doesn't talk about her baby but secretly has days where she remembers or thinks of her baby....that hurt because I'm not dwelling because I can talk about it it's how I find helps me what helps one doesn't help another....
I was told if you have that support and people that are willing and don't mind being there and listening it's ok to talk about it....I recently made a mistake and bad judgment call with my best friend that was there for me through all of it....She is expecting her second child.....We had the type of relationship that I felt she understood and knew of my days and moments that no matter what it was I could come and talk to her as on one day the option was brought to me....I know I didn't clarify myself and come across with wrong words....It started a big argument now she has not spoken to me in over a month....And for her own reasons which I can understand won't talk to me about baby or pregnany related.....I knew because of what I went through she had cetain normal fears I was there and did the best I could to help her through that to find out I was kinda helpful she says in the heat of the moment......I felt that we had alot of add ins that need not be put in there and we were concentrating on that....I chose to come to her in emails rather then person which was another mistake but I find it easier sometimes to express on paper of my feelings....In the course of the argument she gave examples of her deepest hurts that have happened which I know and that is fine.....But the last argument that we had that got us 3 months of not speaking to each other was when my husband walked out and abandoned me with no income and 2 kids and move in with her and her family....We got through that and I fear that we won't get through this....Advice, experienceces are welcomed....
2 people like this
3 responses
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
25 Sep 09
hi there blueangel,
Good to hear from you. I do remember your story from way back a couple of years ago. It is good to hear that you have found peace with the loss of your child and it is so true that you never truly forget. Losing a child has to be one of the most painful things a person can experience. Those that have not ever gone thru it can only imagine the pain and some really don't seem understanding at all. We all handle our grief in different ways and for someone to be critical of you just seems very cruel. Now I got a bit confused in following your story here I think so fix me if I am wrong. Now this woman who is a friend of yours is angry with you for something you said? It sounds as if you have been friends for quite some time. She won't speak with you? hmm...I don't think that not talking is a good way to work thru any misunderstandings. It sounds as if you two have been thru an awful lot and your friendship has still survived. I have a friend who has done that silent treatment on me before. It is how she is and I guess she needs time to cool down and be open to talking. I usually will give it some time and then give her a call and invite her over for coffee & hug and make-up. I hope this all works out for you.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
26 Sep 09
Hi there,
Yes it does sound like right now she is being stubborn & probably hurt as you were. You seem more willing to make things right than she does but I bet that under that stubborness she wants it all to be better and have her friend back too. Sometimes one of you just has to make the friendship a greater priority than who is right in the argument. I'm willing to bet that if you knocked on her door and offered her a big hug and told her you did not mean to hurt her and tell her you miss her, how could she resist? Friendships are priceless. Back when I was 11, I met a girl randomly who turned into my best friend of all time. We are now 53. That is a lot of years. We made a pact to never ever let anything or anyone get in the way of our friendship. Over the years, we've had our disagreements but we have always put our friendship itself as top priority. It's worked. I really think you guys will work this out. You have been thru too much together not to. I guarantee that she is missing you as much as you are missing her. Now you have to keep us posted on this. {{{{{HUGS}}}}.
2 people like this
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
• Canada
26 Sep 09
I will definatly keep you posted on it hugzzz tight I thought we were friends too but your right not mylot legal lol!
1 person likes this
@stacysmomstl (397)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I wasn't a member of mylot at that time, but I'm glad to hear that you have had a positive experience with posting here. I know a lot of people on here posting to make money, but I don't post enough to actually get a payout. But I do like the community feel that is here, so I keep coming back even though I don't get enough to pay out.
I think people deal with certain things differently and what helped you might not be helpful for the next. Maybe she just needs a period of putting things into perspective. Hopefully she didn't feel that your words were meant to be hurtful and that you were just trying to share some of your experiences with her. It takes time and I would probably wait a while longer and then maybe reach out to her again after some more time has past. Maybe state that you didn't want to argue with her but was just sharing some feelings and advice. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you.
2 people like this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
15 Jan 10
stacys I think your right, giving it time is probably the best thing for right now. Blue ... If this friend of yours was the main support in you losing your baby then how do you think your friend felt going through her pregnancy, and birth of her child without you there? If you know how important her support was to you, imagine how she must have felt without yours! I think and feel that fights are one thing, but not visiting someone in the Hospital is just plain rude! Its not every day a friend has a baby, especially someone you have been friends with for that long!
1 person likes this
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
• Canada
25 Sep 09
I believe you may be right in giving it more time the confusing part is the friend I made the mistake with was my main supporter in the time I lost my baby....Listened and was there every day....Now she is pregnant and I tried explaining how I felt made a mistake in my words but also believe that alot was taken out of context in the emails on both sides....I will just sit back and if we are ment to be friends we will work it out eventually the one that told me get over it was another friend....
1 person likes this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
15 Jan 10
Every friendship and/or relationship has its fights. In your post it says quote " We had the type of relationship that I felt she understood and knew of my days and moments that no matter what it was I could come and talk to her as on one day the option was brought to me.... " so Im just wondering why you didn't talk to your friend about it initially? Why did you feel that messaging was better? Don't you think that could have saved a lot of confusion and in actuality saved the whole fight? Im sure your friend does realize you have your days, and that is why she chose not to talk to you about pregnancy related things because she felt in a sense she would be walking on egg shells. If your not communicating with her and telling her your having one of those days how will she know? And because you didn't do that she feels to avoid it from happening again she wont bring up a touchy subject. Im sure she made that decision because she felt it was for the best to avoid more pain on both sides. My only advice would be to give it more time! Sounds like you are both still hurt and need some cooling off time! If your friendship is meant to be it will work itself out, and if not then I guess it won't! Sorry Im not being much help but am just trying to see your friends point of view to try and help a bit if possible!
1 person likes this
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
• Canada
15 Jan 10
Yes I agree every friendship has its ups and downs.......I realize I made a mistake and should of spoke in person or thought it through more clearly before blurting things out and the way I handled it.....Then I got dumped on by another friend not the one I hurt but another Mother who had the nerve to think what worked for her works for everyone......I've been dealing with alot and I guess I just didn't know how I could show my friend that I wanted and stil do want to be there for her.....I know the arguing did continue and I feel horrible about that but the clock cannot be turned back so I can handle it differnt just learn from it and hope that it works out....Also it takes two to argue but I know that I should of backed off and not tried to keep explaining and gave it more time I have been now and for the past month or so except a couple of times .....I understood why she felt she should avoid it with me and I tried to help her through that she need not feel that way I know I made a mistake and said hurtful things but also felt that it was showing her that I would just hurt her again and not learn and not be open this time and handle it different if I was having a day and moment...
1 person likes this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
16 Jan 10
If you have explained to her that you have learned from this experience, and if you promise that in the future you will approach a problem in a better manner, and you can solve it together then I'm sure in time it can be resolved. Sounds to me that your friend is just taking time to cool off, try to find the forgiveness she needs to move on from it (with or without your friendship), and see if she can salvage any feelings of trust she once had in you. Sounds kind of like a problem I had with a friend not too long ago myself. If its meant to be it will work itself out hun, good luck :)
1 person likes this
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
• Canada
17 Jan 10
Yes I'm sure it will and that is what I'm doing is giving it time and I'm sure it will all come together.....I'm going to reassure her when she ready that this will never happen again.....Mistakes are hard to live with but learning from them is what counts...
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